Bad Girls Club: Off The Wall

It’s that time of year again kiddies! Bright colorful lights, red noses, silver wrist jewelry. Christmas you say? Nah, it’s time for the Bad Girls Club! Let’s see who gets snockered, arrested or generally injured in the mayhem that is the best show on tv!

As usual BGC starts off with bitches screaming, falling down drunk, fighting. Kinda like Christmas at my house. And as usual we have no clue who these people are as of yet.

After the credits roll we see this. Which gives me an immediate headache.

First girl up looks sweet enough. Until she speaks. She claims she can be your best friend or your worst enemy. And then they show her in cartoon form.

They give her the title “The Double Standard.” We are treated to scenes from her home life and she mutters some shit about change and how people say you can change and she says hell no you can’t. In other words she’s a bitch. She also cannot live without a guy.

Into the house she goes. Holy shit people. Oxygen has made some serious cash off this show cause DAMN! It’s huge. And it would be nice if it didn’t look like it had been decorated by Drunk Barbie. Seriously people, there are shoes on the walls as you walk in the front door. A chandelier that looks like a pinata. Otherwise it’s not bad. I’d live there. Around the house Kendra goes but she finds no one else. The upstairs is beautiful and outside is gorgeous and has a HUGE pool!

Although Kendra can’t seem to find anyone there are peoples luggage already there and someone has written Annie’s Cupboard on a cabinet. My guess would be that Annie wrote that. The booze has already been broken into and in the pool room all the girls cartoon pics are on the wall. And someone has used a magic marker to write on them. Kendra’s says “Too black.” Kendra ain’t pleased.

Arrival number 2. She tells us a real Bad Girl knows how to party, she loves the attention, the alcohol and to be loud and if you don’t like it you can “kiss her white ass.” That doesn’t make you a Bad Girl, it makes you an obnoxious alcoholic bitch.

She has been labeled “The Trash Talker.” She tells us that she knows a lot of people don’t like her but they probably don’t tell her that because she would react badly. In the house she goes and she introduces herself to Kendra. Amber’s first question is “Where’s the alcohol?” Kendra tells us that Amber seems sweet. Yeah you’ve known her for 3 seconds, I am sure you are right.

Off to the cartoon pics they go. Amber and Kendra both find the writing on their faces to be disrespectful and cannot figure out who would do such a thing. And then here we go again.

Ok so earlier in the day, ya know in case ya missed the big friggin sign, another girl comes into the house and immediately screeches “SHOES!” She tells us that if there is trouble to be found she will somehow find it.

She has been labeled “The Control freak.” She runs through the house screaming that she’s the first one and then she tells us that she loves plastic surgery. She’s had botox, rejuvaderm, I think that’s what she said and then she spouts off about 47 other things I didn’t understand and then tells us that she only got a half a syringe of that cause ya know, she ain’t crazy. Oh I think ya are. You are 25 and you have more alien products in you than Katie Holmes!

She runs around the house inside and out and then decides that she will go jump on her bed and that way everyone will know it’s hers.

Little Miss Crotch Shot tells us that people don’t think she’s evil but she really is. When she does a FaceBook Disney quiz, she’s always the villain. Oooohhhhhhh!

Next up is a girl who doesn’t have sense not to spill her alcohol while pouring it. And I want to say she’s pretty but her chin is four feet long so it kinda distracts from her overall cuteness.

She basically tells us she only dates guys who can do things for her. And they have labeled her “The Socialite”. She says she’s the life of the party and that her roommates need to know that it’s all about “me!” “Me me me me me!” She also says that there are no rules because she makes the rules.

Once inside Crazy Annie runs and screams to meet her. They immediately run to the picture wall. Batshit Natalie, aka Batalie immediately wants to write something and writes rockstar. How original. Then she asks Crazy Annie what she wrote and she says “Yay for today.” Batalie tells her that’s annoying.

Batalie wastes no time telling us how annoying Crazy Annie is. Cut to them sitting on the pool table and Crazy Annie saying “You are like Sporty Spice and I am like Baby Spice.” Pardon me, I have to barf. And I have now renamed Crazy Annie LooneySpice.

Batalie jumps back up with the marker and starts desecrating the other housemates faces. LooneySpice feebly protests that it’s mean.

Batalie tells us she is Brazillian, Puerto Rican and Black. She grew up around white kids so dark skinned girls never like her. Maybe it’s because YOU DRAW ON THEIR FACES!
Batalie tells LooneySpice that she is not scared of what the other girls will think and she will proudly tell them she wrote on their faces.

Back to Amber and Kendra saying how mean writing on their faces was and then asking each other where they each are from. Since Amber is from west Virginia this prompts North Carolina girl Kendra to ask her if she’s ever seen black people before………….excuse me………….hahahahahahahaha!!!!!!!!!!!!! No dear, they don’t make black people in WV. Inbreeding and such. Amber tells Kendra that not only has she seen the elusive black man, she has dated one!

Next dingbat to arrive tells us that she lost her virginity in a CHURCH. She just remembers looking up and seeing Jesus. Most likely it was the homeless dude who was taking shelter there and whacking it while he watched her be a ho but whateves.

They have labeled her “The Prima Donna”. She looks like a walking Barbie to me. And she makes a point of grabbing her melons and exclaiming that yes they are real. That’s like being in a hot car and screaming “I didn’t fart!” Yes you did and no they ain’t.

She tells us she needs lots of attention and is in therapy for it. When she walks into the kitchen Amber and Kendra are there to greet her. Amber takes the opportunity to tell us she doesn’t have any friends with fake boobs, hair extensions or false eyelashes. Uh who the hell are you friends with? Cats?

Amber and Kendra explain that the other girls have been there and written bad things on their pictures. Kate (Ho Barbie) tells us that girls are always jealous of her. She sees this as a good thing because it’s the biggest compliment you can get. I hope she has a therapy session scheduled this week.

Ok Batalie and LooneySpice are discussing food. LooneySpice tells her that grapes have 2 calories each. Batalie is all who cares? Then she asks LooneySpice if she likes girls with big asses. That would be a no. LooneySpice says she wants to be Mary Kate or whichever one the anorexic one is. Batalie just keeps repeating how annoying looneySpice is and that she will have to change her annoying ways if she is to live with her. Oh shit. Things have taken an intellectual turn. Batalie asks LooneySpice what books she likes to read and she actually said this.

I am so not kidding. Batalie’s response. “You are so annoying.” LooneySpice hopes more roommates show up soon because she needs a “buffer.”

We have a new arrival. And she’s just as sweet as the rest. She tells us if provoked she will fight.

She has been labeled “The Pistol.” She says and I quote,”I have a short fuse. Start pushing my buttons, step on a titty and I’m pissed off and whatever happens happens.” Ok first of all, if your titties are so long that someone can STEP on them then I suggest you get with LooneySpice and she can hook you up with a plastic surgeon. If however you are on the ground when someone steps on your titty then I suggest you learn how to fight so you won’t find your titty in a vulnerable position. Just a thought.

When Portia arrives Ho Barbie tells her how hot she is but then Kendra tells us that her first impression of Portia is that she has way too much make up on. That she has a small frame and she can probably take her. She then says she might be a ghetto broad and crazy, she just doesn’t know yet. What the hell happened to Hi how are you? Nice to meet you? Sheesh! She also says “At least my weave looks better than hers.”

Next up is some he’she that claims all the girls in the house will be following her. Because she has that power. Ok.

She has been labeled “The Enforcer.” I have labeled her Hulk Flogan. Cause damn, she’s a bit butchy. She is also a bit bi-polar because she says she’s not all about fighting she’s about having a good time and if these bitches get in her way there will be a problem. Okie dokie nutjob.

Outside we go to a boob feeling festival.

Then Amber decides she should show her blessings.

Hulk Flogan makes her way out to the pool and screams abound. It’s gonna be awesome y’all. Everyone’s gonna get along and love each other and learn from each other and ……….anyone buying that shit?

Ho Barbie takes this opportunity to tell us that Hulk Flogan is all butchy and tattooed and kinda biker chickish. In other words…eeeeew! They all walk back to the house leaving Kendra and Amber alone. Amber says she thinks Hulk Flogan is a lesbian. Kendra exclaims that maybe she’s bi-sexual. They both admit they like to kiss girls but Amber says “But I don’t want no girl licking my cooter!”

Portia, Ho Barbie, Hulk Flogan and everyone besides Batalie and LooneySpice are discussing the writing on the girls faces. And not happy. The five are all waiting on the other two.

Batalie and LooneySpice were discussing who would room where earlier that day. LooneySpice has enough sense to know she needs to get far far away from Batalie but Batalie wants her as a roommate so she can control her. Batalie says “If we can roshambo it I think we can be roommates. Ok the only think I know about roshambo is from South Park and thats where 2 dudes kick each other in the nuts until there’s only one dude still standing. Am I wrong?

Batalie then stalks LooneySpice all through the house while LooneySpice hides in the confessional and prays to become invisible.

Arguments ensue about clothing. Then Batalie grabs LooneySpice and drags her around. Poor thing needs to pee and Batalie tells her she can pee on the side of the road. LooneySpice screams “Who are you? That’s against the law!”

They finally get into the limo and LooneySpice offers Batalie diuretics. WTF?

The other five are out back discussing daddy issues. Seriously. Apparently they all have them. Shocker. Portia has decided that she and Hulk Flogan have a lot in common and will be very good friends. Aawwww! Then Portia decides that since LooneySpice isn’t there she will just take the bed that LooneySpice put her stuff on.

In the limo, Batalie is telling LooneySpice that no one will like her the way she likes her. Then they have more drunken chit chat about sleeping arrangements and boring boring boring.

Back at the mansion, Hulk Flogan tries to pole dance. Not pretty. She tells the other girls that every time she goes to a strip club she leaves with a stripper. Ho Barbie tells us that she and her boyfriend met at a strip club. She was talking a body shot off a stripper and it was love at first sight. I wonder if they will incorporate that story into their wedding vows?

When she announces she’s from Boston the girls want to know if she’s going to be telling everyone she’s from Boston all the time. She yells no that she is there to represent Boston in a classy way. Then she grabs Boston from last years pic and takes it outside and stomps it.

Lots of music plays after this and we see the girls running thru the house, writing on shit and just basically partying. In other words filler. Hulk Flogan says she likes girls and guys and if she can she will hook up with someone in the house.

Then we switch over to LooneySpice and Batalie walking towards a club. Batalie still won’t shut up about the two of them rooming together. Finally LooneySpice just picks up her dress and shows everyone her ass. Batalie yells for her not to do that cause ya know, she has morals.

Back at the house, the other skanks are going through Batalie’s belongings. Like her ID. You know the one she forgot to bring with her. Hulk Flogan is asked her opinion of Batalie’s looks and she basically says “Uh yeah, I don’t know.” Which in catty girl talk means she’s fug.

Over at The Saddle Ranch, Batalie is not being served because she forgot her ID.

More words go back and forth and Batalie promises to bring her ID tomorrow and or give the waitress a million dollars. The waitress/bartender implies that maybe Batalie doesn’t exactly have a million bucks and Batalie seems offended at this. Then said nutjob explains yet again that she runs L.A. and doesn’t need an I.D. After more words security shows up and for about half a nanosecond Batalie looks like she might keep it together and then she throws her Red Bull and they get kicked out.

Off to the next club. Batalie tells LooneySpice that she runs with the elite. She knows for a fact that Chris Brown is at Hyde. Does she want to meet him. LooneySpice has enough sense to say “Uh no thanks, he beat the crap outta his girlfriend.” Batalie, who I am now convinced is beyond batshit crazy says that Rhianna is a punk ass bitch and had it coming. Okie dokie.

So they end up at Area. Batalie keeps pointing out guys to LooneySpice and asking her if she wants him like she’s a freakin pimp. Then I see Batalie straddling this dude.

So then Batalie sets up a V.I.P. room. Then she calls back at the mansion to get the other girls to come out. After some retarded chit chat Batalie manages to say they are at Area and by this time Ho Barbie is on the phone and Amber walks by and hangs it up. Amber is pissed about who the hell knows what but decides that yes indeedy they will go to the club and she is going to say what she needs to say.

In the girls come and immediately it’s all about who wrote what and who said what and blah blah blah. Remember back when Batalie was writing the shit on the girls pics and said she wouldn’t be afraid to tell them she did it? Yeah well she seems to have forgotten that part. She’s all “Why you saying I wrote it?” Uh cause ya did! Oh hell. Batalie gets all crazy in Hulk Flogans face. Everybody is in everbody’s face and I am sick of all these bitches.

After all that nothing actually happens and they all decide to go and have some fun. Out of the V.I.P. room, the girls are dancing and having fun when outta nowhere (Oxygen plant) a girl grabs Portia’s weave and snatches the shit outta it. And it’s on. Fists, hair, arms,legs chaos!

In the limo ride home they all kinda bond. Until they get home and the little frail drunk ones realize they can’t get their luggage upstairs. This gives Batalie the perfect excuse to explain to them how weak and pathetic they are.

Upstairs LooneySpice has realized that Portia has taken her bed. Even though Portia admits LooneySpice had her things on it, she doesn’t give a shit and claims the bed as her own. Kendra jumps in and tries to say look bitch that shit ain’t right. Portia calls her “Captain Save A Ho.” I have to admit, I giggled. Portia is a bitch and she knew damn well that bed was taken but if LooneySpice won’t defend herself, screw it.

More yickity yack blah blah blah and sad face LooneySpice tells us that she now has to room with Batalie who is the last person she wanted to room with. No, dingbat, grow a pair and snatch Portia’s ass off the bed and tell the bitch to sleep anywhere but YOUR BED. But she didn’t do that so now she rooms with Batalie.

Ho Barbie decides she’s hungery and she also decides to eat her hot dog off the crotch of the art on the wall. Classy.

She then puts it in the bed with her and sticks it between her and LooneySpice and says they should have a threesome. Then they have a heart to heart about boobs and eating disorders. It seems Ho Barbie used to be 40 pounds heavier. Bossie Batalie comes in and is offended that they are discussing food when it’s time to go to sleep and she is also none too pleased that they took “Bob” off the wall and molested him.

Then LooneySpice makes the mistake of opening her suitcase that is filled with pre packaged food. Dr. prescribed stuff. An eating disorder maniac’s dream. Batalie starts screaming about how “We ain’t gonna be doing this in my room tonight.”

As Amber notices LooneySpice just sits on the floor and puts up with this ridiculous tirade that is none of Batalie’s business to begin with. So now Amber decides it’s her business to set Batalie straight and she follows her to the bathroom where this ensues.

Over and over these two go at each other while not exactly hitting each other. Just a lot of bumping and cussing and total stupidity.

Batalie claims she’s about to knock the bitch out but never does and I think they are both drunk off their asses and need to go to sleep and shut the fuck up.

Amber heads back to get more to drink and then cry to LooneySpice. Batalie goes outside to inform the others that this house is about her. She runs it. She tells us if the others don’t like it they can get the fuck out.

Well cuties, that’s all the lunacy I can take for this week. The first episode is usually kinda lame and all about just getting to know everyone’s names. After this one, I need a shower and a long ass nap!

Love and smooches,
Cherie