Recap: Bad Girls Club: Tomik’s Not A Player, He Just Crushes A Lot

When last we saw our horny members of the Bad Girls Club, they were living it up with Steve The Pool Man and his plucky beanpole buddy Tomik. It seemed like all sorts of unfaithfulness was about to go down, what with Kerry grinding her nether regions up against Steve’s sometimes bare chest. So what happened? Did Kerry cheat on her Brett Favre-ish boyfriend? Or did she walk the line like the good little country singer she aspires to be?We knew there’d be shenanigans this week when we learned the episode’s title was “A Tomik Bomb.” It generally doesn’t bode well when reality shows are named after weapons of mass destruction, especially of the nuclear variety. Sure enough, we found the gals all back at the club where we left them. Zara was still chatting it up with wee Tomik, saying how she was attracted to his pretty boy, club promoter charm. He probably slipped her some cocaine too, but that’s neither here nor there. Meanwhile, what seemed like a definite love connection between Kerry and Steve cooled off considerably. He showed her his pubes (lovely) and then tried to kiss her, but Kerry’s country girl instincts kicked in, and she realized she did not want to be with this glorified neanderthal. Instead, she pulled away, and then she and Jodi returned to the house while the rest of the ladies hopped in their limo and traveled to some other Hollywood club.

Steve reveals his pool net.

Back at the house, Jodi and Kerry proved to be stunningly dull as they talked about the boys at the club. Jodi insisted that “I don’t want to make out with pool boy,” even though she had been all but drooling over his chest just a few hours prior. Kerry, meanwhile, called up her boyfriend and revealed that she was dancing with other men. This caused Brett Favre to get kind of mad, and the two talked for a bit and then I fell asleep, and when I woke up, he announced that she shouldn’t be dancing with other guys — not if she was serious about this relationship (which she most certainly was not).

Later on, Zara arrived at the house with Steve and Tomik. She claimed she wanted to give them a “tour” of the house. And by “house,” I mean “vagina.” Nevertheless, she guided them around, pointing out fascinating fixtures of the backyard like the tomato garden, the grass, and whatever else. Steve absorbed everything like it was his first time there (when in fact he had been there earlier that afternoon to clean the pool). Eventually, the three took a seat on some benches by a cliff, causing Zara to warn, “None of you guys fall off this thing today.” Seemed like a redundant comment, but then again, knowing these two, they’d probably tumble on down to the ocean in their attempts to show their pubes to some possum.

The trio then moved into the kitchen where Zara revealed that — oops! — she had a boyfriend. “I had no idea you had a boyfriend until you dropped a BF bomb,” Tomik said, causing Steve to remark, “A BF bomb!” This was then followed by a dumb, baboonish chuckle. Is there any other when it comes to Steve?

The next day, Kerry and Jodi went to the supermarket, spilled some soup, and realized that their shared clumsiness could only mean one thing: they were meant to be best friends forever. Turns out they’d become quite good friends, bonding in the wake of their mutual beatings during Ripsi’s drunken rage. They were so fond of each other that Jodi was going to move into Kerry’s room, occupying the bed vacated by Ripsi’s departure. It was a glorious time for both women, as you might imagine.

Meanwhile, Zara got on the phone with her boyfriend Jarad. Apparently their attraction stemmed from them both having “ARA” in their names. Anyway, I don’t really remember what these two idiots talked about, but after the call, Zara informed us that Tomik would be renting out a VIP room in Hollywood cheeseball magnet/night club Basque. Zara really wanted to go, but the girls reminded her that Tomik wasn’t merely inviting her out of friendship. He just wanted to bang her. NEVER! Zara refused to believe this. It just wasn’t possible. Other things she denies: gravity, cranberries, and the letter “N”.

Luckily, we still had Aimee around to keep it real. When it came to Zara, she told us, “She’s gonna cheat on him. Watch.” Do we have to?

That night, Zara was so eager to meet her “friend” at the club, she whisked all the girls into the limo. All the girls except Ty and Leslie, who were a mere nanosecond slower than everyone else. Well, you snooze, you lose! Zara ordered the limo to leave without them, surely a recipe for disaster. As expected, Ty was pissed off. She wanted to take a cab to the club and curse Zara out, something that wasn’t totally discouraged by me.

Meanwhile, Zara had reunited with her new boy-harem of douchebags and was lavishing in the attention these greaseballs were giving her. Did somebody say daddy issues? It was all fun and games for her. Little did she know what shit storm was waiting for her with Ty. “I’m gonna embarrass that bitch when they get back,” Ty promised. I couldn’t wait.

At the club, Tomik continued to ooze his (lack of) charm all over Zara, causing Aimee to comment from afar, “I’d never trust that guy.” Why? Because he looks like a giant penis? (Seriously, he does.)

Well, luckily for Ty and Leslie, the house limo returned to fetch them, and when they finally reached Basque, Aimee, Jodi, and Kerry were ready to leave. No worries. The five girls all decided to go to The Standard instead, allowing the perfect amount of time for them to completely bash Zara behind her back. Not that it was undeserved. The girls explained to Ty and Leslie that Zara had said that Leslie had said that it was okay to leave without them. Or something like that. Who cares, right? All that mattered was that Zara was now on this kick where she was telling everyone that the girls in the house were boring now that her dearest Ripsi was gone, and so she was going to hang out with the boys instead. Ah, the obnoxious delusions of an immature girl. At least one person wasn’t going to stand for it: Ty. “Bitch, don’t use me as to why you’re being a whore,” she said. More power to you, sistah.

Later, Zara returned home and called up Darak, telling him all about her evening with Tomik. Darak, Tomik, Zara — honestly, they all suck. Especially their names. While Zara babbled on, the other girls returned and amusingly made fun of her whining behind her back. Yay percolating cat fight!

The next morning, it was Zara’s birthday, a day in which she’s been traditionally babied to death (not to be confused with the other 364 days of the year when she’s babied to death). “Back home,” she explained, “I’m used to everyone else taking care of me.” OH REALLY??? I would never have imagined!

Well, Zara was a long way from home. All the girls were pissed at her, and as punishment, they were going to give her the silent treatment, even if it was her birthday. It was supposed to be a lesson, but these girls completely overestimated Zara’s ability to not be an idiot. Yes, instead of breaking down and begging for forgiveness, Zara merely whined some more (“Nobody cares it’s my birthday”) and then, since there were no fun people in the house, she trekked off alone to a party Tomik was throwing. Fantastic!

When she got there, Zara didn’t seem to mind that Tomik was groping every girl in sight. In fact, she probably loved that because it made her feel like the special one who actually had his heart, or at least his penis. The two roamed around this douchebag party a bit, and quite frankly, I was shocked they didn’t run into the cast of Twentyfourseven. At one point, they wound up in Tomik’s bed where he plunked down the lamest lines of all time, but because Zara is fairly dumb and suffering from a constant need for attention, she fell for each one hook, line, and sinker.

“You are seriously the sexiest thing ever!” he gushed, causing her to reply with coy resistance, “I’m sure you say that to everybody.”

“No, I don’t say this to everybody. I’m not a player. And yes, I CAN be trusted,” he then said. It was awful. Purely awful. And even worse, he capped everything else off by boasting, “I’m probably one of the most trustworthy people you’ll ever meet.” (suppressing giggles). Oddly enough, Zara then replied with, “I’m probably one of the most gullible people you’ll ever meet, so it’s perfect!” Okay, she didn’t say that. Instead, she and Tomik began swapping spit, and with the sound of saliva slurping in our ears, the episode ended.

What did you think about this show? What do you think about Zara? Any pop psychologists wish to diagnosis her?