Happy New Year Gasmi! I hope everyone has sobered up by now. On second thought, just in case this recap sux, bottoms up! If ya need another excuse to drink, here it is. This is Bad Girls Club!
Last week on BGC, a bunch of boring shit happened and then Portia lost her shit and beat Batshit about the weave. Hard. That means Portia went bye bye.
This just never gets old.
With Portia gone, the dingbats have split into three’s and they are discussing what the new girl will be like and..zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz. Outside LooneySpice, Ambeer and HoBarbie have taken up roost and upstairs the whiskey voiced Manly and Batshit. Oh and the follower Kendra. Batshit has now decided the house has divided into “The Leads” & “The Extras” . She says the Extras are just there to fill in space. I guess that’s why she shoved a flower pot in between her ears. To fill the empty space. Oh look a flower is growing. Must be all that shit she is full of.
Al Gore said this would happen.
Knock knock. Dude shows up. Claims he is from the “plant watering business”. Uhhh, ok. Out here we call those landscapers. Or more accurately at my house we call that me with a water hose. Anyway I can’t figure out why he was even there except to give Manly a hard on which he does and then leaves. He did at least water a dried up looking bush. And no I don’t mean Batshit.
I bet hers is bigger than his.
Holy rewind Batman! Nope I heard it right the first time. Hang on I have to jump up and down and scream. Ok I think I broke my boob but I have to get this out. Ok. The dingbats are discussing where they should go tonight. Batshit wishes to go to Le Deux. HoBarbie says……..wait for it…………she actually says she’d rather go to the Hookup because she just doesn’t want to go to Le Deux on ALL BLACK NIGHT.
Coming next Chrtistmas, KlanBarbie with her designer line of white sheets and pointy hats.
Let that one marinate for a sec.
Oh no she di’ent! Oh yes she did!! She claims it came out wrong but I think it came out right she just forgot she was speaking out loud! Batshit is majorly pissed and decides that if that’s how she wants to play it then fine, she won’t go to any of KlanBarbie’s whitey events either.
On a side note I just want to see KlanBarbie’s face when someone explains to her that we have a black president. Never mind, then you would have to explain to her what a president is and it would be a whole big production.
Anyway, KlanBarbie tells us that sometimes she says the wrong thing and she doesn’t mean any harm but that she is very narrow minded. NO SHIT!
Batshit is pissed to the gills but Kendra decides that KlanBarbie is not racist. Mainly because no one has instructed her to yet. Kendra says that when white folks aren’t around black folks all the time sometimes they forget to put their filter on. I think she just told more about herself than KlanBarbie.
I would think a thought, I just don’t know how!
KlanBarbie is still trying to explain her way out of this mess but Batshit doesn’t want to hear it. KlanBarbie explains that black men are very aggressive and she just doesn’t feel like getting hit on. What? Then go to Radio Shack! Why go to ANY club if you are afraid of being hit on?
Batshit has abandoned all hope and leaves the room calling KlanBarbie ignorant. Blah blah blah…………….
KlanBarbie just won’t shut up and continues to explain/apologize/keep from being killed in her sleep until Manly, who I guess is now an expert on black people says, “You aren’t black so you will never understand that what you just said was really racist.” Hell I’m white as a lily and I found it racist.
KlanBarbie screams that she is NOT RACIST! She has dated black men so that proves it! Most folks would have shut their cookie hole then and walked away. Not KlanBarbie. Nope. She had more to say. She said, and I quote, “I just don’t feel like going to a sweaty black place…..”.
This is when Manly loses it. She can’t believe what she just heard but I’m thanking the stars above because this shit is recap gold! Uh oh. Did I type that out loud? I must have forgotten my filter. Fuck it, I don’t have one. Manly wants to know what the hell sweat and black have to do with each other and she wonders if white people themselves don’t sweat. I don’t. Ever. I always smell of vanilla and cookies. Even when I fart.
LooneySpice also seems to think that what KlanBarbie said came out wrong. Can someone take what she said and make it sound right please? Hello?
KlanBarbie won’t let it drop and follows Manly and Batshit upstairs. Lots of yelling back and forth. KlanBarbie decides that her friends are way more caring because they don’t yell at her. Batshit basically tells her to go play with her nice friends and that maybe if they did care about her they would yell at her and then maybe she wouldn’t say such stupid shit.
Ambeer tells us she is in an interracial relationship and she sees this black/white thing all the time. She doesn’t think KlanBarbie meant it the way it came out either. She also says that no matter what you say in this house you will be yelled at by someone. Awww, just like my house growing up.
Outside we go. KlanBarbie tells Ambeer that people take things too personally. Ha! She also says that she has a huge ass and she doesn’t want to get hit on. Cause we all know black guys like big asses. And watermelon. And fried chicken. I may have made those last two up.
Coming soon…KlanBarbie’s cousin StereotypeBarbie.
Later Manly is having a small fit in the bathroom. She says she has never had to live around people who are ignorant and don’t know nothing about nothing and then she repeats what KlanBarbie said about never being yelled at and she yells “Welcome to my house cause I’m ya mutha now bitch!” All the while Batshit is rolling around on the bed laughing while the other girls just listen.
Someone forgot to get their rabies booster shot.
KlanBarbie calmly tells us she is not racist. She said something stupid and ignorant and she takes it back. She also says these bitches can stay home and yell but she has a limo waiting. Cut to Manly running around screaming “Dorothy ya not in Kansas anymore. Ya gonna hear it!”
Ambeer thinks KlanBarbie is harmless, after all it’s not like she said “Fuck you black people.” Yeah it kinda was.
As Ambeer, KlanBarbie and Looney are leaving, Manly is still yelling and says “Extra’s go to da club and be extra’s like ya know how to be.”
Once at the club the girls are trying to figure out why Kendra is hanging around Batshit. Ambeer gets all deep and says that Batshit needs Kendra’s beauty to attract guys and Kendra wants the confidence that Batshit has and Manly is “just the MAN!” KlanBarbie announces that she and Ambeer and Looney will grow the most while the rest of them will be set in their ways.
Are they growing yet?
Just as I am about to fall asleep from this boring crap the alcohol must have kicked in and the girls decide to ride the mechanical bull. Why is there always a mechanical bull? Ambeer especially enjoyed the ride and after getting off the damn thing she runs over and humps the railing.
Now that is classy.
Back at the house the drunken dingbats stumble around and make a lot of noise and this pisses off the man of the house. Manly yells out “The whores of the house are back everybody.” It seems Manly was almost asleep. Now she is fully awake. She goes down the hall and tells KlanBarbie she better be glad hitting is not allowed because she would be pounding her ugly big nosed face in right now. And she calls her a fucking ugly bitch. She calls them all dirty whores.
Someone’s jock strap is in a knot.
KlanBarbie could care less. She tells us Manly has awakened her several times. Then they show Kendra.
Hello! Anybody in there?
Oh hell, Batshit is up now and looking as ragged as ever. She mumbles some bullshit and then Ambeer makes a snoring noise causing Manly to have another shit fit. She screams a bunch of shit all the while KlanBarbie is laughing and dancing.
I have titties!
Manly calls KlanBarbie fake. Uh, duh. A bunch of jibberish is being thrown around and then Batshit comes out to hold Manly back. LOL. As if. Kendra tells us that this isn’t the Bad Girls Club it’s the Crazy Girls Club. To the rest of the nuts she says nada.
KlanBarbie has now followed Batshit and Manly back to their room. She snatches Batshits blanket off of her and yells that she isn’t good for her word. She tells Batshit that nobody likes her and as Batshit stands up on the bed, KlanBarbie slaps the water bottle out of her hand. This displeases Batshit who picks up her water bottle and proceeds to sling whats left of it all over KlanBarbie.
The water got on Batshit, shouldn’t she be melting?
LooneySpice takes this chance to make a potato chip commercial. Seriously, she tells us she doesn’t want to fight, she’d rather eat.
Chips, chips, good for the heart! The more you eat the more you fart! Yay!
KlanBarbie keeps bouncing back and forth between Batshit and Manly. She accuses Manly of calling Batshit a slut and being fake herself and Manly jumps up and screams, “I was talking about you!”. Manly tells her she is a fucking skank and the slut of the house. KlanBarbie takes this opportunity to try to get Manly to hit her. Manly wants to know if she thinks she is stupid.
It’s not nice to taunt the house lesbo.
On and on. Manly tells KlanBarbie she is ugly and has a huge nose that will never go anywhere and she needs to get “a plastic surgery.” While ranting Manly tells KlanBarbie to go and get some more fake eyelashes and extensions. KlanBarbie almost pees herself as she points out that hello, your best friend in the house has BOTH OF THOSE.
Where the hell is a giant earthquake when ya need one?
Manly screams out that Batshit is black. Ok. Thanks for the info, but how does that make lashes and extensions any less fake? As the two dingbats jump on their beds and sing KlanBarbie tells Manly that if Batshit had a dick she would be sucking it right now. Then KlanBarbie grabs a stool and sits in between the two beds and announces that is where she will stay all night and just yell. She spins around and says “Weee this is fun. What do you want to yell about now?”
I think she probably stays dizzy enough without spinning.
Thankfully all this shit ends as night turns to day. KlanBarbie, Ambeer and Looney are out by the pool discussing the new girl. Then KlanBarbie says she saw in Manly’s eye’s that she almost snapped and hit her. Ambeer claims she doesn’t think manly would hit very hard. KlanBarbie points out that she looks like a man so she probably hits like one.
Then Looney turns all creepy sounding and grinning and asks, “Did either of them ever say I am going to hit you, and not actually hit you, but just threatened?” KlanBarbie doesn’t remember and asks why. Looney says it’s because “If they did, that’s assault. And it’s an arrestable charge.” First of all I am pretty sure you have to actually hit someone to assault them. Second of all she just made me flashback to GeezerBait. There is definitely some serious crazy lurking there.
If we could get them to stare at you really hard we could have them sent to GITMO.
KlanBarbie says she isn’t going to do that because she herself will probably say that sentence 800 times before she leaves there. Looney volunteers to do it and she says also that if they throw something at you and miss, that’s still considered assault. Hey dingbat, if you get drunk and think about driving your car but don’t, do you still get a D.U.I.?
Later Marsha Brady from Screaming O comes over to refill the vending machine. Ewwww! She tells the girls she has brought them some goodies and also that they are having an adult toy convention and they want the girls to come help out at their booth. Screams abound. She tells them at the end of the day she will pick 2 girls who have what it takes to be a part of the Scream Team, and they will get $250 each. AND they will also be hosting the Sex Toy Prom.
Kendra takes this opportunity to tell us that she is a proud customer of the sex toy.
Now I get it. No wonder she always looks so “relaxed”.
Oh good grief, here we go again. Batshit is on the phone with Formaldehyde or what the hell ever his name is and she is again bitching about their relationship. Seems his family hates her. WHAT? She wants him to “fix” it. She tells him if he really loved her he would understand that it’s a problem. Click.
Outside she runs crying to Manly. Manly is grouchy this morning because she jumped up and knocked her morning wood into the wall. She is not in the mood to hear this shit and tells Batshit to dump him. She tells him either stick it out or break up with him. Batshit whines and whines about how she should be happy and blah blah blahhhhhhh!
Would it be too harsh to suggest she drown herself?
Suddenly the camera jumps to this shot and for a second I think GeezerBait is baaaack!
From the Charles Manson line.
KlanBarbie says that doll looks demented. Looney says then it belongs here. The topic switches to the new girl and I wish she would show up already. KlanBarbie says if the new girl fits in with the other side then Looney should move to their room. Then she says she better not be a blonde. Oy.
Knock knock. There’s a dude at the door there to hang some art work. Manly says “How ya gonna hang me?” I would suggest a big fat rope. Batshit starts yapping about how they don’t want the new girl. Kendra tells us she hopes she isn’t a “crazy ghetto bitch.” Ambeer suggests that if they all hate her it will bond them all closer. Flashbacks! Flashbacks!
Apparently this dude had to paint the picture as well because while waiting an eternity for him to hang it the dingbats start talking. One of them suggests that they each take on another girls personality. Ambeer immediately starts yelling “I run L.A. right now!” Batshit runs over pretending to be KlanBarbie and screams “Hit me hit me hit me.” Aww see how nicely they can play when they make an effort?
Finally the unveiling.
God help her.
KlanBarbie sees that she is blonde and tells us that this girl is either going to be her new best friend or her enemy. Batshit with her giant flower head tells us that the new bitch is 8th therefore an extra. She should know her place and not cross the line. Ooooh I’ma skeerd!
Cut to a limo and the new girl. She says her personality is really outgoing and bubbly. Great. She likes to run around naked. Her name is Lexie and she is from Belleville,IL. She is 21 and they have named her The Wild Child. She tells us she comes across as ditzy and really stupid.
I see an island and an ass whooping in your future.
Back at the house the girls are waiting for her at the front door. they have decided to pretend to be one another and introduce themselves that way. When she comes in Manly greets her as LooneySpice and welcomes her to their home.
Run little girl. Ruuuuun!
Batshit intros herself as Ambeer. Ambeer is Batshit. Looney is KlanBarbie. Then we cut to Looney telling us that she looks like the quintessential sorority girl only after she gained the freshman 15. Ouch.
Manly as Looney, walks her around the house being all bubbly and irritating. I am tired of this game already. Manly tells her she doesn’t like smokers or litterers. Ambeer acting as Batshit tells her that she runs L.A. and if you act up you will stand in the corner. Boring boring boring.
When Batshit points out Portia’s picture she asks her what she thinks of her. Lexie says “I think you are cuter.” This annoys Batshit for reasons I can only imagine. Like she’s a bitch and insane. Then the questions begin. Why are you a Bad Girl? Have you ever been in trouble with the law? Stupid shit like that. Lexie tells us that she can tell Batshit is not the nice one. Finally they all fess up and introduce themselves properly.
Later out by the pool, they are still questioning her. She says she thinks fighting is trashy but she will defend herself if need be. Boy are you in the wrong house. As the bonding continues, Lexie asks about everyone’s boyfriend/girlfriend. Kendra points out that Manly is bi-sexual. Manly tells her she better watch out.
I wasn’t kidding. Run.
Later upstairs, Batshit tells Kendra that Lexie is ugly and she looks like a pig. That’s pretty funny coming from a giraffe face. Then she tells us that Lexie is fat, a dumb blonde and the least of her worries in this house. Funny she doesn’t say that to her face when she walks in. Instead she asks her if she likes bacon. Lexie doesn’t pick up on it and says no she likes ham. Batshit keeps it up by saying “You mean straight ham, like from a pig?” No bitch she means from a turtle. Hate.
They ask her if she cooks and she says she loves to cook. Smartass says she wants her to make her a ham. Lexie says she’ll fix her a friggin’ Christmas dinner. Then she tells the twits she can’t wait to make this a different kind of house.
I am so afraid for this child.
Oh sheesh, we are back to Batshit bitching about her boyfriend. Blah blah family hates me, I can do better, wah wah wah. Shut up.
Out at the pool Lexie is holding court. She says she is the one her friends go to when they want to laugh and also that they will be seeing her naked. A lot. Manly is thrilled to hear this. Lexie gets up and starts shaking her ass and then proceeds to give everyone a lap dance.
Never mind, maybe I should be afraid for the rest of them.
How much ya wanna bet Ambeer wakes up to Manly sniffing her foot later?
Yeah I know, that was gross. Sorry. Oh crap she’s making them all like each other. Manly and KlanBarbie each talk at the same time about how even though they fight they have each other’s backs and blah blah bullshit. As Manly bear hugs KlanBarbie she tells her about “Malibu” as she calls KlanBarbie “getting all wild” on her. It made her have respect for her when KlanBarbie stood up to her.
Kendra likes this new girl. She says every body thinks too damn much in this house and they need someone who acts before they think.
While Ambeer and Lexie get in the pool, KlanBarbie, Manly and Kendra count how many times Lexie says “like”. Then this happens.
Well at least they aren’t fighting.
Then Lexie announces that in honor of her first night there, she shall be naked.
Oh look, a full moon.
Manly is about to have to go whack it.
I’m hearing Jaws music again.
The next day Lexie tells her friend on the phone that she likes all her house mates. She tells us she connects with each one in totally different ways. They crack her up. Give it time.
Speaking of cracks, Batshit brings up to Lexie that she missed seeing her naked last night. Lexie says don’t worry she’ll see it again. And then it’s time for the sex toy convention. Looney tells us she is really excited and wants to see how dirty and raunchy these girls get.
They are greeted by the Marsha Brady lady with their credentials to get into the show and then they go upstairs to change into their outfits.
The Screaming O Girls Club.
Marsha tells them the most important thing about being a Screaming O girl is to be positive and so overly cheerful you want to hit her with an axe. Or something like that. She tells them to sell the product. Looney tells us she has a sales background and can sell anything.
Time to pick the 2 girls who will help host a party that Marsha calls The Sex Toy Prom. I remember my prom. I should have stayed home with a sex toy. This guy announces they are going to have a contest. The contest is to fake an orgasm. I have no comment on that.
This guy and sex should never be in the same sentence.
Kendra is up first. She really gets into it in a valley girl sounding kind of way. Batshit looks and sounds ridiculous. Although to be fair, it’s kinda hard not to sound ridiculous when faking…….when making those noises.
Looks more like she’s faking constipation.
Batshit tells us she is a competitor and she has this in the bag. She needs a bag. Looney is next and she does a……cheer? Yep a cheer. As in cheerleader. Lexie is next iand for someone who runs around naked, it’s kinda lame. They only show those three thankfully because my Mom is in the next room and she thinks I am watching girl porn.
And the winners are…..Batshit & Lexie. Huh? Manly looks shocked and tells us that Looney put her heart and soul into it and she should have won. Get over it Butch.
Man school has changed.
Batshit and Lexie change into cheerleader outfits and come bouncing out saying “Go us.” While the other girls are on their way in they walk past that dude from the Bunny Ranch. Don’t act like you don’t know who I mean. Manly warns them not to look at him.
Onstage Batshit and Lexie are doing their “Go us” routine and in the audience KlanBarbie is not happy. She says they are acting like best friends now and think they are better than them. Meow!
Best Friends Forever!
Kendra tells us that they look cute in their outfits and that Lexie is a crazy white girl. KlanBarbie meanwhile is still running her mouth about how she is all for attention as long as it is positive. Hahahahahahahaa! Bitch you are on a show called the Bad Girls Club!!!! Manly agrees and says she would never wear that outfit! Of course not, her dick would fall out. KlanBarbie says that everyone is laughing at them and she thinks Batshit is too good for this.
Back at home the girls are eating and discussing the night. Manly says she’s glad they went because after everything she saw tonight she isn’t going to think about sex for a long time. KlanBarbie agrees. They say it’s like sex overload. Sex on steroids. Ok sheesh we get it! Lexie says she was horny at the event but now not so much. Oh gross. Batshit announces she hasn’t used a dildo in 3 weeks so they better be prepared to hear some noises.
Thanks for sharing. I have to go puke now.
Later Batshit is on the phone with Gabe. They are going to meet them at a club. She explains to us that he is from the Boston Celtics and he invited her to a party. They all get ready and head out. In the limo Batshit says that Gabe accuses her of playing games with him because he’s been trying to have sex with her since freshman year. Then she starts ranting/laughing and calling out her boyfriend’s name and asking why he can’t get it together. She says she’s gonna get into trouble.
Then we see this.
He asks her if he will be sleeping with her tonight. She tells him they will have to go under the covers. He tells her that he will be staying with her then.
Manly has noticed the attraction. She’s very astute that one.
Man how drunk is this dude?
Batshit tells us that she and Formaldehyde are having a lot of trouble and that since she doesn’t like dildos it’s time for her to become a real Bad Girl. Back to house we go. Manly is teasing Batshit and saying “You’re gonna do something naughty.” Batshit denies this. Gabe shows up and upstairs they go. Where Looney is sleeping. Gabe wakes her up and she is not happy at all. She snatches all her covers off the bed and goes to another room. Gabe apologizes but Looney is pissed. She tells us that she left because she doesn’t want to hear Batshit “woo hooing”.
Batshit and Gabe climb into bed while downstairs KlanBarbie is telling Ambeer that Batshit is a bitch and that she has a boyfriend and you will never see her cheat on him. She also says that if Batshit cheats on Formaldehyde she will be punished. “If not here, sometime.” She then says he must be an idiot to be dealing with her. Ambeer says “He’s a Sesame Streeter.” LOL.
KlanBarbie tells us that Batshit is just a groupie and she doesn’t care who you are as long as you are famous to somebody’s mother’s cousin’s uncle.
Upstairs Gabe and Batshit go undercover and lots of giggling is heard. Batshit tells us “All you single girls, tell your boyfriends to put a ring on your finger because until then you are single, you are sexy, live your life.
You better hope he put a condom on it.
And that’s how they leave us. Did they do it? Do you think Formaldehyde will give a shit?
See you next week sweeties!
Love and smooches!