Bad Girls Club 3: Breaking and Entering

All hail the reality show gods, the skanky bitches are back! Yay! I for one am going to reserve judgment of these fine young ladies until I have seen evidence that will allow me to shred them. Welcome to Bad Girls Club!

Exhibit A. Before the credits even roll we are treated to 3 of the girls arguing in a car going down Sunset Blvd at 1:51am. I have no clue who they are yet as the show has barely begun but they are pissed.

Skank #1 is yelling at skank #2 that “if that’s what you want to do, you want to start throwing fists in here we’ll fight”. Skank #2 say’s “Let her drive”. Driver Skank(that would be skank #3) looks bored to tears and keeps driving.

Skanks 1 & 2 keep yelling back and forth until Skank #2 reaches forward and smacks Skank #1 on the shoulder. And then it’s on! Smacks all around causing Driver Skank to scream bloody murder. Seriously that girl has some lungs! I haven’t heard a scream like that since I pulled up outside the local Krispy Kreme and it was CLOSED! I mean why? Why on earth would you be closed when you are clearly supposed to open? People have needs. So there was a shooting? What the hell does that have to do with me? Clean up the blood and give me my damn donuts!

Sorry about that. Anyway the Skanks keep fighting causing Driver Skank to pull over. Skank #2 is a tall black girl and Skank #1 is a short blonde chick.

Bend down so I can smack ya!

If I was shorty I’d run like hell about now but then again I have sense. Mostly. Lots of kicking and slapping ensue while Driver Skank yells for them to stop. And suddenly across the screen we see 17 Days Earlier. Oh hell no. This better not turn into one of those shows like Lost where they go back in time then forward in time. My brain can’t take it.

And the first chick up is Sarah from Milwaukee, WI, age 23. They tag her as a Party Girl.

Sarah

First thing she tells us is that she’s so excited to be a part of BGC that her nipples are hard. I bet she teaches Sunday school. She tells us that she’s a bad girl because she’s a very sexual person and if she’s attracted to someone she will fuck the hell out of them. See she’s a very generous person. I’m impressed.

The limo pulls up to the house and Sarah walks up to the door. Locked! Bitch actually grunts like a pig trying to pull the door open and then starts pushing the call button. Over and over. You know those people who come to your house and press the doorbell 900 times even though you are clearly telling them you are coming? They should be shot. Repeatedly.

The limo guy dumps her luggage and leaves. After a little cursing and stomping, Sarah makes her way to the back where she finds a beverage and lets out a huge burp. Classy.

And now begins the Bad Girls Club music. Bad girls, buh buh buh buh bad girls……That’s the only words I know and it will be playing in my head for days now. I hope you people are happy.

To the airport we go. Second up is Tiffany, from Chicago, age 24. They call her The Warden.

Tiffany

She can stand in the hot kitchen and keep on cooking! Yes but can you bang pans together while singing a catchy tune? Tiffany tells us that she has anger issues. NO! Why on earth would the producers allow a person with anger issues to live in a house with such delicate flowers as the other girls surely are?

Next at the airport we see Whitney, from Boston, age 21. She has been labeled The Straight Shooter.

Whitney

She tells us that she’s the one person you should not fuck with. Yeah I am so terrified right now. Bitch my dog has bigger arms than you do. She continues by saying she’s not from Montana or Louisiana, she’s from Bwaustun and that means “You can go fuck ya’self”. Oh I hate her already. Whitney introduces herself to Tiffany. In the limo Whitney tells her that she doesn’t care if there is a lesbian in the house, she just doesn’t want her to hit on her. Yeah cause we all know that lesbians cannot control themselves when inside a house. I make my cousin sleep in a tent in the backyard when she visits just to avoid being attacked in my sleep. Stupid ass twit. Have I mentioned I hate her?

Tiffany agrees with Whitney and says she is the same way. She doesn’t start shit but she will finish it. What the fuck is this? Third grade? She says once you “disrespect” her its over. Could someone please make it illegal for reality show stars to use any form of that word? Ever.

Another limo pulls up to the house. Amber from Pitsburgh, PA, age 23. She’s called The Narcissist.

Amber #1

She tells us she hates girls, cheats on every boyfriend and likes to push peoples buttons. She has jealousy issues. She’s rude, opinionated, conniving and just a bad person to know. So are my sisters. You are not impressing me. She finds the door locked also and makes her way to the back. She and Sarah meet and decide that the last person to arrive will probably have the key. I doubt it.

Sarah asks Amber what she does back home and Amber says she doesn’t feel too much like working. Sarah tells her that she just shot for Playboy. I’m not trying be judgemental here, it just comes naturally, but damn Hef’s standards have been lowered. Sarah is kinda short, a little plump-ish. I thought only blondes were allowed in Playboy. Anyway, Sarah says she’s not there to cause drama and she’s really more of a slut than a drinker. Amber says that’s her too.

Aww look they are bonding over their mutual slut status. How sweet.

I’m a slut. Me too!

Amber had a boyfriend but seems to have lost him at the airport or something and cannot wait to go out! They click drinks and toast to new men. I have to agree. New men are they way to go. Old men are gross. And they usually smell.

Next we have Kayla. From Compton, CA. She’s 23 and pissed off. They have named her The Loose Cannon.

Kayla

She tells us that these bitches better watch out cause she will fuck them up. She lives with her Granny off and on and today Granny kicked her ass out because she found out she was going to the BGC. Granny, I don’t mean to be rude, again it just comes naturally, but kicking someone out who’s already packed to leave kinda loses its punch. Haha apparently Granny has parked down the street to make sure that Kayla leaves. Kayla says no one believes in her and that yes she has some insecurities but remember she will fuck you up!

At the airport again I hear a hideous high pitched squeal. And then see a little blonde twit chewing gum and pushing her luggage. Her name is Amber also. (I must stop rolling my eyes before they get stuck) She is from Montevideo, MN and she is 25. She is called The Firecracker.

Amber #2

She says that if someone were to pick on her she would call them ugly and tell them they were jealous. She says her town is so small and boring that you can either go to the bar and listen to Cotton Eye Joe or you can have sex. She prefers sex. I would prefer to be stabbed in the eye than listen to Cotton Eye Joe so I am with her there.

Ailea from Buford, GA. (Here we go again) She’s 21 and they call her The Instigator.

Ailea

She loves to make people mad. She’s quite proud of her ability to piss people off and of her ability to chew through logs. Not kidding. Wait till you see her teeth. She’s the first one I would label homely. And I mean that in the sweetest way.

Ailea and Amber #2 introduce themselves and Ailea tells Amber #2 that she’s part Philipino and half Kiwi. I’m all confused. She explains that people from New Zealand are called Kiwi’s. Amber perks up as the kiwi is her favorite fruit. I did not make that up.

Wow, Kiwi’s have big teeth.

Whitney and Tiffany arrive at the house only to be met by that damned locked door. They are pissed. Sarah and Amber #1 sneak around the house and surprise them. Amber #1 tells us that Whitney is loud and boisterous and that she wants everyone to know she came from Boston. Cut to the Boston bitch announcing that she’s a Boston Bitch. Is it too soon to hope for a massive earthquake?

Ailea and Amber #2 are still in the car on the way to the house. Amber #2 seems to have trouble shutting her mouth. She talks non stop. Ailea tells us that Amber #2 is annoying and just talks about anything and everything. Maybe she’s just trying to keep you distracted so you won’t try to make a dam out of her in the backseat.

Back at the house the girls are discussing their charity work. If you consider providing sex to countless people a charity.Hey we all give in our own way. Sarah asks what’s everyone’s type of man? Amber #1 likes the big guys, steroid big. Sarah likes dirty guys with dirty hair, tattoos, piercings. Tiffany likes black guys, hood, baggy pants, hat cocked to the side. (have I got a dude for her)

How you doin?

Whitney, the Boston bitch, informs the other skanks that she has standards. She doesn’t care if people have sex in the house as long as they don’t have sex in the pool, jacuzzi or couch. She doesn’t want to come across any snail trails, if ya know what I’m saying. Amber #1 is afraid she won’t be able to hold to that because she’s a bad girl y’all. She also threatens to use beer bottles as sex toys. I need condoms just to type this shit.

Whitney tells us that if you open ya legs too many times that’s it. That’s not how they do it in Boston. Uhh how do you do it then? Nevermind I don’t want to know. Gross.

Finally Ailea and Amber #2 arrive at the house. Door’s locked. They go around to the side and Amber #2 calls out “Bitches!”. She also says she will do what she wants when she wants. Yeah I said that once, and my Meemaw smacked me so hard I heard Elvis music for three days.

Like OMG! Everyone meets and screams and introduces themselves. And guess what y’all, they realize there are 2 Ambers! What to do? Well they will just come up with nicknames of course. I wish they’d hurry. This shit is getting confusing as hell.

We are so gonna get along!

Tiffany tells us that they are all clicking and meeting and she realizes there is one more girl to come. Amber #2 (I think) suggests that they all be sweet to the last skank because she’s coming in all alone.

And so finally Kayla arrives at the house. She says “ugh these bitches, they all look like they have attitudes on their face”. Ok. Amber #2 runs out to greet her and tells her that they have all already chosen bedrooms and she will have to sleep outside. Kayla is not amused and says “That ain’t gonna happen. Amber #2 tells her she’s kidding and runs away. Kayla gets out of the car grunting about fucking sluts. She introduces herself as KC? Dammit I am confused enough already without people changing their names!

Amber #1 decides to tell Kayla that her nickname is Master and the other Amber is Cookie. She actually wants a black girl to call her Master. I would punch her in the forehead right now. Cut to Tiffany saying that her first impression of Kayla is that she is black so she identifies with her immediately. She also senses some attitude coming from Kayla. I sense a vein throbbing in my head.

They were all hoping that Kayla had the key but no such luck. So off they go in search of the key. A couple of them are looking in a tree, one is banging on the door and another braintrust asks them if they looked for the key in the door. One girl kicks the door as the others check the other doors and one of the Amber’s decides it must be at the bottom of the pool. Isn’t that where you keep your keys? Dipshit.

Where keys are kept.

Kayla thinks maybe they should wait for someone to bring a key. The Boston bitch is trying to pick a dead bolt with a pin. Good luck with that.It won’t work. Or so I’ve been told. Finally Amber #1 takes a stick and bashes the shit out of a window.

I found the key!

When the others ask her why she says she’s mad and wants in the house. Works for me. The window basher tells us that this season of bad girls is gonna blow all the other seasons right out of the water. The fact that she just said “blow” with a straight face is causing me to giggle.

The skanks all run screaming through the house. Seriously, its making me dizzy. Finally the editors decide to start putting these girls names under them while they talk. What a concept. I could have used that 2 Ambers ago. Thanks so much. Ok, so Amber #1 is Amber B. and Amber #2 is Amber M. Got it? Yeah me neither.

Amber B. tells us that this house is gorgeous and I have to agree. And its huge. More screaming and running around. Seriously people, get a grip. They chose bedrooms and then OMG they discover hooker shoes. More screaming.

Malibu Barbie Hell House

Sarah and Amber B. tell us that they are definitely the prettiest. The other girls are “way down there and we are way up here”. Please go say that to their faces.

While the other girls are looking at their bedrooms Amber M. is off to find shoes. Ok there are shoes on the light fixture. Shoes in a coffee table. Shoes in glass cabinets. Sadly Amber M. tells us that not only did she get a crappy room but that the others girls all have gigantic dinosaur feet and she has tiny feet and all the shoes are huge. She sticks her filthy little foot in the air to prove how small it is. Wash your feet you nasty little midget!

Oh.My.Lord. There is a vending machine in the hall, filled with sex toys. And potato chips. And pornos. Tiffany says she thinks she wants a vibrator because she doesn’t have one and she’s never had one ever. Sure. Me either. I swear. Stop looking at me.

Thought I made it up didn’t ya?

Amber Midget tells everyone that she is like, used to her space and when she was a kid she made her Mom and brother and sister live in the living room while she took the bedroom. As Kayla points out, she would have had a sore ass if she had pulled that shit with my Mom. Kayla says a black mom would never put up with that shit. Amber Midget is a dumbass twit who needs a good smack. Oohh I volunteer!

Uh oh. Kayla is missing a couple of bags. And she ain’t the least bit happy. She just had them and now they are gone. She tells us that these bitches need to know what they are getting themselves into when they deal with her. She may be nice today but she could be a bitch from the hood tomorrow. Me too!

Thieving hos!

Sarah’s says her first impression of Kayla is that she might be the angry girl. Lol. What gave it away? Whitney tells us “Honey please, I have my own clothes, I don’t need yours”. About 2 seconds before Kayla decides to kill everyone in the house she finds the bag. IN THE CLOSET. Don’t feel bad Kayla. I stomped around my house for 10 minutes the other night looking for my remote, while holding it.

Oops! My Bad!

And they are off to Club Cabana. In the car over they are laughing and talking and having a grand old time. And drinking. In the club, more drinking. The two Ambers are hugging. Amber Midget is pointing out all the guys when Amber B. tells Amber Midget (I think I have that right) that she has never dated outside her race. If a black person were to walk in there, she would treat them very nicely. Well give the bitch a cookie! Oh man she ain’t through. Mexican’s she tells us are a little different because she thinks of them as illegal. Excuse me for a minute. Hahahahahahahaha! Sorry I had to dance a little and scream. This girl cannot be for real. Amber Midget tells Amber Bigot that if she were to date outside of the caucasian race she might be surprisingly surprised. I will be surprisingly surprised if Amber Bigot isn’t dead before the end of this episode.

Bitch fight!!! Ok dammit these people need to decide what this girls name is. Kayla or KC is getting the stink eye from a drunk bitch at the club and Kayla ain’t having it. Neither is the Boston Bitch Whitney who is fighting with someone also. All I see is a blur of arms and legs and lots of bleeping. They are either kicked out or decide to leave and its on to the next club. I’m sure that fight was a fluke and won’t happen at this club. I am so sure about this. Absolutely.

I was wrong. Kayla accuses some girl of “throwing up signs” and then jumps her ass. Fists are flying and as Whitney says “Guess what? We get kicked out again”. Amber Bigot is telling someone that she’s old and ugly. Since Amber has large zits all over her face I think I’d shut it. Sarah tells us that she’s a little worried about Kayla’s temper and Kayla tells us that she knows she has a bad attitude because she didn’t get everything handed to her on a platter. That’s no excuse. Neither did I and I am a sparkling ray of sunshine at all times. Ask anyone. Except chooch. Or my Hubby. Nevermind.

Bitch please!

Outside of club number 2 Amber Midget is telling Kayla that they need to “rise above and flip their hair and smile.” Shut up Midget.Tiffany says that growing up in the hood is no excuse for acting all ghetto. She tells the skanks that she will not go out if this is whats going to happen.

Kayla tells us that she wants to like Tiff and she thought they would click but they haven’t and she doesn’t know why. Here’s a clue. You both go out and she acts like a human and you act like crack head. OK?

Back at the house Kayla says she is sensing some fake ass shit right now. She gets more and more mad and says “black bitches should stick together but that black bitch is acting fake”.

The next day finds a few of the girls out by the pool. Sarah decides to take off her top and let her tata’s flop loose. Frightening Ailea.

You could put an eye out!

Amber Midget is impressed and says she’s only used to herself having amazing boobs. She decides that from now on they will use Sarah’s amazing hooters to get what they want. Sarah tells us that if it were up to her she would be naked all the time. Me too, but Wal-Mart complained. Bastards.

Inside there’s a knock at the door. It’s a hot guy there to fix the window. Tiffany is molesting hot guy with her eyes and out comes Sarah with her hooters still on the loose. Hot guy pretends he doesn’t see said hooters but he adjusts his tool belt.

I have a hammer in my pants, I swear!

Sarah and Tiffany continue to sexually harass hot guy and when he tells them he is “cutting the caulk” Tiffany says “He’s cutting the cock”. And Sarah replies “You’re a great cock cutter”. I am so gonna puke.

Joy of joys Amber Midget is telling jokes. She asks Ailea “If you go into the bathroom American and you leave American what are you in the bathroom?” You’re a peeing! Hahahaha! OMG I think I cracked a rib laughing at that. Ten years ago when my nephew told it to our pastor. Lame ass twit.

Amber Midget says she has another joke but she can’t do asian voices very well and wonders if Ailea could help? Ailea is not amused and wants to know why she would ask her that. Ailea tells us that she wants to say something to the Midget but she won’t, just yet.

All the girls gather round to discuss who’s going to clean what. My guess is nobody and nothing. They all agree they should just pick up after themselves and pick a day and time to do the heavy stuff. Except Amber Midget. She wants to trade some of her stuff for maid service as she is too good to clean. The other girls think she’s nuts. I think she’s a spoiled puck ass bitch. But then I am too soft hearted for my own good.

In the kitchen Ailea and Kayla are discussing how much they hate Amber Midget. Ailea tells Kayla about Amber Midgets lame attempt at an asian joke and says she found it “Offensful”. That is so not a word. Ailea says “Hello, do I look asian?” And Kayla replies “You look Americanized to me”. Hahaha! Oh man she keeps going with “I mean I can see it but your eyes aren’t all stretched out”. Excuse me, I have to go wrap my head wih duct tape to keep it from exploding.

In the confessional, Ailea, Sarah, Kayla, and Whitney are all ragging on Amber Midget. They say she has all kinds of nick names. Ninja, tuna roll, Darth Vader. Ailea says “Basically anything asian”. Uhh Darth Vader was asian? Kayla says into the camera “Ditzy bitch”.

The coven.

The two Ambers meanwhile are in the kitchen talking about how the other girls are talking about them. That they must think they are too full of themselves. I think you are all full of shit.

In the confessional the Amber Midget bash continues. They say she’s sneaky, conniving and Whitney thinks that she’s probably talking about them behind their backs! Yeah so unlike what you four are doing right now. Dingbat.

Greek Mythology.

Back to the Twit Twins in the hall talking about the wall mural. They think its greek mythology.

Sure. If paintings of angels with wings, one holding handcuffs, one holding a blow dryer, and one holding a martini shaker is considered greek mythology. Do you think its painful to be that stupid? Discuss.

The Ambers sneak up to the confessional door to be all nosy.

Did you fart?

Amber Midget hears the name Amber and is convinced they mean her. They do but how the hell did she know that? Oh hell, Midget goes busting into the room to confront the coven. She centers on Kayla who tells her that she is offensive and fake to everyone in the house. Amber just smiles and says “Blah, blah, blah.” Kayla is praying out loud that she doesn’t lose it and hit this girl and when Midget tells her that she isn’t afraid of her she pours her drink on Midgets head.

Wash your hair!

So Midget slings her drink at Kayla.

Wash your ass!

Bitch this and bitch that. Kayla is pacing back and forth and announcing to no one in particular that she’s from LA. Kayla keeps getting all in Midgets face and Midget tells her she has ass breath and puts her hand over her mouth. Kayla just blows on her causing Midget to say “Just like your Grandma”.

Ass.Breath.

More bitch, bitch I hope you fall down the stairs bitch. Kayla keps bumping Midget over and over while Midget just keeps grinning. She is either really not scared of ass breath or really retarded. I think you know where I stand on that one.

Amber Midget confides that she doesn’t understand why everyone is so mad at her. The others continue dog piling her. Back in the confessional the coven is singing “We don’t give a fuck”.

Tiffany comes out from hiding to say that Amber Midget is dingy and Kayla is a loudmouth. Agreed. She tells Amber Midget that she needs to watch her back and watch what she says to other people. Ok Tiff, stop that shit right now. Making sense on a reality show is FORBIDDEN!

Shut your hole tard.

The very next thing the Midget says is “I’ve never in my life seen so many followers”. And all hell breaks loose as the coven all follow each other back into the room to continue screaming at this poor retarded creature. I mean seriously, does she want an ass whipping?

Tiffany tells her she’s a boxer and she does not want to be around her when she’s in a black out stage. That ain’t from boxing twit that’s from boozing. Freak.

Amber Bigot doesn’t understand why Whitney was even involved. Other than the fact that Whitney was taking up for Kayla. Amber Bigot also tells us that she doesn’t like loud people, or accents, or Indians or poor people.

Sarah tells Amber Midget that she was offended by being called a follower. Midget says she didn’t call her a follower she just said she followed people. What? Sarah was also offended that she was offered money in return for cleaning up after the Midget. How the hell is that offensive? Give me some money, I pretend to clean. Just like I do here. Her point is get a fucking clue and stop pissing everyone off!

Amber Bigot stops listing all the races she hates long enough to tell Amber Midget that Ailea’s Philipino/Kiwi ass is the one who started all this shit. Amber Midget starts talking about leaving. Oh sure, now that I can just about tell you two bitches apart you want to leave!

Amber Midget says in confessional that she wanted to come here and have fun but she’s just not impressed. I am. I am impressed with how clueless one human can be.

Later Amber Midget goes to Kayla and apologizes. She tells her she doesn’t think before she speaks. Kayla tells her that busting in on the coven in the confessional was a violation. Ailea chimes in with “There’s trust and respect and that was really disrespectful”. Yes how dare she bust in on a conversation that was all about her.

Kayla says she doesn’t understand where Amber Midget is coming from. The Midget actually says “Minnesota, Naive Town. Kayla snorts at this and so do I. The Midget wants to know if Kayla thinks she’s a bad person. Kayla says I am not going to say that but I do think you are “low key sneaky”. Amber Midget just apologizes again to them both.

I’m retarded. Sorry.

Kayla says she doesn’t want to accept her apology but she will. How nice of her. Amber Midget says “You didn’t do anything to me”. Enough of this lovey dovey bullshit, somebody start throwing punches please?

Ailea says she doesn’t believe the Midget and thinks no one likes her and that she’s only apologizing to save her own ass. Shut it beaver teeth. Whitney thinks Amber Midget will learn from her mistakes but continue to say stupid shit. At least you two have that in common. Twit.

And the girls are off to another club. They only want to have fun, eat, meet some dudes and not get kicked out. Yeah right.

Not kicked out. Yet.

Whitney climbs up on a table and starts singing “Boston in the house”. Is there no end to her classiness? Seriously, she should teach etiquette classes. To hobo’s. The girls are eating and drinking and having a grand old time when suddenly a blur from another table says “Fuck all them bad girl bitches, they’d be nothing if they weren’t on tv”. True but since you didn’t even make it to the background of the show I guess that makes you less than nothing, so suck it bitch. Its one thing for me to rag on these skanks but it is totally wrong for random assholes to do it. This must be what a mothers love is all about. If I were the mother to seven skanky whores.

Of course Kayla is the first to start shouting at the unknown bitchy blurs.

What did that blurry bitch say?

She ends up throwng her drink and then yes indeedy she gets kicked out. That has got to be some kind of record. Whitney is trying to calm Kayla down but she should be slapping the shit out of her. That girl wastes entirely too much alcohol. Does she know how many alcoholics there are just wishing someone would spill a drink on them? Wasteful!

As the girls are trying to pay the bill and pack up their uneaten food, Kayla is threatening that if those bitches don’t hurry up to have a full fledged hissy. She’s also drunk off her ass. She screams that they are all having fun without her and nobody has her back and there is gonna be a problem back at the house.

Slow ass bitches!

And that’s where episode one ends. I for one am exhausted. And from the looks of the previews, I will be every week. Hope you guys enjoyed it.