Bad Girls Club: Who Is This Bitch?

This week on the Bad Girls Club…Boston loses her shit over gummi bears, Geezer Bait wants to bang a fossil, Sarah pees on a tree and the new girl Ashley arrives. Oh yeah, and The Amber’s are to blame for everything. Here we go!
We start off where we left off last week with Tiff and the others losing their shit because a new girls picture is up where Kayla’s used to be. Geezer Bait rips it off the wall and throws it to the ground. Tiff keeps screaming” who is this bitch?” Boston takes the picture and throws it outside.

Tiff goes and gets the picture so she can see what new girl looks like. Tiff tells us she is angry because this is “their” house. And the other girls have earned their spots there
and she has bonded with them. Did I miss an episode? “Earned their spots”??? Hello y’all came in the same way she’s coming in! WTF?

Outside Boston decides this new girl must die and starts tearing the picture apart. They take turns throwing it and breaking it and seem quite proud of themselves.Then Boston tells us that this girl better watch out because she’s gonna be living with two city girls and if she tries to pull anything over their eyes she’s got it coming for her. Ooohhh I’m a skeerd y’all.

Back inside Midget wants to get a peek at the new girl and tries to piece her picture back together. The other girls are screaming some shit about blah blah bitch, hate her, who does she think she is….Sarah decides that this new bitch thinks she’s her. And Geezer Bait starts hopping up and down screaming “She isn’t me! She isn’t Sarah!”
Wow, don’t ya hate when you have fights with people when you aren’t even there.

Sarah tells us that she is not receptive to this new girl. At all. No shit? Again with the “This is our house and I don’t think she deserves to be here.” By the way what the fuck has she got on her head? Discuss.

Midget is looking at the other nutbags and not saying much. Tiff recognizes her silence as she’s not jumping on the bandwagon of crazy and calls her on it. Midget tells her she’s not going to hate on the new girl until she meets her and has reason to hate her. What a fucking concept! By the way, when did Midget become the voice of reason?

Who’d a thunk it?

Midget tells us she thinks the other girls are threatened by new girl and she doesn’t get it. So then Midget decides to be funny and say that the new girl is gonna come in the house with gummi bears and throw them at their breasts. This of course sends Boston straight to Nuttyville and Boston proclaims that Midget is “an instigator. See what she does?” Oh lighten up dingbat. As Midget is starting Gummi Bear Gate The Sequel, Tiff has jumped aboard the Nuttyville Express and says the new girl will get her ass fucked up if she throws gummi bears at her. AM I DRUNK? Who knew gummy bears were such shit starters. Little fuckers.

Die you chewy little bastard!

Boston keeps ranting in her own special way. And then we hear it. Yep. Midget’s drunk ass tried to shove a gummi bear up her blistered fucking nose and blah blah blah!

Boston says she doesn’t think she can even be in the same room as Midget. Damn you gummi bears! Finally Midget gets fed up with Boston and screams at her ass to leave the room if she’s so sick of her. Boston counters with “Why should I have to leave?” Uh because YOU are the one with a gummi bear up your ass? Midget finally shows some anger and screams at Boston “Because I am sitting here!” Haha. Hit her with another gummi bear. Please.

Boston is impressed that Midget can scream and says “Wow you can’t take the trailer park outta the girl.” Oh Boston, if anyone screams trailer park, it’s you. Now go eat some gummi bears you psychotic bitch weed.

After Midget leaves Tiff starts talking about how when the new girl arrives the house is going to divide because the Amber’s will be nice to her. TIFF! Come away from the dark side! WTF is happening to my Tiff?

The next morning after Amber has awakened from her alcohol coma of the night before, she notices a giant bruise on Midget’s arm. And asks about it. In front of Boston.

Gummi bear violence is never okay.

Boston starts explaining how it was all Midget’s fault and basically the bitch had it coming. Midget says it bothers her that Boston’s crazy switch is flipped so easily and Boston turns it around and says no Midget just keeps poking and jabbing at her until she can’t take it anymore. Oh I get it now, Boston’s my ex-husband.

Hey bitch go make me a pie!

They start telling Amber what went on the night before with the new girls picture. Amber’s pissed because she wants to see. Only she can’t because its been shredded. Midget says she’s gorgeous and she’d fuck her. She then tells Amber that Geezer Bait lost her shit because someone said she looks like Sarah and Geezer Bait. Midget wants to wait until the girl arrives and then announce she’s much prettier than either of them. LOL. Amber starts quivering and begs her not too because it would start a war. Party pooper!

If by “man” you mean stubfaced tard, ok.

Telephone! It’s Amber’s gay friend Stubface. Oh I am sorry I mean Manfriend. He’s calling to apologize for being a douche and says he’s almost moved out of his beard’s girlfriends house now so he would like it if he could come over and get laid on national tv again. Amber says sure!

Later the girls are at dinner and Geezer Bait wants to know whats up with Stubface. Amber blathers on about he apologized and blah blah blah. Boston says “What did I tell you Sarah”. Yeah you are a real psychic there Boston. Who could have seen that coming. Besides everybody. Have a gummi bear and shut the fuck up.

Boston tells us that if Amber wants to date fourth graders on steroids with really bad haircuts go for it. Amber tells the girls “I promise I am not being set up but if Kevin has any younger male friends, send them over.” And at the mention of Geezer Dude’s name Geezer Bait gets this look on her face.

Is she…….?

Man I hope they brought extra diapers.

Ok last time. Pinky swear!

Anyway Amber mumbles something about marrying or blowing or something any dude that Geezer Dude knows and then she asks Geezer Bait how old Geezer Dude really is. SILENCE. And then “I don’t want to talk about it.” I don’t blame ya. That dude’s gross. And as was pointed out to me by Lady_Ace, he has shriveled, old, stinky, geezer balls.

Later back at the house Geezer Dude shows up. Oh joy. Oh freakin gross! Ick and Ickier are laying in the bed. Ick asks Ickier if he’s gonna spend the night. He says no, not on a school night. WHAT? Are you telling me that dude is a teacher? Well if that ain’t an ad for home schooling I don’t know what is!

Teacher + Student = GROSS!

He continues to tell her that he can’t stay over because they don’t go to bed early enough for him. And then she says that if he were to give her a reason to come to bed early she would. Pardon me….

Much better. She continues to tell us that she is sexually deprived and Geezer Dude is boring and if she doesn’t get laid soon she’s gonna die. Basically. She tells him that “We haven’t had any male interaction in a long time” and he tells her that it can’t be all physical. There has to be some emotion involved. That means he forgot his viagra. And then someone farts and they giggle. I’m so gonna need therapy.

The next day the phone rings and Geezer Bait answers. It’s the new room mate! They trade names and Geezer Bait calls the other girls in. Her name is Ashley. Geezer Bait tells her her name and Ashely thinks she said Leah. She is corrected! Ashely tells AH-Leah that she likes her name. So far so good. She seems nice.

Ya betteh not have any gummi beahs!

Boston comes running in and grabs the phone. And she looks a mess. She greets Ashley with “What’s up bitch?” Ashley is from Seattle and she’ll be there in about 5 minutes and tells Boston they better get ready. Boston gets her boxers in a wad and screeches “I better get ready? Peace out!” And she slams the phone down and announces the girl is a bitch. The idiot brigade decides that they are going to lock all the doors so she can’t get in. Brilliant!

And if we close our eyes she won’t be able to see us!

So they run around and lock all the doors. The limo is shown and we see her boots. And then she speaks. She says “These bitches better watch out”. And she goes on to say how every where she goes she makes a grand entrance and everybody stares. She says she doesn’t need to speak to be a badass. She walks into a room and you just see it. That should have gotten on my nerves but since she’s already managed to piss off most of the house, I’m kinda loving her.

The limo driver tells her good luck that she is gonna need it. LOL. As she gets out of the limo we get a small peek at her. The girls are all hiding behind curtains and staring and one of them, Sarah I think says “Eew she’s UGLY!” Which of course means she’s probably gorgeous. Geezer Bait starts yelling “Check out those boots ladies!” As she gets to the locked door, the green eyed monsters are on the balcony.

Knock knock!

Satan’s Welcome Wagon.

Ashley, 21 from Seattle is labeled The Femme Fetale. She tells us that if anyone gets in the way of her having fun she will handle it with this or this. Pointing to her head and then her birdie finger. She tells us that girls want to be her. Again that should have gotten on my nerves but somehow I’m just giggling.

She keeps knocking on the door while the girls make cracks at her and tell her she’ll have to figure it out on her own like they did. I hope she busts a window out too. Even Amber chimes in with something about her being in Hillbilly Heaven and wearing flannel. I believe she’s wearing plaid but whateve’s.

On and on it goes. Tiff tells her she’s a bad girl figure it out and Ashley says” Yeah I’m a bad girl but I’m too pretty to bust out a window so..” Hahahaha! Oh AMBER, I think someone is referring to you! She tells them “It’s ok I’d be scared too.” And Sarah says “There’s six of us honey!” and then Tiff slaps the window and says “ugly bitch.” She asks them how she’s supposed to get in and Boston says “When ya figure it out let us know. I think ya should take ya attitude and adjust it.” Ashely tells us these girls want to eat her alive. She wonders what she’s gotten herself into.

Peek-a-boo bitches!

Around the back she goes and walks right into the smoke room thru an unlocked door. She politely says hello and is met with stares of the undead. Midget says hi. She seems to be the only bitch in the house with manners.

That finger was just in her nose.

Sarah tells us “Oh my God she wants to be a Barbie doll”. Midget immediately asks her how big her boobs are and then gets up to feel them. And she lets her. Midget tells us that she’s a cute girl and she has big boobs and the other girls don’t want anyone in the house that’s prettier than they are.

Ashley says her name again and Boston says “Oh I thought you said Trashley on the phone.” Oh wow what a knee slapper that is! Twit. Haha Ashley tells her she should clean out her ears. She asks what the last girl did to get kicked out. Silence. Boston asks her how old she is. 21. Tiff asks her if she’s nervous and she says “Yeah right.”

Blessedly Midget takes her to show her around. She asks where her room will be and Midget says they haven’t decided but the others would like her to sleep under the table. LOL. Ashley tells us basically she’s used to being around judgemental bitches. No biggie.

Of course as soon as she leaves the room the shit starter that is Geezer bait says “She just told you to clean out your damn ears!” Yeah how dare she after Boston called her Trashley in such an innocent freakin way! Ugh. Boston says she has an attitude about her but that inside she is scared as hell. Yeah she’s just a quivering Boston. Crackhead.

Upstairs Midget is telling Ashely that her advice is to trust no one. Ashley doesn’t get all the drama and just wants to have a good time. She tells us that Midget is a doll.

Meanwhile the trolls are still yapping about her. Geezer Bait says that she just knows they are up there talking about them. That Midget will be telling all their business. Tiff says she guarantees Midget will tell her about Kevin. And Sarah says “Yeah about how old he is.”

Close your legs, the flies are getting out.

Geezer Bait tells us that she didn’t know that Midget talked about her and Geezer Dude. Uh, hello? EVERYBODY DOES! She says the Ambers will get Ashley on their side because she’s very impressionable. Yeah, I wonder why on earth she would choose Midget over you cackling fishwives?

Next we see the Ambers and Ashley leaving. In the car Midget tries to explain why the other are being fucktards. She tells her that Kayla just left and maybe they feel they need to prove themselves. Ashely says Geezer Bait seems like she just blabs crap. Amber tells her she doesn’t like her and that the others aren’t really fond of either Amber. They bond. Then Amber tells Ashley about Geezer Dude. And she cracks up. Amber tells her she claims he’s 40 but he’s probably more like 55.

40 my ass.

Ashely tells us that there is a definite division in the house and that the Amber’s are more on the nice side and the others are more badass. That’s a polite way of saying they are hideous bitches.

Later that night they all decide to “take the bitch out and show her a good time.” They start dancing and drinking. All seems well at first. Then we see this.

And this..

TiffMonster is not amused.

Midget is dancing with Ashley whose boobs keep trying to escape. So Midget helps gather them back up.

Put those things away before someone gets hurt!

The other girls look like someone pooped in their drinks.

Ashely tells us she’s having fun with the Midget but that the other four are off at their own table basically pouting. Boston tells us that Midget is up Ashley’s ass because she wants a new friend and she has no friends. No crackhead, she’s being nice and having fun. You should try it sometime.

Uh oh. Sarah smells meat. Gross. She’s talking to a hedgehog and she just had him smell her armpit. I usually just say hello but whatever works. Sarah tells us that Noah is just her type. He has 27 tattoos, a mohawk, a badass attitude. Yeah and you could scrape the mud off your shoes on his head.

Bend down I have some gum stuck to my shoe.

Well looky there it seems Geezer Bait has found a playmate too. And he’s not a member of the AARP. She tells Tiff that he told her that he’s never looked at an Asian as much as he’s looking at her. Then she tells us that he seems so in to her and that never happens. Oh my God could she have less self esteem? His name is Fazil. Oh I get it! She thought he said his name was Fossil and she was instantly attracted!

She tells Fazil that her boyfriend is 40 and he cracks up. Then she tells us that she doesn’t want anything to do with Kevin tonight and she just really hopes she gets laid.
Meanwhile Sarah is about to burn Noah’s face off with her cig.

So not sexy.

Sarah tells us that she wants to fuck him. She has “sniffed him out like a puppy and then you pee on the tree. I want to pee on his tree!” I’m gonna be sick again. Pee on his tree? R. Kelly would love her ass.

Meanwhile Geezer Bait is trying to be sexy with Fazil but she just looks stupid.

I like to lick really old dusty things.

She asks him what’s she gonna say to her guy and he wonders what he’s gonna say to his girl. Uh, how about we are gross and we fuck anything that moves, sorry. Geezer Bait tells us she just wants to have fun, kiss boys, get drunk and she doesn’t care who she hurts. I almost feel sorry for Geezer Dude. Almost.

Thankfully it’s the next day and Sarah is telling Geezer Bait that she was drunk and made out with a dude named Fazil last night. Geezer Bait denies this. She would never! Tiff tells her she did so. She straddled him and bounced up on him right before they were getting ready to leave. Tiff tells us that Geezer Bait is with Geezer Dude because he’s stable but that she needs to be with a younger dude who doesn’t have cobwebs in his drawers. Geezer Bait thinks she should tell Geezer Dude about Fazil but Sarah tells her not too.

Later Bait and Boston are talking about Midget. Boston says “At this current time I feel the most pinpointed by her little jokes.” Oh for Christsakes! Boston warns for the 190th time that she’s gonna snap and hit her. Bait doesn’t want her to have to leave because of Midget but says “If you’re gonna go home, go home with a bang!” That statement coming from a former mental patient can’t be good.

Cut to Midget, Amber and Ashley in the car. They are talking about the others being jealous and Ashley says she thinks they will try to be nice to her to get her on their side. Midget says she is not asking her to choose side because she’s off in her own little world all the time anyway. She says she thinks the others are trying to cause a division. I’d say she’s right. And I don’t get it. Especially Tiff. The others being retarded is expected. Not my beloved Tiff.

So they all arrive at some place for lunch and right off the bat Geezer Bait has a problem with the table Midget chose. She yells that its not big enough for all of them. The two groups go to separate tables.

The happy table.

The bite me table.

Ashely is pissed that the other girls wouldn’t come over there and she says they are forcing her to pick sides. Suddenly they see someone named Joey and shout out to him. Holy crap it’s Joey from Real World Hollywood! I figured he’d be dead by now. Ashley tells us that other than “The Rock” he is her biggest crush and she just has to talk to him and that he will love her. And she goes up to him.

Meanwhile at the table of doom.

Ashley asks him to sign her ass. Joey is impressed and tells Ashley she is sexy. They chit chat a little and he promises to meet them out later that night. Ashley tells us she gave him the house number, mission accomplished.

Boston tells the other Debbie Downers that “he could just have a penis and they would hit on him.” Once in the car the coven start yapping. Tiff say’s Midget is the little ring leader of that patch. Why is she so pissed? Sarah says they need a nickname for them and they should call them the Tricklets. Because a trick is a whore and the “lets” is for triplets. Hey stupid. A trick is the dude paying for it, not the one providing it. Either way your nickname is stupid. They call themselves the Fab Four. Yeah you look just like the Beatles. If the Beatles were bitter, jealous hags.

The Dung Beatles.

Back at home Geezer Dude is on the phone. He wants to come kiss Geezer Bait. She says ok like he just asked her to wax his balls. She runs to Boston and tells her he’s coming over. She tells us that Geezer Dude is good for her and she really likes him but she’s just going to have to see how it goes.

Joey’s on the phone! Ashley runs to answer and has apparently forgotten something.

Peep Show Barbie.

They make plans to meet up later and she skips out of the room. Cut to Amber opening the door. To Stubface. It seems she won’t be joining the others as she will be staying at home blowing entertaining her guest. She tells us she is giving him a second chance and choosing to believe he is telling her the truth. Oh yeah, and she’s too stupid to live.

The others get ready and leave for the nightclub. And then we are treated to this.

That strap on came in handy after all.

And the whole time Stubface is bitching about how her bony ass is sticking him and she isn’t even rubbing him right. She laughs like he said something clever. Then he asks her if she wants him to do push ups with her on him. Wow do the joys of stubface never end?

At the nightclub Ashley meets up with Joey. She tells us he’s her perfect guy. They ask each other the normal questions. Are you single? Yes. Then Sarah tells us that she see’s Ashley “literally throwing herself at Joey and its absolutely ridiculous.” Yeah that’s so pathetic. Nothing at all like that tree peeing thing you did. Jealous much? She tells us that Joey will sleep with anything with a pulse and the pulse is optional. Yet he hasn’t slept with you. Ouch. since Sarah will sleep with anything that looks like it doesn’t bathe I think she should not be so quick to judge one’s standards. In other words, shut it skank.

Bathing optional.

More flirting and dancing and then Fazil and Noah show up. Geezer Bait tells us she is balancing out Fazil and Geezer Dude with the greatest of ease right now. She tells us this is her deal and she can handle it, its not like she hasn’t done it before. She’s a proud skank. Aww.

Everyone piles into the limo and goes back to the house.

Pulse optional.

Back at the house, Ashley tells Sarah, Tiff, Boston and Geezer Bait that she is not choosing sides. They tell her there is no reason to have to choose. That this division was not caused by them. Oh no, it was The Amber’s! Sarah says “They made their bed and now they are lying in it and they are not happy about it.” Wow, that some serious rewriting of history right there folks. Midget comes into the room. Tiff says to Ashley that she can say one thing about her, she’s a hard ass partier and she likes that. And Midget, haha, sweet innocent Midget says “So you guys are alright with giving her a chance?”

Busted!

That causes a firestorm of we never said we weren’t going to give her a chance! Oh really? Let’s see, ya called her an ugly bitch, locked her out of the house, tore her picture to shreds…my mistake. That must have been code for “Come here sweety, welcome to our home.” Midget of course is all, excuse the fuck outta me!

Seriously WTF?

She reminds them of their picture destroying and Tiff says we don’t have a problem with Ashley, we have a problem with you! Oh Tiff, you disappoint me so. Midget called you and the other witches on your crap and you can’t deal. Come back to me Tiff!
They accuse her of filling the new girls head with crap and she tells them they are tripping. Uh why would she need to fill that girls head with anything? Midget is being told by Tiff that she caused the divison. Midget loses it and says “I don’t care!” and floppy tits yells “And that’s the problem. You don’t care!”

Global Warming, Homelessness, The Economy, all Midgets fault.

Meanwhile Ashley has sneaked outta the snake pit and joins Joey up in her bedroom.

The others keep ranting at Midget and Sarah tells her she’s tired of “The Amber Show” and she’d rather Kayla be in the house than her. Don’t you have some disease laden hobo to bang? Get off my screen bitch!

Midget goes upstairs and tells Amber and Stubface that maybe they need to tone it down a little because the hag patrol is getting their barbed wired undies in a tangle. Stubface mutters something about “The Greg Show”. No dude that was canceled due to overwhelming douchness. Amber tells us basically screw them harpies, she has fun with Midget and if a separation happens, then so be it. Most sense she has made all season.

The Amber’s decide they need to fuck with Joey and Ashley a little. In other words, Midget’s bored. So they go outside and start dragging the big ass statue of David into the house.

They somehow manage to get the thing up the stairs and they take it into Ashleys room and lean it at the bottom of the bed. Since I saw Joey’s temper on The Real World I am frankly afraid for Midget. Ashley says they are trying to sleep and she has the same worry that I do.

I don’t care how drunk he is, that’s gonna hurt.

Midget meanwhile is laughing her ass off and taking pictures and nobody gets killed.

Say cheese!

The next morning Joey says it felt really good to get the statue of David up his butt this morning. Then he tells Ashley how hot she looks in the morning and how a lot of girls look hideous.

Exhibit A.

They say goodbye and Ashley says she has had a crush on him forever but she isn’t going to take him too seriously just yet. She thinks he may have a girlfriend.

I’ll mail you your tongue back!

Back inside Geezer Bait wants to know if they “did it”. Ashley says no but they did everything else. Sarah and Geezer Bait tell her to be careful, because he’s Joey. Ashley tells us that the girls are fighting over her and she didn’t have to do shit to cause it. LOL.

Later Geezer Bait is having a trauma. Should she be with Fazil or Geezer Dude? Sarah tells us that Geezer Bait isn’t “technically cheating” she’s “cheating-ish”. And she does the air quote thing that I hate.

That’s what ya get for whacking dudes with both hands.

Geezer Bait weighs the pro’s and cons of each and then she says that Geezer Dude “brings me Skittles.” I know I promised not to do the poopy diaper thing again, but I think that calls for one more. I’ll save for the next recap. She keeps trying to decide between the two.

It’s a regular Sophie’s Choice.

And then Geezer Bait tells us she knows she gonna hurt Kevin and she needs to tell him. And the weirdest shit occurs. She goes to the phone, dials the number, then proceeds to hang up every time Geezer Dude answers. Over and over again. In between she reads a pamphlet. And yawns. And rubs her face.

Is your refrigerator running?

She finally speaks to him when he answers and she’s all pathetic and low voiced. She starts trying to tell him she’s a skank and he tells her that as long as she’s not kissing some guy he doesn’t care who she talks to. And she laughs. He isn’t amused and says if she wants him to stay away he will. Geezer Bait tells us she doesn’t understand why this is happening to her. Why God why? Hey dingbat, its not “happening” to you. You are choosing it!

In the kitchen Midget has gotten Boston a gift. It’s a carrying case full of…Gummi Bears! LOL. She tells Boston that this way if she gets mad at her, Boston can throw Gummi Bears at her. And Boston actually laughs! So does Tiff! aww things will get back to normal now right? Midget tells us she’s trying to stop pissing everyone off and apologize. Boston tells us that she’s trying to keep her composure and get along..”but that’s not gonna happen.”

Gummi Bear Love

Ashley is on the phone with her friend and she’s telling her how the girls are fighting over her. She says the blondes are the nice ones and the others are badasses who think the blondes are trying to turn her against them. She says its the blondes who are saying you don’t have to choose. She tells us that they can all run around like chickens with their fuckin’ heads cut off but that none of them are close to her and she is just laughing her ass off.

Kinda bitchy. I like her.

The girls decide to have a casino night. Some dudes come over and deck the place out just like a casino.

The girls prepare food and then all dolled up for the nights events. Geezer Bait is still upset about the Geezer Dude/Fazil situation. Downstairs the girls have started the party.

While upstairs Geezer Bait is whining to Boston about what a bad person she is and she loves Geezer Dude and wah wah wah. And Geezer Dude shows up.

Who wants Skittles?

She’s trying to apply make up while telling Geezer Dude that he does nice things for her and makes her feel good and she’s never had that so it scares her. Awww. Barf.

Just eat your candy, Grampy’ll make it all better.

Geezer Bait decides she’s not going to tell him about Fazil and if he finds out she’ll just say she was very very drunk. Cut to Amber and Stubface. Amber really wants it to work with him. He tells her to stop teasing him. “Quit it. I hate teasing. I am going to freakin bench press your body against the wall.” No wonder she’s in love. He’s a poet!

Poet who likes to blow it.

The party keeps going and Ashley tells us she’d rather be in Vegas playing for real money. She jumps on the table and screams for everyone to shut the fuck up.

She announces that tomorrow morning at 11am they are piling into their cars and heading for Vegas! They all scream like crazy. The first bitch that says “Vegas Baby” is gonna be on my shit list.

Figures.

So next week they are off to Vegas. Previews claim Amber will be getting married and the girls will perform in a show. Wanna take bets on which one is a bigger disaster? Until next time folks. Smooches!