Recap: Time For Some Tomik Relief

Last week, I told myself I wasn’t going to write about Bad Girls Club until I had seen an ample amount of interpretive dance/shadow puppetry. Things were looking bleak — that is, until Pilobolus made my dreams come true last night on the Oscars. Now, with fresh images of guns and penguins in my head, I now have the strength to return to my six, idiotic hyenas and revel in their latest escapades. This latest episode brought fun in the form of tattoos, Tomik, and Steve the pool boy. Okay, maybe it wasn’t fun at all. But hey, at least I got to see shadow puppets.The episode began on a dubious note as Zara once again extolled the virtues of Tomik, her sort-of boyfriend who looks not unlike a human-sized phalus with a large nose. Anyway, as Zara praised him, what she didn’t realize was that Tomik was busy galavanting around the club, flirting with every woman in sight. And as we all know, the ladies do love talking penises. Yes, poor Zara was deluded about her boy, but luckily Aimee was there to keep it real. She reminded us that she saw through Tomik all along. “But I’m smart,” Aimee said, adding, “She’s dumb.” Long live Aimee…

Meanwhile, Tomik continued to prove he was something of a scumbag by bragging, “Hey, guess what? The whole time me and Zara were ‘seeing’ each other, I was fucking four girls!” It was pretty despicable, but then at the same time, there was something darkly amusing about watching this guy disrespect Zara so much. After all, she knew what she was getting into. It’s about time she learned a damn lesson about something in life.

Ultimately, Tomik did say one thing that was true: “At the end of the day, what they don’t realize is that the joke is on them.” Yes, the awful, unfunny, and incredibly ugly joke was on them.

Elsewhere in the club, Tomik’s scruffy, vapid sidekick Poolboy Steve was hitting on DeAnn, who seemed to be enjoying the attention greatly. Steve, it should be noted, had now warranted his own confessional on the show, and on top of that, he was now rocking a mohawk, presumably to hide the early onset of male-pattern baldness that so many had spied. While Steve and DeAnn discussed Kafka and Proust, we then checked in on Jodie and Leslie, who were at home doing nothing more exciting than eating candy and surfing the ‘Net. BAAAD GIRLS!

Back to DeAnn and Steve. In their drunken state, they decided to forge a bond that would be with them eternally — or at least until one of them had enough money to afford a good laser surgeon. Yes, the two fetched themselves some tattoos, which meant they’d always be able to remember this regrettable nadir in their lives. And of course, being the idiot that she is, DeAnn opted to get the Chinese symbol for DRUNK etched onto the nape of her neck. That’s right: DRUNK. On the neck. This was almost as bad as Julia from Sorority Life 2 getting a tattoo of “Jewlez” on her back instead of “Jewelz.”

Sure enough, in the harsh light of day, DeAnn realized that maybe this might not have been the wisest decision to make. She quietly marched through the house, ruing the day she ever let Steve persuade her to get a tattoo. Had she been sober, she never would have had “DRUNK” permanently scrawled on her neck. Clearly, she would have opted for “WANTONLY” instead.

In a boring little diversion that I think no one really cared about, we then watched as Leslie talked with ejected roommate Ty on the phone. This led to more discussion about how Ty needed to control herself and learn to walk away from confrontations — stuff that might have been interesting four weeks ago. Luckily, we then cut to later that night as all the girls dressed up (quite bizarrely, I might add — I’m looking at you, Jodie) and headed off to a club to meet up with, you guessed it, Tomik and Steve. Seriously, don’t these girls have any other male friends? This is just getting pathetic. Anyway, as the ladies left, Zara changed her tune about Tomik, now saying that he was an ass (well, actually, he looks more like a dildo than an ass, but we understand where you’re coming from, Zar). She then informed us, “I usually run away from my problems.” OH REALLY? I didn’t realize that! To be fair, when she’s not running from her problems, she’s also sleeping with them — so really she deals with things in many different ways.

Well, the girls arrived at the club, and almost immediately, Tomik told Zara that he didn’t want a relationship, further elaborating that “Zara is loud and obnoxious. She’s a hoooorible drunk.” Oh yeah, she’s also one of the biggest idiots on TV too, but that’s neither here nor there.

Tomik then told some people vis a vis Zara, “What a retard. When a girl gets that sloppy, you’re like ‘Alright, you’re done, dude.” I didn’t necessarily disagree; although, it seemed to me that it wasn’t so long ago that when a girl got “that sloppy” that Tomik would happily seduce her into bed. Nevertheless, while Tomik tried to separate himself from Zara, Kerry tried to talk some sense into DeAnn, warning her to stay away from Steve. After all, he was a “house hopper,” meaning that he jumped from one girl to another in the house. Technically, that kind of made him a “house guest hopper,” and as far as I could tell, he had only shown interest in Kerry and no one else, but that was neither here nor there. DeAnn didn’t seem to mind Steve’s promiscuous ways — after all, they were now bound by DRUNK tattoos. Ultimately, Kerry passive-aggressively noted, “You should be flattered he likes you.” So basically Kerry said, “He likes anything that walks, but seriously, DeAnn, you should be really happy that he likes you. BECAUSE YOU ARE THAT AWFUL.”

Back in the pathetic domain that was Zara-ville, she was still trying to get Tomik to love her, albeit in angry, petty ways. He told her that he was going to go “fuck some girl,” to which she then promised to fuck some guy. She was trying to make him jealous (and he was trying to be hurtful to her — they were both wrong and dumb), but Zara’s attempts at manipulation failed. Tomik was kind of like whatevs, causing Zara to declare, “THIS IS YOUR DECISION!” Yeah, um, he doesn’t care. Just move on before you totally relinquish all your dignity.

Speaking of lost dignity, we then found Zara sitting on the sidewalk on the verge of tears. I’m sure she was feeling solid… solid like a rock (bottom). Aimee, meanwhile, once again chimed in to essentially say “Told ya so!” and then we went forward to the next day where Zara moped around the house (in skimpy clothes, natch). Poor Zara. I never would have anticipated that a huge douchebag was capable of breaking someone’s heart!

Well, that afternoon, guess who came over? That’s right: Tomik! The allure of television cameras were just too much for him. To be fair, he wasn’t coming over at Zara’s behest. No, this was the working of DeAnn, who just wanted to see Steve. Way to go, DeAnn. I’m sure Zara really appreciated you inviting the talking dildo back to the house (although, honestly, I wouldn’t be surprised if this was merely the work of the producers, not DeAnn). Of course, Tomik deserves some blame too. If there was some annoying bitch I couldn’t stand, the last thing I would want to do would be to go to her house. But then again, I like to consider myself not a douchebag.

Anyway, Tomik and Steve arrived (with a few douche friends in tow) for what we learned was actually a sumo party. I wasn’t quite sure what that meant, and I was slightly perplexed as to how sumo necessitated boxing gloves, but I digress. Zara was justifiably upset by the situation, and so she holed herself up in the phone room, calling some mysterious “Marcy” person and complaining in her sing-songy annoying voice. Out in the backyard, meanwhile, we learned what the deal was with this whole “sumo” thing. Kerry and DeAnn stepped into large, weighted sumo suits, and like a triumphant meeting of Akebono and Musashamiru, the two grappled in the ring, pulling at each other’s faux mawashis until at last one of them fell out of the circle. Ultimately, DeAnn easily destroyed Kerry, which was amusing in a super dumb sort of way, and then we cut to later that night as the guys all hung around the kitchen, laughing at Zara… to her face. In his confessional, Tomik complained that Zara just wouldn’t leave them alone, and all she wanted was more attention and drama. This may have all been true, but he really had no leg to stand on when it came to talking about her not leaving him alone. I mean, last time I checked, Tomik, you were the ones hanging around her house, not the other way around.

Ultimately, Zara would up getting testy, which really shouldn’t have been a shock to anyone around, and the scene ended with Tomik making fun of her pubes, which we were to assume were as bushy and overgrown as Sideshow Bob’s head.

After the break, Zara and DeAnn had a talk about Tomik, which was kind of boring and dumb, but we did learn that Tomik had a small penis, which was kind of shocking considering that he already was one giant penis. Also, if you’re a penis, and you have a penis, does that make your little penis a meta-penis? It’s fascinating, really.

Anyway, our attention soon shifted onto Steve who stayed behind at the house after all his buddies left. With all his nasty, dirty tattoos in their full glory, he began to make out with DeAnn in the backyard, prompting Aimee to hilariously and accurately say, “DeAnn and Steve make a perfect couple. I don’t know who’s more retarded: him or her.” I think that should be repeated on their wedding day.

Soon, we watched the happy couple make out in night vision, and then they retired up to her bed as DeAnn informed us that she didn’t want to touch his genitalia or anything. She just wanted to touch every other visible body part. She then asked, “If I wrap my vagina around his penis, does that count as touching?”

The next day, the two rolled out of bed, and even though DeAnn denied doing the deed, her guilty giggles seemed to tell another story. All I knew is that he was one dirty, dirty man. The two awkwardly and coldly hugged goodbye, and while the syphilis slowly set up camp in DeAnn’s nether regions, we found Zara on the phone with none other than her ex-boyfriend, Jarad, begging to be taken back. MUST NEED MALE ATTENTION AT ALL TIMES! Of course, since she was probably hotter than anything he could ever get, he took her back in a heartbeat, and she pranced around the house as if she’d just landed a job interview at TJ Maxx.

The word “MONDAY” then flashed on screen, and I couldn’t help but let out a very loud groan. This episode was still going? WTF??? JUST END ALREADY!

Luckily, the show did wrap up soon after. Basically, we saw Zara burn Tomik’s trendy trucker cap, which was somewhat welcomed. Then finally, FINALLY the show was over. THANK GOD.

What did you think of the episode?