This week on The Bad Girls Club, Kayla is still pissed off. She’s hopping up and down outside of the third place they’ve been kicked out of. The other girls are trying to finish eating but Kayla sees this as disrespect and is screaming so much she’s losing her voice. Damn that’s why she is so skinny! She always gets kicked out before having a meal and then she does aerobics out on the curb until everybody else gets scared enough to come with her. Brilliant!
Sarah is trying to shovel the food in as fast as she can until Whitney explains that they need to leave before Kayla turns green and starts tearing the building apart. Little tip for ya here. Never, ever bother Cherie when she’s eating. I will kill you with a butter knife.
My taters are getting cold!
Kayla is now directing her over blown tirade at Tiffany. Tiff looks like she’s trying her best not to beat the living shit out of Miss Thang. Tiff tells us she’s holding herself back but she’s getting very upset. She continues to ignore Kayla and after a while Kayla realizes that she’s being ignored. And she is NOT happy.
Lord give me strength…
She starts screaming at Tiffany who still doesn’t bother to answer. Kayla says “Is that bitch ignoring me?” Uh yeah? Not only would I be ignoring your ass but I would tell a cop that you have drugs hidden in your anus.
When Tiffany finally comes out to the car Kayla asks “Is you mad , is you not talking to me?” Tiff tells her she ain’t talking to nobody right now. Kayla says she doesn’t care and then keeps yelling “hello!” Then she actually tells Tiffany “I am sensitive and that hurts my feelings cause we are roomates . I don’t want to not get along with none of y’all.”. Well then nutbag I suggest you stop screaming obsentities at them.
I loves you stupid bitch hos!
Kayla explains that to her, if someone has a problem with one of them, then they have a problem with all of them. No bitch, if you want to act like a psycho, be my guest. I however will finish my taters ok?
They finally start to leave and the entire place starts clapping and cheering their departure. Guess who gets mad about that? Yep. That would be Kayla. She threatens to throw her wallet, which she claims is full of “hundreds” at them. Ailea is holding her back and trying to pull her away. By the way, all this happens before the credits even roll.
Bitch you don’t know me!
Back at the house Kayla has a pity party and tells the girls she feels like she is by herself. Whitney decides that Kayla, Tiffany and herself need to have a talk causing Ailea to feel left out and run away. Whitney tells Kayla that they all love her and ……..too late pity party in full swing.
I’m sensitive y’all
Kayla says she feels like she has nobody and that’s been her whole life and starts crying. She says that’s why “I am irritated and sitting here like I am mad at everyone cause I love all y’all” and wah wah wah! Shut it drunk. You act like an ass because people let you get away with it. Tiffany grabs Kayla’s snotty little hand and tells her “we have ya backbone.”
I got ya nose! Wanna see?
She also tells her that if they didn’t care about her they wouldn’t be on the show. Really? So the fact that you are getting paid has nothing to do with you being on the show? Bitch, if they said they’d double your salary you’d drown her ass in the toilet tonight. I’ll do it for free.
Once again Tiffany makes all kinds of sense, totally throwing me. She basically tells Kayla that she used to be her. And that just because she doesn’t get what she wants when she wants its no excuse to act like a crackhead. That she has her back and she cares. Basically. Crisis averted. Dammit.
The next day finds Sarah in the kitchen complaining that they are starved for male attention. The two Ambers agree. Amber B. says that if a group of naked guys walked in the door they’d be the luckiest guys alive. Yeah lucky and seriously dehydrated. Amber Midget decides that maybe they should split up when they go out and they would have a better chance of snagging some action. Sarah continues with the fact that she thought that L.A. would be full of beautiful guys and girls and all she has seen are ugly ass hobbits. Hey L.A. ugly people, please send any and all hate mail to firstname.lastname@example.org thanks. Amber B. agrees and says the only good looking person she has seen was in the mirror. Hang on, I have to get Meemaw to smack me in the head so my eyes will unstick.
Don’t hate me because I am beautiful, and have acne scars.
Later the two Ambers are doing their hair when Amber B. asks if she’s ever smelled skin burning. Midget is all “I don’t even want to know. Tell me!” So Amber B. tells some lame ass story about a dude burning his hand and it smelled. I thought she was gonna talk about when you get rug burn on your knees during sex. (Do not even act like you haven’t!) Midget throws it out there that one time a guy got a little pissed and threw HER into a fire. Not to be out done Amber B.’s boyfriend Scott once sent a video of himself choking his chicken to his ex girlfriend. And she stayed with him. This shocks the hell out of Midget. What I find shocking is she seems to think being thrown in a fire is no biggie but a dude filming himself whacking it is cause for alarm. Try finding a dude with a webcam who isn’t whacking it!
Wait. He did what to his chicken?
Amber B. says he would always apologize. Plus if she tried to stand up for herself he would knock her ass down. He’s the guy she’s still with now. Midget can’t figure out why she would stay with someone like that. Amber B. clears that up for us in her confessional. She says that she wants to break up with him but she doesn’t want anyone else to have him. He’s her property. Oh I see now, you’re a fucking whackadoo just like he is. Mystery solved.
Amber B. shows Midget a picture of Scott and the first thing out of her mouth is “He is so ugly”.
She actually looks horrified.
Amber B. agrees. She has a thing for ugly guys. He’s so ugly in fact, Midget tells us she will never masturbate again. I don’t blame her.
Actual photo of Scott
Oh Oxygen what a way to segue! To the xxx vending machine we go. The girls are loading up on goodies. Midget tries to eat a pair of edible panties and then tells us that the toys will only work for so long because they are in short supply of batteries. They need men. Then Midget starts messing with crotchless edible panties and saying she is scared of balls. That’s why she had hers cut off.
They were saggy and they slapped my legs when I ran.
What do you do when you are a horny skank? You go to the nail salon! This is where Midget confesses she likes girls. She’s experimented. Sort of. She wanted to make out with this guy but he had a girlfriend and so she had to have a threesome in order to get to the guy. Couldn’t she just wait until the girl passed out like most people do? Duh. Use your head Midget.
Ailea tells us that Midget is one of those girls that she would never get along with but since they live together she has to. And then they show a foot. A foot with toes longer than my fingers. Toes are gross people. And toes with 4 inch nails are hideous!
Actual photo of foot.
On the other side of the salon, Amber B. is telling Sarah that she just can’t decide whether she likes Ailea or not. She thinks maybe she’s shady and makes things up. Pretty high standards for someone dating a web whacker. Tiffany realizes that this is the first place they haven’t been kicked out of until someone else says “no it’s the second. We didn’t get kicked out of the grocery store yesterday. Thank you Kayla!” I think Kayla found that a little offensive. I found it accurate.
Later we see Tiff on the phone with her Mom. Mom is telling her to keep her shit together and to remember the bible verse about self discipline. That it applies to her. Her Mom’s voice reminds me of Wanda Sykes and now all I hear in my head is “Free my ass, free my ass”. If you guys didn’t see Crank Yankers then disregard that last statement but I myself am cracking up. Anyway Tiff is being the voice of reason again and explaining in her confessional that Kayla has a long way to go and it will probably get worse before it gets better. OK, is this girl a plant? She is way to sensible to be in this insane asylum!
In the kitchen Ailea is trying to stir up Kayla again. She tells her that she was not happy with how some of the girls were acting last night when Kayla wanted to leave. She says a bunch of shit but its hard to understand her since she’s chewing on a table leg. She then tells us that she’s an instigator and she can start shit and escape undetected because she’s just that good. Oh look, she turned that table leg into a nice jewelry box. She is talented!
In the confessional the Amber’s put on a little show. It was stupid and really not worth mentioning. Luckily it was over quickly.
The girls have devised a way to snag some action. They are going speed dating. Sarah is telling us that they are coming up with some fun questions so they can reel them in. Here’s a sampling of the questions. “How big is your penis? How long can you lick a (bleep)? Are you on HGH or steroids? Do you mind that I am pregnant right now? Do you shave your pubes? How often do you masturbate? Have you ever been with a man? Do you live with your parents? Have you ever had an std? I am so totally shocked that they have that one so far down on the list.
How may times a week do you shower?
In the kitchen Ailea and Kayla are still yacking about how the other girls suck. Or words to that effect. Kayla says her instincts are sharp and she can tell that Tiffany is being fake. She thinks that Tiff is “holding back”. Ailea just keeps it going with “I see how she looks at you”. That little girl is in for one giant ass kicking. She better get to chewing her some nunchucks. She’s going to need them when everybody figures out what a little rat she is.
While the rest of the girls are still making their list of questions, Ailea and Kayla walk into the room. The room is quiet. Ailea quickly makes a comment about the quiet and then decides to get the hell out of the room.
Why y’all so quiet huh?
This signals Kayla’s keen sense of “bitches are being fake” and she decides she is just going to bed. Loudly. The other girls are like WTF? Tiff tries to ask Kayla what’s wrong but Kayla is already upstairs mumbling “bitches, fake ass ho’s” you know, the usual. Sarah tells us that she’s wracking her brain to figure out what the hell set Kayla off this time and she can’t figure it out. Amber B. asks the girls to go ask Kayla whats wrong because she does’t want to hurt her feelings. Then get off your ass and YOU go ask.
Upstairs Kayla and Ailea are continuing their discussion of the fake ass bitches downstairs. As Ailea grins like a little demon Kayla says “Bitches. I am observing, looking at shit, noticing shit, and I notice who ain’t saying nothing to me and who is”. She’s holding her hand in front of her like she got a mic.
And eye eeeeeeeeeeeee eye!
When Tiff comes up to ask her whats wrong she tells them she doesn’t want to talk about it. Tiff says fine and walks off only to have Kayla then say for everybody to come into the hallway so she can tell everybody at once. She tells everybody at once that she has nothing to say! Oh man there is definitely a padded cell in this girls future. Or a cell of some sort.
Kayla keeps making comments and Tiff has had enough. She tells her she hasn’t done anything to her so what the fuck? Kayla says that she must have done something or she wouldn’t be taking it so personally. Yeah when someone calls me a fake ass bitch I never take it personally. In my family its an endearment.
Downstairs Amber B, has put the pieces together and realizes that all was well until Ailea was alone with Kayla. Then the shit hit the fan. Midget and Amber B. are as shocked as the rest of us.
Kayla yells that she just wants to go to bed so please let her go to bed. Nobody is stopping you, take your ass to bed. You freakin’ nutjob. Sarah, Tiff, Whitney and Amber B. are outside trying to figure out what they should do. I know what I would do but for legal reasons I will keep that to myself. Lets just say it involves duct tape, a razor and a permanent magic marker. And her new name would be Luigi.
Tiff tells us that she is getting angry and when they show her hands up close you can see that she is shaking. Amber B. repeats to the girls that Ailea’s sniveling ass is behind Kayla’s blowup. In confessional Ailea and Kayla are grinning and Kayla says she knows Ailea is sneaky but that she loves her and they are on the same page. Anyone want to take bets on how long this little lovefest is going to last?
Best Friends Forever!
The next day the two Ambers are outside. Amber B. is nervous because she’s about to call “him” and she’s afraid of what he will say. Probably “Hold on a sec, here comes the money shot”. Amber B. tells us that Scott is not a good boyfriend, that he’s mean and nasty, and he thinks women are beneath men. BUT she still wants to be with him. Midget tells her that she’s spent so much time yelling at her own sister that she has no energy left to spend on Amber B. I’m betting that Amber B’s version of love would make Dr. Phil eat a bullet.
Inside Tiff and Kayla sit down for a chat. Tiff wants to know if Kayla is mad at her or what? Kayla says she has trust issues so she always thinks everyone is talking about her. That’s not a trust issue, that’s called paranoia. There’s a pill for that. It’s called cyanide.
Tiff continues by asking Kayla what she wants from her. Does she want to be joined at the hip? Kayla says yes, she wants them to eat, sleep, shit and shower together. She says they are black and need to stick together. They are both laughing. Tiff tells her that she was offended by being called fake. And the other girls were too. Because they all like Kayla.(uhh why?) Finally she brings up what I’ve been waiting for. She says Ailea is a little snitch and she’s sneaky and there’s something off about her. Kayla agrees that Ailea is an instigator. Whitney goes and gets the other girls so they can join in the discussion. Ailea comes in wearing some shit on her head that looks like an old lady wig.
Meemaw wants her wig back!
Tiff centers on Ailea immediately and wants her to know that she finds it strange that everything was fine until Ailea went to Kayla. Ailea is biting her nails and stuttering some lame shit but now Tiff is on a roll and wants to know exactly what was said. Ailea rattles off some incoherent shit but the girls seem to buy it somewhat. She promises to stay out of other peoples issues. Ha! Sure she will. And I’ll stay out of the Little Debbie’s snack box hidden in the laundry room.
Amber B. is gearing up for her phone call to Scott. She tells Midget that she wants to know if he went to that bar and “disobeyed” her. Midget actually says to her, “You are not stupid so I don’t understand why you are acting so stupid”. Amber B. says she has an obsession. No OCD patients have an obsession, you are a fucking retard.
The phone by the way is the most hideous thing I’ve ever seen. Seriously, it looks like somebody shoved a phone up a pink dogs ass.
A Paris Hilton design.
Scott answers the phone and already Amber B. has an attitude. She’s all “Scott where were you Thursday?” He stumbles around trying to come up with a lie. Here’s a tip guys, when a girl asks you a question and you start off with “uhhhh” its over. You are busted.
Amber keeps on until he admits he wasn’t out with his parents as he claimed but was indeed at a bar. She says, “You think you are too good for me now? You work at a bar Scott.” He apologizes for lying and she says, “But you did. You decided to be a huge loser and work with fat girls and run the gauntlet every night with nasty ass girls.” She also tells him he’s lucky a girl like her even liked him and he LAUGHS at her. And then he gives a “shout out to his boy Steve”. To which she replies, “This is not even going to air”. Oh yes it is twit. And you look so much more stupid now than you did before. How clueless and deluded can one girl be? Oh hell she’s not through. He wants off the phone but she says not until he realizes what he’s losing. Hahahaha! Hey dumbass he’s aware and he doesn’t give a shit! Now go scrape up what’s left of your dignity if you can find it and invest in some self help books. Or go get plastered.
I still love you, call me!
Oh jeez she is now on a full fledged rant. She tells him he’s a brown bagger, a loser, lives with his parents, he’s ugly, he’s broke, he’s dumb, he abused their dog, his ex’s look like her toe jam, and praise be to heaven they start playing music over her rantings and for a moment I have peace. Then the music stops and she’s yelling at him that she’s been screwing one of his friends and when she gets home she’s going to kick his ass and he will go to jail. Sigh. Pretty sure that’s not how it works braintrust. You kick his ass and YOU will go to jail. However if you pay a “friend” to do it…………
Time for speed dating. The girls are getting ready to go out and Sarah tells us she hopes she can find some dirty, tattooed, pierced, mohawked, don’t shower band boys. Glad to see she has standards. Gross standards but still.
Ailea is worried about this speed dating adventure. It seems she’s only dated people “online” for the last two years. Never in person. That’s not dating. If you ask someone for their credit card number and then talk to them for a few minutes that’s called providing a service. When you date you have to do a whole lot more.
I’ve never dated a real boy.
So Ailea’s very worried about tonight and is crying. Some of the girls try to build her up but Amber B. tells us that she’s just doing it to get attention and that if she can’t go up to a guy and talk, she’s a failure. This coming from a delusional, self destructive mess is laughable. Just ask Scott. If he can pull himself away from the webcam.
The girls all pile into the car to get to the speed dating event. At the club Ailea immediately grabs a drink. Then again looks like all the girls have drinks. The program director lady explains what will happen. They will have 13 dates lasting 5 minutes each. If at the end of all that they find matches they will be informed by email. Uhh no thank you. I have to chat up 13 dudes and then wait to see if one thinks I am good enough? Bite me!
In walks the guys and some of them aren’t bad looking. A couple are a little less than cute and one or two need a bag over their heads. All the girls start screaming and having fun. Except for Ailea. She sits there like a bump on a log looking like she’s going to cry any second. She’s actually pretty cute. When she hides those beaver teeth.
Amber B. asks one guy how many people he’s slept with. He says a lot. Whitney wants to know how much money her guy makes. Sarah asks her dude how often he sleeps with dudes. And one guy tells Tiff that she’s cute and so now she wants to show him her boobs. Finally Ailea introduces herself to a guy and then tells him she’s “fixing to fucking freak out right now”. He looks as scared as she does. Midget asks one dude “What would you stick in my mouth if you could stick anything?” I think the dude almost fainted.
Amber B. asks one guy if he would masturbate to her photo. He said No. Her mouth fell to the floor. Hahaha. Stupid bitch. Ailea starts to warm up a little but then asks a guy if he plays World of Warcraft. And Whitney tells us that she does not find these L.A. men attractive at all. She wants Boston guys. Then go back to Boston skank. Oh that’s right. They don’t don’t want you either.
Whadda ya mean ya don’t like chowdah?
Sarah asks a guy “If I was really into it, would you have sex with a goat”. Thankfully he said no but I think she was disappointed. Midget tells another guy named Matt that they are not “compatadible”. She said it twice. Its like people who say drownded. They should have their lips rippeded of their headededs.
The lady running the show tries to tell everyone that the dates are over and to leave their info with whoever. No one is listening and they are pairing off and going back into the club. Ailea is asking some guy if he’s attracted to her and he hesitates but says yes. That means he’ll do her unless somebody better walks by. Ailea is now drunk and slurring and making a long speech about who the hell knows what.
We’ll have a June wedding…
Amber B. takes a guy off to talk alone. Some of the girls are dancing with each other. Some with guys. Poor drunk Ailea won’t let this guy escape as she tells him if he doesn’t find her attractive it will end her world and would he please kiss her. He looks like he wants to run but he’s not sure he can out run her psychotic ass.
Back to the house the drunken sluts go. Amber B. and her catch are in the hot tub. Kayla is dragging her dude through the kitchen by his crotch. She tells us she wants to leave the drama behind. I think she’s about to leave her drawers behind. They all pile into the hot tub.
Do y’all smell that?
In confessional Tiffany tell us excitedly “There’s penis in the house!” That’s how I am going to greet my husband every day from now on.
Amber B. tells us that speed dating was very successful as she found herself a big, built, white, man. I would laugh like hell if he told her he was Mexican.
Outside Sarah complains that she didn’t find anyone but neither did Midget. She comes out and sits on Sarah’s lap and begins to eat a plate of mac & cheese. Tiff and her guy are sitting there also. So Sarah and Midget start saying that they will just have sex with each other and Midget offers to put her mac “in her”. Sarah would prefer the beer bottle. The guy with Tiff looks excited and afraid equally. I feel the need to go to church, or shower with disinfectant.
Upstairs drunken Ailea has become offended by her date. He’s trying to find out what the hell he said to upset her. She’s crying and slurring and says, “You do not unnerstand where I coming from right now”.
Stop moving the room!
I understand. You are drunk. And more than likely you won’t be standing anywhere for long. All the other dudes leave but Ailea still has her dude trapped upstairs. She’s crying and repeating herself over and over. He keeps telling her to chill out and she keeps shaking her arm at him and mumbling “You have to understand you don’t understand that I am trying”. Good Lord somebody distract her so he can escape.
Tiff tells us that she deals with people getting shot, having cancer, real life things. She says she’s not going to go crying over some guy. “Meet the guy, fuck the guy, kiss the guy. Do what ever you want to do and get the fuck over it”. She is still the only one in the house with any sense.
The following morning we get a glimpse into the fragile little mind of Ailea. It seems her biological dad left her Mom when he found out they were having a girl. That’s harsh. She’s never spoken to him. This she says is why she cannot get along with guys and she feels very alone.
Mr. Hand say’s y’all suck.
Shit. Just when I am having fun you people have to turn the girl into a human. No fair! Sarah feels the same. On the bright side I still have the others to rag on. Yay!
The two Ambers meanwhile are laying in the hammock outside bashing Ailea. They hate her voice. So much so that Midget wants to choke herself when she hears it. They also hate her long ass socks. Gotta say, those bother me too. Amber B. starts mimicing how Ailea whines about not having a boyfriend and Midget cracks up.
Inside Ailea is telling Sarah that no one taught her to swim or ride a bike. The Ambers are then shown talking about how dramatic Ailea is and that if someone were to mention cheeseburgers Ailea would cry and say “Cheeseburgers remind me of my Dad”. I’m sorry but I have to admit I laughed at that one. Just a little.
A tic-tac wouldn’t kill ya!
Inside Ailea is saying she has never gotten along with anyone and outside Amber B. tells Midget they need to do something to get rid of her. But what? Midget says she isn’t conniving like that but never fear because Amber B. says she definitely is. Lyrics about “your 15 minutes are over” start playing as they cut between the Ambers and Sarah and Ailea.
Amber B, in confessional tells us that “if you are going to be a member of the Bad Girls Club, this whiny bullshit isn’t going to fly. Your days are numbered”.
Next week on BGC, skanks get skankier, drunker and they throw shit and fight. Till next week guys!