Bad Bad Bad Bad Girls, You Make Me Feel So Good

As another potential new writer for TVgasm, FirstTheWorst takes a stab at this weeks Bad Girls Club. Let us know what you think. -MYL

By: FirstTheWorst

Okay so after the culmination of last week’s rather tepid episode, what did we learn? Zara’s kind of a lesbian but wants to marry Jarad who is into starting fights at the skating rink, Kerry gets uninvited to parties and cries a lot, Aimee still wears a lot of makeup and DeAnn and Jodie did absolutely nothing of consequence. Riveting. Absolutely riveting. Oh, we also learned that apparently my dog hates this show, as evidenced by her departure every time she hears the show’s theme song, “Love Me or Hate Me.”


This is an actual shot of the opening segment. Smoking…uh, rules…?

If you remember where we last left off, the girls were busy gallivanting at a winery, getting drunk and basking in the glory of their newfound sisterhood. But all of this is about to come to a close because the screen is suddenly filled with huge pink letters, reading, “THREE HOURS EARLIER!!!” What could have possibly happened during these very dramatic three hours? Oh, just a little thing I like to call…new bitches in the house! And it’s time to meet New Bitch #1- Joanna. The first words out of Joanna’s mouth are, “I’m a gold digger and I don’t care what you think.” Hmm. First impressions mean anything to you? Nope, I guess not, judging by the way Joanna continues to impress by following up with that well-known childhood nursery rhyme, “If you’re rich, then I’m your bitch.” That’s pretty good, but I think you might want to try another one, Joanna. What about, “And I’m poor which is why I’m a whore.” I won’t even charge you for that. Joanna steps out of the cab and turns to grab her luggage, revealing to be what looks like a rather flat ass. Maybe it’s just me but shouldn’t gold diggers be, well…hot? There is something quite sad (in the pitiful way) and ordinary about her. She looks a bit like the poor man’s Vanessa Minillo and while that can be construed as a compliment (I guess), it’s definitely not in this case. Just in case she wasn’t done setting the women’s movement back a hundred years, she continues by telling us her catchy nickname, which is JoJo GoGo because–can you guess?–she’s a stripper! Really? And here I was, always thinking that self-proclaimed gold diggers were so classy! For all the skeptics out there who may have doubts to JoJo GoGo’s form of employment, the kind folks at Oxygen prove it to us by showing a montage of Joanna doing a very unsexy pole dance in an odd suede cowgirl/bikini outfit, which only serves to set my stomach a-churnin’.


Looks like someone remembered to take their NoAssitol pills!

Just as we are digesting the awful taste that is Joanna, those ubiquitous Yellow cabs pull up again and finally, we’ve moved onto New Bitch #2- Andrea. She turns around to grab her luggage, revealing what is definitely not a flat ass, but keep in mind, I didn’t say it looked good either. Andrea comes from High Point, North Carolina and manages to make a few hometown enemies by telling us that the only thing to do in High Point is, well…die. Yikes. Kind of makes a mockery of the name High Point, eh? According to her, Andrea can either be nice or mean, very unsensitive (or perhaps insensitive? Smell ya later, English language!) and not “lovey-dovey” which will unquestionably devastate all the girls in the house, seeing as how much they like to cuddle and bond and not call each other stupid sluts as soon as their respective backs are turned. Most disturbingly, Andrea also tells us very seriously, “Most of the time, I feel like I’m going to Hell.” Hmm. Stay away from me then, you crafty minion of Satan.

Andrea joins Joanna in the house and the two giggle stupidly over where to put their luggage. Uh, how about on the floor, judging by the way you already halphazardly threw it there? Flat Ass Joanna and Andrea wander around the house, randomly calling out, “Oh my god.” They look into various rooms and Joanna snottily labels it an “awful mess.” Hey Joanna, those are kind of the same words I’d use to describe your life, but you don’t hear me saying anything (No, I’m just typing it). Unable to remain silent for anything beyond 15 seconds, she continues to bitch, saying it looks like a “nasty sorority house.” Yeah, well, that may be true, but these are our nasty sorority girls, so shut up about it.

In case you’ve forgotten about the noble, “THREE HOURS LATER!!!” message, its younger sibling, “MEANWHILE” shows up. And here’s everybody’s favorite bad girls, gettin’ drunk and stompin’ grapes at the winery–except we already saw this part in the last episode. Resident Winery Pervert Buddy Lynn shows up again and tells the girls, “You’re going to feel something very strange between your toes.” And he’s not talking about grapes, ladies and gentlemen. He’s talking about his penis. Eventually growing tired of disturbing, suggestive comments and an increasing blood alcohol level, the girls get in their van and head back home and I can tell immediately–storm’s a-brewin’ because Joanna and Andrea are busy, already making themselves at home. Also, I hate to say it, but Andrea’s face is really beginning to annoy me. Either she just got her wisdom teeth pulled or her face is perpetually swollen and blotchy.

The Old Bad Girls come home and angrily glare at the luggage on the ground. I’m really not sure how it happened, but somehow Kerry trips over a suitcase, which confuses me because it’s not like it rushed up and lodged itself under her feet. No, it just sat there and still, she couldn’t manage to avoid it. Sigh. Just let it go. She’s an idiot. These things happen. To idiots. Moving on…

The girls greet one another with a noticeable lack of enthusiasm and make lame introductions. In her Confessional, Aimee’s Spidey Sense begins to tingle as she tells us, “I can tell Joanna’s trash.” Well yeah, but that’s a little obvious, Aimee. Dig deeper. Can you sense that she’s a gold digging stripper too? Anyway, as artificial as it may have been, the civil mood in the house immediately is destroyed. In what is a clear act of terrorism, it turns out that Joanna and Andrea actually drank some of DeAnn’s wine! Can you believe it?! DeAnn’s wine. Yeah, she just got back from a winery where she got a ton of free wine, but…still. It was her wine! This is something Kerry clearly disapproves of, by telling us that in drinking the wine, Joanna and Andrea are not off to a good start. I thought the bad start was announcing that one was a slut and the other was bound for Hell, but whatevs!

In her Confessional, Andrea comments on the girl’s phoniness and conveys her disappointment. You see, Andrea was expecting more–kind of like the way I was expecting her not to look like Whitney Houston suffering from a terrible case of gout. But anyway, the Old Bad Girls are busy being themselves which means they are unable to show the tiniest shred of maturity. They complain mercilessly about their new roomies and how they throw off the perfect dynamics of the house. They are pissed and mope about, while DeAnn sits and rubs her temples, massaging away what seems to be a severe headache, brought on by the presence of two more individuals sucking the carbon dioxide out of the house.

Meanwhile, Jodie, looking like a very pretty transvestite, is on the phone with someone named Tom who is described as a “fashion designer.” Could it be Tom Ford? Nope, this guy is BETTER than Tom Ford. This Tom is some guy who contacted Jodie on Myspace to do some modeling. Sounds legit! I’m pretty sure that’s how Giselle Bunchen was discovered, anyway. Tom invites Jodie to be part of some fashion show. Clearly forgetting the pain of being extended an invitation only to have it revoked (a la Kerry), Jodie throws caution to the wind and accepts. “I look forward to meeting you!” she tells him. Wait, she’s never even met him before? This is sounding better and better. The next morning, Jodie begins her new life as a freshly discovered model by…eating ice cream for breakfast. Uh? Jodie tells us that she is proving that one doesn’t need to be “bone skinny” in order to be a model. Yeah…I guess, but don’t you have to be at least, you know, in shape?



Elsewhere, off in search of a truly sophisticated manicure, Joanna and Andrea go to that ever-so-exclusive establishment “Hollywood Nails.” Just in case she didn’t alienate enough people, Joanna tells Andrea, “I hope we meet some really hot guys and you get the broke one.” Nice! I guess Andrea thought so too, judging by the way she glares back in a particularly unflattering shot, showcasing her breasts resting on her stomach. Joanna continues to babble on, saying stuff we already know such as, “I need attention all the time!” Andrea tunes her out but that doesn’t faze Joanna who absolutely cannot stop talking. She talks about getting rid of poor guys and picking up rich guys, oblivious to the fact that no one is listening (Not even God). Just when I thought I couldn’t detest her any more, she tells Andrea of what is surely a winning pick-up line–” Hi, my name is Joanna. Got any money?” Ok, ok, not bad. But let’s be a little more honest–try, “My name is Joanna and I have herpes. Got any Valtrex?” I think that would be much, much more appropriate. This idiocy piques Andrea’s interest and she asks what people say in response to her line. Joanna claims that a man said nothing, but merely handed her a $100 bill. Ok. I need to wrap my brain around this one. Other than J. Howard Marshall 2.0, what kind of man could possibly be attracted or even amused by such obvious stupidity? Seriously. I need to know. Email me and we can schedule your lobotomy together.

“I hate you”

Back at the house, the rest of the girls are all getting ready for Jodie’s fashion show. Jodie is busy talking about what she loves most–food. She tells us how busy she’s been eating sandwiches and bananas. She tells us she’s going to keep on eating milkshakes and fries, no matter what anyone else thinks. Eating milkshakes? I think if it’s at a point where you can actually EAT your milkshake, then you should probably just throw it out. It’s gone bad, Jodie. Let it go. Just let it go…. Anyway, the next scene is the most amusing of the whole show as we see Jodie hiding backstage at her fashion show, hunched over and cramming a banana into her mouth, while her eyes dart around sneakily as though someone was going to come up and snatch her precious food from her. I half expected her to stand up with food smeared all over her face and shout, “IT’S MINE!”

“Oh my god…so good…so delicious…can’t stop…can’t ever stop”

“Just wait here, banana. I’ll be right back”

Finally, the fashion show starts and it’s quite…unremarkable. A bunch of blond doppelganger models who apparently take makeup tips from Aimee. But…where’s Jodie? Oh right, there’s Jodie! Backstage! Struggling to put on her skirt! Coaxing the zipper up, while all the designers stare at her with a mixture of curiosity and disgust! Oh, the fashion world! So glamorous! After she has to get someone to help her pour herself into her clothes, Jodie takes off on the runway. I get the feeling she’s trying to appear sexy but she looks pretty angry to me, stomping forward as if the runway is infested with roaches.

Aimee kindly points out Jodie’s fat jiggling to the other girls and helpfully suggests that she shouldn’t eat so much ice cream. Oh, so THIS is the sisterhood bond they were talking about! You know, the one they claimed that the introduction of Joanna and Andrea ruined. Silly me. The fashion show continues on, but it’s very boring and my attention wanders. I did notice that all the models came out at least three times but Jodie? Evidently once was enough, because we see no more of her. In her Confessional though, Jodie claims that this fashion show will “open doors”–but only if she can still fit through them. The show comes to a very uneventful close, with DeAnn commenting on Jodie’s model potential and essentially calling her a fatass.

So that ends tonight’s episode. I thought the girls were being really harsh to Jodie, regarding her weight–any thoughts? And what about Joanna and Andrea? Who else thinks that Joanna’s got to go?