Bad Girls Club: The Amber Show

Hello peeplets! This week is a special week on Bad Girls Club. The Ambers take over! Doo doo doo doo doo doo!

I am not sure how much I can add to the festivities here but I’ll give it a shot. We start off hearing Sarah’s nasty voice saying that the Amber’s had to make up their own show because they do not belong on Bad Girls Club. Really? Guess what Sarah? This is The Ambers Show doo doo doo doo doo doo!

Ok I’ll try to stop doing that but it’s kinda catchy. Anyhoo, they tell us that they have lots of footage we never got to see. Like this picture that’s endlessly entertaining for me.

I guess she skipped “Wearing Heels Day” in Tranny school.

After the credits roll we are treated to a big ass burp. From Amber. She tells us she can burp the alphabet lol. Maybe Midget has rubbed off on her finally. They tell us they will be giving out Amber Awards. It’s a gummi bear on a can. DAMN YOU GUMMI BEARS! I cannot escape them. I think I should get one just for having had to type gummi bear so many freakin times!

Seriously, where the hell is mine?

Once Midget figures out how to say Nominee they announce the first catagory. Best Boy Toy!

Nominees are Amber & Greg, Ailea & Kevin, Ailea & Fazil, Sarah & Noah, Ashely & Joey…and the winner is…

Uhh…congrats?

Although I have to say calling Geezer Dude a “boy” gives me the giggles. That boy ain’t been a boy in decades! Since Bait is most likely in an insane asylum and Geezer Dude is probably in jail the Amber’s accept the award on their behalf. And then make hilarious fun of them. Midget manages to cop a feel off Amber in the process too.

Honk honk!

Midget then asks Amber what she was like before she came to Bad Girls Club. Amber says she was a hot mess. They wonder what the others were like and then segue into some footage. From casting. We start with Kayla being asked if she has ever stolen anything. She says “You mean like white colar crime or like stealing from your grandmother?” She then realizes she just told on herself. Haha. They are asked if they’ve ever messed with a married man and of course Bait has. Then he asks if they have ever had sex with more than one person in a 24 hour period. Sarah has to take her shoes off so she can count and Boston gets all offended and says “What do I look like? A whore?”

Yep.

Speaking of what Boston looks like. A poster at Oxygen named SoFresh posted this picture and I cracked the hell up. They could be twins.

Don’t make me take off my shoe!

Kayla just gave this look.

I’ll take that as a yes.

He then asks if they’ve ever had sex in public. Yep. On the freeway, on the beach, but the answer I want explained is Midget’s. She said up in the air para-sailing. I have got to hear that story!

It was this big!

Have they ever had threesomes? Amber says yes, Midget giggles, Boston says “Yes. I have. I am from Boston.” Sarah has to think on it.

Told ya not to take your shoes off.

Have you ever been arrested? Kayla says no then almost chokes lol. Have you ever been in a fistfight? Sarah says yes and then Bait says “Yes and I always win.” Hahahaha! She should have added “Only if someone else is holding the person down and knocks them to the ground.” Boston says “yes I have. I am from Boston.” Jeeze shut up already.

Next the Ambers talk about class. No seriously. And they show footage of burps and all around classy behavior. My favorite is of some of the girls peeing in a parking lot. Don’t even act like you’ve never done it.

I hate when I pee in my boot!

Oh gross. Midget tells Amber that she used the curtain. To wipe herself after peeing. I don’t know what curtain or where and I don’t want to know. Bad Midget!

Remind me not to invite you over.

Cut to Boston asking Tiff, Sarah, and Bait if you only get crabs if you have a bush. According to Bait you can get them even if you have a bald beaver. I’m sure she knows. Poor thing obviously has them behind her ears as well.

Bushless Crab Expert

We see different scenes of humping air, grabbing each other. Hijinks abound. Then Midget is on the floor asking if this is “doggie style.”

Nope, that’s Midget style.

Sarah suggests they have masturbating wars so they can see who’s louder and then we see Amber in the limo proudly proclaiming to the others that she can stick anything “Up there.”

Hey! Where’s my purse?

They decide to change the subject and announce another award. This one is the Hot Mess Award. Ha! How can you pick just one? Nominees are..Bait, for having a fit in the limo because she needed to pee.

I knew I should have worn a pull up!

Tiffany for having a fit and throwing her shit down the stairs in Cancun. She was threatening to leave because Boston was being kicked out.

Wanna bet?

Ashley for her ridiculous breakdown after losing the contest in Cancun. And guess who the winner is? Hottest Mess is Trashley!

Damn, that dude is pissed off.

Next up they discuss how Midget has a serious lacking in ability to pick up guys. Amber tells her she sucks at it and that’s why no guys came to the house for her. We see a love coach telling the girls not to chase men and then Midget trying to sell Amber for $5.

Make that $4!

We see the lady giving out advice about what to ask on a date. She tells them not to lie.She says they only have a couple of seconds to make a connection so smile.

We are smiling.

Cut to a drunken Midget telling this guy that his face looks like her vagina when she doesn’t shave. I’m begining to see Amber’s point.

Hey Bushface! Wanna date?

Love Coach Lady asks them how many of them feel nervous on a first date. Sarah raises her hand.

I’m confused. Do I bathe before or after I have sex?

Love Coach Lady warns that some women become little chatterboxes. And we see Bait talking this guys ear off about who the hell knows what. Basically she tells him she’s a loser.

And you smell like one too.

Love coach says the most important thing is smiling. And we see Boston looking like she smells Sarah as some dude says they are pretty but they have no personality.

Go fuhk yuhself!

She also advises that they talk about current events. You know read a newspaper. Cut to Midget telling some dude that they should talk about important stuff like the economy, and vibrating cock rings.

If ever persons boughted juss one cock ring the ecomonomony would be save! *hiccup!*

Then Love Coach Lady tells them the best thing they can give a person is their commitment. To connect with them in a deep and meaningful way. Ha! Has she seen this show? They shows scenes of the girls “connecting” all right.

Was it skinhead night at the club?

Boston being friendly.

Bet they had to fill that pool in to get rid of the disease.

Back to the Ambers we have Amber asking Midget if she’s ever seen that movie where the vagina has teeth. Uhh….no. Oh wait, she means Snow White! No? Maybe it was just the version I saw. Ok so cut to the Flab Five talking shit about their fav subject in all the land. The Ambers suck, the show is dumb, blah blah blah bitch.

Then cut to the Ambers apparently wandering away from the set as Announcer Dude calls for them. Where could they be? Well in the super private bathroom that’s where. Midget talks about how they can talk shit in their because its so private, as she stuffs tissue in her bra. LOL.

You should do like Trashley and just stick cement blocks in there.

Cut to more scenes of Amber bashing. Bait says that Amber’s skin’s gonna look like leather. She better hope not cause Bait will be all over her. Then Amber talks shit about Bait. She says that is what you are going to meet if you do online dating. That should scare the hell out of people. Amber’s eyeliner bothers Tiff. Amber is grossed out that Bait is dating her Dad lol. More scenes of the Flab Five calling Amber a slut, whore, trashy. On and on it goes.

Finally we see the Ambers heading into the “control room.” LOL looks like we might need to take up a collection so Oxygen can get some decent equipment.

Oh look, they “found” triple x outtakes from the show. I’m not sure my stomach can take this but for you guys I’ll press forward.

Gettin’ a little queasy.

Then we see scenes of Midget in the hot tub and naked Tiff throws a tray of ice at her. They wrestle, still naked. Then we come upon this.

Midget pickle.

They put a condom on it and the Kayla tells Midget to put it in her butt. Then we see Midget trying to learn how to Booty Pop. Tiff seems awfully interested in Midget’s ass.

Next we see a shot of Midget talking on the phone to a guy. She tells him she’s thinking of getting into porn. He tells her she better brush up on her blow job abilities. Must be Surfer Dude on the phone. Then we see a blacked out image of Trashley having sex with a random dude. And making noises. Eew!

Anyone else NOT surprised that Trashley’s on top?

Amber tells us that the three x’s stand for Bait, Trashley and Sarah because they were the whores of the house. Uh huh. I seem to remember you getting a little action from Stubface as well. So shut it. Up next is Boston talking about how stupid the Amber Show is and how repetitive they are. Ya mean like when you announce how you are from Boston over and over and over?

On to the House Boy tape! The girls all decided to find a dude who would come clean for them. Sarah says he should be uneducated. They hold auditions and Sarah tells us she likes Blake because he has a belly, he’s pale and has nasty tattoos. There are those stellar standards of hers again. Blake gets the job but he sucks at it which is probably why we never saw him on the actual show.

He won’t cut it, he looks like he showered recently.

Next are scenes from Barry’s Bootcamp where the girls went to work out. Well most of them worked out. Bait just acted pitiful and then fell on the floor in a heap claiming to have an asthma attack.

I bet he’s glad he didn’t have to perform CPR.

Midget mimics Bait’s “attack” and says Bait is so emotional and this segues into another award. Yay!

Nominees are Sarah for some fit she had about someone trying to “steal her feelings.” Kayla for her limo fit where she stripped naked. Bait for her retarded “hold me back” attack on Midget where you see her looking back at Sarah and Boston waiting for them to come hold her back and only then did she try to get at Midget. And Amber’s crying fit after the trolls put her shit outside and on the roof. And the winner is….

I’m bout to take my draws off y’all!

Man Kayla did know how to throw a proper fit didn’t she? The next award is for Coolest Celebrity. I didn’t remember any celebrities. I still don’t. Nominees are…Pirate Fabio and his giant wanker, Carrot Top who is a giant wanker, Tanisha, my fav bad girl EVER, and Jesse Jane, you know, the wholesome girl who looks nothing like a pornstar, and Chris Judd, J-Lo’s ex and a cutie also. And……the winner is……

Boo! My Tanisha was ROBBED! Robbed I say! These awards are rigged! Damn the Ambers are getting to me. Get outta my head Ambers. I don’t want to be a twit!

Ok so Midget tells Amber how pretty she looks causing Amber to need to go look in the mirror. Perfect opportunity to talk shit about her and give her an award. Turns out Amber has been given the Worst Dancer Award. No shit.

I’ve seen epileptic frogs with more grace.

Cut to scenes of Amber blowing kisses at herself and generally admiring her own face. Midget gets her attention and drags her off to the bathroom. Again. There they talk about Bait and her attempts to save the world one water bottle at a time. And she’s using plastic bags as recycling bins. Twit.

Al Gore must be so proud.

Next award goes to Boston for the Biggest Deal. Cut to scenes of Boston saying she’s from Boston about 100 times. At the end they show a disclaimer lol. At one point they show Sarah saying “Hey Toto, we aren’t in Boston anymore.” Haha good one.

Now we see Midget eating an ice cream cone and asking Amber if she’s fat. Then we see a little Midget belly as Amber tells her she might have a little beer belly.

Midget beer belly.

Midget decides that this is hard work so she needs to go get some food. This gives Amber the chance to talk shit about Midget and give her an award. The award for Worst Pick Up Line. She says such doosies as “Come here often?” “How big is your ahem?” “Do you know of any good looking men?” “How do you feel about a girl who can juggle two men at once?” and my all time favorite, “How do you feel about vibrating cock rings?” And the winner is….

Midget comes back and Amber throws the award behind her. Midget’s eating “emetible” under wear which segues into a montage of everyone mispronouncing everything. Like reciting the Pledge of Allegiance. When they get to “indivisible” Tiff assures Midget that is not a word.

One nation, under God, indivisuableled…

This takes us to Tiff, Bait and Sarah trying to say acetaminophen.

It’s not an antibiotic so don’t stress yourself.

Assorted other mispronunciations ending with Tiff reciting the alphabet, angrily.

Now I know my abc’s….bitch!

The final category is…Best Throw Down. Nominees are Midget & Kayla, Midget & Whitney, Flab Five & the hair metal fans, Whitney & Kayla…and the winner is…Midget vs. Kayla!

And Midget bites her gummi bear award. She also realizes she is a common denominator in these fights. LOL. To the streets we go.

Midget is interviewing poor innocent people. She’s showing them pictures, bad pictures I might add, of the other girls. Then she asks the question, “Would you bounce up on it or kick it to the curb?”

Kicked!

No way in hell.

Not even on her birthday.

How you say…NO!

Hey ain’t that a dude?

Why is she moving like that?

And shock of all things shocking Midget shows a glammed up picture of herself and all the dudes agree they would bounce up on it lol.

“Schwing!”

Back to the studio! The girls talk about how hard it is to be a bad girl. Cut to scenes of the thousands of fights that went on. Amber tells us she learned to be more opinionated. While Trashley tells us she learned absolutely nothing. Except how great she is.

I learned how to hide my candy.

Boston says she learned that you can’t change people. Then we see this picture.

He means that literally.

Sarah says being a part of BGC is about showing your true self and saying “Here I am.” You certainly did that. More scenes of fighting and then finally we have the Amber’s saying goodbye.

Doo doo doo doo doo doo!

So all in all it was a cute little way to waste an hour. There’s only one episode left. Are you guys as sad as I am? I am also looking forward to the reunion show! And, I am still waiting for my Gummi Bear award!

Til next week,
Love & smooches,
Cherie