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Coming back out for a second stab at BAD GIRLS CLUB is FirstTheWorst. As usual, we love constructive notes!! – MYL
So was I the only one let down by the anticlimactic introduction of the New Bad Girls? There were no fistfuls of hair yanked viciously, nary a tear was shed…what’s wrong with this picture? I don’t know about you, but that’s how I like my Bad Girls–engaging in drunken assault and then crying about it. Let’s try to do a little better this week, Oxygen. I mean, really. Let’s have some standards, shall we?
However…tonight’s episode? Drama! Stupidity! Self mutilation! Whew. Let’s begin.
Unable to spend a quiet night at home, our Bad Girls have chosen to go to a club and are busy gettin’ down with their bad selves. It’s very heartwarming…all the dancing, fun, and boobs being flashed…but, as we all know, this can’t last too long. Everything’s instantly ruined (for me any way) because here comes the biggest threat to feminism since, well, ever…JoJo! Joanna, tastefully clad in a leopard print dress from the Staten Island Hookers Collection, has cornered some poor soul against a wall and enthusiastically proceeds to grind her business on him, ignoring the fact that he looks scared, embarrassed and a bit like a General in some sort of gay military. He’s dressed curiously in what appears to be a green army jacket covered with large gaudy flowers on the pockets and his tiny eyes dart nervously around, seeking possible escape routes. However, he is thankfully spared when Joanna spies something she craves even more then General Flowers–alcohol! Joanna grabs the bottle and downs it immediately, omitting any usage of a glass or even a straw to spare others the contamination of her mouth. Germs? Communicable diseases? Forget that! She’s JoJo GoGo! She does what she wants!
GoGo Gadget…liquor bottle!
Meanwhile, Aimee is upset with Zara who apparently seeks to “get everyone’s attention all the time.” From what I can tell, all she’s done is dance and be social, but whatever, that’s apparently a ploy to steal all the attention from Aimee. Hey Aimee, if you want to be noticed, then maybe next time you shouldn’t wear a plaid flannel shirt to a club! Guys aren’t really into girls who look like they just got done cleaning horse stalls, so keep that in mind and while you’re at it, ditch those stupid braids. Last time I checked, you were some kind of Philadelphian guidette (Guido for the girls!), not Dakota Fanning on her way to first grade. Now incapable of enjoying herself, Aimee is forced to sit and scowl angrily at Zara who is committing the atrocity of…enjoying herself. “When she does that, I feel like punching her dead in her face!” Aimee seethes. Yeah, I hate when people do that…you know, have a good time. What’s that about? Next time I see someone smiling, I’m going to run up to them, punch them in the face and then scream, “NO FUN ON MY WATCH!!!!” Meanwhile, during the scandal of Zaragate 2007, Andrea, sticking out as the swollen hippo of the bunch, has reached her drinking capacity and stumbles about the club, clumsily knocking into the camera. She makes her way into the bathroom and the sadists at Oxygen treat us to a full 10 seconds of the melodic sounds of Andrea retching noisily into the toilet. Seriously, it sounds awesome. I hear it has its own spot on NOW! Vol.25: That’s What I Call Music! Anyway, I’d been entertaining a little fantasy that all Andrea’s disgusting vomiting may have caused her deflate a little but no, she emerges from the bathroom, just as puffy as ever. A smiling and way-too-happy-about-this Joanna tells us, “Andrea’s so sick, she just threw up in the bathroom!” Oh really? Good to know. Because I thought she was in there maybe running a blender, not EXPELLING THE CONTENTS OF HER STOMACH. Idiot. Joanna adds, “I’m super drunk but not throw up status!” Right. Well, we’re not all future budding alcoholics, Joanna, so don’t make fun of us if we can’t handle our entire bottle of Grey Goose.
Joanna decides to take Andrea home, who at this point is reeking of bile and even more repellent than usual so their limousine comes by and picks them up. However, Aimee and Zara haven’t quite had their fill of good times so they ask for the limo to come back and get them when they’re ready. At the last minute though, Zara decides she wants to leave as well so she jumps in the limo and leaves Aimee in the club…by herself!!! Oh, Zara. Do you never learn? Don’t you know that when Aimee gets home, she’s going take her straight razor blade out of her purse and CUT YOU?! She’s crazy like that! Sure enough Aimee somehow makes her way back home later and slams open the door yelling, “I’m GLAD everyone left me in the fuckin’ club!” Oh, atrocities! Being in a club by yourself? Treachery of this degree surely hasn’t been heard of since Hamlet. If I was Aimee, I’d personally hold Zara for all that therapy she’ll undoubtedly have to undergo. Aimee complains bitterly about being left alone, even though Zara would have been the only one left with her. Remember that, Aimee? The one you want to punch in the face for oh, doing absolutely nothing? Zara apologizes but that does little to quell Aimee’s anger who fumes in her Confessional, “I don’t like selfish, I don’t like conceited and I don’t like fake–and she’s all three of those!” Good point, Aimee. I don’t like fake either–not fake dyed black hair, not fake drag queen eyelashes or even orange-y fake spray-on tans. But we won’t get into that…or will we? (We won’t.) “Zara, don’t you ever leave me again!” Aimee threatens. Wow, what a great way to make people stick around…yell and scream at them and then talk about them behind their backs. Aimee, you truly are master at this crazy game we call friendship…
The next day, Jodie, Joanna, Aimee and Andrea take off to go somewhere called the Saddle Ranch, possibly in search of an establishment where Aimee’s country western garb might be deemed appropriate, while DeAnn, Kerry and Zara opt to stay home. They begin their night of fun by shrieking like morons and giving each other random high fives before parading in the house in red feather boas. Good to see these women blowing off a little steam after a long day of doing…uh, nothing. Then, they manage to even surprise me by doing the STUPIDEST THING EVER. Somehow, they get the brilliant idea to cover Zara, clad in her bra and underwear, with peanut butters and throw feathers on her. But where the hell did these white feathers come from? Yes, they had a pathetic little pillow fight earlier, but those pillows were clearly polyblend, not down. I smell conspiracy…Anyway, in the midst of all this…uh, fun(?), DeAnn accidentally hits Kerry with a blob of peanut butter…so of course, that evolves into a completely age-appropriate peanut butter fight. Hilarious! And practical too, since peanut butter and 600 pounds of feathers is such a breeze to clean up. But unfortunately, all good things must come to an end…there’s trouble looming on the horizon; the other girls are coming home soon, and you know what happens when Aimee sees people having fun…
No fun. Ever.
Team Peanut Butter n’ Feathers has neglected to clean up the house, so when the other girls arrive home and view the ruins, Aimee’s typical orange hue actually looks a little green. Powerless against her growing rage, she morphs into She-Hulk and shouts at Zara, demanding to know what happened. “You know…apparently we live…next to…a chicken farm,” Zara stupidly replies, not even bothering to hide her laughter. Infuriated, Aimee tells us in her Confessional, “If she died tomorrow, I’d probably laugh a little inside.” Yikes. You know, that’s sounding a little evil to me. I think Andrea’s going to end up seeing a familiar face in the bowels of Hell! Meanwhile, Zara is mysteriously sad now for some reason and wistfully looks into space while lamenting, “I just want everyone in the house to like me…” Hmm. Well, trashing the house and then laughing about it isn’t really the way to go. Trust me. I know…just ask my last roommate (Sorry about that Brady!).
The following night, the Bad Girls are going out again, this time to a costume party. Aimee goes as Snow White who has apparently has fallen on hard times and DeAnn is an unintentionally pudgy referee. Zara is a cheap-looking mermaid (seriously, Wal-Mart costumes look more high-end than this) while Jodie appears to be some sort of transvestite fire fighter. JoJo is a slutty nurse (surprise!), and evidently putting on a black wig and gluing feathers to your shoulders makes you a Dark Angel in Kerry’s world. Lastly, Andrea is a pirate but as Kerry puts it (using the best line in the episode), “she looks like Captain Crunch” Ha! The girls leave, with Joanna revealing her MENSA membership by declaring, “I’m druuuunk!”
Yeah, trust me…we know
In the club, nothing particularly interesting happens. They dance, they drink, I find Joanna’s incredibly fake breasts to be disgusting…blah blah blah. Meanwhile, Zara dances awkwardly by herself in the club, randomly waving her arms about and complains (again) about how everyone hates her. After their night of dancing in stupid costumes comes to a close, they get in their limo and leave. Andrea is greedily clutching apparently the only cell phone in the car when Zara asks to use it. Andrea refuses, as she supposedly met some gentleman (with a serious vision problem, I’m assuming) in the club and is waiting on a call from him. Uh…yeah. Unless it’s a doctor who is willing to dispense anti-inflammatories for your Blowfish condition, I’m calling bluff on that one, Andrea.
“We have to go! My boyfriend’s getting ready to call!”
“Here’s my impression of Andrea!”
Anyway, for some reason the girls find Zara’s denial of the phone hilarious and they all simultaneously crack up. I’m starting to feel a little bad for Zara at this point, as her eyes well up with tears and everyone continues to make it clear that they’re not laughing with her…oh no, they’re definitely laughing at her. Immediately after arriving home, Zara locks herself in the bathroom and continues to cry while the girls all wonder what could possibly be making her upset. Um….maybe the fact that you all just laughed in her face for the last 20 minutes? DeAnn, possibly being the biggest phony I’ve ever seen, then pretends to care and calls Zara outside for a chat. She inquires why Zara is crying, and Zara merely whimpers and says she wants to go home. Then…it happens! DeAnn suddenly snatches Zara’s wrist and yells out, “Why the hell are there two cut marks on your wrist???”
Ok. I’ve regained control of myself. Zara’s a cutter??? I don’t know…something about this screams, “ATTENTION, PLEASE LAVISH ME WITH ATTENTION!!!” I could be wrong (and if I am, I’m joining Aimee and Andrea on their Amtrak destined for Hell), but if you’re into self-mutilation, I’ve always heard that it’s intensely private. I would think the last think you’d do was put on a tank top and then wave your arms in everyone’s face. But anyway, Zara howls, “STOOOP!” and we see the very ominious and dramatic message, “TO BE CONTINUED…”
And so another episode comes to a close. Thoughts on this one? I did feel a bit bad for Zara, but this whole cutting thing? I’m not too sure about that. And who else agrees that Aimee was a big bitch?