Bad Girls Club 3 : I’M NOT GAY!

This week on The Bad Girls Club….. Sarah is having a trauma. Ailea is having a dude trauma. There’s fighting and drinking and stripping and puking. Kayla questions her sexuality and Whitney is NOT GAY! Let me get my rubber gloves and disinfectant and we can get started!
Lets start with Sarah’s trauma. No not the “I can’t find my bra” trauma. She seems to be unaware of that one. No she is upset because, it seems where she’s from she is surrounded by hideously ugly people and she is the only hot girl around. For miles. But not so here in sunny California. Here it is a finable offense to be fug. She doesn’t like it. She wants to be a beautiful fish in a small ugly pond. Not an average fish in a big beautiful pond. What.Ever. I hope the bitch drowns. By the way Milwaukee, she’s talking about you.

I don’t want to be average!

After dabbing my eyes for poor Sarah I am again able to move forward with the show. Sometimes life can be so hard ya know. That poor girl. Wait, I need another minute. Ok, moving on we have Ailea, Kayla, and Whitney. Ailea has received an email from “Kevin”. Who the hell ever that is. Oh it’s a guy she “met” and is/was/maybe in like with sort of. She thinks. She reads aloud a sappy email and Kayla says “He sounds so understanding. That’s scary”. Haha that is one messed up girl. But I kinda see her point. In a jaded and cynical sort of way that is totally out of character for me.

Girl, he sounds nice. I don’t like him.

The phone rings and Ailea and Kayla race to answer and its Kevin! Ailea gets all girly and starts playing with her 3 foot long socks and giggling. She tells Kevin she is bored and he not so subtly tries to invite himself over. Ailea giggles some more and just keeps repeating “Yeah I should have invited you over”. But she doesn’t. She tells us that if she did and he came over, that would make it “official”. Honey it ain’t even official nowadays with a pastor and a prenup. Ask my ex husband. So just meeting the guy would probably be ok. Unless he’s a serial killer. Damn, that would make an awesome episode.

Upstairs the two Ambers are trying to decide what Amber Midget should wear to her friends wedding back home in Minnesota. She will be flying home and returning in a couple of days. Amber B. graciously offers Midget a dress of hers. She tells Midget that she is sure it will look great on her because she herself looks fabulous in it. Then she says “Well what doesn’t look good on me?” Uhh a close up? Bitch has more pimples than Danny Bonaduce’s sweaty ass. Ask flipit.

Actual photo of Danny’s ass.

Later the girls are getting all purtied up to go out and talking about guys. Kayla says she doesn’t like nice guys. She says she pushes them away and she knows she needs to stop it but that guys are assholes and losers. Amber B. says she’ll find Kayla a nice guy. Kayla says he needs to be hot prompting Amber B. to ask the question “Would you rather be hot or smart?” She answers herself with “I’d rather be super hot and dumber than a box of rocks”. Midget tells her she’s halfway there. Not quite, the box of rocks are smarter and hotter.

Thats right. I said it.

As Midget’s getting ready she suddenly raises her arms and asks Amber to sniff her. And Amber leans in and sniffs her arm pits. Midget wants to be sure she doesn’t stink. Most of us accomplish this by bathing. Apparently not a priority for her as Amber tells her the left one smells.

This side smells like cheese.

Midget catches her plane and the others go to a club. Everyone is dancing and drinking. Sarah tells us she is looking good and she is ready to meet the man of her dreams. She then tells us that a guy comes in that she thinks is cute so she leans over and tells Amber. Dumbass. You never, ever tell another skank you find a guy attractive. It never ends well. But I am sure nothing bad will happen here. For future reference just picture me rolling my eyes at the end of most every sentence. So Sarah goes up to the guy and tries to have a conversation with him. But as she tells us she is not used to having to do any actual talking. Guys usually come to her. She turns her back for a second and we see this.

Sarah sees them and then tells us that she can’t believe that Amber would do that to her after she specifically told the bitch she liked him. Yeah, I am shocked. Who could have seen that coming? Double dumbass. So as Amber keeps hanging all over Sarah’s dude, Sarah is getting more and more pissed off.

I am not gay.

It looks like Whitney and Sarah are about to make out but then Sarah yells “Hey!” and throws the piece of ice at Amber. And then she does this.

Amber is all confused as to what just happened and wants to explain herself. She follows Sarah over to the table where Sarah is telling Ailea and Tiffany all about Amber’s ho-antics. Sarah doesn’t want to hear from Amber and repeats that she is dead to her.

I was keeping him warm for you!

Amber tells her that she was talking about her to the guy the whole time. She was trying to hook her up with him. You know, because Sarah’s so pathetic she can’t get her own dude. Sarah doesn’t want to hear it. Amber tells us that she was talking about Sarah the whole time, she thinks. She’s not sure because she was drunk. Which might explain this little dance move.

Duck lips are so sexy.

Outside Amber and Sarah make up and get all “Oh girl I would never cock block you”. “Well I just don’t know you all that well”. Blahblahblah and they hug and promise to love each other forever and ever! Sarah tells us that she feels like an asshole for assuming Amber was “man blocking” her. You will feel like a bigger asshole when she starts sleeping with your next boyfriend. Twit.

Back at the house Sarah is telling Amber that she has been screwed over so many times that its hard for her to open up. She says one of her boyfriends cheated on her. She went into his email and found a folder labeled “personal”. LOL oh man. Guys, do I have to tell you how to do everything? You should have labeled that folder “Math” and she’d still be hopelessly unaware. Well she is unaware, just not unaware that you are a pervert. Sarah continues saying she found messages from some girl and so this alerted her to the fact that she should check his hard drive. She says she found pictures of a girl with her vagina hanging out. Yikes that had to hurt. She says she tried to work it out with him but the other girls vagina kept getting in the way.

I hate when my vag falls out.

Perv boy also had listed his likes and dislikes. Well he didn’t have any dislikes but he did say he enjoyed fisting and threesomes. Amber asks her if she ever did any of that with him and she says hell no. Nobody’s gonna stick their fist in my vagina! See there are those standards of hers again. Her Mom must be super proud.

Later Whitney, Kayla, and Tiff are in the car. They are discussing the awfulness of being single. Kayla says back in school she once mistook a girl for a guy. Hey who hasn’t? Her friends informed her she might be “low key”. That maybe she might be bisexual. She grins and says no she loves dudes and Whitney takes this opportunity to inform everyone that she is “straight as an arrow”. Kayla laughs and says “Are you calling me gay? I am not gay”. Whitney tells us that she is the most “conservative” one in the house. She adds “if you are bisexual, great. DON’T TOUCH ME!” Methinks she doth protest too much. Thats my fancy way of saying I think she wants to vag out.

Back at home the phone rings. Amber answers and its none other than Kevin. The mysterious dude/friend of Ailea’s. He asks where they will be tonight and says he’ll show up. They will be at a club of course. I cannot wait to see this dude.

Have I mentioned I hate this phone?

So the girls are getting ready and talking about Kevin. Ailea says she isn’t used to a guy really wanting to hang out with her. That its usually the other way around. Can this girls self esteem be any lower. She’s making me feel sorry for her again and I don’t like it! She met him about 5 months ago and she isn’t ready to commit although she thinks he is. While Sarah is on the floor applying a gallon of concealer, the girls decide that all girls are like they are, they are just honest about it. Honest skanks, how refreshing!

I guess the honesty doesn’t extend to those bags.

A little later the girls go out to eat. And they are behaving. They start discussing Kevin. I’m getting tired of Kevin and I haven’t even seen his ass yet. Ailea says she met him online at one of those online dating places. Oh wait Amber has smelled fresh meat. And I don’t mean the chicken wings. She’s off to sniff the dude in the corner.

Sarah tells us that Amber is so outgoing and able to just walk up to a guy and talk. If by outgoing she means slut, I agree. Sarah says its hard for her though because she’s never had to chat up a guy before. Oh damn, where’d I put my tissues? Amber then tells us that she needs attention from guys and she needs to hear “we love you” constantly or she just doesn’t feel good about herself. When did it become natural to brag about having low self esteem? Don’t these girls watch Oprah?

Amber makes plans with the stubby faced dude and the girls get ready to leave. Sometimes Sarah is cute and sometimes she really should rethink her fashion choices.

A fashion Oh hell no!

Oustside the girls go and suddenly I hear a high pitched squeal. And then it happens. Someone shouts “Is that Kevin?” It is indeed.

How sweet!

Ailea tells us she wasn’t expecting him and she’s so excited. Its good to see her smiling and happy. And the way they are hugging is so cute….and…adora…..holy……ick on a stick! No no no! Please tell me her Dad’s name is Kevin?

Coming up on Dateline..

Dude, that is just wrong! And it can’t be her Dad because no one would kiss their Dad like that. How freakin old is this guy? Amber tells us that “When I see Ailea and Kevin, it makes me sick to my stomach. And when they hug and kiss, I throw up in my mouth”.

Me too.

In between shots of Ailea and Gramps hugging and kissing Sarah tells us that she was surprised by his gray hair. Amber says he would be a good older guy for her Mom. Amber says “Can you imagine waking up to wrinkles?” and she makes yet another face.

You better hope it don’t stick like that.

Amber tells us that seeing those two together reminds her of her and her Dad and its disgusting. Ok. Seeing a young girl kiss an old dude makes you think of you and your Dad? That explains so much.
Just in case you didn’t get a close enough look at Ailea’s boyfriend…

Anyone got any Metamucil?

Back at the house the girls are looking at online dating sites. Ailea says that the girls made fun of her for meeting Kevin that way but now they were all interested in it. Yeah after seeing Gramps they saw what they were missing.

Later the phone rings and its Whitney’s brother. Her 16 year old brother. Kayla comes in and chats with the little guy for a few seconds.

Whitney tells her brother Devin that everyone calls her Boston in the house, so from now on she will be called Boston. Whitney never looked right on her anyway. So Kayla flirts with Devin a little and Boston tells her he’s sixteen and to back off. But she’s laughing. Kayla tells Devin that she’s the crazy black girl with curly hair in the house. She also loves their accent. I am glad someone does.

Upstairs in the tub sit Ailea and Tiff. They are talking about older men. Tiff says she isn’t concerned about Ailea’s part in the relationship but she does question Kevins motives. Seriously people, why is this girl here? How can she be this normal and level headed?

Phone rings again and its for Amber. Sarah gets a shitty look on her face. A jealous shitty look. Amber goes to talk to Greg, the stubby faced dude from the club, and asks him to come over. And to bring friends. He claims all his friends are out of town. That means he doesn’t have any. He says he’ll come over later and he’ll try and bring a friend. When Amber goes back out to the smoking area, she says “Ha ha I got a boy and you guys don’t!” Sarah does this.

La la la la la la la la!

Amber says “Whatever I said I am sorry. I don’t know what I said”. Sarah says she doesn’t want to talk and says she’s going to bed. Amber follows her and says “This is not how you handle problems”. Sarah again says she doesn’t want to talk and Amber continues with “Why are you being childish? Are you mad that you don’t have a guy coming over?” Sarah lays down with her back to Amber and she’s wearing a sleep mask. So Amber takes the sleep mask off her face. Sarah tells her “Do not touch me!”

Peek-a-boo bitch!

Amber keeps pressing her to talk about whats wrong. Sarah tells us “This scrawny bitch stalks her little chicken legs into my room talking about what’s wrong, tell me whats wrong I want to know.” Sarah says she’s about to flip out and punch her in the face. I was about to take Amber’s side in this because it seems like Sarah is just jealous but then Amber says “What did some guy say he wasn’t interested in you and so now you are taking it out on me?” Sarah tells her to just keep it up and so Amber does. She says “You insulted me. You got in my face at the club and I gave you the satisfaction of helping you and going to get some guy when he told me he wanted me to pay him $30 just to fuckin talk to you.”

Are you mad because you’re ugly and I am not?

Oh yeah she’d be getting a fist up her nose about now. Amber continues with “So take that bitch! He didn’t want to talk to you. I’ll be back and I’ll make your life a miserable hell until you tell me what the fuck is wrong. You’re being a jealous bitch is what you are doing”.

Why didn’t you pay him the $30?

Finally Sarah tells Amber that she’s pissed because she had just told her of her great trauma. You know the one where she’s just average and not beautiful? And she says Amber turned it around and threw it in her face. She says “You get one phone call from a boy and you are all “Sarah you are just jealous”. Amber leaves and Sarah tells us that “She is dead to me. Fuck me once shame on you. Fuck me twice and yay! I mean she says shame on me. And she says Amber will not fuck her twice.

Greg comes over and Amber says she doesn’t want to introduce him to the other girls because she just got into a fight with one of the other girls. He gets excited at the thought of a girl fight but tries to stay cool. They decide to play pool. Amber makes the mistake of almost hitting the wrong ball and stubby face gets a tude.

Don’t touch my balls bitch!

Amber can’t believe he is that touchy about playing pool. He says that when he plays he plays to win. They can chit chat when its over. By the way, he sucks at pool. This prompts Amber to get all nostalgic for Scott. She says Greg reminds her of Scott because he’s got a mean sense of humor and he’s not nice to other people. And she likes that. Mean guys turn her on. There are psychiatrists drooling all over the world tonight.

He called me a skanky bitch. I’m in love!

Later the girls are going out. All except for Sarah and Tiff who has a fever. She’s all wrapped up in a blanket. Ailea says that Kevin will meet them at the club. Oh yay. I haven’t seen nearly enough of Gramps. Ugh.

The girls leave and Sarah offers to make poor Tiff some chicken soup. Tiff is just curled up in a heap on the stairs.

At the club Gramps is buying the girls drinks. Lots of them. Amber tells us that having him around is useful.That if they ever go to a steakhouse he can cut her meat into tiny little pieces for her just like her daddy would. Haha good one. Ailea tells the girls that “Kevin said all my girls are very beautiful.” Yeah nothing creepy about that at all.

Kayla and Boston are dancing and Kayla tells her she shouldn’t dance so close to her because people will think she likes girls. Boston just smiles. Ailea says she is really happy with her relationship with Kevin right now. He offers her another drink.

Can you help me find my puppy?

The girls finally leave old Kevin and on the way home in the limo things get a little heated. And by heated I mean Boston has a shit fit. It starts with Kayla saying she doesn’t like men. She likes girls. She tells Boston she better watch it when she’s in bed. Boston says “I am not a homosexual.” Kayla keeps going and suggests that if she tongue kissed her Boston would like it. All the girls are laughing. Except Boston. Kayla starts making kissing sounds and touching Boston’s legs. Boston starts yelling for Kayla to back up and stop touching her.

No one seems to notice when Boston goes from irritated to batshit crazy. Amber says “Show us your tits Boston. Show us your cooch. Is it pink like your brothers penis?” Thats when the shit hit the fan.

I’ll kill all of yoos!

Boston tells them “If ya talk about my brutha I’ll punch ya in the face.” Kayla tells her that she’s hot and sexy and that her brother is probably as hot as she is. Boston is trying to hit them with her shoe and says she’s really getting pissed. She tells them to back up. Kayla and the others were still laughing until they see the crazy all over Boston’s face. Kayla says “Why are you so mad?’ Boston says “Because you guys are talking about my brutha”. Boston tells us that Kayla goes too far and needs to back the fuck up. Kayla tells her she’s tripping. That everyone was kidding and basically to calm down you crazy bitch. Boston demands an apology and Kayla does this.

You trippin!

The others say they are sorry but Kayla says “Hell no, cause you know I am playing”. Boston tells her to say sorry or there’s gonna be a problem. The only problem for me would be where to dump her ass out at. Finally Kayla says “My bad, my fault whatever.”

Boston tells us that where she’s from “you say you are sorry when you have disrespected someone to the point of no fucking return.” Where I am from you’d be in a padded cell nutbag.
She goes into the smoking area to tell Tiff what happened and she says she needs for Kayla to say she is sorry. Jesus shut up already. What the fuck is she a mob boss? Poor Tiff looks like she could fall over at any second.

Kayla is in the kitchen saying how pissed she is. That she could be at home and deal with this negative bullshit. Boston comes tearing into the room like a demon on crack. Yelling about apologies and what the fuck ever pops into her retarded little mind. They both start screaming “what” over and over and hitting the counter. Kayla decides to decorate the kitchen and slings some shit at Boston.

Boston throws some shit back. Bitch this and bitch that. I don’t give a fuck. I will protect my family. On and on. Poor sick Tiff gets in between them to try and stop them from hitting each other. I say let them fight. Boston needs a good ass kicking. Ailea is trying to hold Boston back while Tiff is in between them. Boston keeps screaming for Kayla to hit her and then tells her to apologize. Kayla screams at her that she already apologized and she’s not going to do it again.

More slinging and throwing of shit and now Tiff is being knocked around. Ailea is physically dragging Boston backwards. Tiff tells us that she is just trying to keep them from hitting each other so she can go back to bed. Then she gets this look on her face.

Ruh roh

Raaaaaaaaaaaaaaaalph!

Yep. She pukes in the kitchen sink. Kayla stops throwing shit long enough to yell at Tiff to go to bed. But do you think someone puking stops this bitchfest? Nope. They go at it again. And Tiff is still in the middle. I am sorry but I would have hurled all over both of them. Bet they’d calm their crazy asses down then. Boston is still demanding an apology and Kayla is still telling her to fuck off. Boston tells her she’s the only one who has had her back and Kayla says “I don’t give a fuck bitch. Amber and Sarah are so traumatized, Sarah can barely eat.

Apparently someone puking makes Sarah get the munchies.

The idiots finally seperate and Kayla stomps out. Boston tells Amber that she’s not comfortable with anyone touching her. Especially a girl. And that Kayla still hasn’t apologized to her.She also says she cannot be in the same house as Kayla. Amber says she doesn’t blame her. Shut up Amber. Boston says she needs for Kayla to leave the house. I need some aspirin. Her voice makes my ears hurt.

Midget calls in from the wedding she’s attending. Tiff tells her about all the drama she has missed. Tiff says she thinks someone may be going home. Suddenly Boston stomps through the house announcing that they need to get downstairs for a house meeting. Boston tells us that she’s not going to put up with this bullshit. That either she and Kayla are going to be fueding or they are going to make a mince meat. Huh? What the hell does mince meat pie have to do with anything. Besides being gross. Oh wait. She said it again. She said “Me making amends meet after you have disrespected me to that point, fuck you!”. Its official. She’s retarded. What the hell does amends meet mean? Who talks like that?

I wanna make a mince meat.

At the house meeting Boston keeps beating the dead horse that is an apology. Kayla tells her she has nothing to say. Except that Boston is “off”. No, when Britney shaved her head, that was off. Boston is certifiably, straight jacket bound insane. Kayla tells her that everybody was kidding and Boston loses her shit again and threatens to “fucking fly off the chain right now!” I wish someone would tie a chain around her throat. Psycho. She starts yapping about how they do things in Boston and blah blah blah. Hey nutjob, Boston called. They have moved and left no forwarding address. Idiot. More back and forth. Finally the voice of reason that is Tiff tells them they need to drop it. Kayla saying “my bad” was her apology. Finally Boston says that if saying “my bad” was her way of apologizing then ok. They are cool. She said it three hours ago dipshit! Hate.Her.

Kayla tells us that Boston is trying to “compromise my position” of being the biggest bitch in the house. She says its not going to happen because she will still be the biggest bitch in the house. I don’t know Kayla. Boston may just have passed you on the bitch scale.

So after all that they decide they are all “good”. Just in time for Midget’s return. Midget tells us that she isn’t surprised the girls fought because she “lives in a house of crazy people.”
Oh gross Gramps is downstairs. And he laughs and snorts causing Ailea to giggle and snort. Barf. Tiff tells us that she completely understands why Ailea likes Kevin. Because they both snort. She says they are like two nerds put in one basket. Yeah if by two nerds you mean a young girl and a gross old man. And by basket you mean Pedophile Monthly.

Ailea is sitting in Gramps lap and Sarah asks him what his intentions are. He says his intentions are honorable. Then Boston and Sarah grill him. How many kids do you have. None. How many times have you been married? Never. Uh huh. He’s 140 and he’s never been married and has no kids? Somebody better check the crawl space under his house.

Tell Pedophile Santa what ya want for Christmas.

Ailea tells us she realizes Kevin likes her for her and she’s really happy and has a huge smile on her face. Sorry but that is gross. He leaves and we go outside to find the Amber’s catching up. Amber B. tells Midget that Sarah has been desperately trying to find a man and how she got jealous. Inside Ailea and Sarah are saying they don’t like the Ambers. Sarah says she is going to act nice to her but that in a few weeks she will do something bad to her. She says it is so bad she can’t even think of right now. She says she keeps her friends close and her enemies closer. She needs to keep a bra close cause those boobs are about to hit the floor.

The girls are once again spackling their faces. This time they are going to a strip club for amateur night to try to win some money to help Kayla pay off her debts. When I hear the word “amateur” I think of real people. And there are lots of real ugly people out there. I don’t want to see real people strip. Only the fake pretty people please. Anyway this is what Kayla decides to wear.

And afterwards we can catch our own dinner in the bay.

Kayla tells us that she has stripped in the past but she doesn’t like it. She needs the money though so she going to do it. Boston says she thinks that strip clubs are dirty and nasty. So are you, what’s your point? Sarah tells her its not that bad. Boston says if some girl even rubs up on her she’s going to punch her in the face. That’s it. That girl is definately a lesbo.
Kayla prepares for the night by drinking an alcoholic beverage.

One or two won’t hurt.

In the limo Kayla keeps saying how nervous she is. Sarah tells her that if she is too nervous she will strip for her and the money will become “house money”. And Kayla drinks some more. At the club, Midget is trying to get some of the other strippers to show her how to strip.And she announces that she’s wearing a tampon. These girls are nothing if not classy.
And Kayla has a couple more drinks.

Just a couple more won’t hurt.

Sarah starts giving Miss I AM NOT GAY! a lap dance.

Still not gay.

Suddenly Kayla starts stripping off her clothes. The contest hasn’t started yet. And she is not on a stage. Midget tries to explain this to her. But she is plastered. I mean drunk off her skinny little ass. So drunk that gets completely naked out in the open.

I have boobies!

Midget tries to tell Kayla she needs to save it for the contest but Tiff realizes she is too far gone and takes her to the back.

It’s a draft up in here y’all.

Realizing that Kayla will have to be replaced in the contest Sarah selflessly offers herself up. Meanwhile they are still trying to get Kayla to put her drawers back on. Midget is on the floor trying to pull them up.

OMG I think it growled at me!

Sarah tells us that Kayla is too drunk to even know where she is. She also says she’s always naked anyway so why not make some money at it?

It’s for charity y’all!

Sarah tells us that people are yelling how hot she is and she feels like a rock star. She says for the first time in a long time she feels that maybe her body isn’t so bad after all. Ah, the magic of the pole. Brings back memories. Ok it was last week. Anyway suddenly Boston comes running out and waving her arms at the girls to come back stage. Kayla it seems is not doing well. At all. She’s sprawled out on the floor in front of the toilet.

Alcohol poisoning anyone?

Ailea is trying to get Kayla to wake up. She’s slapping her in the face and calling her name.
Announcer guy tells the clubbers that contestant one is missing in action and is with the porcelain toilet. He says tied for second is some skank and the #1 stripper skank is Sarah! Yay she won. Now she can get a boyfriend. And then Amber can sleep with him.

I won! Now I will have lots of boyfriends!

Back to the toilet. Kayla is puking and moaning and Tiff is afraid. She wants to take her to the hospital. We see an ambulance and then Kayla says “They are taking me to an insane asylum. The car she gets out of isn’t an ambulance though. Ok editors get your shit together. Then she’s in a wheelchair crying and saying that they are trying to make her feel crazy and that she already knows she’s crazy. Tiff tells her it’s a hospital and Kayla begs her not to leave her alone. She is then wheeled into the hospital.

Previews say Bad Girls Club will be back in three weeks. Good maybe I’ll have recovered from this episode by then.

Happy Holidays to you all! See you guys next year!