Hello sweeties! It’s episode two of Crazy Bitches Gone Wild or as Oxygen insists on calling it Bad Girls Club. It seems we have a special person amongst the group who really thinks she “runs L.A.” Let’s jump on in to Batalie’s head and see what storms are brewing this week!
Looks to me like L.A. RAN your ass OVER, backed up and repeated the process.
We all know what happened last week. Fights. Drunken bitches. More fights. Crying. (That was me) So let’s just see what’s going on this week in the land of morally bankrupt dingbats.
So we start off with Ho Barbie noticing that there is dirt all over their bathroom. She ponders the situation. As we all know Amber who I am this close to calling Ambeer, cannot hold her liquor and has a tendency to molest houseplants when inebriated. Ambeer gives us the the old “I’m going to try to be nice because I don’t want to have to kill anyone ” speech.
But if a large cast iron skillet just happened to fall on Batalie’s head, I wouldn’t give a fuck.
Elsewhere Batalie and Kendra are having a chat. Well Batalie is rambling as usual and Kendra attempts to sneak a word in every time Batalie takes a breath. Batalie was afraid that Kendra would be one of those chicks that don’t like other black chicks. Kendra explains that usually she’s the leader in her town but her town ain’t like L.A. so she feels ok “following” Batalie.
Where I come from, excitement is illegal.
Suddenly Batalie sees someone named “Marcus” and crawls across the table they are sitting at and rushes to throw herself at him. She introduces him all around as her bestest friend in all the land and then explains to us that Marcus is famous. He’s done a bunch of movies and tv shows in Hollywood.
Maybe he was in a famous rabbit movie I must have missed?
Hulk Flogan seems impressed and says some shit in a manly tone that I just can’t quite catch but I think she means she’s a fan. Kendra thinks he’s fine and just her type. Please feel free to look up at his picture again. Fine is not a word that jumps into my head. Fug yes, fine hell no.
Back at the house Ho Barbie suggests that they all sit down and have a family dinner together. Hulk Flogan blithers that she didn’t come here to eat she came here to have fun.She wants to go to a strip club.
Bitch been eatin’ something!
So the Ho’s get all pertied up and head out to the strip club.
Eeny meeny miney ho, which one you think has herpes?
Ok Ho Barbie thinks this is all well and good. Hey a strip club ain’t cheatin’. Right?
It’s just eye candy.
Of course your eye will be all red and inflamed in the morning but whateves.
Most of the girls are having a ball, or two, but poor LooneySpice is just worried that the greasy balled man whores will leave stains on her clothes. Gotta say, I’ve been there.
Oh please Mr. Man, don’t leave a stain on my bosom!
Kendra is under the belief that the guys are all gay but still finds them amusing. Then we see this.
Hulk Flogan promptly picks up the girl and tries to take her back to her cave. Batalie reminds her that such services need to be paid for.
Damn! Prostitution is legal now? If I’d known that I’d quit my job at McDonald’s already!
As the night goes on, not a whole lot happening. Seems these Bad Girls are slightly boring so they play a lot of music and just show people smiling. Yippie. Then we see this.
Uhhhhhh, nobody was asking but ok.
Ambeer then tells us that she is not a homophobe she just thinks gay people are icky. Ok those weren’t her exact words but she does say she doesn’t like to see people making out, not even straight people. However she does watch porn but thats a completely different situation. Uh duh. When you watch porn you can hide in your own home and no one is the wiser but out in public when you see two same sex people kissing you can act all grossed out and sanctimonious. Then she continues with this.
Methinks she doth protest too much!
Back at the mansion Hulk Flogan is running around being all manly about some shit. Cut to LooneySpice and Ho Barbie asking “Who are these people?” Back to the loud ones screaming some shit about butt shots. Then back to the quiet church girls who barely speak above a whisper. They hope the loud ones will lose their voices.
A bit later they decide to go to In & Out Burger. Hulk Flogan, which I am tired of typing, so she shall now be known just as Manly, yells that she needs some cigarettes. LooneySpice says they don’t sell those there. Manly says there are a hundred stores in between that do.
So off LooneySpice and Batalie go to the store. Why in Jesus name LooneySpice would be in an enclosed space with this control freak nutsack I have no clue. First thing Batalie says is that she needs to put her seat back and laughs at how she holds the steering wheel.
The “I’m about to shit my pants look” works so much better than 10 & 2.
The entire time Batalie keeps telling LooneySpice that she’s too uptight and she just wants her to feel looser. Yeah nothing like feeling loose on the highway. What could possibly go wrong? I’m starting to think this bitch is retarded. She was amusing at first but I’ve been in an accident where someone was “feeling loose” and my best friend died. So I ain’t feelin’ Batalie so much right now. Feel loose at home nutjob.
Over and over their stupid conversation goes and then Batalie says something that finally puts me over the edge. She tells poor not so bright LooneySpice that she actually enjoys some of the annoying things she says. Think about that for a minute. If someone you knew said that shit to you, you would pop them in their tater. Hard.
Jesus, you are so annoying. I’m surprised I speak to you.
After Batalie assures LooneySpice she’s not so bad she reminds her they need to stop for ciggs for Manly. LooneySpice had forgotten. Then since she couldn’t find a store on the right hand side of the road she decided that Manley could just suck butts.
Where the fuck are my ciggs BITCH?
I ain’t kidding. Manly loses his/hers/it’s freaking mind. “If some one had asked me for cigarettes I would NEVAH come home wid out dem!” Take a pill heman. Sheesh you knew you were going on a trip how about packing some provisions? You know, like a jock strap, nut hair remover, whack it juice and some cigs!
My manly juices must escape!
Meanwhile LooneySpice just tears up, whines and declares she is not going to fight about something like this! Ok Oxygen producers. Got a small bone to pick here. You know damn well you pick the most screwed up loud mouthed insane bitches on the planet to be on this show. Why LooneySpice. Just for shits and giggles? She so far cannot hold her own. Oxygen, y’all some evil ass bastards!
The next morning Manly is telling Ambeer that it’s good that “they” let some shit out last night cause its good for you. Manly seems a little hoarse. Gee I wonder why? Meanwhile LooneySpice is unloading the dishwasher and talking about how they should all try to communicate better……………………..(these bitches never learn)
Elsewhere in the house Batalie and Ho Barbie are dicussing the terrors they bestow on those who are less fortunate than them selves. Ugly people. Or anyone who generally just gets on their last freakin nerve.
I am sooooo imaginative!!!
Batalie explains that the old point and laugh is her best gimmick. Cause you know, people have never experienced being pointed at, or laughed at and eventually they just crawl into a hole and die.
Ho Barbie explains that she usually reserves her insults for her bestest friends. Batalie finds this annoying of course and tells us that even though Ho Barbie is cute and has a “slammin” body she’s just as much of a slut as they all are. Awwwww, group hug. Sniffles.
Back in the kitchen LooneySpice is losing her shit because , get this, THE GARBAGE STINKS! Someone threw some stinky old raw meat in the garbage instead of feeding it to Manly! They all pretend to freak out because throwing garbage into the fucking garbage can is apparently illegal in California.
Bet that rancid meat smell ain’t coming from the garbage……
On and on LooneySpice rants about how bugs are drawn to garbage. Yes dinglewad, that’s why you empty the shit on a daily basis. Or as I mentioned, feed it to Manly. Finally after using a haz mat team to clean the garbage holding area, LooneySpice runs screaming through the house with the smallest bag of garbage I’ve ever seen. I bet she called Homeland Security to come get it.
WE’RE ALL GONNA DIE!
Upstairs Manly, Portia and Batalie all make fun of LooneySpice for her meat obsession and Batalie admits that she was the one who put it in the garbage. Outside we go.
Batalie wants to pick on LooneySpice so badly that it’s just pathetic. She tells everyone that she made the comment to LooneySpice that she wanted to have a BBQ. Then she tells everyone that LooneySpice says that she doesn’t eat. Lonney denies this and says she loves food. She also says she’s a fat girl at heart.
You and me both girl.
Batalie won’t let it go because it annoys her that Looney has eating problems. Why is this her fucking business? The others chime in and try to explain to Batalie that it isn’t her business. Looney tells everyone that she is eating because she doesn’t want her hair to fall out and Batalie just laughs at her and comntinues to run her big ass mouth.
I seriously doubt it.
Batalie jumps up and wants to know if they are going to eat or not because right now she doesn’t feel like she knows her. WHAT? Ho Barbie tries to make Batshitalie rethink the way she approaches people. As Kendra points out to us, the reason Batshitalie attacks LooneySpice constantly is because she is the weakest link. Pathetic.
OMG. Later that night Batshitalie decides to show everyone her boyfriend. HE WORK ON SEASAME STREET PEOPLE!!!! Hahahahahahahahaha! The bitch who runs L.A. is dating Elmo’s friend? Hahahahahahahaha!!!!!!!
Meet Miles y’all. He can get you Big Bird’s autograph!
Batshitalie tells us that she and her boyfriend have been dating for 6 years. He lives in New York and he knows she likes to party like a rock star and he just deals with it. Then she demonstrated him singing ABC………
Do you think he could teach us how to spell?
A little later Ho Barbie and Kendra are discussing sex and the lack there of. They all get ready to go out. Of course Batshitalie has to show Portia how to dress first. Off they go. Happy happy, dancing, drinking. Suddenly LooneySpice spots herself a target. And they start chatting.
So far so good.
Yep, Batshitalie lures LooneySpices dude away. That’s is such a violation. Besides. hello? I thought Batshitalie was basically engaged to Elmo’s cousin? Wrong, wrong, wrong!
None of the girls think it was a decent thing to do and they decide to go home. Once at home most of the girls want to go to sleep but Batshtalie is all, it’s only 12:30am. So?
Meanwhile Manly carries Batshitalie up the stairs in what I can only assume is a form of foreplay.
Uh those aren’t handles, usually.
So then they grab someones picture off the wall and throw it in the pool. Yawn. Batshitalie then informs us that not only does she have all the connections in L.A. but that Manly is as much of a bitch as she is therefore she loves her. Then they start taking naught pictures.
That’s one way to air that thang out.
Oops her pet crab tried to escape!
Somebody’s gonna have pecker tracts in their undies tonight!
Then Batshitalie tells us that although she loves to tease Manly she is “strictly dickly!” OY.
The following morning Batshitalie decides to fuck with LooneySpice some more and claim that she used her eggs. She didn’t but she just wanted to freak her out. It seems LooneySpice keeps up with her eggs and she has a particular way in which she removes them from the cartoon. She refuses to share this knowledge with the class. And she gets laughed at.
What did my eggs ever do to you?
Cleaning day! Everyone gets assigned a job. Everyone except for Ho Barbie because she decided she wanted to go for a run first. No one seems to have a big hairy problem with this until Batshitalie announces to Manly that Ho Barbie doesn’t have a job. This makes Manly angry because she keeps her home spotless and refuses to live with a bunch of pigs.
When Ho Barbie gets back from her run she is told the bathrooms are her department. She says fine. No problem. But, she wants to lay out for a couple of hours.
I’ll do it a little later.
All hell breaks loose because Batshitalie screams that the bathrooms will be cleaned NOW. Not later. NOW!!!!!! This lasts for what seems like forever. Then I see Ho Barbie talking to Batshitalie in this room and I have a question.
Who the hell was supposed to clean that shit up?
Finally after much screaming and blah blah blah the bathrooms get cleaned but for some reason the resident whackadoo still keeps running her mouth and grabs the windex bottle from Ho Barbie and slings it at her.
Yack yack yack batshit crazy yickity yack yack yack!
Moving along because I am tired of hearing this bitches voice! Oh sheesh. Now they are all yelling about how the house cannot be run like this. Everyone’s grouchy and then Manly offers a solution. She tells the uptight bitches to freakin masturbate and get rid of some of their aggressions.
I whack it 2-3 times a day.
Portia and LooneySpice bond in the car and then later back at the house Manly and Kendra are having fun with nude dude playing cards. Manly sees one dude with a hairy ass and announces she likes that, probably because it matches her own. Then they find a small male blow up doll that looks a wee bit icky because it looks like a child size doll only it has a penis. They decide to run around and find a victim.
Just a bit creepy.
Now who hasn’t been sleeping peacefully one second and had a penis poking at them the next?
Batshitalie and Kendra decide they are bored and call Marcus to come spend some time with Kendra. He shows up and its off to the hot tub. Kendra tells him how she likes to have intellectual conversations with men.
I’ve always found it easier to speak without someone else’s tongue in my throat.
After he leaves Batshitalie calls her boyfriend. And starts a fight. He doesn’t seem to give a shit and really acts like he doesn’t care to speak to her and eventually hangs up. Before he does she tells him she’s buying him a ticket and he needs to come see her. He declines the offer. Hahahahahaha!
But I run L.A.!!!!!!!!!!!!!
What to do when you’ve had a fight with the BF? Go get tarted up and go out of course!!!
If there is a God in heaven, NONE of these bitches will sing!
Then I see this sign.
Sure, why not?
At first everyone seems to be having a good time. Lots of drinks. Dancing, the usual. Then Batshitalie notices that she hasn’t heard the word “ME” in 2 or 3 seconds and starts throwing a drunken fit about her boyfriend.
You guys don’t understand. I love him more than life. Wahhhhhhhhhhh!
Even Ho Barbie can only listen to so much jibberish and walks off.
They finally decide to gather up everyone and leave. Manly has to go to the bathroom to grab who ever is in their puking. I think it was Kendra. They all pile into the limo and have to keep listening to her blather on about how sad she is and wah wah wah. Someone tells her to shut it and let someone else freakin speak. Kendra is trying to talk her down but just manages to piss her off.
That about sums it up.
Batshitalie starts freaking out and decides she wants to sit on the other side of the limo away from Kendra and crawls across everyone to do it. Then Kendra makes a comment about Batshitalie being from L.A. and Batshitalie goes completely apeshit and jumps across and hits her.
Nothing like a good old fashioned limo fight!
It takes all Manly can do to hold Batshitalie down but she manages.
Manly is shocked that Batshitalie hit Kendra in the face. Kendra just keeps yelling how Batshitalie broke the rules and is going home. Batshitalie threatens to throw Kendra out of the car.
Back at home Batshitalie stomps around screaming, what else, she runs L.A. Kendra is pissed because she hit her in the face and Kendra happens to like her face.
Batshitalie’s story is that Kendra pushed her so thats why she hit her. Kinda hard to push someone when you are sitting on the OTHER side of the limo. Oh Jesus shut up already. Batshialie follows the girls outside to say she only hit her after she was pushed and even if she goes home she STILL RUNS L.A.. Hate is not a strong enough word right now.
Batshitalie goes and calls her brother to boo hoo to him. She tells him that Kendra pushed her and “Why would you put your hands on the baddest bitch in the house?” She continues by saying she doesn’t think these bitches get it, SHE RUNS L.A.
I am about 2 seconds from jumping off a bridge.
Even her own brother is sick of hearing the shit and asks her why she keeps saying that and to him it sounds like she’s out of control!
Batashitalie has to pack a bag and go stay at a hotel for the night according to the rules. Then they will have a meeting to decide whether she stays or goes.
I’ll give LooneySpice the last word.
“Hey Natalie, come suck my ass bitch!”
So what do you guys think? Will they actually send Batshitalie home? I have serious doubts that they will this early but one can hope!
Until next week lovies!