Hello my lovies! Sorry again for the lateness but it turns out the world doesn’t just revolve around me and sometimes I have to help others. *shudders* So since I was awakened by said “other” about 3 hours after finally going to sleep I figured I might as well jump on into Bad Girls Club!
As Perez Hilton voice overs that absence does not make the heart grow fonder, we are treated to scenes of the different girls claiming they are going to fuck that bitch up, beleeee that! Blah blah blah, we’ve heard it all before. “How we do it in Boston is, we use our fists!” I finally realized that apparently in Boston “fists” is slang for “shoes and/or pulling hair.” Who says this shown isn’t edamecational?
Ya know how you can tell Sarah is in the building? Look at Perez’s face.
After a little plug for himself Perez welcomes us to the Season Three Reunion of the Bad Girls Club. Claps all around! Probably “the clap” as well. He tells us that over at Perezhilton.com they deal with Lindsey, Britney, and all skanks in between and that nobody knows a hot mess better than he does.”And tonight, I have 8 of the hottest bitches around.”
Out comes Trashley, Sarah, Tiff, Amber and Midget. He tells them tonight will be like therapy and they are going to bounce up on it. I guess he’s saving the other 3 bitches for later. There is a lot of applause and finally we get down to the nasty!
Perez tells us its seem to be a tradition that someone always knocks a bitch out and gets sent home. Causing Midget to make this face.
Perez mentions that there are usually 7 girls and he asks Sarah how it felt to actually make it to the end. She proudly tells us it felt really good and it was a really big accomplishment that they were all able to control themselves and maintain their composure. WHAT?
Composure means what again?
Instead of slapping Sarah silly and nailing her ass to the wall for that ridiculous statement he turns his attention to the Ambers. He says Midget was responsible for sending a few of them packing. She snaps back “They actually sent themselves packing.” Hahahah Oh Snap!
Ever had your ass kicked by a Midget Mr. Man?
Next Perez reads some questions that people left on the Oxygen message boards. The first one who’s name I will attempt to spell Cheecheefrufru? is wondering if at any point she (Midget I think) thought she should just leave? Midget says that she just felt like everybody in the house hated her the whole time causing Trashley to make this face.
The duct tape is pinching my nut hair!
Perez asks Midget what she expected from being in BGC and she says she just wanted to live in a mansion and party and have fun. He asks her when did things turn and she says on day 2 when she started getting screamed at and she was pissing everyone off but didn’t know why. Trashley again leans in and makes some comment to Tiff. You know, keeping it real, not talking shit at all. Although to be fair maybe her prostate was acting up.
Sometimes it’s hard to be a woman…especially when you have a pecker.
Perez says that now that Midget has seen the show does she know why she was pissing people off? She tells him because she’s so sweet and an angel causing the crowd to laugh and Tiff to bust a vein. Tiff leans in because she realizes no one has spoken to her and asks “Did you know what the Bad Girls Club was before you came in?”
As Midget tries to say she knew what it was TiffMonster interrupts her and says “You knew what it was? You sitting here lying too.” Oh so now Tiff is a freakin psychic! She can read minds. Is there no end to her talents?
Tiff’s talent=dead end.
Amber tries to speak and Tiff tells her she isn’t talking to her. Someone says shut up and Midget says she saw season 2 with Tanisha and for some reason this causes Tiff to say “Don’t gets balls Amber.” Trashley jumps in and tells Amber “Yeah don’t and don’t be trying to look like me either in your little outfit.” And she says some shit about wearing jeans and flip flops bitch! And she keeps yelling over Amber to “Shut the fuck up just shut the fuck up.”
Someones hormones need adjusting.
Amber tells Trashley that she is disrespecting herself right now and Trashley loses it as usual and calls her a stupid cunt and asks her if she’s seen the show. Amber tells Trash that she hates herself so much that she has to be nasty to her. Trash actually says “I hate myself? What is there to hate about YOU? You look like a egg on stilts, you have a pot belly and the worst acne and you are depressed.”
Ya wanna talk about potbellies there man face?
Amber tells Trash she doesn’t want to insult her and of course Tiff jumps in and says she already did. Amber says she had issues back then and Tiff says”Wit yo self!” Hey Tiff snappy comeback. Did you think she was saying she had issues with the IRS? Dumbass.
Perez tries to regain control and asks Amber about her boyfriend and if that was where the issue stemmed from. She says yes. She admits that she took it out on the other girls but that is not who she is today. That she has nothing nasty to say about Trash or anyone else. Tiff can’t let that shit go though since she can’t seem to get any airtime and replies “Cause you said it already that’s why.” And she tells her “It’s a blond thing.” and cackles. Hey blond girls, Tiff just called y’all stupid.
Uhh, hello? Remember when I was hosting the show?
LOL Amber says she’s not even a natural blond and everyone laughs. She then apologizes (not even if the fires of hell were crawling up my ass would I apologize to that spooge bag) to Trashley. Perez says “Well she just called you a cunt so I think you are even.”
And now Perez brings us to Tiff and her self proclaimed status as peace maker. And he shows a clip from the last night they had together when Midget told her that her friend had felt her up. They cut back and forth between the clips and Midget and Tiff’s faces.
Instead of a big ass fight Midget and Tiff agree that there was no harm done and none intended. Next question is from badtothebone, they ask if Midget and Tiff are still friends? Midget says that Tiff will talk to her on the phone and be her friend on the phone but then on the Oxygen boards she see’s a girl named “ceecee” and she asks Tiff if that’s her. Tiff denies it but I had the same suspicion so who knows? And then it’s all, yes you are, no I ain’t. And Tiff says, and I quote, “It’s not me. I think a lot of peoples you too and I swear to God on my daddy head all the way til the world blow up it ain’t never me. Now what?”
I can prove it ain’t me cause you ain’t you and birds fly backwards and if you play the BGC theme backwards it says I ain’t ceecee!
Perez asks what has been said at Oxygen and Midget says that she’s a dick sucker and that the other Amber…but she gets cut off but Tiff screeching “You sucked dick on national tv what did you want, that could be anybody in the audience who wrote that what does it have to be me?” Tiff says there are a million different people on those boards and Midget says yeah cause you are a million different people on there. More back and forth and the finally Perez says “Ok bitches it’s the Perez show, shut the fuck up!” I suddenly love him.
He then turns his attention to Amber B. having sex in the house. Which she denies. Excuse me for a sec. HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAHA! She doesn’t care what footage is out there she knows it didn’t happen. Cut to Trash jumping up and poking her ass in the air and saying “So what was this?”
Poor things cement boobs shifted and she fell over.
Perez says the video doesn’t lie.And he’s going to track down Stubface and ask him himself. Then Amber swears she’s never done it that way. Tiff says “She’s never been bent over.” Haha good one. Then Amber swears on her grandfather that she’s never done that in her life. Sarah, who the hell even remembered she was there says “Well then you sound like a snooze in the sack then.” Again hahahaha!
Perez explains that there were two houseguests who had to leave just days before the end of the show because they were being shit taco bitches. He asks Sarah if it was bitter sweet for her to leave the house without Boston and Bait? She says no she was just sad about it because they were her friends and it sucked not to be able to share the whole thing with them.
Who were we talking about?
Perez says to Amber that she was glad those bitches were gone. She admits that Bait bugged the shit out of her but she didn’t have a problem with Boston until she started hanging and acting like Bait. So guess who they bring out? BRB I’m gonna need to visit
Mommy’s happy pill bottle.
Did y’all feel that. It’s my life force being sucked away.
Out Bait and Boston come to semi applause, they hug and kiss Perez and hopefully he has health insurance. And then Perez, who I will now love eternally says to Bait, “It’s nice to see you and your hair extensions.”
Better hair. Still looks like a beaver.
Perez mentions that there is a long history of the girls not getting along. Sarah says its because we are really jealous. Then Tiff jumps in with “They are just so much hotter than I am I don’t know what to do. I mean I wake up in the morning and want to look just like them.” Since they were obviously joking Midget assumed it was safe to play and says “Thank you.” To which Tiff angrily says “Bitch please!”
Hey Tiff, how about a little warning before you go all United States of Tara ok?
Perez wants to know why there was such a division. Uh because the Fucked Up Five suck ass. Oh he wasn’t asking me. Sorry. Ugh. Boston says “they” secluded themselves. That “we had invited them to many things.” Midget recalls no such invites. So braintrust then says, “We would sit in the house constantly and you guys would leave.” Which is it chowder breath? Did you sit you ass at home and They left or did you invite them out and they wouldn’t come? On second thought who the hell cares, GO AWAY.
How we do it in Boston is, we take a greasy dishrag and slap ourselves about the head and then we call that getting our hair did.
Tiff jumps in with more incoherent jibberish. She says the Amber’s had fun together and shakes her hair like she’s making fun of them and then say “Just like they had fun together, so did we.” Well I guess she told us. Oh and she says they all vibed together differently, the things that they would do she would never do. That I believe.
Midget says then why would you even invite us out and then call us dumb? Sarah says “First of all you are dumb because you are blond.” They starts calling each other ridiculous and then Tiff starts throwing gummi bears at Midget but her aim sucks as much as her personality and she hits Perez. He picks one up and eats it.
That ain’t no gummi bear, it’s a happy pill. Beleeee dat!
Midget is laughing and throwing them back. The audience is laughing too. Then one of Tiff’s alters takes over and she jumps up and throws a pillow at Midget. Who promptly throws it right back. Of course big bad Tiff says “Don’t play with me Cookie. Don’t fucking play with me.” Midget tells her to calm down and Tiff says she can do whatever the fuck she wanna do. And then she tells her that she will “fuck her up.” “On life.”
Ya know I have gone back and forth with this pathetic excuse for a Bad Girl. And since right now I’m dealing with some real life shit that doesn’t involve being disrespected by a gummi bear I think I’m gonna have to have a little rant here. Hey Tiff, pull the dead rat out of your ass, grow the fuck up, stop being obsessed with blond bitches since that seems to be your favorite insult as of late, and get the fuck over yourself. “Keeping it real” has nothing to do with constantly threatening to fuck someone up, on life on my daddy head! You have have had numerous chances to fuck up anyone you wanted to and never once have you actually done it. So basically, I break with thee. You suck.
To all my Gasmi readers I apologize. Cherie is having a bad day.
On with the show. Trash decides to announce that this is why it’s called the Bad Girls Club. Midget’s response is to laugh and tell her she wasn’t even bad enough to make the first cut of Bad Girls. Hahhahaha! Trash gets all pissed, jumps up and adjusts her jock strap and tells Midget to shut up you stupid bitch, and she throws a pillow at her.
I can throw a pillow I AM a real Bad Girl I am I am!
So Perez enjoys another gummi bear and then intros the next set of clips of love. We start with the Amber Show! Starting with when Amber tells Midget maybe Geezer Dude is Bait’s real Dad! Hahahaha. Then on to Tiff lying her ass off to Trashley by saying the Amber’s started the division not them. On to everybody is tired of the Ambers and they can’t take it anymore blah blah blah Bait has temper tantrums etc etc. Cut back to Perez singing “doo doo doo doo doo doo!” He asks the Ambers if they came up with The Amber Show to piss the other girls off?
A better question would be what the fuck doesn’t piss these girls off?
Midget tries to say it was not to piss them off but Bait says that a couple of the shows she’s seen seemed to be all about her. Midget says she was the one pissing them off at the time so that’s why they were talking about her. She tells them that she’s flattered that they would take time out of their day to talk about her. And she thanks them. Oh bless her she finally found the right dosage, or she’s about to go postal and kill everyone there.
Are we done taping yet? Kevin is doing a live webcast on geezerdong.com.
Amber tries to tell Bait that she never said much about her until Cancun and Sarah jumps in and says “Amber you said Kevin was her Dad!” Yeah we all heard that when it was shown like 3 seconds ago. Shut it squid lips.
No amount of make up will cover that herpes sore.
Amber starts apologizing for hurting Bait and the rest of the girls and again I would sleep on a bed of turds (or at Sarah’s house, same thing) before apologizing to any one of those hags. Perez notices that he hears a lot of sorrys coming from the Ambers but not so much from the infected side. Sarah and her mouth sores say “Because a Bad Girl doesn’t apologize.” Boston says she is sorry about what happened in Cancun and the way it went down.
Yeah you look really sorry.
Cut to scenes from Cancun. Midget dancing and having fun. Bait voice overs that Midget is making her so mad she just wants to smash her face in the ground. Hey dipshit, dancing ain’t illegal anymore. Didn’t you see Footloose? They show the whole sickening “beat down” and in between we see the faces of the idiots who claim they are sorry. Bait giggles when she sees that she did indeed grab Midget. Boston is grinning and so is Tiff and Sarah. Bait and Boston high five each other when the clip is over.
Yay we are pathetic bitches!
Tiff, Sarah and Trash don’t think it was a big deal. Sarah says “It wasn’t that bad.” Perez is like “IT wasn’t that bad? She was kicked several times, that’s not bad?” Boston starts bullshitting about how Midget was throwing shoes and blah blah bullshit blah. She blithers on about some other shit and says it wasn’t just “one on one.” To which Perez says “You’re right it was you guys ganging up on her.” They all try to make excuses but Perez says the footage does not lie. Boston says it wasn’t meant to be like that.
Oh I see, it was meant to be a group hug.
Midget snaps back that “what was is meant to be then? You attacked me!” Boston reverts to her usual vast vocabulary and yells “Shut the fuck up.” Then she says that she had warned Midget earlier in the day that if she didn’t stop poking at her she was gonna snap on her. Perez says “Just because you tell a bitch you are going to beat her up doesn’t make it ok when you beat her up.” Audience laughs like hell.
He then switches to Bait and asks if she feels bad. She says it is wrong to beat anyone up but nah she really doesn’t give a shit. Midget asks her if she’s embarrassed at all. Bait says no. Perez says “You should be.”
I tried to “feel” once. It didn’t work.
Midget says to Tiff that she thought after seeing the footage maybe her feelings would have changed. Tiff get’s all TiffMonster and says she hasn’t said a word and that basically she was the one that “brought Cancun back together.” Midget accuses Tiff of only doing that to look good on the show. And the TiffMonster is on her feet.
Tiff gets all in Midget’s face blathering about how she don’t pay her bills or do nothing for Tiff and she did that out of the kindness of her cold dead heart. More crap. Then Tiff slaps Midget in the head and then runs away. Midget slaps back but the TiffRat had scurried off already.
Next Perez goes after Bait for kicking Midget and then gloating about it. He tells her that watching that made him want to barf. And I quote, “That made me think you are a pathetic bitch.” She says ok and the audience cheers lol. She tries to back track and say it was wrong but Perez isn’t done with her ass and says “You know whats even more wrong? To not feel any remorse and to kick someone and then gloat about it.”
He then asks Midget if it felt good to finally get justice by kicking that bitch out. Midget says she threw herself out. She attacked her and got herself kicked out. Boston snaps out of her coma to say “That was a rat move.” She says she had the choice to keep her or send her home and she chose to send her home and you don’t do that to anybody.
I would hope that she drowns in Boston Harbor but then I’d feel guilty about the pollution.
Perez heads back to Bait and says “You seem like a crazy bitch to me and in the show you revealed that you went to the nuthouse. How long were you there for?” She says she was just there for an evaluation. Perez tells her maybe she should go back and spend a little more time there and she agrees that she has thought about it. Midget asks Bait if she really is alright now and before Bait can say anything Boston decides that she is about to fuck Midget up one on one right now. There’s a first time for everything. Perez asks Boston why she even said that and she tells him she just doesn’t want to hear anything stupid. Then stop speaking bitch.
Next up Perez brings out Kayla. He calls her the crazy bitch from Compton. The only ones who hug her are Amber and Midget. The others have that same “I smell Sarah’s feet” look on their faces. So Perez asks her if it’s K.C. or Kayla and why the two names? She replies it’s like how Beyonce has Sasha Fierce. When she’s pissed K.C. comes out. Perez asks which one is there now?
Let me consult the voices.
Perez brings up the fight with Midget and Kayla says thats how it is when you love someone. You fight. But she does love these bitches. Perez says “Damn girl you crack me up.” He then tells her she is a troublemaker. He reminds her that they were kicked out of quite a few clubs and he high fives her. Next is a question from a viewer. Viewer wants to know if Kayla is scared of Tiff. Kayla is not pleased with the question and says she ain’t skeerd of nobody but God. Perez wants to know why she and Tiff didn’t connect more. Kayla says she was originally pissed that she wasn’t the only black girl in the house but then thought that the two of them would “rule the house.”
Be careful, your adam’s apple is showing.
Trash takes offense at Kayla saying that as black girls they would run the house and it is a bit racist to say. If one of the Amber’s had said that shit they would have been drowned. In a toilet. So the fighting starts. Shut the fuck up, you are a dumb bitch. You got kicked off blah blah blah. Kayla tells her she doesn’t even know her so shut it. More screaming and threats and then Trash says, “Did you watch your episode? Cookie beat your ass.” Kayla decides that she is going to be a lady today but she will still cuss her ass out. Perez’s happy pills finally kick in.
Perez asks Tiff why she and Kayla didn’t mix and she mumbles a bunch of shit about being the same but different and then Perez calls her ass out for talking shit about Kayla at the photo shoot. Tiff’s response? Yeah she was upset cause Kayla hooked up with “these two motherfuckers.” Oh I see, we are in TiffWorld again where only she can decide who hangs out with who. Tiff says “Now you know that on any day you would choose to hang with me and not them so stop it.” Uhh she chose to hang around the Amber’s psycho. Get over it.
Perez changes the subject to Trashley’s sugar daddy. She denies he was that. Perez reminds her that he bought her cement boobs. Out of no where Kayla says “He didn’t like yo boobs so he gave you new ones bitch. That’s what happened.” LOLOLOL! And it’s on. You are a bitch, you suck, I’ll kick your ass. Perez gets the hell outta dodge as Kayla moves closer to Trash. Bitch bitch hate no man wants to date you. And then Trash throws what looks like a roll of toilet paper at Kayla and hits her and the shit hits the fan.
Security comes running, a bit slowly I might add. It takes a while to get everyone calmed down enough to continue and poor Perez looks like he may have pooped his pants a little.
Happy pills wearing off!
They get them back in their seats but Kayla starts in with Trash again and finally Perez starts throwing gummi bears at them, to no avail. Perez jumps up and claps his hands in front of Kayla’s face to try and get her to shut it. Trash is still yelling too. Perez tells them he doesn’t want to have to kick anyone off. So now we move to talking about “hot ass.”
I see Noah, Marcus, Fazil, and StubFace. Then we are treated to scenes from the past that I already had to live through once and refuse to post again. Kevin and Ailea sucking face. While Amber voice overs that it makes her puke to see them kiss. Then Bait with Fazil. Then Noah and Sarah. Then Sarah and the random dude from Cancun that didn’t count because she used a condom.
Poster child for NO SELF ESTEEM!
Perez asks Bait how she went from shy girl to ho in 20 seconds and she blames the other girls. Kayla asks about Kevin. They tried to make it work but it just didn’t. awww. Then Perez asks Fazil what he thinks of Bait after seeing the footage. He like most humans were grossed out. Would he date her again? He says they’d have to talk about it. Jeez.
Perez asks Amber how she felt about Bait being a big whore. LOL. She replies that she’s not going to disrespect him but she just didn’t think he and Bait were meant to be. Tiff already mumbled some shit about Amber already disrespecting him and then announces that Kevin was really nice and took Amber out to eat several times and she still talked about his ass. Shut the hell up already.
Up next is Sarah and Noah. Perez calls her on refusing to sleep with Noah yet doing the nasty with a random dude in Cancun. He does think random dude was hot though. Her dumb ass says “I know thanks!” Right in front of Noah.
Everyone gets laid in Cancun, it’s the law.
Then Perez asks Noah what he thinks about Sarah being a dirty whore. He says he wasn’t dating her. It sucked but he knew it would happen. Would he take her back? Yep.
I have such a headache right now.
Then we see Amber talking/breaking up with Scott. She did indeed go back to Pittsburgh and try to make it work with him but it didn’t. Then we see scenes of Stubface and them not having sex. Ya know, the scene with the empty condom wrapper on the floor. Perez calls StubFace to come on stage. And sit in his lap.
Told ya he was gay.
First StubFace hugs Amber then Perez grabs him and seems to hold on to him a little too long. Then he tries to get him to take his shirt off. As he’s trying to tell Perez what he thinks of the other girls he keeps shifting on Perez’s lap and then decides he might better get off before he finds himself riding a human pogo stick.
Perez asks Sarah why she didn’t get along with StubFace and she says its because he was too much like a male Amber. Then Perez tells StubFace to get off the stage, he’s done with him because he wouldn’t take off his shirt. As StubFace goes back into the audience, Perez call’s Amber out on saying that she and StubFace did not have sex in the house. Since he knows she’s lying he asks StubFace. And StubFace says “That wasn’t no candy wrapper on the floor.” hahhaha busted!
I cannot tell a lie.
Yes you can dammit!
Perez says “It’s the Amber’s vs the Fab Five and me in the middle.” Kayla says “Hey what about me?” and Perez says “Bitch shut up.” and they go to commercial. LOL.
They’re back and someone has a question. “Whitney, tell me why one person in America other than people from Boston give a flying fuck that you are from Boston?” Audience laughs and applauds. Boston says she’s proud of her city and then names all the sports teams she can think of. He asks what part of Boston and she admits she’s actually from NORTH of Boston. He looks incredulous and repeats “You aren’t even from Boston?” and she blither blathers on about how she is but she isn’t but its a long story and zzzzzzzzz.
Perez will now update us on what the girls are doing now. First up is Bait. She is studying to be a nurse. Oh dear Lord.
Midget says she wants to join the Peace Corps so that maybe anything bad she has done will be balanced out.
Amber is going to MORTUARY SCHOOL. I had to rewind that a few times. I mean no disrespect at all to the profession but…damn. She’s also moving to Phoenix to be closer to Midget.
Boston is in school. “I major in biology. I major in finance and I minor in physics. Perez asks her if maybe she should take anger management lol.
Trashley is still managing the hair salon she worked at before. And being celibate. No seriously. She claims after leaving BGC she lost her sex drive. Told ya her hormone injections were off. He then thanks her for getting rid of her chola eyebrows lol.
Tiff it seems goes around to high schools talking to young ladies. Motivational speaking is next for her. She talks to them about anger management and turning a bad girl into a good girl. Excuse me for a sec. Hahahahahahahaa! What’s next, Michael Vick becoming the new Dog Whisperer?
Sarah works at a bar downtown, working bottle service. If that means what I think it means I’m sure it “fits” her perfectly.
Kayla is heading back to college as well and is always searching and learning to be better. She says that everyone on that stage is intelligent. Perez says “Intelligent people will fuck a bitch up sometimes.”
They show a montage of the actual good times that were had in the house. Lots of drinking, giggling, licking whip cream off each other.
Perez tells us we have come to the end. “If there’s one thing we’ve learned tonight though it’s be a bad girl, but not too bad. And remember whomever you are with wherever you are at, bounce up on it!”
Everybody’s bouncing and hugging and laughing. He points at Bait and says “I hate you bitch.” Then Bait goes to hug Perez and he tells her not to touch him. She hugs him anyway and he tells her “Bitch I am not joking, you are disgusting. Seriously. I mean it’s one thing to get angry and pull someone’s hair, its another thing to get angry, pull her hair, then kick her and gloat about it.” I almost felt sorry for her but then I remember she’s a waste of sperm. Suck it Bait.
Lastly Perez asks Tiff and Midget to hug it out and they do.
Part of me is sad. I really will miss these girls and hope they all go on to be better people for having been a part of BGC. And that none of them fire bomb my house. This recap was very late because I have had to make some tough decisions about my Mom and she is now living with me. My advice to all you ‘bad girls” out there. Stop sweating the small stuff. Life has a way of knocking the living shit out of you so enjoy the good parts and stop trying to find the bad. Believe me, it will find you all on its on so until it does, live, laugh and love! The Dr. Phil portion of this recap is now over lol.
One last thing. Besides my Mom I also have another recent addition to the family. We have been trying for days to name her when it suddenly hit me.
Thanks for reading me this season and I hope I gave you some laughs. I will miss interacting with you guys.
With love and big ass smooches,