Bad Girls Club: Make A Run For The Border

Guess what Gasmi? I can breathe again! I’m still alive and ready to fight through another episode of crazy bitches. But enough about The Golden Girls, lets jump into the Bad Girls Club!

This week begins with the girls piling into a limo all gussied up. Tiff tells us they are going to see the premiere of a porno called Pirates II and she is excited y’all. Boston of course has to scream out “wicked excited” so that means we are less than a minute in and I’ve already rolled my eyes. Amber starts telling us, over scenes of Midget sucking a banana, that she has no respect for people who have sex on tv. Uhhhhh, exsqueeze me? Oh she means porno stars, for money. Not trashy little pimpled faced girls who boink stubby faced dudes on tv. Ok, gotcha.

Midget porn.

As they get out of the limo Jesse Jane comes running up and Tiff tells us that if she just saw her on the street she’s never know she was a porn star. Ok. I’m not an expert but I’m pretty sure she looks exactly like a porn star.

The girls walk the red carpet and are having a blast and smiling at the camera. Except for Trashley, she just keeps making fuck faces at the cameras. Probably auditioning. She tells us that she loves the cameras and she was made for the spotlight.

You know she practiced that shit in a mirror.

OMG they show a clip of some God awful crap, and then Tiff tells us that its actually a pretty good movie. That the scenes were acted good and the plots as well. So much so that she forgot it was a porno until the sex popped up. Ok I am not saying I have ever, ever seen a porno, (I have, but I’m not saying it) but have any of you ever sat there and said, wow what a great plot and that actor should get an Oscar! Shut up Tiff.

And the Oscar goes to…Pirate Fabio!

Afterwards the girls are being asked what they thought of the movie. Bait starts moaning and Trashley says that her panties are wet. Gross. Then they get asked to the after party. Oh joy.

Boston tells us it was kind of shocking and Amber says she doesn’t mind meeting Jesse Jane but she saw what she did with her fingers and her hands and she doesn’t want that to touch her. She’s drinking and running her mouth to Midget about how gross porn stars are and Midget has to tell her to shut it because they are at a party WITH A BUNCH OF PORN STARS! But Amber keeps yapping about having way to much respect for herself, her parents, the mailman to ever have sex on camera.

Ixnay on the ornpay arstays!

The giant sized Pirate Fabio walks up and the first thing Amber does is tries to pull his shirt up and open. And his pants. She apparently grabbed his peg leg. He thanks her as he walks away and Midget says “Sorry we molested you.”

Having respect for herself.

Back home the next day Amber is hung over and laying in the hammock. Trashley, Bait and Sarah decide to sneak up on her and shake the shit out of it. I’d puke on them. Back inside the smoke room where they always are, the coven wonders if they have any shaving cream so Bait can throw it in Amber’s face. Trashley tells us that they don’t hate the Amber’s right now, but they have to continue their tradition of playing pranks.

See, cooties are REAL!

Oh well slap me silly, the big prank involves spilling a coke and jumping on the counter and screaming that there is a rat. Midget comes flying into the room and see’s a big toothed rat on the counter and almost beats it to death with a broom before she realizes its actually Bait.

Ok actually Midget tries to say that the rat is more afraid of them but she is crawling across the table as she says it. Trashley needs to go wash her nasty ass feet and get her smelly ass off the counter. That’s gross people.

I’m gonna make a salad here later.

Cut to Midget calling a rat exterminator. Oh good Lord, she tells them that the rats are huge and they are chasing them around. LOL . Back to Tiff saying she’s not paying for an exterminator because there is no rat. Back to Midget wondering if after the rats are caught will they be killed. Yes they will. The Flatulent Five are ecstatic that their evil prank has worked so well.

Look y’all, it’s Mousekateer Tiffany!

Doorbell! It’s a big vase of white roses. Now who could they be for? Geezer Dude has sent them. Bait tells us she can’t be happy about them because they just remind her of all the other guys she’s kissed since being out there. Then a montage of Bait sucking face with gross dudes. Sarah wonders how Bait gets to sleep with Fazil and get roses from Kevin? Thank God the doorbell rings again cause I am seriously bored.

Wholesome girl next door.

It’s Jesse Jane! She is telling them that so many people were asking about them. And she’s so grateful to them for coming to her premiere that she is sending them all to Cancun! Screams abound!

Sarah tells us that this is dangerous because she’s been proud of herself for not having sex here but she doesn’t know if she can contain herself in Cancun. Tiff is excited because she’s never been out of the country before. Bait is about to pee herself and she’s asking Boston how excited she is. Boston looks like they just told her that they were out of chowder. Bait starts listing all the things that are great about this trip. Mostly alcohol and boys and Boston looks afraid of her.

This is Boston’s excited face.

Sarah goes to call Noah but when his service gets it she hangs up. She tells us she really likes him and wants to get to know him and not screw this up. She says she has an angel on one shoulder and a devil on the other. For this trip she says she’s taking the devil with her.

Bait keeps jumping up and down yelling that she’s going to have sex with random people in Mexico and Tiff tells us that Bait just strings Kevin along and its sad but she’s a grown ass woman and there isn’t anything she can do.

Old people are against the lawr in Cancun.

Boston and Tiff go to get take out and Tiff asks Boston about Cancun. Boston tells her its like Vegas only there are no old people. And of course it always comes back to the Amber’s. Boston says if the Ambuh’s start anything she will just walk away. Tiff says she ain’t fighting in Mexico cause you don’t fuck with the Mexican police. And once again Boston tells us she is “fucking wicked excited.”

Scenes of packing and getting ready. Boring shit. Don’t forget the condoms and vibrating cock rings. Tiff warns Mexico that the Bad Girls are coming to their beaches. I feel a little sorry for Mexico right now.

They arrive in Cancun and all is well. They go to Senor Frogs where they get special penis hats and they toast to each other. And there’s lots of drinking.

Billy O’Rourke from Sunsplash Tours shows up and informs them that they will be doing bikini contests. Trashley offers that she is a professional dancer so this will be no problem. Phew, I am sure that’s a load off his mind.

More drinking and laughing and a waiter comes and grabs Sarah and straps her to a thingy and pulls her upside down and shoots a hose at her.

When the locals hang you by your ankles and hose you down, you know you stink.

Uh oh. Boston knocks a drink over on Amber’s $400 purse and she is pissed. And she won’t shut up about it. Tour Dude Billy says “Let’s move on, material shmaterial. We’re here to get drunk.” He has a point. But she won’t shut it. Boston makes an actual point by telling us that accidents happen. And I’m agreeing with her. Anyone who would spend $400 on a freaking purse needs an ass kicking anyway. But that’s just me. I’m cheap.

Wah wah my purse!

Having said that if Amber had spilled the drink on Boston’s dirty little Coach bag she would’ve shit tiny little obnoxious acorns all over the place. I have no clue what that means but if it pops into my head I type it. Sue me.

They go to check in and Midget and Amber are at the front desk. Trashley and Boston are behind them making fun of them. Cut to Sarah saying to Amber that she is over the spilled shit. Midget says “You guys know how she is about her stuff.” Amber whines some more and they all start arguing. Mark this down folks, I am agreeing with the Flatulent Five. GET OVER IT!

That’s right, I agree with Sarah. God help me.

Finally they get to their suite and are all excited and screaming. And it is gorgeous. Outside Tiff and Sarah are laying on some chairs and Sarah says “Oh Tiff I forgot something at the mansion. My morals.” Haha. As if.

Midget and Amber decide to go exploring. Amber just wants to stay away from “them”. And PurseGate continues. Midget is pissed that they all jumped on Amber for being pissed about her purse. Amber says she can’t help it if “they” buy their purses from thrift stores. Midget is tired of the double standard and having to walk on eggshells around the other girls. I agree about the double standard but not about the stupid purse. It was an accident. Let it go. Midget predicts that they will get into a very big fight. So do I.

Must be potbelly season.

The next day some of the girls are in bikinis and Amber and Midget are dressed and off to do some more exploring. What I want to know, is when did the pot bellied look become normal?

Midget goes up to a massage booth and asks if they give “happy endings”. She’s strumming a tiny guitar. Midget tells us that its clear that the other girls don’t want them around so they will just have fun together. Then she spots a giant lizard. Amber thinks its a komodo dragon and Midget thinks it’s a crocodile. And she reaches down to pet it and screams and jumps and runs away.

That’s the ugliest cat I’ve ever seen.

Back at the beach. the Flatulent Five are doing what they always do. Talking about the Ambers. Boston doesn’t think the Ambers would be friends in the real world. Sarah says that some people were born to be famous and Amber was born to get the shit beat out of her. She says they are over the Ambers. Please, all you talk about is the Ambers! Shut it already.

Amber Amber Amber Amber Amber Amber Amber……..Amber.

Out in the water Bait finds a dead fish and assuming it fell out of her own crotch she grabs it. She starts moving it’s lips and saying, “I am Amber, welcome to the Amber Show.” They really cannot have a conversation without the Ambers can they?

Poor fish actually committed suicide.

The Ambers meanwhile are off accosting locals.

Me no habla skank.

They are interviewing one poor dude for the Amber Show. First question. How do you feel about condoms? He no habla english. Midget says “If you really like the girl do you poke holes in the condoms?” Blank stare. Then she hits him with some Spanish. “How do you feel being near a ring of vibrating rooster?” He has no clue. She says “Penis rings.” he says “Yeah.” The torture finally ends when he says he doesn’t use those.

Back to the beach we see dudes. Bait introduces them as the Fabulous Five. First dude walks past her and asks what their names are. Andres shakes hands with Sarah and then Boston. Sarah is mucho impressed. Yvan does the same and then Bait tells them to call their friends so they can go out with them. She says there are five fabulous ones and two that you don’t need to know.

I hope they’ve had their shots.

Trashley tells us that at first they didn’t impress her but she got closer and suddenly she and Sarah were on their shoulders playing topless chicken. I hate when that happens. There I’ll be at Wal-Mart and suddenly I am on a stockboys shoulders playing topless chicken with the butcher.

Twelve dolphins died from the skank slick.

Later the girls go out to eat and Midget says to us that she wants to try to talk to them and straighten all this crap out. Don’t do it Midget. It’s usless. Midget starts off by saying that when they were all getting ready she didn’t feel like the five of them were inviting she and Amber.

Good vs. E-Ville!

Midget says she did her own thing because she wasn”t going to kiss their ass. Sarah says she didn’t expect any ass kissing but that she was annoyed still about the purse thing. Amber tells her its over. Don’t be mad. Sarah gets mad that Amber said don’t get mad. And she tells her that their “friendship” is disposable. You know what isn’t disposable? Underwear, you should wash them occasionally. Amber says “Shouldn’t we try to..” but Sarah cuts her off with “I don’t want to.” Midget says “Why are you guys acting like that with me too if it’s just her?” Sarah says because we are big whiny bitches and thats how we roll.

Blah blah blah fucking blah.

Actually she says its because Midget is always defending Amber. Tiff jumps in and says that they were talking shit and they need to stand up and be woman and say it to their faces. You first bitch. Midget is pissed. Boston tells us that Midget has grown a pair and is getting loud and she needs to shut it. She tells the table that she’s tired of the whole thing and they all need to shut up or she won’t speak to any of them at all for the rest of the trip. I’d give her $100 to never speak again. Nevermind, I’d PAY someone $100 to duct tape her mouth.

Seriously in need of duct tape.

Midget continues by saying she didn’t say anything bad about any one of them and Tiff tells her she better think some more. Midget says “You need to know that’s not how I feel.” and Tiff says “No you need to know that I am a smart ass bitch and I don’t need to know nothing, watch your mouth.” Oh I see, we aren’t in Cancun, we are in TiffWorld again. Let me get that rulebook. Midget says she hasn’t got anything to say but that they sure do make her feel like it sometimes. Tiff says “Go on then cause I got something ten times stronger. I will cut y’all up and out and y’all will never see it again and send ya back home crying.” Oh great I’m gonna need my jibberish handbook too.

I’ll cut it off and in and up and on and mail it to Santa and you’ll cry. Word.

Amber tells us that she can’t believe what Tiff is saying and she doesn’t get why they are so angry at them. Midget tells Boston and Bait, (Sarah, Trashley and Tiff left) that she isn’t going to apologize for shit she didn’t say. Boston tells her not to lecture to her face. Bait screeches “You are gonna get your ass beat!” Shut up you beaver toothed maggot.

Later Midget is still pissed and she tells Amber that its ridiculous and she hasn’t said all that shit. Amber says they are worthless. And dead to her. Midget tells us that she feels like she has tried to reach out and explain herself to them and they just want to gang up on her and she’s over it.

Tiff, meanwhile is telling Bait, Trashley, Sarah and Boston that “Cookie have an attitude problem. She get tough. She get tough to somebody that’ll throw her around like a rag doll.” Tiff tells us that the tension is building and you can feel it. She is ready for them to crack. I’m ready for your ridiculous ass to be off my screen.

Bad Bad TiffRoy Clown.

Later, the FF are STILL talking about the Ambers. Bait says “I don’t think they think you are serious.” Tiff says “Well they are really fucked up in their head. They pissed me off today.” And? How does that distinguish this from any other day nutjob?

Bait decides she’s gonna take some of the Amber’s shit and throw it off the balcony. She tells us that the Amber’s are shocked that they’ve offended the Flatulent Five and she could care less. She goes digging in Midget’s suitcase and if it were my suitcase I’d cut her nasty little booger picking fingers off and shove them up her ass. But that’s just me.

Where the hell is a hurricane when you need one?

Bait takes the suit top and throws it over the balcony. Tiff says she was going to tell her not to but she just doesn’t care. Too bad a big wind didn’t catch her teeth and blow her ass off too.

Midget is telling Amber that she only has so much of a fuse. Amber tells her not to control it. Midget says its hard to control especially with all of them drinking. They go upstairs and outside and ask Tiff if she will take a picture of them. Tiff says she’s kinda mad at them right now so no. Midget says “The feelings mutual.” Tiff says “So why you talking bout it then?” Midget says fine they will go off and have fun. She tells us she knows somethings brewing.

Later they all head out to Carlos & Charlies. Bait tells us they are all together and she wonders if they will get along. I wonder how long it would take you to drown if I was holding you under water. oops. Did I type that out loud?

I’m guessing maybe 2-3 minutes tops.

There’s lots of drinking, dancing, kissing random strangers. So far so good. They go from place to place and wander out into the street where they see Frog Dude. Also known as Billy O’Rourke from Sunsplash Tours. They basically tackle his ass.

Off they go to Daddy-O’s for a wet body contest. Sarah tells us that she, Bait, Trashley and the Amber’s will be competing. She also tells us she’s never lost a bathing suit competition in her life. Or taken an actual shower with soap.

Sarah is up first. She does her trademark squiggly assed thing. Trashley comes out next and looks like she’s taking a poo.

Bait, Midget and Amber don’t place. Midget tells us that Sarah and Trashley place in the contest and she isn’t too impressed that she didn’t win. Some chick from Mexico comes out to perform and we see this.

So Trashley and Sarah decide that they will make out onstage so they can beat the other girl. Some security dude goes to pull them apart.

Announcer dude is trying to announce the winner but Boston won’t shut the hell up and keeps yelling “We are number one all the time!” Causing all the girls to start yelling “Number ONE!” Causing Announcer Dude to yell, Escuse me, Escuse me! Then we see the back of Tiffs head as she is yelling at the dude and he yells for her to shut up! Tiff says “No you shut up.” He says “Silence!”

He points to Sarah and says “Contestant number one.” and some people yell and clap and Sarah swings her saggies all around.

Then “Contestant number 2.” and Trashley tries to get her cement boobs to move. Some screams and clapping.

Then “Contestant number 3.” And the whole place goes nuts. She’s a local. Contestant number 3 wins! And Sarah does this.

Sarah is pissed. Trashley is pissed. For some reason Tiff is more pissed than anyone. Announcer Dude says not to blame him, it wasn’t his decision. Then he and Tiff start going at it and Tiff says someone threw shit onstage from behind her and Announcer Dude told her to “Shut up and stop throwing shit.” Tiff is offended and wants an apology. And she yells for Announcer Dude to get off the stage. And we see this shit.

And this..

And she grabs Announcer Dude’s crotch.

Then she walks over to the girls and somehow starts yelling at Sarah….

She keeps screaming and snot is running down her mouth and she says she is “going to fuck him up!” She has lost her mind and keeps screaming that she didn’t throw shit.

Wipe your nose you nasty bitch!

Meanwhile Trashley can’t get over losing and is announcing that if they were in Seattle or Beverly Hills she would win. Stuff a sock in it skank. No one cares.

Then we see Midget dancing on a pole. She tells us she’s really drunk and not really paying attention and I see where this is going already. Someone has offended Tiff in TiffWorld and so no one else is allowed to have fun. And Midget is having fun.

Happily unaware in Midgetland.

Back to Tiff screaming “nothing is gonna stand in my way. I’ll fuck him up.” and Boston’s stupid ass saying “I will be right behind you.” Sarah tells us that Tiff is pissed at Announcer Dude. Trashley is pissed because she lost and that Midget is off in her own little world dancing and everyone is annoyed with each other. So Boston gets a wild hair up her ass and jumps onstage looking for Announcer dude. She is demanding an apology for her girl. Are you kidding me? She tells us that she is the backbone of the group and if she doesn’t stand up no one will. Okie dokie whackadoo.

It’s all Midget’s fault!

Meanwhile Midget is still dancing away. Boston goes and kisses Tiff’s ass and tells her she went and gave that guy what fer cause that’s how much she loves her. Tiff tells us that the Fab Five protect each other and the Amber’s have no idea cause they only have each other. Did I miss something? What the hell did any of that have to do with the Amber’s?

Coming soon to a nuthouse near you.

Here comes Bait to follow right along and start yelling at Amber that they “have each others backs so where is her friend? She’s inside dancing and singing and you look like an idiot.” Amber tells us that Bait and the Fake Five are full of shit and she just wants to get the hell out of there.

Huh?

Midget staggers out and says “Fuck this. Fuck them bitches.” And Boston immediately yells at her that she was dancing with everybody in there when she cussed them out. Midget’s all “Huh?” They all start shouting at her and Billy O’Rourke tells them they either leave or go to jail. As they are trying to leave Bait yells at Midget “Suck it! I will knock your ass out.” Again, did I miss something? What the hell is Bait even pissed about? She didn’t have one single thing to say when Announcer Dude was yelling at Tiff but suddenly Midget’s the bad guy?

Outside Midget tries to yell at Bait. Boston steps in and says no. Trashley, Boston and Bait are all up in Midget’s face. Midget says “if any of you bitches touch me..” and one of them denies they are going to touch her yet Boston, being the pussy assed bitch she is, grabs Midget by her hair. And it’s on.

Bait takes this opportunity to get in a sucker punch in the form of hair pulling also.

Sarah is holding Bait back. That way she doesn’t have to get involved and Bait can act like she’s having to be held pack. Trashley is in the middle trying to get them to stop and so is Tiff. Amber is being useless as usual. I just fell off my exercise ball. I think my arm is broken but hell I can type one handed. They break apart and Midget lashes out at Boston and so Bait and Tiff jump at her.

Midget says “Get these bitches away from me.” all the while Bait is yelling for her to shut up and for some reason Tiff decides its her turn to jump on Midget.

Tiff kind of jerk swings and Midget swings back. Tiff slaps at her and Boston jumps back in blocking my view. While Boston has Midget again Tiff tries to sneak in some blows from underneath. And then suddenly Midget is on the ground.

Don’t ya just love how all these so called bad bitches can’t fight a fight on their own for anything. It took Boston and Tiff to get Midget down? Seriously? She’s like 4 feet tall for fucksake! And thats where they end it! OH HELL NO! WTF? Come back! I need to know what happens dammit!

Previews suggest that the police get involved and I really hope there is a jail cell involved as well. Oh look, also from previews it looks like Tiff ain’t so bad when the cops get involved since she’s crying like a bitch. Shit I’m going to have to run around the block now!

So are you guys as worked up as I am? Can anyone explain to me why this even became about Midget? When did Boston become Tiff’s lapdog and when did Tiff become so completely ridiculous as a human being? That is some serious chicken shit punk ass behavior.

Until next week folks, big frustrated smooches!

Cherie