Recap: Bad Girls: Bad, Bad, Bad, Bad Girls. They Make You Feel So Good.

Last week, amidst all the chair-throwin’ chaos of The Bad Girls Club, I wondered how soft-spoken, oft-lacerated Kerry could ever be considered “bad.” After all, wasn’t it she who was the victim of Ripsi’s fists of fury? And wasn’t it she who seemed more fragile than a thin wafer? And wasn’t it she who spoke in those sweet, hospitable Southern tones? Well, Kerry may not be the physically violent type, but by the end of last night’s episode, we saw that she certainly was no angel either. The word “cheating slut” might come to mind. Normally, I wouldn’t be so harsh (okay, maybe I would), but hey, this is the Bad Girls Club. These bitches need to be tamed!This week’s episode began with the girls all hanging out in the living room, continuing to discuss the future of Ripsi. For those of you who may have missed all the fun, Ripsi got rip(si) roaring drunk last week and essentially unleashed a torrent of violence on the house. Bearing the brunt of her inebriated fury were Kerry and Jodie, not to mention some very unlucky chairs and Pier 1 items. Anyway, we now found the girls all debating Ripsi’s future in the house. Should she stay, or should she go? Kerry flat out announced that either Ripsi had to leave or she would leave. Who would go??

In a last ditch attempt to extract pity or empathy or whatever from Kerry, Ripsi again reiterated that she’d never gotten so drunk before, and when that didn’t seem to work (Zara was laughing in the background), she decided that maybe if she raised her voice, it might be more effective. And so Ripsi, her hair still wrapped in a towel of shame, began yelling, “I DON’T REMEMBER THIS SHIT!!! I DON’T REMEMBER IT!!!!!” But seriously, she doesn’t have a temper or anything. Ripsi then realized that her strict Armenian parents probably wouldn’t be so proud of her at this moment; so she exonerated them from any blame by saying, “The kind of family I was brought up in, you don’t ACT THIS WAY!!!!” What was is that? Screaming randomly AT THE END OF YOUR SENTENCES!!!!!

Truth was that this was a very strange, almost paradoxical scene. It seemed like Ripsi was having some sort of weird apologetic tantrum. Of course, no one actually believed she was sincere. She was just trying to cover her ass, and this was most evident when Jodie suggested that she maybe get some therapy. Immediately, Ripsi dropped her whole contrite tone and snapped back, “Don’t judge me! SHUT UP!!!” Yeah, just because she got wasted and went on a violent rampage and trashed the house and beat up a girl who was minding her own business on account of being ASLEEP doesn’t mean that she might need therapy!!! STOP JUDGING POOR RIPSI!!!

Nevertheless, Jodie quickly shot back, “I don’t throw fists, sweetheart.”

“You know what? I will throw fists again! So you better shut up!” Ripsi threatened. Memo to Ripsi: If you want to convince the girls that you won’t throw fists again, you probably shouldn’t promise to, you know, throw fists again.

Ultimately, Jodie announced, “I feel like I’m too good for all this.” It probably was true, but then again, I’m sure Jodie’s no angel either. As you might expect, this certainly set Ripsi off. “Oh! You feel like you’re too good for all this?” she asked. “I come from the most privileged background, and I don’t act this way!!!” Yeah, you tell her, Ripsi! She’s not a snob! A drunken, idiotic, violent mess, yes. But snob? NEVER!

As you might imagine, this all didn’t work out too well for the Ripsi-doodle. It was decided that she must go home, causing her best friend forever of four days, Zara, to resume her bawling routine. Mmmm… the sweet nectar of psychotic neediness.

Jodie and Kerry then headed out in the SUV to discuss Ripsi’s various issues, and holy shit! Did you see how fast Jodie was driving that car down the hill? She looked like she might have been approaching warp speed. Bad Girl indeed! Meanwhile, back at the house, Ripsi decided to atone for her transgressions by simply giving away most of her wardrobe, including many designer items. Resident Fraggle Rock outcast, Aimee, was more than happy to benefit from this strange behavior, telling us, “Bye, Ripsi. Knowing you for four days was great because you gave me a Nicole Miller dress. That’s all I had to do: know you for four days. Thank you!”

Later on, after she was all packed and ready for a trip to Zankou Chicken, Ripsi decided it would be entirely too difficult to carry her bags downstairs; so instead, she merely kicked them down the staircase, proving herself to be not just dumb and violent, but also incredibly lazy. As for Zara, she struggled with this departure, telling us, “It’s hard when you lose a best friend.” You’ve known her for FOUR DAYS, WOMAN! Get over it.

Well, one goes out and another comes in. Arriving in town was none other than Kerry’s boyfriend, who hopped on a plane that day as soon as he heard that his girly had suffered mild scrapes and bruises. If she had stubbed her toe, he probably would have hired a horse-drawn chariot. Anyway, Kerry’s boyfriend’s name was David, or as I like to call him, BRETT FAVRE. (Mild resemblance, to say the least).

David popped up at the house, and immediately, Kerry gave him a walking tour of her horrific past, showing him the various spots where Ripsi had engaged in ruthless fisticuffs. It was only slightly less powerful than a walkthrough of Auschwitz. Of course, this little stroll down memory lane gave the producers a chance to milk that glorious fight one more time by showing us vivid flashbacks of the event. Something tells me we’ll be seeing clips of this melee the entire season. Someone will be like “This chair has a scratch” and then suddenly we’ll cut to Ripsi tossing the chair in slow-mo.

Anyway, Kerry then relayed to David how she felt no one would save her from the wrath of Ripsi, which was understandable. The girls did all just stand around and laugh. However, there was no need to start crying about it, which is exactly what Kerry did. Oh, poor, poor Kerry. What’s a country girl gotta do to get some respect around here?

Later on, we learned that David was head over heels in love with Kerry (in case the instant trek across the country didn’t tip us off about that). He wanted to get married, but she didn’t want to commit just yet. A.K.A. she wants to dump him, but doesn’t want to make the first move. Just guessing.

Meanwhile, in random news, some of the girls went to a market in downtown LA and bought a pet turtle, which they named Versace. Sadly, he was later killed by another turtle named Cunanan. (Yeah, that’s right. I’m not afraid to make a pop culture reference from ten years ago). Anyhoo, once the turtle was purchased and destined for a life of hell in the Bad Girls Club (should it now be the Bad Girls and Turtle Club?), we traveled back to the house where Zara was dreaming about a new roommate who she could aggressively latch onto with sapphic glee. She just wanted the new girl to be a happy-go-lucky, bubbly person. Sorry, toots. I think the best you’ll do will be Versace the Turtle.

We then watched as Kerry and David went out to dinner (yawn). Isn’t this the Bad Girls Club, not the Kerry and David Club? Get back to the cat fights! Nevertheless, Kerry talked about her relationship with David and said something about how she was “going through this process.” What process? You’re just living in a house with other girls. You have literally nothing else to do but that. No tasks, no chores, no missions. Don’t even act like it’s a “process.”

Meanwhile, back at the “process” house, Jodie and Zara talked about Ripsi ad nauseam. Jodie was understandably mad about how no one pulled Ripsi off of her when she was trying to sleep. She also didn’t understand how someone could hate someone to that extent after only three days. Uh, I can understand it, mostly because I hated all these girls after three minutes. But I digress…

Zara then told Jodie that she regretted not intervening during the fight. In fact, she regretted it so much that she revealed she would regret it for the rest of her life! Dunh dunh DUNH!!! I can just imagine Zara, at the ripe old age of 88 sitting in a rocking chair and muttering, “I regret never going to Europe, and I regret never making amends with my father, and I regret never telling my deceased husband how much I loved him. But most of all, I regret not pulling Ripsi off Jodie during that one drunken fight when I was 22. Why, Ripsi. WHY???”

The next day, David left the house, which was too bad — he really was so fascinating. Also disappearing was none other than Versace, who had somehow escaped from his Bad Turtles Club. While he wandered around on the carpet in search of sweet, sweet freedom, a random, hunky pool guy showed up at the house. Meet Steve, a muscly guy who seemed less like a pool cleaner and more like someone plucked from central casting to get these girls all hot and bothered (it should be noted that he had an uncanny resemblance to Brad from Real World: San Diego). Playing out like a real life porno, the girls all circled around him like hungry sharks while he got to work removing the one leaf that had fallen into the pool. Apparently, none of these girls noticed his emerging bald spot (not to mention his patchy, thinning hair). I take that back. Aimee quickly spurned him, based on his burgeoning alopecia. “He’s going bald, and he’s got fuzz on his head!” she insisted, showing that she might actually be a) the only girl with eyes in this house, and b) my favorite in the cast.

Anyway, Kerry and Jodie were all over Steve the Pool Guy, which was noteworthy considering that Kerry’s alleged lovebug, David, had just left the house that morning. In a crafty bit of Bad Girls Clubbing, Zara tossed some cleaning equipment into the pool so Steve would be forced to disrobe and retrieve it. Sure enough, he did just that, but I’m sure there were plenty of women left with a case of feminine blue balls as the producers amusingly teased the audience with a mere shot of just his back. Sorry, ladies.

Oh, by the way, amidst all this, Versace was discovered in the living room and returned to his private hell safe and sound. A glorious day for all involved!

Well, once Steve was done not cleaning the pool, Kerry snatched up his number (smell ya later, Brett Favre!), and next thing we knew, all the girls were heading to Hollywood that night to meet Steve at the bastion of Hollywood cheesiness, Mood. There, the gals met up not only with their pool boy, but also Friend of Pool Boy (some douchebag named Tomik). A few stiff drinks later, and suddenly Zara was talkin’ crazy about Tomik being a good dancer, which wasn’t entirely evident by his, you know, crappy dancing. Soon, she was sucking face with Tomik, and as for Kerry, she was grinding her ass up on Pool Boy Steve, who in turn was fellating his narcissistic impulses by lifting up his shirt repeatedly and admiring his own abs.

Meanwhile, back at the house, lovelorn David called up and left a message on the machine, just telling Kerry that he loved her. Aww. So ironic. And contrived. What will happen to this wonderful couple????

What did you think about this episode? Is Kerry a slut?