This week on the Bad Girls Club…..the bitch is back y’all! I for one haven’t been so happy to see a bitch since that time I pulled into Taco Bell and thought they were closed. Just as I began to wail Why God? WHY? an angel appeared in the window and took my order! God is good y’all. Enough about me, let’s pop in on the Bad Girls Club!
We begin this week with a much happier more carefree house. Why you say? Let’s see…maybe because Satan’s niece Kayla has left the building! The girls are in the hot tub with bubbles and booze and laughter. Sarah tells us that yes indeed the house is much more relaxed without Miss DramaKayla in it. But she wonders how long it will last. I’m guessing
praying not long.
Seriously. Stop farting!
More scenes of the girls half naked in the bubbles. Sarah playing with her buoy’s that have seen a couple storms too many. Then Amber and Sarah jump out of the tub and they lay on the floor and act like they are swimming. Tiff and Boston grab their feet and drag them backwards yelling “Clean the floor”. Got a feeling that floor has seen some germs that would eat through hardwood.
Midget tells us that she thinks they had another roommate before but she doesn’t know where she went and she can’t remember her name. Oh Midget. I don’t blame ya girl. Revel in the quiet before the storm, cause storms they are a coming!
Tiff is on the phone with her Mom saying to call the National Guard and all her friends cause their new roommate is Tanisha! And we hear psycho stabbing music and we’re shown scenes of Tanisha’s rampages on the twits that came before. POP OFF! POP OFF! POP OFFFFFFFFF! Aww I have tears in my eyes, memories and all.
Tiff’s Mom asks her if its going to be a problem? Tiff says she doesn’t know yet. I do! I can guarantee there will be problems! Oh hell they are doing it again. Next we see..10 Hours Earlier.
Midget takes Amber outside. It seems she has a idea. An evil awful wonderful idea! She read online
in the script that Tanisha will be appearing at a radio station nearby. Midget wants to go down there, break in and take over the show so that it becomes The Amber Show. Much squealing and jumping up and down ensue as Midget tells us she thinks it will be fun to go down there and show Tanisha who the new Bad Girls are. Oh Midget, it was nice knowing ya girl. You better hope she’s eaten or you my lil’ tard are a goner!
Off they go and Midget is saying how pissed Tanisha will be that they break in and take over. Then she says “We should ask her back to the mansion and ask her to be our new room mate”. Amber gets chills at this and frankly so do I. Midget continues with “Do you think she’ll do it?” and Amber replies “Yeah she probably has nothing better to do”. Do I even have to say it? Shut up Amber!
Midget tells us that she assumes that another room mate is on the way but to play a prank on the girls and make them think Tanisha is the new room mate would be the best prank ever. I agree and I am in total denial about the fact that this couldn’t be more scripted if it was Tom Cruise’s wedding vows.
Back at the mansion Sarah is being her usual catty self. She tells Tiff that the Amber’s are alienating themselves from the rest of them. Tiff says they are going to the store, the bank and to run errands but she agrees with Sarah and says she’s getting pissed. Sarah tells us that the Ambers are always taking time out away from the others and she feels like they are doing something sneaky or they are talking shit. You know, like she’s doing right now.
Speaking of talking shit, Ailea and Boston are at the computer. Ailea says she just doesn’t want to see Amber’s face. Not sure which Amber she means since she refuses to call the little one Midget and help a bitch out.
Across town at the station the girls have arrived and they’ve made signs. As I sit here shoving popcorn in my face the Amber’s push the signs up to the window and catch Tanisha’s attention.
Tanisha gets worked up because one of the signs said season 3 is better than all. And then they invite them in. (NOT scripted! Not I say!) Tanisha is all smiles and asks who they are and then looks like she’s going to pass out when they both say their name is Amber. Radio guy cracks up and then the Amber’s start singing their theme song from the Amber Show. To which Tanisha responds “Get the fuck outta here!” Only she says it nicely. The Amber’s ask Tanisha if she will be on their show today. And my Tanisha says “Hell no bitches this is my show!”. Much laughter. The radio guy asks her what she thinks of the Amber’s and she says “I don’t know, Playboy rejects?” Hahaha!
In confessional Amber tells us that Tanisha is just as scary as she thought. And she’s mean and bossy and rude to them. Yes how dare she get pissed that YOU broke in on HER interview. Some people! Radio guy asks them what the diff is between the two seasons and Amber says “other than there are better looking girls…” and Tanisha says “I think not”. More laughter and then Midget says “I cannot wait until we bounce up on it with you”. Tanisha’s like what the fuck? And Midget gets up, slides Tanisha’s chair back and bounces her tiny little ass up against her.
Tanisha yells “She’s CRAZY!” Finally the radio dude kicks them out but Tanisha promises to hang with them later. As they leave Tanisha gives them the one finger salute.
Midget tells us that she thinks they may have pissed Tanisha off and that’s not good for her plan to get her into the house. Don’t worry Midget, its in the script. The Amber’s are now discussing what makes Tanisha bad. Amber says its because she’s mean and doesn’t give a shit about people and Midget says “And she does that off popping thing”.
They both agree it should be lots of fun.
Outside the studio Tanisha agrees to come with the girls for their prank BUT she has a few demands. LOL. First off, they will have to get her bag. And they need to meet her out front. Midget yells “Thanks Tanisha” and she replies “Don’t go through my shit yo!” Midget says they don’t play like that! I would so be going through that bag. You know she’s got some Ho Ho’s and probably a whip. And a stuffed bunny named Fluffers. Just a wild guess.
The girls pull up and Midget hops out to let Tanisha in the front. Tanisha is impressed with Midget’s manners. Midget replies “Well you are helping us.” To which Tanisha tells them they will owe her a favor. They agree. Amber starts whining about all the verbal abuse she gets in the house.
Human Brain Fart
Tanisha wants an example. Amber has a big brain fart and can’t come up with anything so Tanisha helps out with “You think you are all that and you are just a stupid blonde bitch. Right?” And Amber mumbles “Yeah”. She tells her to just keep screaming “What makes you so perfect”. She says as long as you are yelling over them you are winning. Midget explains that when someone gets in Amber’s face she quivers like a bunny and gets scared. Tanisha screams “Don’t you fuck with Fluffers!” and punches Midget in the head.
What? It could happen.
Tanisha tells her do not be scared, just stay calm and face them. She then takes us down memory lane where Genavecia put hot sauce and who knows what in her juice. They ask her what she did about it and we get to see Tanisha dragging her by her filthy hair across the yard.
Tanisha wants to know who the big bitch is in the house. They say Boston. That Kayla was but she left. And that its pretty much the Amber’s against the rest of them. Midget starts asking deep questions about how much Tanisha has grown and she tells us she’s the same, she just thinks more and doesn’t give a fuck what others think. Midget tells us she thinks Tanisha is cool and down to earth and kinda fun.
They drive up near the house where a limo is waiting. (still not scripted) Tanisha gets out of the girls car so that they can drive up to the house like they know nada about Tanisha’s arrival.
The girls go running up to the front door and start beating on it and telling them that there is a limo at the bottom of the drive. They think they have a new room mate. Tiff couldn’t give a shit.
She’s mad because the girls were gone so long and they couldn’t go anywhere. Midget tells her that they haven’t even gotten the groceries yet. Tiff is not pleased. The girls rush the door trying to get a peek.
We’re all gonna die!
Tanisha marches into the house full of smiles and Midget innocently asks “Are you our new room mate?” Tanisha replies “Yeah”. And Midget squeals “What?” The others chime in with Huh? What? Seriously? Jesus girls get a clue. Tanisha says she is there to stay and would like to know where she will be sleeping. Tiff hangs her head.
There’s no place like home. There’s no place like home…
In confessional Tiff says she thinks Tanisha is crazy and she doesn’t know if she’s changed but that Tiffany may have just met her match. I think she may be right.
Tiff keeps asking if this is for real and then Midget says “Is your name Taniqua?” LOL that girl is just not going to break character. Tiff cracks up as they explain that her name is Tanisha and Midget repeats it several times. Then Midget says “You don’t like to be in gangs do you?” Hahahahaha! She better watch that shit cause Tanisha might forget for a sec that they are playing a prank and there’s gonna be a little blonde Midget smear on the wall.
Midget starts showing Tanisha around the house and Tanisha keeps calling her “Amy”. Midget tells us she is having a great time playing this prank. Yeah I can tell.
Tiff tells us that she is the Mama Bear of this house and “ain’t nobody gonna come up in that house and change the dynamic and run shit. I guarantee it by all means”. Uh oh, Tiff is not liking Tanisha. Who can blame her though. She probably has Kaylalash.
Tiff and Sarah dish on Tanisha. Tiff tells her thats her worst nightmare. That Tanisha is the exact opposite of what they are trying to do. Amber comes running in and says “Oh my fucking God”. She starts saying how happy she was when Kayla left because she was so scared of her and now this is her worst nightmare. Let me tell you people about nightmares. Wake up on the kitchen floor naked with ranch dressing up your nose and cocktail weinies in your hair AT YOUR IN-LAWS HOUSE and then come talk to me about nightmares!
Sarah doesn’t understand why Amber is so scared and Amber says last season Tanisha was crazy and confrontational and doesn’t take shit off anyone and sometimes Amber might give a little shit out. Wow self awareness. How odd. Amber tells us that of course she is pretending to be scared and that Sarah and Tiff have the dumbest looks on their faces and its awesome.
Boston and Ailea are out to dinner and are talking about how the Amber’s have their own little clique and have broken off from the rest of the group. Well if that ain’t the herpes sore calling the crab itchy! They both predict that something is about to go down and Ailea says she should just hit her and get it over with. Shut up Geezer Bait. Isn’t it past your bedtime?
Yay! I make a big poopy in my diapy!
Back at the house Midget tells Tanisha she has a present for her and she runs out of the room, saying “I’ve heard about you”. We hear loud shit coming from the kitchen and Midget has a couple of pots and she says “Do you like to make music?”
Tanisha has grabbed a pool stick possibly thinking Midget has lost her little mind. Midget puts the pots on the pool table and asks Tanisha to play us a song. Midget then starts speaking in tongues and rolls around on the pool table. Tanisha tells her she needs help.
Midget asks Tanisha if she’s a hard ass or something and Sarah cracks up. Tanisha calls a house meeting. She tells Midget she needs to talk to her especially, saying “You got issues, for real, you got issues”. So Tanisha tells them that they have started off on the wrong foot and she needs to lay down a couple rules. Tiff snickers. Midget says “But you’re the new girl”. Tanisha cuts her off and says “Yeah whatever.” Sarah looks pissed and confused. Tanisha continues and Midget interrupts again and she gets cut off again.
I will choke a midget!
Sarah tells us if Tanisha thinks she’s gonna come in this house and make rules she’s crazy. She obviously didn’t see last season. By now I’ve sort of half forgotten that this is a prank and I’m cracking my ass up over how these girls are reacting.
Tanisha tells them they need to clean this place up. Its a shit hole. Tiff is biting her lip. Rule 2 don’t touch her shit. Especially not Fluffers! She will cut your ass if you fuck with Fluffers. Rule 3 if ya got something to say say it. No back stabbing. And she directs that one at Amber who I think may have forgotten this is a prank also because she looks like she might shit her pants any second. Rule 4 and she points at Midget, “You got to tone it down boo. I am trying but you are pushing me. Can you tone it down so we can start off on the right foot here?” Midget nods her head yes. Tanisha yells at her “Bitch are you hearing me?” Causing Tiff to fall out laughing.
And then finally she says the most important rule of all….dum da dum dum….”Y’all bitches are crazy if you think I’m moving into this house!” And there’s silence and Tiff makes this face..
Tanisha tells them they have been pranked and they all start screaming and Midget jumps on Tiff and gives her a lap dance. Tanisha explains that “These two blonde Playboy bitches planned this whole thing!”
Tiff is not amused. She tells us “You think you gonna prank me? You fuck with me, I will fuck with you 2 times harder”. As Tanisha’s leaving Sarah makes a comment about them pranking them and watching their backs and Tanisha says “Be easy on them. Aren’t you glad you met me?” They say yes and she repeats for them to be easy on them. As she leaves I notice she has shoved her feet into the asses of two small puppies. Bad Tanisha!
Poor lil’ puppies.
Tiff calls her Mom to tell it was all a prank. Then she tells us that since that was a prank she knows another new girl is coming and she’s not sure how to deal with it. Where did my happy go lucky Tiff go? I think whatever evil was possessing Kayla is trying to steal my Tiff! Back away Satan! I rubuke you!
Anyhoodle, the next thing we see the girls are at a beach. Midget tells us they are going surfing and to meet lots of hot guys and “bounce up on it”.
Jaws 5 : I Ain’t Eatin’ That.
Surfer dude Pat, comes up and asks them if they have surfed before and do they think they can get up? Midget offers that she can get most things up but she’s not sure if she can get herself up. Uh oh, the batteries must be dead at the house cause Midget is on the prowl. Then surfer dude Pat shows them what to do and he’s laying on the surf board and he says something about “long strokes” and Ailea says “Ooh I love long strokes baby.” Excuse me, where’s your
daddy issue boyfriend?
I wanna see Nemo!
She keeps going after he says “you’re gonna love to stroke the water” she says “you’re gonna love to watch me…stroke…the water.” Surfer dude is getting distracted. Its not everyday you get hit on by a horny beaver on a beach.
As the lesson goes on Amber tells a surfer dude that she’s afraid of the water. Then Midget tells one dude to make her look good and fuck the other bitches. Like teach them how to fall.
I promise I won’t bite.
Ailea hears this and makes a stink face. Everybody squeezes into their wetsuits and head for the water. Lots of almost surfing and busting ass and everybody looks like they are having fun. Amber trails off back to the water with one of the surfer dudes and this pisses Ailea off. She says “Look look she’s all over him. I just want to throw something at her face.”
Tiff tells us that they are supposed to be riding the waves not riding the surf instructors penis’. She says “This is what the Amber’s are doing again. Its really getting on my nerves. I am tired of both of them.”
Later back at the house there is a high pitched squeal and Sarah screams for everyone to come see her boobs. Uh we’ve all seen them. Get a grip. Oh oops, my bad. Her pictures are up on Playboys site. She’s hopping up and down and screeching and my dog just ran under the bed. She tells us that Playboy is the Holy Grail of glamour modeling.
Everyone comes running and Tiff tells her she wants to see her vagina. Sarah screams no then scrolls down so everyone can indeed she her vagina.
She should see a doc about that.
Tiff reads from the site about Sarah’s natural big boobs and Amber looks like she smells feet. Amber tells us in a whiny, jealous and totally catty way(completely unlike how I talk) that Sarah has breast implants and she’s a huge ass liar!
She can prove it too. When Sarah lays down her boobs fall to the side. Aha! Wait huh? Mine fall to the side. Last night one fell to the side and rolled off the bed. Mine are real. Tragically real. What the hell is her point? Oh yeah, she’s jealous and irritating. Point taken. Now shut it. What does it matter if they are fake? Its 2009! Lots of people have fake boobs.
Guess which one is flipit?
Telephone! Boston answers and guess who? KAYLA! Boston acts happy to hear from her and then Kayla starts rambling about black helicopters and spider monkeys hanging from the ceiling. She also says she’s glad to be back home so she can go in her bathroom and smoke her blunts. You go girl! More rambling about how she’s over it but she’s bitter but she doesn’t want to talk about it zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz.
Do y’all bitches miss me?
Boston tells us she doesn’t want to talk to Kayla and makes hand gestures like yapping and she says she cannot take this girl. Kayla says her friend who lives on the moon is signaling her and she has to go hook up the whohoozle to the flimflazzle so she can beam herself up. Bye Kayla.
So the girls gather round to discuss the sleeping situation. Since there is another girl coming in and the house vibe will change they need to make some decisions. What? New girl comes in, fumigate Kaylas bed and stick her in it. Whats the problem? The problem it seems is that Sarah doesn’t want the Amber’s to room together. She is afraid it will cause a division in the house. Sarah explains to us that if they have their own room then there is no reason for the other girls to be able to walk up on them and “catch them in the act” of whispering to each other. Okie dokie nutbag.
Midget tells us that the other girls see this as a division and she just doesn’t see it. She’s not all about just hanging out with Amber. She just likes her the most. Oh Midget.
The Amber’s then are shown discussing Sarah’s reasons for not wanting the two to share a room. Midget says she doesn’t want them to get closer. Amber says if Sarah was really close to one girl she’d probably want to be with her too but since she’s not she mumble mumble mumble “I think it goes back to a huge jealousy issue.” She then tells us that she thinks the other girls would be happy if they just crawled under their beds and hide all day. Hey, while you are under there how bout picking up that used condom wrapper that you claim Stubface didn’t use.
Product placement at its finest.
Off they go to Cabo Cantina! Amber says she is not satisfied with LA until she finds some hot men. Inside Tiff is saying that they are a house full of females and they are sex deprived. Ailea then tells about the “sex vending machine that makes everything better”. And if it doesn’t she calls her
daddy issue boyfriend and he tells her stories so she can take a nappy.
The two Amber’s pair off and go outside. Tiff gets pissed and says “Where the hell are they going?” Outside the Amber’s are looking for fresh meat in the cars that pass by. Amber says they are all ugly. Then realizes she is seeing her own reflection in the windows. Sarah joins them and immediately Amber says “Sarah, show your tits. Sarah says no! Amber says “Sarah all people have to do is type your name and they’ll find them online”.
Off Sarah goes in a huff to tell Boston what just happened. Boston feeds the fire by saying Amber was trying to make her look like a porn star. Sarah agrees. Boston wants to go tell Tiff. WTF? OK Oxygen, on the scripted fight scale..lame.
Sarah tells us she is “so pissed right now. Who the hell does Amber think she is? They’re my boobs I’ll show them when I want.” Cut to Boston snitching to Tiff like she’s the warden…wait a second. That’s what they labeled her as in the first episode. Clever.
Amber goes out to talk to Sarah who tells her that her comment pissed her off and that Proactive really works. Amber apologizes and says “I think before I say”. Sarah corrects her and says “You say before you think.” Sarah then tells us that Amber is a cumbag whore. And she’s tired of her lame ass excuses.
Smell my finger.
The next day the Amber’s are getting ready to go out and Sarah, Ailea, and Tiff are talking about them. Ailea says there’s a line being drawn. And she holds up her coloring book to show them. Tiff says she thinks they just like going out just the two of them. Ailea says that makes a division and Tiff says they choose to do that to themselves. As the Amber’s are leaving Ailea yells out “Bye Amber’s have a great time!”
In the car Amber says Sarah keeps giving her dirty looks. She tells Midget that even when the Amber’s are doing the exact same thing Sarah only gives her a dirty look. And she says its because “her jealousy is like, sick.”
Back at the house Ailea is bitching because she can’t find her “juicies”. I am not kidding. She calls her juice box’s juicies. Some of them are missing and she just knows the Ambers did it. Cut to the Amber’s out eating and talking about how they are glad they are eating out so that the girls can’t get mad at them for eating their food.
Sarah is on the phone with her friend bitching about Amber and saying she’s gonna let loose she just doesn’t know when. Her friend tells her to stick lunch meat under Amber’s bed. Man oh man, they should get her as the new bad girl! That bitch is hard core!
Sarah then goes and whines to Tiff about her struggle to either be civil to Amber or fuck her world up. Tiff once again becomes the voice of reason and tells her to try the positive route and if that doesn’t work then settle it her type of way.She also says that Amber has a lot of insecurities about herself and that’s why she makes the comments that she does.
The girls head off for a night at Nikki’s where Sarah, Midget and Ailea will be bartending.
Lots of drinks are served and we see Amber off in her own little world of booze. She’s drinking and dancing. With everyone. And anyone. Boston tells us that Amber will “pretty much go for anything that has a pulse and its nasty.” Oh please, don’t be acting all high and mighty. There’s a time in every girls life when even a pulse is optional. Right? Anyone? Oh sure I’m the only one!
More scenes of Amber grinding on dudes and trying to suck a straw at the same time. Multitasking is not her thing.
Amber staggers off somewhere and we see Midget talking to surfer dude Pat. They chit chat back and forth with more talk about “getting it up”. He says something about getting tossed and Midget replies that she too likes getting tossed sometimes. Oh Lord just go blow the dude already. Well I’ll be damned. Midget takes the dude to the bathroom. Tiff and Boston are wondering where she is. Cut back to the bathroom door where we hear sounds….sounds of…….was that a slurp? Then a giggle and Midget says “sorry”. And we hear a zipper.
Hahahahahaha! Midget tells us in confessional that she was trying to give the dude a blow job and apparently she used her teeth. Oops. I hate when that happens. Bad Midget! Blow jobs in the bathroom! That is just WRONG! Now go sit on the naughty stool Midget until I tell you you can get up. And brush your teeth. With bleach!
When the other girls realize she was in the bathroom with surfer dude Sarah accuses her of having “fuck lips”. Note to self-next time look in mirror immediately after to see what the hell “fuck lips” look like.
Midget denies having “fuck lips” and asks surfer dude. He says “Maybe” causing Sarah to squeal. Midget says “It felt good didn’t it?” and surfer dude said “For me not so much.”
Outside Boston finds Amber laying on the floor of the limo, drunk off her ass. Boston pulls her up and she falls out the door puking. Oh gross. I’m gonna barf. Eew! Ok enough with the barf sounds! Tiff says thats why she stopped drinking. I stop when the bottle’s empty.
Have a gummy bear bitch.
On the way home in the limo Midget is a little drunk also. She’s saying something about gummy bears and shoving them in peoples mouths. Amber is laying in someones lap half passed out. Midget crawls across Ailea and Sarahs laps to try to stick a gummy bear in Ambers comatose face. Boston tells her no she might choke on it. Then Midget starts crawling all over Boston and Boston is starting to get a look on her face. RUN MIDGET RUN! Suddenly Midget says “Ouch you are hurting” and Boston says “Cause you are hurting me”.
And Boston loses her shit and screams for them to “get her the fuck away from me.” Boston’s face is all red and she has that demented look she gets. Boston tells Midget she’s trying to take care of Amber and Midget says “Yeah and you are just playing around.” Boston says “Get away from me”. Midget looks confused and asks Sarah “What the fuck is her problem?” Boston says “My fuckin’ nose hurts from the sun and you keep hittin’ my nose.” And she says something about if she hit Midgets nose it’d be straight on and broken. Where the hell is my jibberish handbook?
Midget tells us that it was just a gummy bear and its not like she was whipping it at her. Yeah but Midget you were all in her face and besides don’t you know not to feed wild animals? Midget tells Boston she’s acting like a bitch and Boston starts with the hand waving pointing thing she does that signals she’s for realz pissed off and tells her to shut the fuck up. More back and forth and then Boston throws her water bottle at Midget. Hard. And Midget launches herself across the limo at Boston.
It takes Tiff, Ailea and Sarah to pull her back. They finally get Midget to sit the fuck down and Sarah puts her hand over her mouth and says that BOTH of them are retarded and to cool the fuck down.
Boston tells us that Midget grows a set of balls after Kayla leaves and doesn’t she get it? Nobody likes her. Well you ain’t exactly a burst of fucking sunshine either there Boston.
Just call her Sunny D.
They keep yelling back and forth with Boston threatening to hit Midget with a glass and Midget saying nobody likes Boston because she isn’t fun. Then Midget says she’s just jealous because “we are cuter than you and we have personalities.” Does Midget have a frog in her pocket? Who the hell is we? To which Sarah says “that wasn’t fair.” Hahahaha she didn’t say it wasn’t true she said it wasn’t fair!
They get back to the house and walk Amber’s drunk ass in and then we see Sarah making sense with Midget. She tells her to let it go for now and deal with it when she’s sober. When you deal with things drunk bad shit happens. Ask my Mom she’ll tell you thats how I was concieved. Then again she also told me they found me at a truckstop…Mom has issues.
If you choke on your own vomit can I have your clothes?
Boston gets Amber into bed and Midget tells us that she and Boston clash the most in the house. She says that Boston thinks she pokes pokes pokes at her and she is going to try to not do that anymore but that Boston needs to stop going from zero to Satan in 3 seconds.
The girls realize that Kayla’s picture was taken down while they were gone. And there is another picture in its place. They race to go see. Its covered with paper and Tiff jumps up and rips the paper off and then beats the picture while saying “Who is this stupid bitch?”
So what do you guys think? Do the Amber’s separate themselves too much? Are Sarah’s boobs real? Did Midget chomp Lil’ Elvis?
Until next week folks. Smooches!