Howdy there Gasmi! After last weeks recap show I am back and anxious to dive right in to this new episode. Not really, I actually have the flu and sitting up and typing makes me want to cry but thats just how much I love you guys. Let me crack open a new case of Nyquil and lets jump into the Bad Girls Club!
This week pretty much starts off where 2 weeks ago ended. You know where the Flatulent Five decided that the Amber’s were talking shit behind their backs and they were gonna call them out on it. Only one problem. They all talk shit and the whole scene was retarded. And if that beaver toothed taking candy from strangers little psycho had gotten in my face like she did Amber’s, she’d be a greasy little toothy smear on the wall.
Nanny nanny boo boo!
Geezer Bait is still screaming about be “prepared for the hurricane” and she’s not talking about when Geezer Dude pisses the bed. And she does that little neck roll thingy that lets everyone know she is for realz y’all. The Amber’s just sit on their bed quietly waiting for the quiet after the storm. Not yet, Tiff isn’t done either. She tells them, “Y’all better hold on to each other real long, hard and thick, cause all y’all got is each other from now on.” When did Tiff get so ridiculous? Oh and she’s digging in her crotch when she says that shit too.
That’s what ya get for hanging with Sarah.
Amber asks Midget what she said to Tiff. Midget says she told her that’s not how she feels so those things wouldn’t have come out of her mouth. Then Midget tells us that Amber has spilled the beans about everyone in the house and she’s now guilty by association. Well I hate to sound like Meemaw but if you lay down with dogs you will get fleas. And Amber is a dog and I’m sure she would have fleas if the crabs hadn’t already eaten them. Midget tries to explain to Amber that sometimes she runs her freakin mouth and Amber denies she has ever said anything bad. Hahahaha! Amber you do talk a load of shit and you got called out and instead of getting in their faces and saying have a look in the mirror you hipocritical slags, you tried to play innocent and innocent you are not!
Wah wah I’m a whiny bitch!
Later Amber runs and calls her Mommy to whine about how she’s being forced to deal with blah blah blah and she’s afraid to leave the house because they said they were going to throw her shit in the pool and wah wah wah. Are you kidding me? Handle your business you dingbat! She wonders if maybe she should leave because she feels cornered. Then Oxygen starts playing some whiney bullshit music and showing rollling clouds and I wonder for a sec if maybe I just died.
Jesus, is that you? Ya got any Nyquil?
No such luck, Geezer Bait is yapping. It seems no one has ever seen her as angry as she was last night. She tells Boston that “they” said that Kevin looks like the kind of guy who brings kids into his room at night. And? Hello he does. Boston says “That is so far off it makes me giggle.” Yeah thats a real stretch there Boston. As Sarah staggers into the room looking like death, Geezer Bait keeps saying she isn’t going to be nice to “them” anymore. Then the stupid bitch tells us that she talks shit about the girls every day but she doesn’t get caught when she does it.
Do you guys smell that?
Sarah opines that “this…whole..thing…started…by her getting…mad…and saying that I was a whore and my boobs were fake.” Well that didn’t take long. She was in the room for about 3 seconds before everything became about Sarah. Impressive. Not. Geezer Bait says she just wants “them” to go home.
I smell it now.
Back to Midget and Amber. Amber is wah wahing about how she doesn’t think its worth it and Midget says “If I could tell you one thing about your personality, you like to talk a lot of shit.” Amber denies this and Midget tells her that she also acts fake to people sometimes. Amber claims its a survival technique she uses. WELL HOW’S THAT WORKING FOR YOU SKANK? Sorry, Dr. Phil/Nyquil moment.
Midget tells her that the best thing to do is come clean and start over and Amber says “The thing is, my time is precious.” and she starts to say some other shit but mumbles and then says she wishes Kayla was there so she could put Trashley in her place. Midget tells her that Amber just wants Kayla to fight her battle. At just that moment, you won’t believe this, the phone rings. Yep, its Kayla.
Kayla asks to speak to Amber and Midget gives Amber a warning look and Amber immediately begins to whine about “them” and saying how she can’t say much. They are all lovey dovey and I’m trying to figure out when that happened. Kayla mentions something about a necklace and Midget grabs the phone and tells Kayla she’s still mad at her. Kayla screeches “Why are you mad at me?” and Midget giggles and Kayla says “I miss you.” Huh? Midget misses her too but says its an up and down street because she is still mad about their fight. Kayla says thats over and bygones are bygones but she doesn’t care for anyone else in that house. She tells them to stay strong and don’t let them other ho’s get to them. Could it be? I actually miss her.
Midget goes into the kitchen to attempt to speak to Geezer Bait like a grown ass woman. Apparently Geezer Bait needs a diaper change cause she is grouchy and wants nothing to do with Midget or her apologies. Bait tells her that she didn’t have anything to say last night and Midget tells her thats because the things she was being accused of saying were not things she actually said so why would she comment about it. Ouch. My head hurts. Midget says who said I said anything about Kevin and Tiff announces it was none other than Trashley.
I want you to apologize for what you know you know that you know, ya know?
Then they go back and forth about some crap and Geezer Bait yells at Midget that she wants her to apologize for what she said not what she doesn’t know she said. I’m pretty sure that even if I wasn’t sick, that would make no sense.
Midget tells us that now she knows what guys feel like when a girl is yelling at them that you know what you did wrong and the girl expects the guy to read her mind. Midget decides its time for a house meeting. Boston takes this opportunity to tell us that the Ambuh’s don’t get it. They don’t want to talk to them anymore, they dug their own grave and they are gonna have to deal with it. Why is she speaking?
So the Flatulent Five decide that during this meeting , instead of putting their big girl panties on and acting like grown women, they will just sit there silently. Sarah’s nasty ass tells us that they have decided to do this because thats what the Amber’s did the night before. No, the Amber’s couldn’t get a word in with all five of you greasy stinky banshees screaming like a bunch of loons. Oh and Sarah also says “Sorry Amber, were a little smarter than you.” You aren’t even smart enough to bathe on a daily basis so shut it fly trap.
I will speak slowlyyyyyyyyyyyyyy.
House meeting! Midget starts off by saying she doesn’t know all that was said but that she knows she didn’t say some of those things and offers an apology for anything she did say that hurt anyones feelings. She tells them she loves each and every one of them and Sarah either rolls her eyes or she got a whiff of herself and almost passed out.
Seriously that smell is following me!
No one says a word and Tiff just grins. Amber starts apologizing and the problem with her apology is that it looks like she is barely able to keep from cracking up. It’s fake as all hell and its obvious. She tells Sarah that she doesn’t think she’s a whore at all. And she giggles. Crickets.
I’m being totally serious you guys, tee hee..
She continues by telling Ashley she’s a wonderful person and a cool girl and fun to hang out with. If I were Midget I’d scoot a little farther down that couch because any second a giant lightening bolt is gonna smash into Amber’s pimpled ass head.
Amber keeps talking bullshit about how this has been an eye opener for her and its all about her own insecurities and zzzzzzzzzz. OMG then she goes for broke and tells Geezer Bait that she honestly thinks Kevin is a wonderful man, and if she loves and cares for him, then so does she. Oh man she ain’t shutting up. She tells them that for the past month she has said nothing but wonderful, wonderful things about Kevin. Still crickets. Either Geezer Bait ain’t buying it or Sarah’s odor has finally sent her into a coma.
Amber tells us that she’s basically bullshitting them so they will feel bad for her and stop being rude and mean and realize what they did was way out of line. Good luck with that dumbass. Tiff bursts out laughing and Midget asks them if they have anything to say. Nope. And they get up to leave and Tiff is scratching at her crotch again.
I would suggest Raid.
Geezer Bait decides the apology just wasn’t good enough and she’s all about making their life a living hell. You go girl.
Amber decides she’s gonna play nice and be cool but when its time to leave the house she won’t be so nice. Shut up Amber. Midget is trying to have a convo with Trashley but Trashley basically ignores her. Midget says she’s being ignored but she’s trying to handle this maturely and hopes it will all work out. Oh Midget. I would bet money it’s so not gonna work out.
Telephone! It’s Kayla again. This time Tiff answers. Coldly. She’s asking for Amber who isn’t home and so she asks about her necklace and Tiff has no clue and when Kayla asks her to tell Amber to call her, Tiff just hangs up. Then she goes and tells the others that “nobody wants that raggity ass necklace.” Tiff tells us that Kayla is using that neclace as an excuse to call and come back to the house and it’s over with for her. Odd how she didn’t say that to her when she had her on the phone, since she’s so all about being real and not talking shit.
Expert on cheap.
Trashley holds the necklace up and says its worth about 3 dollars. Someone says that Kayla will kill them and Tiff says oh hell no she would kick Kayla’s ass. I’m sure she would but again I would be more impressed if you said that TO HER and not to the Flabby Flatulent Five.
Sarah tells us that the girls have decided to have a psychic over. Amber answers the door and automatically asks PsychicGirl to tell her what her name is. LOL. Good one. Now shut it. PsychicGirl says it doesn’t work that way. And just why not? If you are psychic you should know everything! Like lotto numbers and where I hid that box of Little Debbies that I can’t find.
They all gather round and Amber starts off by asking about Stubface. PG tells her he’s gay, get over him. And also he’s not real bright. Then they show his stupid ass tripping up some stairs. Sarah asks about Noah and PG says he has a really bright energy about him. That’s just the glow from the antibiotics. Geezer Bait asks about Old Stinky Geezer Balls and PG says he likes her but he’s molesting kids on the side. And I swear Bait picks her nose and then asks if Fazil is “keen on her.”
I found a boogie!
Then PG tells her there’s a third dude coming in. In about 3 weeks. Midget wants to know if there will be more gummi bears in their future? I’m about to choke a midget! ENOUGH with the gummi bears!
Tiff tells us she thinks the psychic has brought the house back together. They have re bonded. How sweet. Tiff and Amber are talking about the photo shoot they have the next day and Amber hopes Kayla will be there because she misses her. Tiff not so much. Tiff says she is prepared for Kayla and she could care less what she has to say and she’s done. Off to the shoot!
Some dude tells them that they will be doing publicity shots and it will be lots of hard work and lots of fun. Lots of girly squeals and happiness. They back a truck up of concealer for Sarah and get started spackling Amber’s face. And then we hear sound effects of a bomb dropping and see a car pull up! Kayla!
Tiff tells us that when Kayla walks in there is a bad vibe and she doesn’t even make eye contact. Kayla wants to know where she should sit. Nobody says anything. Tiff keeps peeking at her like a little Hoot Owl. Midget asks her is she misses them and Kayla says she misses a few of them lol.
OMG Amber comes screaming into the room like a nut and hugs Kayla. Kayla hugs her back and then Amber excitedly tells us that the other girls have been torturing her and Midget and she’s glad Kayla’s there to put them in their place. Fight your own battles dingbat!
Kayla wants to know where the new girl is and then she spots Trashley. They look each other up and down and then Trashley tells us that Kayla is everything she thought she would be, and she says it in a pissy way. Holy crap, she also says Kayla is full of attitude and ghetto as hell. Cut to Kayla saying the first thing she did when she left was smoke a blunt lol. Trashley says “Gross.” Trashley is whispering to Tiff and Boston that she doesn’t want to talk to Kayla and Tiff tells her she doesn’t have to. Aww look how inclusive and real they are.
Trashley tells us that Kayla thinks she stole her place in the house and she says to the camera “Newsflash bitch, you left it behind and I picked it the fuck up. Get over it.” Again I’d be much more impressed if she said it to her.
Cut to Midget and Kayla talking. Midget tells her she doesn’t want her to be a bitch anymore because she’s not although she can be…she just wants her to be sweet because she cares about her. Tiff and Trashley are listening but not speaking. Tiff tells us that “If Kayla don’t want to talk to me oh well!” and she says she isn’t going to run after her. Did she miss the part where Kayla walked in and said hi? Ya want an engraved invite?
So they start the shoot and all is going well until they get to the part where Kayla leaves and Trashley takes her place. Kayla is rolling her eyes and Sarah tell us that watching Kayla be a snot brings back memories and she’s angry and Kayla is a spoiled brat. Wait a frick fracking second here, wasn’t Sarah all pissed off as well as the other girls because they blamed the Amber’s for Kayla’s leaving?
Four cameramen passed out from the fumes.
It’s finally over and they all clap and Kayla makes the comment that they clapped for everyone but her. Midget says she would have clapped but well, she didn’t. Sarah tells us that the Amber’s are “sucking Kayla’s dick” all day because they want another person in their little clique. And she tells us “I am so annoyed!” You are also greasy and stinky, shut it.
Later at Dolce, Fazil shows up for Geezer Bait. Noah is there with Sarah as well and Sarah tells Fazil that she gets a good aura from him and that she has “psycho abilities.” That I believe. Geezer Bait warns Fazil that the psychic said there would be a third person showing up so he better step up his game. Everybody else looks bored.
They go to pay the bill and realize they are short and for some reason Tiff takes this opportunity to show just how much of a ridiculous bitch she has become. Midget says something about going to the car and choking each other and Tiff says “Why don’t we go get Kayla so she can come choke you back out, your best friend who’s ass you been kissing all day.” Midget says “Best friend, what do you mean?” Why is it any of her business is what I want to know? When did this become TiffWorld?
TiffWorld, where humor goes to die.
Tiff says they can keep kissing Kayla’s ass because “they” aren’t going to. That Kayla can’t protect the Amber’s anymore. Period. WTF? How much Nyquil have I had? Midget choked Kayla and Kayla NEVER protected them. That bitch just talks to hear her own voice now. Lighten up for fucksake!
Amber tells us that Tiff is just jealous and that Kayla is their friend. Tiff tells the Amber’s that every time they get straight with them they find a way to dig themselves back into the motherfucking hole. Well maybe you should print up a freaking rule book so that we are all clear as to how to behave here in TiffWorld you certifiable feces flinging insane skank whore bitch. Nobody says anything.
Tiff tells us that she has tried to talk to Midget but its like talking to a brick wall. She says she doesn’t know how many more times she can try to make Midget understand especially since she doesn’t want to understand. I DON’T UNDERSTAND! Shut up and go away I am running out of shit to throw at the tv.
You should both hide. Now.
Back at the house the Amber’s are tickled shitless because of the way the other girls reacted. Midget says they can’t tell them who they can and cannot talk to. She tells us that they confuse her. Yeah me too. Midget says she just wants to get some sleep. Ruh roh. That means somethings gonna happen.
If they had any sense they’d tape a bar of soap to Sarah’s hand.
Sure enough, we see 3 of the skanks sneaking up the stairs and Tiff tells us that everyone is tired of the Amber’s and they can’t take it anymore. So as the Amber’s are sleeping the Flatulent Five sneak into their closets with tape and tape up their drawers and shoes and clothes and write “whore bite” on the tape. They stick gummi bears on the tape and write “The Amber Show has been canceled”.
Geezer Bait tells us that she just knows that Midget is gonna lose it when she finds tape all over her clothes and she just loves it! Then they take their clothes and throw them off the balcony and some land on a wire. They are giggling dementedly the whole time.
Uh oh Amber’s awake! She tells us its 4am and she hears them and goes to see whats up. As she comes down the stairs Tiff runs out the front door and holds the door so she can’t open it. She finally gets outside and see’s all her shit all over the place and the idiots are laughing and pissing themselves. Amber is not amused and tells them they are going to have to get her stuff down. And she cries.
Wah wah you are all meanies!
The coven do a confessional with a barbie doll screaming for them to get her stuff down and I kinda giggle. It’s the Nyquil.
It’s a little funny.
Then Amber starts crying and saying that those are her good clothes and wah wah wah. She’s tired and doesn’t feel well and blah blah blah. Tiff just laughs in her face and tells us she doesn’t care about the Amber’s anymore and they have been taught a lesson that when ya lay down with dogs ya get fleas and thats what happens. Hey I already said that!
The next morning Midget discovers all her shit taped up. She goes and asks Boston who did it. Bostons just shakes her head. Then laughs as Midget walks away. Midget asks Amber if they did the same to her. Yep. Midget is pissed because someone taped her leather shoes. Midget tells us she’s not impressed.
Later they go out. And Geezer Bait is chatting up some tattooed skinny dude. She says he’s Irish and she wants to taste some Irish right now. BRB. Have you ever barfed up Nyquil? Not pleasant.
Even Bait could do better than that.
Anyhoodle, as she tells Skinny Irish Dude about her psychic saying there would be a number 3, Fazil and Noah show up. Fazil walks right past her and she says “How are you feeling?” He doesn’t respond but goes to the bar to stare at her.
Thats not creepy at all.
Geezer Bait asks Skinny Dude to come to the bathroom with her. He asks why. She says “Because I want to do dirty things to you.” He mumbles some shit about her boyfriend and she denies he is her boyfriend and they start swapping slober. Ewww!
Spreading disease one tongue at a time.
Boston is impressed with Geezer Baits ability to juggle all her men and says “her pimp hand is strong.” Shut up Boston. As Geezer Bait tries to exchange tongues with Skinny Irish Dude Fazil leaves.
Trashley has sniffed out some nasty dude also. She tells us that Sean’s not her type but she’s always willing to try something new. That means he’ll do for the night.
Not her type. But she’ll screw him.
Suddenly Fazil is back and Geezer Bait sits beside him and asks him whats up. He says not much. He tells her she’s all up on Dude and Bait denies it. Then she drunkenly says she doesn’t know how he feels about her so she was searching for the answers in Dude’s tonsils. Fazil is all I don’t want to get hurt and Bait swears she wouldn’t if he could just express himself and then she coughs on him and a Lucky Charm’s flew out.
Oh look a leprechaun shoe!
Fazil wants to come back to the house and cuddle with her every night. She asks why he doesn’t just say so and he says he just did. OY! Someone kill me now please! Now she’s making out with Fazil. They promise to be honest with each other and then they go back to the house.
Trashley has a bottle of “motion lotion” as Fazil so delicately put it. Then he grabs Bait and totes her upstairs. They do a confessional together and say how they are both a little drunk. Bait also says there is “plenty of penis in the house and vagi-gih! Fazil is impressed she’s allowed to say that. And then Trashley runs in and scares Fazil with her boobs that don’t move.
Please make big shiny things go away!
The Amber’s are in bed with a wtf look on their faces. Boston tells us that everybody is hooking up and she never would have predicted that. Sarah says Noah wants to spend the night but she’s apprehensive about having such a hot piece of ass in her bed. Yeah I’d be afraid that if those two smells collide there would be an explosion.
Take his batteries out!
OH GROSS! You can see the covers going up and down like there’s a jack rabbit under there and Amber tells us that its Geezer Bait and Fazil. Midget says she’s gonna throw up and Tiff says she doesn’t know what they are doing and she’s just waiting for the reactions in the morning. Then Boston makes fun of Geezer Bait and mimics how she will act in the morning while Tiff laughs.
You and me both.
The next morning Sarah claims she slept next to Noah and its a very big deal for her. Uh huh. Geezer Bait tells us she doesn’t want anyone to know she and Fazil slept together. She’s afraid the girls will think differently of her. Don’t worry, I am sure no one noticed the head board banging into the wall. Or the fact that its on film. Dumbass.
Trashley skanks into the room and announces she doesn’t remember what happened. She tells us that she usually has such high standards. Yeah, she gets high and sex is pretty standard.
In the smoke room Sarah is fishing to find out if Geezer Bait and Fazil did the deed. No dude he was jack hammering the bed to test the mattress. Bait denies it and Sarah lies and says she talked to Fazil. Dumbass falls for it and announces it was a big pierced penis. Sarah admits she didn’t speak to Fazil and Bait just fessed up for nothing. Trashley comes in and they start chanting “walk of shame” and Geezer Bait high fives her since they both got “tapped”.
Now we smell like Sarah. High five!
Trashley tells us happily that Geezer Bait is Big Pimping and she’s glad cause now she doesn’t have to be the whore of the house. And you thought she had no principles.
Later Tiff asks Bait if she’s gonna tell Kevin. Bait says she wants someone young not someone who she’s trying to fill her Dad’s place with. Then she tells us that Kevin will just have to understand that she’s young and kind of pretty and she’s gonna go out and have fun.
Telephone! Guess who? Yep it’s Geezer Dude and he’s drunk and wants to come over. Bait says no. He says yes. They argue. She hangs up on his drunk ass and tells us she is over her relationship with him and is gonna break out and be herself!
Cut to them all being out and Amber coming to the table and telling Tiff that some girls were talking shit. So Tiff decides she’s gonna walk into the bathroom. Trashley and Geezer Bait are already in there. Then we see this..
And Trashley tells us that some girls were asking if her boobs were real and she said “Yeah they are real expensive bitch what?” and she makes a hideous face.
Geezer Bait hears what the girls said behind the stall and kicks the door.. And runs. Trashley throws her napkin over the stall and the girls come out and its on! Shoving, fighting, screaming. And thats just me.
And they get kicked out. Someone on the street yacks at Tiff and Tiff smacks her with her purse. Tiff tells us that this girl doesn’t realize she’s fucking with the Bad Girls Club. Fuck with one fuck with all.
Boston yells at them not to fuck with Boston cause they will get killed. Trashley yells some shit, so does Amber and I think they have bonded again. I am so sure they will all be lovey dovey now and nothing will ever come between them again.
Well thats it folks. So what did you think? Were you expecting more from Kayla coming back? Do you think I will ever be able to breathe out of both nostrils at the same time again? Looks like next week Tiff and Midget finally come to blows and I gotta say, I’m a little worried for Midget. Til next time lovies, big fluey smooches!