Recap: Bad Girls Club: What You Gonna Do When They Come For You?

What would happen if you had a season of Starting Over without the life coaches? You’d probably get something like Bad Girls Club, a campy trainwreck of a show that’s not really about anything in particular beyond fighting and crying. Seriously. And don’t act like that’s a bad thing. The premise of the show is that a bunch of “Bad Girls” are stuck in a house… and that’s pretty much it. Yes, like putting a whole bunch of wind up toys in a blender, this experiment turns real messy real quickly. There’s not much by way of substance to this series, but luckily there was enough destruction in the second episode to warrant a spot in the TVgasm lineup.Before we start with this week’s episode, we need to actually talk about the backstory. There’s this girl Kerry, and there’s this girl Ripsi. Kerry is sweet and shy and softspoken and somehow bad (?). Ripsi is, well, a drinker. She takes the expression “Hair of the dog” and rapes it. To cure her hangover, she doesn’t simply down a mimosa. She takes three shots of tequila. Needless to say, by the end of her hangover day, she’s drunker than she was the night before. Plus, she internalizes things, which is why for no apparent reason, she simply charges defenseless Kerry and tries to choke her. Luckily, Kerry has some meager defense skills, and so she pushes Ripsi off her, sending her assailant off into the pool.

Funny thing about drunk girls and pools: they don’t really match. Like cats. As the first episode ends, we see Ripsi treading for her life, about to go under. And as for the other girls? They’re kind of just laughing.

This week’s episode begins at the swimming pool where Ripsi is… not drowning. She’s managed to wade over to the shallow end where her roommates are yanking her out by her arms — which doesn’t look painful at all. Once she’s back on dry land, Ripsi’s rage returns and she goes storming off like a rabid orca with legs. She quickly encounters Kerry on the staircase, and after a brief slap exchange, the full-scale tussle ensues as the girls claw at each other, pulling at their hair and clothing. Kerry manages to get a few choice kicks in before disentangling herself from the kung-fu grip of Ripsi, and for a brief moment, we actually think this thing might be over. Ripsi stumbles around with a glazed look in her eyes — almost like she’s ready to puke at any moment. Ah yes. A return to normalcy. When the girls alert her that she just beat up Kerry, Ripsi can’t believe it. RIPSI DOESN’T DO THAT! “I love Kerry!” she says, adding, “And I show my love through an elaborate ritual of choking and hair pulling!”

Finally, calm returns to the house as Ripsi passes out on the couch, at last succumbing to the sweet pleasures of drunkenly slumber.

That last for about five seconds. Suddenly, Ripsi bounds up from the couch like a woman possessed and decided to take her rage out none other than all the Ikea crap populating the kitchen. She tosses chairs everywhere, throws various vases and trinkets, and even unleashes of fury of apples on all unsuspecting kitchen objects. It’s a complete and total kitchen trashing, which makes sense because I heard she once was molested by a kitchen when she was little.

Then, with legs that don’t even seem able to support her, Ripsi dashes/stumbles up the stairs and yells, “I dare you to fuck with me!!!” to no one in particular (maybe a trivet gave her a nasty look). Suddenly, she’s up in a bedroom, attacking Jodie, who was innocently sleeping in her bed. It’s both hilarious and horrifying, and as poor Jodie suffers the wrath of Ripsi, the rest of the roommates stand around and either laugh or gently reprimand their drunken friend. Now that’s what I call diffusing a situation!

Luckily, Jodie’s a sizable girl, and she’s not about to take no beating from nobody. She manages to land several hard punches on Ripsi’s face as the roommates continue to yell, “Let her hair go!” Hey, how about one of you idiots step up and pull Ripsi off Jodie? Luckily, Ripsi does eventually step away, and for the first time, we see that Jodie’s got a brand new shiner. This enrages Ty, and when Ripsi comes back for seconds, Ty easily throws the dumb bitch down on the ground with a smack, thus bringing an end to Ripsi’s reign of terror.

With the storm having passed (for real this time), we then head outside where Kerry cries alone, struggling with the enormity of the situation. A drunk girl attacked her! What has this world come to??? We then check in on Aimee, who looks kind of like Aviv from Fresh Meat meets Pat Benetar meets a Muppet. She reveals that she’s in a tough situation. On the one hand, she loves Ripsi to death. On the other, she can’t condone this behavior. Oh, the ponderous world of Aimee!

The next morning, house sweetheart Zara (still trying to figure out why she’s bad) wakes Ripsi up and tells her about all the chaos from the night before. Here’s a shock: Ripsi conveniently doesn’t remember any of it. Ah yes, the classic reality star free pass. She sheds some crocodile tears and then yells annoyingly, “I’ve never done that in my life!!!” Well, maybe she has, but she probably doesn’t remember those times either.

A tormented Zara tells us that she can’t believe the way Ripsi had acted. “This isn’t my Ripsi!” she says, coincidentally revealing Mattel’s 2007 hot new Christmas toy, “My Ripsi” (coming soon).

Ripsi then goes screaming through the house, “What the fuck???” as if that’s supposed to exonerate her of any damage. It doesn’t. Meanwhile, Kerry calls up her boyfriend and tells/cries to him about the whole incident. Amidst this, we see Ripsi staring at Kerry from afar, too afraid to say anything. Later on, we then see Ripsi talking to Aimee, and again, it’s another five minutes of “I’ve never done this in my whole entire life!”

Back downstairs, Kerry’s still yapping about feeling alone and afraid, and we’re treated to a second helping of the exact same footage of Ripsi staring into the phone room with shame. Will these two ever be able to resolve their differences? And how come no one looked at this entire situation, put their hands on their hips and said, “OH, Ripsi!!!” Then everyone would have laughed, and all would have been right in the world again. Seriously, Ripsi is such an “Oh Ripsi!” name.

Later on Kerry reveals that her boyfriend’s flying out immediately to provide her a sense of safety (and maybe some dick too). Zara, meanwhile, tells us that she simply can’t deal with Ripsi possibly leaving the house as a result of all this mess. And how could she be expected to deal? You can’t just take away her best friend of three whole days! That’s just cruel!

Anyway, we then sit through several scenes of people talking about whether Ripsi should stay or go, and then we catch up with Leslie, who the night before told us that if something doesn’t have to do with her, she won’t get involved. It’s just entertainment for her. Well, in the light of day, Leslie tells Kerry that she’ll have her back if Ripsi does stay. It’s a nice offering, but I couldn’t help but wonder why she didn’t seem to have anyone’s back the night before when actual bodily harm was going down.

Meanwhile, outside, Zara is a total mess as the prospect of Ripsi leaving her looms on the horizon. “Why’d you have to do that?” Zara whines to Ripsi. At that moment, I kind of wish Ripsi’s name is Johnny, just so Zara could have said, “Why’d you have to do that, Johnny? Why Johnny?” It would have been much more effective.

Inevitably, the girls all convene in the living room for a house meeting where Ripsi apologizes profusely for her violent actions towards everyone, particularly Kerry. Why Ripsi didn’t do this as soon as she woke up was beyond me. Anyway, with every “I’m sorry” comes an accompanying reminder that she’s never done this before, she doesn’t remember anything, blah blah blah. When Kerry tells her that she has lacerations and bruises and now night terrors (I added that last one), Ripsi replies, “I was intoxicated!” WELL! Never mind! To be fair, Ripsi is effusively apologetic, but is it sincere? Or does she just want to save her own hide? And does anyone care?

Aimee clarifies the entire situation for us: “She just got really drunk. That’s all.” Yeah, she just got wasted and beat up a girl and trashed the house and beat up another girl. No big deal.

Ultimately, as the episode ends, Kerry lays down an ultimatum: either she goes or I go. What will happen?

What do you want to happen? What do you think about this show?