It’s time for the reunion show y’all! As usual it is being hosted by Perez Hilton, who by the way is starting to look like a cockatoo with that hair. So for future reference I shall be calling him Cockatop. Let’s go see what craziness Cockatop can bring out on the Bad Girls Club Reunion!
Oh and Bobby Trendy called, he thinks it was tacky of you to steal Anna Nicole’s sheets to make that hideous suit.
Of course the show starts off with Cockatop proclaiming himself the queen of all media and the internets most notorious gossip columnist. He goes on to say that he’s no stranger to drama but that these 8 bitches are some of the craziest he’s ever seen. He lies. Most of them were broing as hell compared to seasons gone by, but I digress.
Out comes Ambeer, Kendra, Looney and Lexie. And there is something seriously different about Ambeer. And it’s not just her hair color.
Man, talk about a beer belly!
Oh oops, my mistake. Ambeer is 18 weeks preggers! She doesn’t say who the daddy is but I’m betting on Lil Snoop.
Cockatop continues to yap about this season having more hair pulling, balloon throwing zzzzzzzz………until finally he decides to take a trip down memory lane. Starting with how Lexie, Ambeer and Kendra ditched Looney and went on a car trip all alone.
They show the 3 girls in the car dogging Looney because she isn’t any fun and she just acts like their Mom and makes them feel uncomfortable. Their first stop was Vegas where Kendra got a little freaky.
Looney would definitely not approve.
Next the girls are off to Show Me’s where Lexie works and then they show the girls bonding and talking about loving each other forever and ever and blah blah blah. I mean awwwwwwwwwwww. Seriously though, can we get to the crazy shit please?
Cockatop asks Looney how that made her feel and she says it was their time and it just meant that she got to go back to her friends faster. Cockatop calls bullshit on that answer and so do I. Ambeer explains that they just wanted to have fun without being judged and then Lexie says that they just never clicked with Looney. Cockatop reminds Lexie that Looney flat out called her stupid on the show. Lexie admits that she did act stupid as a defense.
Pull my finger!
Cockatop gets all Dr. Phil on us and tells Kendra that the reason he liked her was because she was always defending the other girls. Ok. Then he jumps subjects to how before Looney became the target they all bonded together against a common enema, I mean enemy. That would be BirdBeakBarbie. Cockatop asks Looney if she’s spoken to BBB or seen her since the show. That would a no. Here she comes!
Looks like Dolly Pardon had a yard sale.
Cockatop hugs and then tells her she looks really pretty in person because on tv he thought she was really ugly. Ha! He then says that watching Looney and BBB try to destroy each other was more fun than a bag of dildos. Then proclaims he loves a bag of dildos.
In fact I have three up my ass right now.
Down memory lane we go again with BBB pouring drinks on Looney’s head at a club and then the famous sucker punch at the house. That of course led to BBB attempting to pull the same trick twice, this time on Ambeer who say that shit coming and promptly starting a full on brawl of the weaves. Poor Lexie didn’t even remember being in the fight.
Cockatop asks BBB what the hell was up with that sucker punch and she starts blabbing about mental abuse and wah wah my daddy didn’t love me crap and claims she just snapped. All the while she’s making excuses for her chicken shit behavior Kendra is making this face.
Cockatop calls Looney out on doing her best to drive BBB out of the house and asks her if she thinks it back fired on her since she got hit. She says no. She’d gladly take the punch to get BBB out of the house.
Ambeer tells everyone that she used to think Looney was the weakest person in the house but after the sucker punch episode she thinks BBB is. BBB fires back that she was NOT the weakest and then for some reason Looney tries to give BBB an out and say she didn’t think she really wanted to hurt her, she just had built up frustrations. BBB clears up that retarded statement by saying that she hit her because she just really really didn’t like her.
Cockatop asks Looney if she’s still pressing charges and she replies that yes indeedy she is. It’s all set. BBB then whines about how she wasn’t even trying to hurt Looney, she was just trying to prove a point. Then write a letter you cunt. It hurts less and you usually don’t get arrested for it. Dumbass. BBB tries to turn it around on Looney and says that if she had a problem with her she should have said it to her face. Pot meet kettle.
Cockatop asks Kendra why she thought the police shouldn’t have been called and she mumbles some shit about the cops seeing the BGC sign and blah blah blah and what the fuck ever. BBB mistakes this explanation for Kendra defending her and Kendra sets her straight right quick.
Cockatop asks BBB if she wishes she had hit Ambeer first and Ambeer jumps in and says she does because then Looney never would have been hit. BBB tries to save face by saying that Looney just stood there like an idiot when she got hit and she didn’t fight back. That might have been because as soon as you hit her you ran like a bitch. She then says at least if she fought back it would have been more entertaining for everyone. And the she said “Peace out.” Please go away.
Ugh, Cockatop gives BBB kudos for going out with a bang then says he hopes she has a good lawyer.
Here comes Batshit! At least now maybe this shit won’t be so boring. Love her or hate her at least she is entertaining. After bantering back and forth about where she should sit, Cockatop pulls out a super soaker and warns the girls that if anyone gets out of line he will use it. He better hope that thing has holy water in it. Finally they settle in and Cockatop explains that he runs L.A. and then Batshit says no she does. Back and forth until Cockatop tells her that no one even knows who she is. LOL.
I never thought I would say this but I am so happy to see her.
Cockatop continues telling her no one knows her and she says they do now and he yells to the audience “What’s her last name?” About 3 people yell out something and Cockatop says so, those were just some of your loser friends. I am starting to like him.
Here we go down memory lane again in Santa Barbara and the big fight. The fight that ended Batshits stay in the house.
Poor lil’ shrubs.
Batshit tries to explain that she did not know Kendra had been defending her to the cops at the time and blah blah blah and then she trails off into some super secret that she and Kendra have. What does this have to do with that night? No clue. But it sure does perk up Cockatop! He asks was this a lesbian thing. Batshit says no, it happened on a day that they had off. So Cockatop pulls out the big gun.
Spill it or the weave gets it.
Apparently this “big” secret was that on that free day, she and Kendra hung out with Marcus. And she says we are going to leave it at that. Cockatop says, “Pause. He’s not famous.”
Not famous, just fug.
When Cockatop asks Kendra what the secret is BBB jumps in and says “She BANGED Marcus!” Kendra is immediately screaming at her to shut the fuck up. Batshit starts yelling at BBB and asking her why she’s even speaking. BBB is yelling and I have a headache.
Once they shut up, Cockatop asks Kendra how she felt when Batshit claimed that she was her creation. Kendra said that they had a relationship they both benefited from. Cockatop asks Ambeer about the fact that she had warned Kendra about Batshit and asks her if she wants to say anything to Kendra now. Ambeer tells her that in Santa Barbara Kendra was defending her friend and Batshit was all about Batshit. And she says it backfired in her face and she basically believes it will again.
Cockatop notices that BBB is sulking. I thought she was asleep. BBB says she’s bored. Batshit asks her why she is talking. Then keeps telling her to shut up. Cockatop tells the “ladies” to practice some deep breathing but the fighting continues. Then we get to see a montage of BBB sleeping. Everywhere, all the time.
Kendra tells everyone that all BBB did was complain about needing to go to bed early and she didn’t know why since she doesn’t even have a job. BBB counters this with the fact that Kendra had a different dude over every night until 6am. That’s why she couldn’t get any sleep and also she isn’t an alcoholic and she doesn’t go out partying every night.
To break up this boring shit, and to remind everyone that she was still there Lexie says “That’s how I dealt with the house, having fun and getting naked.”
I wonder if they have a hot dog stand outside?
BBB keeps yapping about how she has a boyfriend and has no interest in hanging out with other guys. Batshit tells her to shut up no one cares about her.
Cockatop then reminds them both that they sure did spend a good deal of time together being friends while on the show. Batshit says they only hung out for a couple of weeks and it was only because BBB wanted to hang with Batshit’s D List celebrity friends. Cockatop corrects her and tells her she has Z List celebrity friends lol.
Batshit continues by saying BBB was always trying to “fanagle” her way into the hot tub of Z List celebs. BBB denies this and says she was with Paul.
Speak of the devil.
Paul and Batshit trade insults and then Batshit warns BBB that she will get spit in the face again. She then reminds BBB that she then turned around and spit in Kendra’s face. BBB claims it was because she was living with low lives and Batshit gets out of her chair and walks over to BBB and tells her she is the low life. Then we go to commercial.
When we come back Batshit is still threatening to spit in BBB’s face again and then walks over and sits back down. Paul yells something and Batshit tells him to go back to Boston. The fighting continues with BBB saying that Batshit has talked shit about everyone in the house, she has no money and she sucked dick for the money that she does have.
To this Batshit replies that she has in her possession a video of BBB fisting herself. Ok, number one, baaaaaaaaaarrrrrrrrrrrffffffffffffffffff. Number 2, see number one. At this point, Cockatop is about to have a seizure. He asks BBB is such a video exists and she says if it did it would be all over the internet. Good point.
Moving right along, Cockatop asks everyone how sick of Batshit were they by the time she left the house. Ambeer gives some lame ass excuse about kinda being used to her. Looney then tells some heartwarming story about how they connected once while napping and she was grateful for that. Cockatop tells her she is full of shit because he watched the show!!!
Seriously full of shit!
Cockatop changes the subject to BBB not only being a lazy bitch but she was smitten with her boyfriend Paul, all the while living on the down low. Y’all remember PlaymateBarbie. As Paul watches, footage of his woman and her woman are being played on screen.
Maybe they were just cold.
Probably just helping each other out with their monthly breast exams.
At the end of this montage of cheating, we see the phone call where Paul breaks up with BBB. Cockatop announces that he’s a Big Gay and he loves him some hot girl on girl action. BBB claims that it was over dramatized. Cockatop exclaims that you can’t over dramatize what you see with your own eyes! Cockatop reminds her that Paul did not want her making out with girls on the show and she says yes but she didn’t think he would break up with her over it. Then she announces they are closer than ever and are now living together.
I love thee no longer.
Cockatop asks Paul why after seeing what he saw would he take her back. Paul basically says he knew she was no princess and as long as he’s there the next time he doesn’t care if she wants to make out with girls. Oh and he doesn’t consider what BBB did cheating. Then why did you break up with her over it huh, huh, HUH?
BBB tells everyone that she now has a “promise ring” and that there will be no more mistakes and her curiosity about girls is over. Kendra thinks that’s bullshit. And she reminds BBB that she called her out for having men over when she was licking her best friend and being a cheating ho. Kendra tells her she’s fake.
Get behind me Satan!
Back to Batshit. Cockatop asks her is she’s gotten into any fights since leaving the show. She says no and BBB says it’s because their were no cameras there. This immediately pisses Batshit off who asks her why she talking and then accuses her of being obsessed with her. Batshit tells her not to smile because she looks 50 years old right now.
And then some.
The screaming back and forth goes on and on until Batshit accuses BBB of being a racist and then Cockatop tells Batshit that she too is a little racist. They then go to the famous BBB clips where she talks about not wanting to go to a sweaty black place.
Cockatop tries to give BBB a chance to defend herself but she and Batshit just keep yelling until finally Batshit gets up, walks over, and you guessed it………….
Why do I always get stuck with shows where people SPIT!
All hell breaks loose which means two big production guys come out to keep them apart and at this point I think Cockatop has forgotten he’s supposed to be hosting the show. Ambeer sneaks off I am assuming in an effort to protect Baby Snoop. Finally Cockatop realizes where he is and out comes the super soaker.
Must not be Holy water. She didn’t burst into flames.
He tells her to sit her ass down. Which she does while laughing it off. Cockatop then turns the super soaker on BBB who is not so damn thrilled. But I am.
Excuse me audience members, but does anyone happen to have a fork lift so we can raise BBB’s boobs?
When things have calmed down Cockatop wants to know what the hell got into Batshit’s small little brain that told her to attack BBB? She denies attacking her and Cockatop almost burst a vein and screamed “You spit in her fucking face!” He reminds her that she had said on the show that spitting on someone is the lowest thing you can do. She agrees that it is and that was why she did it. Bottom line she thinks BBB is a racist scum.
The arguing almost starts again until Cockatop threatens to hose them down again and he gives BBB a chance to explain whether or not she is a racist. She claims she didn’t say anything racist because she’s not racist but then apologizes for her ignorant comment. I am so done with this scag. We all know what you said so just own it and go away.
Next Cockatop turns his attention to Looney and her tampering with BBB’s food. And they show the footage. After watching BBB trying to squeeze into a corset and not quite being able to make it, Cockatop calls Looney a sneaky bitch. Everyone is laughing except BBB.
She gets all high and mighty and says she doesn’t needs pills, or diuretics to lose weight because she is the healthiest in the house and she cannot believe someone would put POISON in her food! Ok first of all the last time I checked sugar and butter are not poison and secondly, as Looney points out, when exactly was BBB gonna tell the girls about the entire jar of laxatives she put into their cookies. BBB says that was a joke. What a coinkydink, so are you.
Lexie says she knew about Looney putting things in BBB’s food but she wasn’t getting involved but she does wonder if maybe it was karma that was the reason that Looney got hit. Uhhh she got hit because BBB is a chicken shit skank. Oh and then Cockatop asks BBB how much weight she gained and she says 6 pounds lol.
She says a bunch more boring shit but I’d rather move on to Kendra. As Cockatop points out, she has some serious game. Here’s a peek of her hook ups.
That thang has got to be sore right now.
Damn! That girl is gonna need some serious vagiplasty after all these dudes!
When asked who her favorite was, she actually says Marcus.
While she’s having that vagiplasty done she needs to get eyeball replacements as well.
Time to plug Oxygen’s new show! Love Games:Bad Girls Need Love Too and it follows The Reunion show. Yours truely will be recapping and it will be starring Kendra, Midget from Season 3 and also Sarah from Season 3. They just happen to be in the audience.
Sarah and Midget
Wow Sarah really looks good. Last season I ragged on her, just a little, because most times she looked like a greasy dish rag. But after seeing the trailer just now she looks really pretty. I reserve the right to be fickle and change my mind at any given moment. Just so ya know.
Midget tells us the show is crazy and there’s lots of dick. Count me in. I can’t wait to get started on that recap. But let’s finish this one first. Cockatop switches the conversation to sex and then cuts to when Kendra had that Opie looking dude over and Lexie joined in. For some reason this annoyed Manly at the time.
Ooooh I’ma tell Aunt Bea!
Cockatop starts ragging on them about blowjobs and they all claim they don’t give them. Including Batshit. He doesn’t believe them and neither do I.
Finally the conversation turns to Manly. Ambeer says that in the begining she was cool and they all liked her but then she turned into a psycho hulk. Guess who’s coming onto the stage?
As Manly walks up I hear someone, Lexie I think, say “I’m scared.”
Watch out dude, she’ll kick your ass.
Just as she sits down, Cockatop states that she’s off her crutches and this launches Manly into saying this ain’t the Bad Girls Club, anybody says anything smart to me today, I’m knocking you the fuck out. She keeps repeating it and the audience kinda oohhhs and ahhhs. Kendra meanwhile is giving her the stink eye. This does not go unnoticed by Manly who says “Kendra, do not roll ya eyes at me.”
Manly goes on to warn her that that little slap that Kendra gave her at the house will be nothing compared to what she will do to her and tells her she will break her jaw and that pretty little face of hers will have to have reconstructive surgery. She goes on to say that she ain’t trying to be gangster. Its just that when she was in the house she cared about these girls and none of them cared about her because they are self centered ho’s.
Cockatop asks her why she left before the end and she told him “Because I didn’t want to kill nobody that’s why.” Then she announces she is bisexual and she looks like a man and punches like a man. Cockatop, who clearly has a death wish, says to Manly, “Those girls broke you down to tears until you felt you had to leave.”
Don’t make me break ya fuckin’ neck roostah head.
Manly denies the girls broke her down. She says it was the alcohol that did it. Then they show clips of the night Manly left in a hail of water balloons. As the footage is being shown I am sensing a bomb about to explode.
Manly says what they did was childish and she had tried to help the other girls in the house. As she tells us that when Batshit wanted to leave and she tried to stop her, she leans over and her hand is kinda in Batshits face. Batshit asks her why is her hand in face.
Cause I am calculating how many pokes of my finger it would take to kill yous.
The shouting starts and then BAM! Manly is all over Batshit.
Can’t say she wasn’t warned.
This is how they leave us so we’ll be sucked in to Part 2 next Tuesday night. Until then I’ll leave you with this last shot.
I hope those production dudes are wearing cups.
Until Part 2,
Love and Smooches,