Hope everyone had a wonderful Christmas/whatever holiday you celebrate. Mine was great. Except for all the relatives. Since Bad Girls is a repeat this week I thought I’d hold off on this recap until tonight. (That’s my story and I’m 60% sure it’s true) Let’s go review what happened last week on Bad Girls Club!
Someone needs to buy your ass a bag for that face. Woof!
We all know what happened last time. Manly got her ass left behind and decided she was never going to be nice again. Ever. The girls divided into 2 groups. The Trashy and The Classy. I can’t really tell who’s supposed to be who so let’s just move along.
We start off with everyone outside boozing it up in the sun. Always a great combo. HoBarbie is telling everyone how her boyfriend is from “the projects” and she is so in love despite this and she wakes up every morning thanking God for her broke ass boyfriend. Everyone awwwwww’s. Except for you know who. Batshitalie decides to stop running the small country that is located in her head long enough to say,” That’s is very beautiful, mushy mushy, but listen.” Then she rambles on about how she can’t be with an average Joe because she has been on a private jet. She has been all over the world.
Blah blah blah, the usual.
Next time you are on a jet, how about getting the pilot to stop at a dermatologist’s office.
As Batshitalie keeps rambling about her “BMW right off the show room floor” Manly jumps in and says she has dated men with money and they suck. Then Portia chimes in with how she goes to sleep in her boyfriends arms every night and as long as they have their home she could care less about money. Batshit rolls her eyes.
Portia tells us when she first met Batshit she thought she was cool. Basically she now knows Batshit is a man using money ho.
Oh sheesh. Batshit just told the most heart wrenching story. Get the tissues people, you shall need them. When she was a kid, she struggled. STRUGGLED! Sometimes, when she wanted Mac & Cheese, there was no milk and she had to use WATER! Water people!
Next time on Oprah, The Rags to Riches Story of Growing Up With Milkless Mac & Cheese.
On and on she rambles until karma decides to shut her ass up by breaking her lounge chair making her spill her drink on herself. Manly jumps in to help.
Wasting booze is a sin.
Later the girls are off to Venice Beach! The best thing I’ve seen on this episode yet….
Bad Girls 5: The Bitches Get Playful
The girls hit the beach and start flirting and generally having a good old slutty time. Then they come across this woman. She reads palms.
She obviously did not read her own or she would have known to get the hell out of the sun before she turned into a prune!
She tells Kendra she sees a big hat in her future. She tells HoBarbie she’s a ho. Blah blah blah. She tells Batshit that she will be wealthy because she’s a heartless bitch. She tells Portia she shall have children. Oooooooooooh man she is psychic!!!
I see that you shall never have milkless mac & cheese again!
Moving along the girls hit up a cantina. Or a clown college, I can’t be sure.
I’m guessing clown college.
Oops I was wrong! Lots of drinky drinky and LooneySpice gets all horny horny and goes on the prowl. From the looks of it, she has a thing for Mr. Clean types.
My kitty likes to be petted.
Looney drones on about having a kid. Always a big draw for a guy. Then she starts describing her kid. It’s a cat. Mr. Clean looks confused.
Looney tells us she is single and wants to date a single guy, preferably NOT a renter, a college graduate with no kids. Good luck with that dingbat.
Manly tells us she feels sorry for Looney because she has poor man browsing skills. No shit. She’ll probably tell her next victim how well Vagisil works. Oh no, Looney is off to the next table.
Sometimes when I change my kitties litter box, I make little dollies out of her poo.
Finally Manly comes over, tells Looney to get the number and get out. Stop hovering like a little nutty gnat. Guess what? Looney got some poor bastards number!!!
Back at home Looney tells the girls that she read that Eli Manning was coming to town. Turns out his wife is/was Looney’s sorority sister but Looney doesn’t care. Turns out she basically dates men who are married. Kendra call’s her a home wrecker and Ambeer has this look on her face.
So not only are you nuts, you are a ho too. A multi-tasker.
Moving on to Portia and yet another chat with her boyfriend. He’s bitching about missing her and how hard his life is because of her being gone. She wants him to reassure her that no matter how hard it gets, he’s there for her. She starts crying and talking about their bond and he mumbles some shit about how he has to speak his mind or she will be left in the blue. That means he’s fucking around.
I think what he’s saying is he has blue balls.
After hanging up, Portia is very upset and goes outside to spill her guts to Manly. In the middle of Manly being an actual friend and listening, this hideous thing appears.
Talk about a bad moon rising.
As Portia attempts to keep pouring her guts out and crying, Batshit keeps trying to shut her up. No man is worth this blah blah blah. Manly is getting pissed and saying to Batshit that she needs to get this out. Batshit feels she already has. Kendra jumps in and says “You cut her off!”
Oh yeah Batshit, your way looks like it worked like a charm.
On and on it goes with Manly and Kendra trying to explain that they need to let Portia ramble as much as she needs to in order to get all these shitty feelings out. Batshit argues back that she has already gotten it all out. How the hell would she even know that? At this point Portia has basically just shut down while Batshit keeps yapping.
Manly astutely tells us that no matter what the situation, Batshit always has to find a way to make it all about her. Finally Batshit stumbles off slurring, “Go ahead, keep her crying and push her to the edge!”
Manly tells Portia that when she needs to cry, just cry. And if she feels that being in this house will ruin her relationship then she should leave.
I might leave, but Ima knock a knot on that bitches head before I go.
Later Batshit and HoBarbie are having a deep discussion. LOL. It seems Batshit cannot relate to Portia’s problems because she is a party girl and she doesn’t think about other peoples feelings. NO! You are pulling my leg! HoBarbie just wants to have fun and learn because it seems she used to be very narrow minded. I guess that’s why her head makes that whistling noise when the wind blows.
Hey WhistleHead, fix your bra strap cause one of your floppies is floppier than the other.
Back upstairs, Manly asks Portia if she’s talked to her man. Portia has called him 8 times. No answer. Manly bluntly states “He’s cheating on you.” Portia is now realizing that she and her boyfriend are having problems and that maybe he doesn’t want to be with her anymore. She tells Manly that they live together so she didn’t think he had time to cheat. Manly makes a “Are you fucking kidding me?” face. She then recalls all these times that he went “fishing” for like 8 hours and that he wouldn’t take his phone and four wheeling for like 8 hours. Manly explains that her that her relative is a professional fisherman and he would never fish for 8 hours. Her final conclusion? HE’S CHEATING!
And then there was light.
Later Batshit is on the phone with her broke ass boyfriend. You know the one she claims to be in love with yet at the same time is afraid he’ll always be poor. She’s telling him that even if he never gets a record deal she will still love him the same. Strange how she does one thing yet says another.
I love you with all my heart, at least I would if I had one.
She tells him that her being a go getter shouldn’t scare him away. He says it doesn’t. Her face without make up does. He tells her he wishes she were less about money and she says she wishes he was more of a hustler. Wake me up when this convo is over zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz.
Finally they are off to eat. Looney claims she doesn’t know any married man who wears a wedding ring. Seems she was involved with a married man for a while and she justified it because the only reason he married her was because she was pregnant. I’m really starting to want to smack Looney. Portia explains to her dumb ass that regardless of why they got married, they are MARRIED and therefore NOT HER BUSINESS!
Looney tells us she doesn’t want to date married men. It’s just that there are no single men left in L.A. And then she spots some potential material and off she goes again.
One thing’s for sure, if there is an ugly dude around, Looney will spot him.
She chats them up and invites them to a party later. Suddenly she figures out that they are both married and runs from the table yelling “I did it again.”
Hey Looney the ring on his finger might be a CLUE!
Back at the house Portia calls her Grandmother so she can talk to her daughter. Her daughter doesn’t want to talk. This is very upsetting to Portia and only adds fuel to what I suspect is a slow burning fire.
Portia decides she as well as the others need a night out. So off they go. Drinky drinky, dancey dancey, happy happy! Then this dude shows up and Batshit is all over him. His name is Jeremy and he’s a Pro skateboarder. He’s also gross.
I hope Oscar doesn’t mind that you are leaving him alone in his garbage can.
Batshit tells us J.R. is a really good friend and if she wanted to date him she could. And if she wanted money he would give it to her. All night she’s in his ear saying stupid shit like how much of a hustler she is and that “If someone breaks bread on her, she flips it 10 times more.” Could I get a jibberish to English dictionary please?
The other girls all notice that Batshit is being a big “slut butt” as Ambeer notices. They all decide to go back to the house. Batshit tells them not to let the dude come back to house or she’ll cheat. I’m pretty sure rubbing your ass up and down on dude’s crotch counts as cheating.
Back to the house they go where Looney demonstrates her pole skills. The guy offers her $5 and she looks confused.
Oh no the drinks are free here.
Batshit takes CreepyBoy to her closet and shows him clothes that she knows he’d want to screw her in. Then she takes him into the sauna. She tells us she is a Bad Girl and bad girls don’t wait around to see if their boyfriend is gonna get it together or not. She’s gonna juggle some other boys and see what else is out there. Ha! Not what ya told boyfriend.
Can you imagine what their kids would look like?
She immediately starts working him for cash. When that doesn’t work she asks for his American Express card. Lots of giggling but no promises of money. By the way….
The most interesting dude in the house tonight.
Outside Ambeer is cracking everyone up with her imitations of Batshit. Then she tells us that Batshit is trashy, classless, and some other shit and then leans into the camera and says….
Get that through your thick fucking weave.
As CreepyBoy leaves, Batshit yells at him to meet her at Venice Beach tomorrow and to bring his American Express card.
The next day the girls are playing with the naughty vending machine and vibrators. HoBarbie decides that since Looney can’t find a guy she is going to show her how to take care of things herself.
Unless Looney is seriously deformed, that ain’t where that goes.
After much playing with various sex toys the girls decide to go out to the pool and chat. Of course the first question out of Batshit’s mouth is how many of them have had sugar daddies. LooneySpice used to date the President of some school and his Dad was the Mayor of the town. Batshit is impressed because mayors make lots of money. Huh? No they don’t. Now it’s time for yet another Batshit story. She used to work in Beverly Hills. She met lots of Russian Armenian men and one of them was 60 years old, happily married with kids. He set her up in a $200,000 boutique and she didn’t have to do a thing.
Except suck his shriveled old Mr. Peepers.
Later Manly decides they need to go speed dating. In the car on the way to lunch they start running down questions they should ask. Of course Batshit wants to know how much money the dude has in the bank. Are you an owner or a renter….etc. Portia is getting ticked that all Batshit talks about is money and it makes them all look like gold diggers.
Back to house they go to get ready. Once they get to the speed dating place the drinks start pouring. Ambeer tells us that she has a boyfriend but she is sexually frustrated. ok. They drink a toast to not meeting losers and then Batshit adds this.
You better hope their criteria doesn’t include women who don’t wear weaves.
Two English sounding twits announce that this is speed dating and to take their places. And then it begins.
Looney actually has some intelligent questions she plans to ask. As for the others, not so much. What you are about to see my be disturbing and or repulsive. You have been warned.
Somewhere a village is missing a pimp.
Looks a bit on the “unwashed” side.
Most of the conversation is boring as all hell but then Looney snags a dude and very nearly talks him to death. While she’s boring him to tears I notice that Batshit seems to be having trouble keeping her tits in her dress.
It must smell money.
Possible serial killer.
Definite serial killer.
After more inane convo poor Portia has this look on her face.
After speed dating is over they all head over to a bar. Lots of flirting and boring shit. Kendra meets a guy who actually looks normal but he says his name is Angel. She gets his number and then tells him that better be his real name.
What a shock.
As Manly is asking some guys to come to the Hideout with them all of the sudden Batshit screams “My coochie feather machine!” And they show this. Everyone with any sense is embarrassed and grossed out.
Coochie feather. Also known as Napkin of Disease.
Manly is getting more and more pissed because of how the other twits are acting. They decide it’s time to go. In the limo someone asks Manly why she’s upset. She tells them that every time they go anywhere someone has to act a fool and embarrass every body.
That’s when the screaming starts. HoBarbie thought they all had a great time. She doesn’t get it. Manly is begining to lose it and says she is tired of guys thinking they are lazy dumb sluts. Portia agrees with her and says when one fucks up it makes them all look bad. Suddenly Batshit jumps up and says she can say whatever the fuck she wants to because there ain’t no ring on this finger. And she quotes Beyonce’.
Girl, you are NO Beyonce!
The fighting escalates until they stop the limo. Batshit gets out, followed by Portia and Manly. Manly tries to keep them from actually fighting while they yell insults back and forth. Batshit starts to walk away and Portia calls her cheap and says she spread her legs for a BMW. Portia keeps screaming insults. Then Batshit goes up to the bouncer dude and asks him not to judge all black people on just her. And she apologizes. Okie dokie.
In the end it’s decided that Kendra will join Batshit and they will take a cab home. Back at the house people try to get the hell outta dodge and go hide. Batshit decides not to go inside until those bitches get drunk enough to fall asleep. Only problem is she keeps running her mouth. The upstairs window is open and Portia hears Batshit making remarks about her 3 year old daughter. That’s when Satan paid a visit to the Bad Girls house.
You know that sound you hear when Jaws is approaching? Insert that here.
Not the weave!
Don’t ya just love how calm Kendra is?
I cannot even count how many it took to get these two apart.
Even after they are pulled apart they keep screaming. Kendra claims they were just sitting there being saints when they were attacked out of no where. Manly explains that she over heard things being said about her daughter. Kendra waves her off.
Portia yells she should knock Batshits teeth out. Batshit says “Go take care of your child Ho.”
Poor thing….giggle giggle.
Batshit tells us she has no respect for Portia because she should have knuckled up at the Hideout and not once they were at home and she was sitting down. She has a point but, the only reason she knucked up on your ass was because you brought her daughter into it. Bad move on both your parts.
Portia knows she’s going home because she hit first and HoBarbie asks her for her number. Someone from production tells Portia a car is waiting for her and she says she knows. HoBarbie is sad that Portia has to leave but says with a grin, “I’m just glad she hit Natalie on the way out.”
Portia tells us she’s glad she didn’t let Natalie get away with what she did. She did what any other Mother would do. Then she writes some shit on Batshit’s picture. And I believe she said Damn her mother for breeding something like that.
Batshit starts moping around asking why she got hit. HoBarbie says she doesn’t condone violence but that Batshit knew talking about her kid was the one thing, only she can’t finish because Batshit claims she didn’t know it was a big deal because Portia never talked to her about her kid.
Bottom line to Batshit is that Portia hit her and she’s going home. AND….she was just trying to help her out.
I’m a regular Mother Teresa.
These three snuggle up and laugh about Portia beating on Batshit and Looney just wishes Batshit was the one leaving. They decide they should strike. Then they giggle.
Meanwhile outside Batshit is running around yapping about how that bitch ain’t gonna get her with no cheap shot. You mean like the one you were taking at her 3 year old daughter? Then she blithers on about giving Portia the keys to her BMW and that it’s because of haters like that that she doesn’t tell people about her life.WHO HAS SHE NOT TOLD ABOUT HER LIFE?
blah blah blah blah blah
As she’s finally leaving she yells something about sending some goons to Portia’s front door and then says she can’t wait until the Reunion Show where they can square up.
Oh well, Portia’s a goner. I don’t see any way for them to keep her. She broke the rules. But at least she got to knock Batshit in the tater. That alone was worth writing this recap! There was no show this week so I’ll see you guys next week!
Love and smooches,