Bad Girls Club: What Happens In Vegas..

This week on Bad Girls Club..the Amber’s do something lame, the Crabby Four totally over react and the new girl does crap too. Oh and they go to Vegas. Everyone got their protective gear on? Let’s go!

This week starts off with the girls all happy happy about going to Vegas. They are packing like crazy and just so happy. They are flashing between all the girls packing and getting ready and then they show Tiff, Sarah and new girl Ashley taking a break. Ashley announces that her “boyfriend” just put $2500 into her bank account. Tiff and Sarah are all “oh wow that’s great.” However I am pretty sure they are having the same reaction I am. New girl needs a smack upside the head.

I’m so fucking thrilled for you. Really.

Ashley continues to get on my nerves with “I called him and said I didn’t have any money and here’s my account number and he emailed me this morning telling me that.” Giggle giggle. Maybe it’s just me, but that’s tacky. And I realize I am saying this when these girls live in a house with a dildo vending machine and tacky kinda goes with territory. However I just found out I owe $800 in fed taxes and I ain’t feeling to happy with Miss I sucked an old mans dick and got $2500.

Sarah tells us that she’s a little jealous right now. And that Ashley seems a little materialistic and it rubs her the wrong way. I’ve never felt closer to Sarah than I do right now. Let’s hug!

As the girls are getting ready, Ashley tells them that basically this guy is her “Sugar Daddy”. Actually it was Boston who suggested that and Ashley confirmed. I was totally distracted by the fact that Boston is always “doing her hair” and it still always looks like a total mess.

Before=rats nest.

Ashley says she once asked her dirty old man guy if he wanted kids. His reply. YOU are my kid. Insert sound of vomiting here please. She also tells us that even though he’s her Sugar Daddy she doesn’t do anything with him. Oh yeah and he’s 40. Really? Because I seem to remember when Amber told her that Geezer Bait was dating a 40 year old, Miss Moneyhag laughed her ass off. Hypocrit much?

Out in the hallway Amber is trying to figure out who will be riding with who. Don’t hurt yourself dingbat. If I had to take a wild guess I would say The Crab Four in one car and you, Midget and Miss Moneyhag in the other.

Eeny meenie miney mo, catch a dingbat or a ho…

Tiff tells us that she is super excited to be going to Vegas. And I am super excited to see her smiling. That’s the Tiff I love. Then she goes and ruins it by saying she will be riding with her Fab Four and they are the “realist” in the house. And she says that’s why there’s a division in the house. Nope, there’s a division because you and your crabby ass cohorts made one.

Cut to the cars. They switch back and forth between the two. The Crab Four saying they will all share a room cause you know the others are divisive. Then over to the other three. They need a nickname too. Amber calls them The Three Muskateer’s. Amber’s a tard. I shall call them Miss Moneyhag and the Twins for now.

Back and forth they go. Crab Four saying they knew it would be the four of them in one car. Boston says “Did they actually think it would be any other way?” Wow that’s so inclusive of you. Cut to Midget saying she tried to not do the separation thing and wanted them to all mix it up but to no avail. Cut back to Sarah saying Ashley could have come in the car with them. She didn’t have to ride with Midget and Amber. Yeah cause it makes sooo much sense to have 5 people in one car and 2 in the other.

Amber actually makes a valid point by saying that they always get yelled at for spending time together but look what the others do. It’s a double standard. Shut up Amber. Sorry, force of habit.

Then Sarah tells us that the Amber’s friendship doesn’t go beyond “Oh my God we both have blonde hair!” She would much rather have meaningful relationships and she thinks she’s doing that. Really? How meaningful were the “somewhere over 40 but not more than 60″ sexual partners you said you’ve had when you appeared on Tyra?

When I say meaningful I mean I fuck a lot.

Back to Miss Moneyhag and the Twins. Amber has had a thought. No really. She says that in order to piss the other girls off, she and Midget should get married. Uh why would that piss the other girls off? It’s lame. Miss Moneyhag looks skeptical but Midget jumps right on board. Yay it would be lots of fun! Oy.

Amber says they should be married by Elvis and instead of rice they should throw gummi bears. Ok that part’s funny. Miss Moneyhag gets into the spirit of things saying they will have to kiss and that stops Amber for a full second. Then she laughs.

As the cars finally get close enough to see the bright lights of Vegas, Boston screams “Yeah..wicked excited!” Could she be a bigger stereotype? Screams all around! Yay we’re in Vegas. We are the first people on tv ever to go to Vegas. Seriously, does every reality show have to take a field trip to Vegas? Tiff tells us she always knew that someday she would click her heels and end up in Vegas and here she is. Way to dream big there Tiff. Sarah tells us that Vegas is everything she dreamed it would be. That when Boston said it was like Chucky Cheese on acid she was right. Am I the only one who doesn’t find that the least bit appealing?

Looks like they will be staying at the Palms. Yippie. They are all so excited and happy! What could possibly go wrong?

We’re gonna have a great time!

They run along the hallways until they find the room number and then…uh oh. There are only three beds. Sarah immediately calls a fucking bed. And then Boston’s sour puss is all “Ya want me ta sleep in a fucking cot. I don’t think so!”

After = Still a rats nest.

The Amber’s decide they will bunk together. After all they are getting married. They haven’t told the others that yet. Sarah says she is not sleeping on the floor. Miss Moneyhag says she doesn’t give a fuck if she is the new girl, she’s not sleeping on the floor. She already called a bed too. Hello? You people are in Vegas. Chucky Cheese’s on acid! When are you going to sleep? Miss Moneyhag says the same thing I just did but not before asking this.

I’m guessing really old rich guys.

Midget suggests they switch off. You know take turns. Then she says “Who ever brings a guy home..” but Tiff doesn’t let her finish. She says there will be no bringing guys home. She ain’t sleeping next to people fucking. Don’t blame her there. You are there for 3 days Midget. Put your dick in your pants and zip it!

Sarah comes up with a half decent idea. Put all their names in a hat and draw three. Those are the three that will take turns on the cot. The hat says Ashley, Boston and Sarah will be riding the cot one night each. Fair enough. In the next frame we see Sarah and Tiff running off to separate themselves from the others smoke and gossip. Tiff says she can tell already its going to be an irritating 4 days. That’s the spirit!
Sarah says she is not sleeping with Ashley because…

That would be a step up for you now wouldn’t it?

Oh God, it’s The Amber Show. They are discussing the wedding.

Midget then tells us that out of the two of them, she is the best in bed. Good to know. Now put your hormones away you are grossing me out!

Out in the hallway on the floor, Sarah and Tiff continue to be inclusive. If inclusive means talking shit about the others. Tiff is saying if she wasn’t so tired she would have made sure that Ashley was sleeping on that fucking cot. Believe that. And she continues, new girl doesn’t even deserve to be there in the first place. Tiff you are seriously becoming boring.

I’m too tired to be a badass right now. Maybe later.

Then Tiff tells us that she doesn’t have a problem with Ashley. At all. But she does feel at some point they will clash. Then she says “it doesn’t get any realer than this.” And she’s pointing to herself. If by “real” you mean say one thing and do another, then ok. You are just so real Tiff.

Finally the girls get ready and go do some drinking and gambling. Lots of fun all around. Then they decide to get some food at a buffet. While there, Amber tells us that this is the perfect time to propose to Midget. Oh I can’t wait. zzzzzzzzzzzzzzz She gets everyone’s attention, pulls out a box and in a bumbling idiotic way asks Midget to be her wife. With a ring pop.

Sarah laughs. Tiff says Oh my God. Geezer Bait looks confused because the ring looks like a pacifier and she needs her binky!

Midget says yes and they will be married tomorrow and have a bachelorette party tonight. Yay. Boston is understandably confused. She thought it was just a joke. It is you tard. Don’t you watch Girls Next Door recapped by the brilliant Anglophista? Holly and Bridget wanted to get married there (shocking that this is not an original idea ain’t it?) and they were DENIED! No marriage license for same sex couples.

If yoos two is lesbos, fine, don’t touch me!

The girls stomp off to gossip about the newly engaged couple. Boston mutters that she doesn’t want to be a part of it and Sarah tells her that she doesn’t have to be. Then Sarah has to explain to Boston that they aren’t gay and aren’t really getting married. It’s a joke dingbat. Oh wait, maybe they don’t have those in Boston, you know, where she’s from. Even Miss Moneyhag would rather be at the pool. They don’t want to waste their time on the Amber’s fake wedding. Here’s a thought. Tell them that. Haha it was funny but we are only here for 3 days so thanks but no thanks.

I wouldn’t go registering anywhere just yet.

And Tiff, Miss Real, lets loose on the other girls about how she doesn’t want to attend, its not funny, she doesn’t give a fuck about the Amber Show, it’s Tiff’s first time in Vegas blah blah blah. I get your point and I actually agree, but Tiff, you’d be a lot more real if you told that to them and not behind their backs.

I’m real y’all. Real two faced.

Meanwhile Midget and Amber get a clue and think maybe this didn’t go over so well. Amber thinks Tiff is mad. What’s to get mad about? Tell the Twit Twins you had a laugh but the joke is over I’d rather be drunk and gamble. End of story. Then Amber says she may have to beat Tiff up if she won’t be supportive. Oh Amber, Tiff would hurt you in ways you cannot even imagine. Then Midget tells us that the girls should be supportive of their “love”. Midget they don’t find this funny anymore. Let it go.

Then they go around telling apparently innocent people that they are getting married.

I’m…so…happy?… for you?

And this poor woman who asks if they are really “lesbeans”. And Midget just confuses the poor thing by saying “What would give you that idea?” Let the woman get back to her nickle slots for the love of polyester!

I never seen a real live lesbean before.

We’re not lesbians. We’re twits!

And this woman who was about to cut her husband’s sack off for looking just a little to long.

What the fuck are you looking at?

A little later Geezer Bait surprises me and gets into the spirit of things by buying the girls a condom veil. Sarah tells us that because the Amber’s are getting fucking married they are going to throw them a bachelorette party, and she rolls her eyes. As Geezer Bait is pinning the condoms to the veil, Midget says she will use one of them tonight with a man when she cheats on Amber. That’s ok Midget, Amber likes to be cheated on.

Tiff is now pinning condoms to the veil and Midget says “I am sorry for just throwing this out at you.” and Tiff snaps back “I don’t even care anymore.” Then Tiff tells us she’s just trying to stay in good graces and not ruin her time or anyone elses time. And go with the flow. Here’s to keeping it real.

Looks like the girls finally get into it and they decide that they will go to a male strip show. I went to one of those in Atlanta once. Some dude kept putting his sweaty ass that smelled like ass in my face. It was not cute. Anyway, they are going to see The Thunder Down Under. The show starts and the dudes start getting naked and I swear Sarah has never seen half naked dudes before.

Her mouth is hanging open and she’s screaming. Amber looks bored. Geezer Bait is having fun. Boston looks like she smells shit. And from my own experience that is a very real possibility. And then a guy see’s Ashley in the crowd and points to her. And she blows him a kiss.

Amber tells us that every where they go Ashley has to make herself the center of attention. LOL oh Amber, your green is showing, again. She tells us that Ashley is craving attention and its annoying and she doesn’t want to associate herself with a person like that. Ha! Good luck getting away from yourself there ducklips.

The dude comes out and pulls Ashley onstage. And she’s having a ball. Or two. She tells us that she loves a buff man and she “welcomes big penis’s!” Amen sister.
All the while Amber looks like the jealous insecure twit we all know she is.

Out another dude comes and Boston and Midget stand up but no! They are denied! He goes to Amber! Oh but wait, she surely won’t go onstage with him because that would be just like what Ashley just did, right?

Well well well. Not only is she onstage but she has a hold of that dude’s ass checks and she’s shaking them. Even Midget is like “Uh that’s not ok. She’s my girl. She’s supposed to do that to me.” Oh Midget, let it gooooooooooo.

After the show Sarah tells us that “some of the Thunders Down Under ask them to join them at the Liquidity bar.” And so they do. Ashley is chatting up one guy and she tells him “You almost fell off the stage like 5 times from staring at me.” Yeah Moneyhag its called make eye contact and get money thrown at me. He tells her she was pulling faces at him the whole time.

Then Sarah whispers to Tiff.

Then Amber moves in on Ashley’s dude. They discuss what they each call pop. He calls it a fizzy drink. So does Amber OMG! Ashely says she calls it diet coke. Amber tells us that flirting with Ashley’s guy is fun and that as soon as she starts talking to him he quickly loses interest in Ashley. Then we see this.

On and on Amber proves how desperate she is by slamming Ashley. She tells him he should see what she looks like without make up. Hello? Look how you look with make up you pock marked twit.

Ashley tells Sarah that she’s trying not to get pissed since they just met these guys and all but..she’s getting pissed. And she should be because Amber is slamming her. Hard.

Well that would leave you out now wouldn’t it?

Later Ashley tells Amber to have some respect and Amber says she’s not trying to steal her man. Ashley says you couldn’t anyway. Oh snap! Meow meow psst psst! Ashley says there is a difference between being friendly and flirty and Amber says he flirts like that with all girls. And also that he isn’t Ashley’s man so there!

Ashley tell us its not cool for Amber to knowingly talk to a guy that she knows she’s interested in. I agree. But Amber actually has a point when she says “Dude, he’s a stripper!” Back and forth they go. Ashley wants to talk about it later. Amber doesn’t. Blah blah shut up already.

Later the girls are still drinking and mixing it up with the sweaty assed strippers and one touches Boston’s ass. She tells him he needs to ask permission before doing that. So he does. Midget asks her dude if he wants to get laid then puts a lei around his neck. Someone screams Fantasy Girls and in walks The Fantasy Girls.

More like a nightmare.

Geezer Bait looks scared and I don’t blame her cause one of them is kinda scary looking.

I want my Mommy!

The other girls smile and say hi but you know they are worried that some competition has arrived. One of the Hanson boys has cut his hair and he tells the girls that they should join the Fantasy Girls in their show. Some are excited but Geezer Bait says she can’t hear and looks like she’s about to cry any second. I bet they forgot to give her a bottle.

Turns out Chris Judd is their choreographer. Remember him? He was married to J.Lo for about twenty seconds. Wait that’s not helpful, she’s a couple of those. He’s the bald but cute dancer dude she married and then left for Ben Affleck who then got caught with strippers and she dumped. Wow it’s like a total circle of life y’all!

Ashley just wants to let everyone know that she too used to be a choreographer, for 10 years. Nobody cares. Tiff is all excited and Sarah too saying that this is like her thing!

The next day brings sunshine and hangovers. Poor Midget would like some fresh fruit and a tylenolcolada. Geezer Bait decides to have some fun with the fruit.

Uhh…ouch!

Amber decides to be a two faced bitch and run to Sarah and tell her that in the car Ashley made comments about Sarah’s online nudie shots. How it didn’t mean a thing and anyone could have done that. Looks like she left out the part where she was saying that Sarah had breast implants and is a huge ass liar. Must have slipped her mind.

So of course Sarah runs to Tiff to tell her what Amber says that Ashley said. Tiff is like “she’s obviously jealous.” Sarah says she kinda likes it but she also wants to say something. Tiff tells her not to say anything just to “play into it more.”

Later the girls all show up to practice with The Fantasy Girls. They will be coached by Chris Judd but first they go to hair and make up! They will be dressed as school girls. Slutty school girls of course. Fish nets, hideous ass giant black boots, the works. Sarah feels like she’s finally home. Ashely tells us she’s so excited to meet Chris Judd. Yeah he looks thrilled too.

Nice to meet you. Yay.

Some lady wants to know who will be agreeable to letting their tata’s fly loose. Sarah and Ashley will. So they send them downstairs to change into rehearsal clothes and begin to..rehearse. It’s a mess. Geezer Bait is lost. Tiff is lost. Old lady dancer and Chris Judd try but.. well….

Solid Crap Dancer.

Ashley tells us Amber looks like a dork. And she does. Amber tells us she has no coordination and she can’t dance. Oops. But she says she’s really good looking so that makes up for it. Oh you pathetic deluded thing you.

After they “practice” they go to dinner. As they are trying to decide what to eat a guy comes up with a bottle of wine compliments of Ashley. Awww. She says she just wants to thanks everyone for welcoming her into the house…hahahahaha! WTF? Tiff tells her to stop cause she’s making it hard to hate her. Ashley says whenever she does something to get on their nerves she will just give them a bottle of Petrone. They toast.

Meanwhile the Amber’s are off somewhere. Uh oh. They are pretending to be fortune tellers and Amber says “You will marry a beautiful girl and have 5 ugly room mates. Laughs and giggles.

Back to the table Boston tells Ashley that her buying them a bottle is a move that she herself would make if she was the new girl. Boston tells us that she likes Ashley and she thinks she’s more like them than she is those icky Amber’s.

Ashley tells them that whenever she feels something happening she tries to squash it. She doesn’t like to fight. Sarah tells us that she’s not sure she believes what Amber said about Ashley. As much as she loves to hate her, she just isn’t sure if what she says is true.

Off to hair and make up. Tiff tells us she’s excited and nervous. Sarah is so excited that she can hardly breathe. And then old lady dancer says “I want you to meet Carrot Top.” Uh…WHY? That dude looks entirely too clownish to me and Cherie is begining to get skeerd!

Geezer Bait is genuinely thrilled and wants to know if he brought Hamburgler with him. Boston tells us that its very weird and random to have Carrot Top serving them shots in the dressing room. That may be the biggest understatement I’ve ever heard.

Geezer Bait runs and tattles to Boston & Sarah that the Amber’s have written The Amber Show on their tummies. Sarah suggests that they write Bad Girls Club or say take this whole thing seriously because a lot of people have spent a lot of time and energy to make this night possible. WTF is this Live Aid? You are strippers! get over yourself.

Midget tells her she doesn’t know how to dance and so she’s just trying to be silly and Sarah repeats that a lot of orphans had to die in order to make the dye for Carrot Tops hair and she should have some respect. Or something like that.

Showing my tits will feed 6 orphans a day for 3 years.

Old Lady dancer tells them this is it. They have one chance to be hot! Boston is nervous and predicts that this will be a Bad Girls disaster. Out comes Stephanie to introduce the Bad Girls! Before they come out Tiff tells us she’s scared, Geezer Bait is having a panic attack. I’m getting nervous for them myself. Out they come! The curtain goes up and hooker music plays. Slowly they step down some stairs and they look slow and awkward.

Tiff tells us that she thinks it’s a hot mess. Amber looks lost and confused. As usual. Geezer Bait tells us that Amber can’t walk right much less dance and she looks like there’s a stick up her ass right now. LOL maybe there is.

Sarah meanwhile in the spirit of being inclusive, says she couldn’t give a fuck about the other bitches. She feels like a rock star and plops her saggies out at the crowd. She tells us “it just feels so good to be so out-goingly sexual.” Oh I see she likes being a whore. Yay! Yay for whores.

Ashley comes next and shows the crowd her boobs too. They all dance around a little more and then it’s mercifully over. They are laughing as they leave the stage and Midget thinks they were on count but is informed otherwise. Then Tiff almost falls down the stairs. In previews I thought it was Amber who busted ass so I am disappointed.

Midget tells us they will be known as the Disaster Girls but Sarah says she killed it and that’s all she cares about. I see, I guess they should have written Sarah Show on their tummies instead.

Yes but can you burp the alphabet?

After they perform the for real dancers come on and show them how its done. I’m about to start throwing donuts at the screen because these women are in shape and I have ….a shape. Not unlike the donut. Anyway after that, the girls go walking around Vegas and all is well. They go to a club to party Vegas style and they are drunk as hell and at one spot drinks are thrown and Ashley is wet faced and escorted away.

I love the editing on this show. Cut to the floor where Midget is sprawled out on Tiff. Tiff tells her she fell asleep holding her arm last night. Midget says its because she needed her last night since its her last night as a virgin. Oh crap.

Puke on me and die.

Midget tells us its their last day in Vegas and they have one more stop to make. She and Amber are getting married. Amber tells us she knows its going to be the best day of her life and blah blah blah.

They pile into the cars and Boston, Geezer Bait and Sarah are not happy. They just want to sleep. I don’t see Tiff. She must be laying down.Then we see the Amber’s talking about their life together and how it will be. Boy when Oxygen gets an idea they just ruuun with it.

At the chapel, Sarah, Boston and Geezer Bait are slowly walking across the parking lot whining about having to be a part of this crap when they feel like something the cat harfed up. Finally they all stagger into the chapel and Silvia Brown greets them. Only she says her name is Charlotte.

They say they want to be married now. They both want dresses and off they go to find the perfect gown for each. They choose flowers. They go through the whole damn thing while the other girls stand around in pain. And I feel for them.

Sarah says why can’t they get married in what they are wearing and go through the tunnel of love and do their secret lesbo stuff. She tells us that this is just more of the Amber’s bullshit. They will do anything for attention. So will you stripper so shut it already.

Midget says the girls should carry yellow flowers because yellow stands for jealousy. I thought green was for jealousy but Sylvia Brown said yellow and she knows everything.

Satan’s favorite color is yellow.

Oops.

On and on this shit goes with the Amber’s saying that the other girls don’t understand their love and how could you not love these faces? Well I could make a list for one of you but the internet isn’t that large.

Sylvia asks the others who are sprawled on the floor if they are tired and they explain they are hungover and maybe still a little drunk. She is shocked. Really? Oh God, Tiff tells her they “bounced on it all night.” This poor ancient creature doesn’t understand what that means but offers that she and her sister Martha Washington, used to bounce on their beds.

Dear Lord, please make this episode end. Love, Cherie Oh and while you are at it, please let me lose ten pounds by tomorrow. Amen.

As Sylvia continues to deny that she has “bounced” Ashley asks her if she has children, she does, and Ashley informs her that she has indeed “bounced”. Laughs all around.

The Amber’s are finally in their dresses. Yay. Amber tells us that Midget looks beautiful and then she looks in the mirror and realizes how much better she looks. Have I mentioned this girl gets on my very last nerve?

Mirror mirror on the wall, yuck.

Sylvia decides to tell everyone that the bible says that no murderer’s, whore monger’s or anyone who doesn’t floss will enter the Kingdom of Heaven. Good to know. Tiff says she reads her bible and Doomsday Debbie says “Have you repented of your sins?”

Boston don’t play dat.

Boston doesn’t know what repent means. Ashley wants to know if she can sin now and repent later. Sarah wants to go smoke. Doomsday Debbie says the bible says “IF you smoke on earth you shall surely smoke in hell.” Ya know what else the bible says? SHUT UP OLD WOMAN! Oh for the love of stupidity. Boston wants to see that passage in the bible because she didn’t know there were cigarettes “back when They were roaming the earth.”

Dear Lord maybe you didn’t hear me the first time. I know you are busy. PLEASE LET THIS EPISODE END. xoxo

Ashley tells us she thinks the old crone is the devil because she has firey red devil hair. Nah, she was making out with Carrot Top before y’all got there and it rubbed off on her hair.

The bible don’t say nuthin bout getting some Carrot Top love.

Oh help me Jesus there are vows. Midget says “From the first moment the strap on his me in the back I knew you were the one for me. I like the cherry panties, the smell of your sizzling skin. I love to tame your fly aways.

I take thee crater face…

Amber says “When I first pulled away your nipple covers..” causing Doomsday Debbie to say “WHAT?” Amber continues..”and exposed your young supple breasts. (giggle giggle) I knew I needed to caress them for the rest of my life.” At this point Tiff is cracking up and falls to the floor.

Amber keeps going. “When you close the door and release your bodily gasses it turns me on. Its not just our names that connect us it’s our double sided python. I can’t wait to rub peanut butter on your cookie.”

I’ll tell Satan to be expecting you. I have him on speed dial.

Doomsday Debbie puts a stop to this by saying she is NOT going to marry them. Dramatic music plays. Sad faces all around. DD says she is going to throw up and she will not disrespect God. She refuses! And leaves the room. And Midget cracks up and starts singing Bad Girls.

Ashley tells us they get kicked out of a fucking chapel. Midget says she’s gonna cry. Maybe from laughing. They all agree “fuck Vegas” its time to go home.

No thanks.

And they leave us with post card’s of their stay. No thanks. I saw it the first time. I need more donuts. And aspirin. Until next time lovies. Smooches!