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Well I hope all you guys had a great holiday and got all you wanted for Christmas. I got a new computer and a wheel barrow to tote around the extra ass I grew. Maybe I should have asked Santa for an exercise bike instead. Screw it. Typing is exercise right? Welcome back to the Bad Girls Club!Tonights episode begins with Kayla flash backing to the previous night. You know the one where she was supposed to strip for money but got so hideously drunk off her ass that she just got naked and then puked? And was then trucked off to the hospital? Apparently they let her come home.
Don’t ya just love people who do stupid things and then say “that wasn’t me”. Well Kayla says “That wasn’t Kayla y’all.” Hate to burst your bubble of delusion but ya huh! That seriously WAS you. You got drunk off your ass and made a fool out of yourself…again.
Tiff starts telling Kayla all the stupid shit she said and did. Like saying she’d been to a mental hospital before and also showing the doc her tiny lil’ titties. Kayla doesn’t remember a lot but she does remember going to the hospital and telling the doc she wanted to fuck him. Can’t fault her there. Having no insurance myself, I may have to try that one next time I OD.
In another part of the mad house, Geezer Bait, aka Ailea has had a thought. She thinks the girls should have a “Flashdance” moment. You know wear the off the shoulder shirts and leg warmers. And dance around. Boston thinks this would be so funny and people would just stare. Yeah, pretty sure they’d stare anyway.
And just by the by, what the hell is up with all the oh the 60′s are back, the 80′s are back? How can something come back when it never freakin goes away? It was painful enough the first time. The 80′s I mean. I ain’t old enough to remember the 60′s but damn that shit looked gross enough in pictures. Sorry to all you hippies out there. Wait no I’m not! Take a bath and get a job and put on some goddamn shoes!
The Ambers start whispering about how the other twits are acting retarded. Ironic no? Amber tells Midget that they are dressing like the 80′s and Midget astutely points out that thats how Geezer Bait dresses anyway. LOL Midget. Have I mentioned she’s my fav? They both agree that the other girls are stupid.
The GoGo’s depart the house and as soon as they get in the car, Geezer Bait, Boston, and Sarah start gossiping.
Geezer Bait thinks that if the Amber’s and Kayla team up that the Amber’s will hide behind Kayla. Because Kayla has a strong personality and the Amber’s just take a backseat. Uhh did they miss the episode where Midget was basically begging Kayla to whip her ass? That girl is tough. Or retarded. Or both.
Ailea decides that she will try to be cordial to Midget even though she can’t stand her. And in the next sentence she says “The next time that 4 foot blonde elf ever says a word to me and it’s negative, I will step on her.” Ha, an elf stepped on by a beaver. That I’d pay to see. Not money. But I’d pay attention. And laugh. Especially when the elf kicks the beaver’s ass.Sarah tells her that she should convey her feelings to Midget. Sarah is trying to start shit. I may have to like her now.
Back at the house Amber B. is with that stubby faced dude she met at a bar. Greg.
She says he’s genuine and wants to know her for her and meet her family. Uh huh, OR, he wants to be on tv and convince everyone he’s not gay by appearing to bang a skank while on tv. She shows him a picture of her Mom and he says “Your Mom is hot”. Amber thinks its sweet. If my husband had said my Mom was hot I would have puked. Especially since she’s in her 70′s.
Anyway, she drags him into the confessional and starts asking him questions. Like how many girls he’s slept with. He says 2. She thinks its cute. He says he’s not a big girlfriend guy. So she asks him the obvious. “Does that mean you do dudes? This is L.A.” I think it takes him a little too long to answer but he manages to say “NO! I am as straight as ever!” Thats code for “I was at The Fault Line last night. Then he admits he has kissed his guy friends on the lips. See told ya he was gay.
Back to Kayla, Tiff and Boston. Kayla has a drink in her hand and I’m wondering if perhaps it contains alcohol. Surely not after having to go to the hospital the night before? Tiff asks Kayla whats on her mind. That can’t be good.
Kayla starts rambling about how Tiff has lighter skin than she does and better hair. She says when she first saw her it reminded her of her ex boyfriend because he was always saying she had bad hair and was too dark. I can relate, when my dog takes a shit I think of my ex husband.
She keeps rambling about how her hair is all screwed until she gels it and she now has a complex against light skinned blacks because of her boyfriend. I have a complex against abusive hygienically challenged ogres.
Tiff asks Kayla if that effects her perception of her as a person and Kayla says yes. That when she first got to the house and saw another black girl, one who was lighter than her, she was pissed. She then continues to blame all this on her ex boyfriend because it would make to much sense to figure out its her own damn issue and get over herself. Kayla says that she hates a light skinned bitch. Tiff tells us in confessional that since she’s part white and part black she sometimes has an issue with where to place herself. But that she doesn’t deal well with racism. Someone once told her they thought racism was over. Yeah I thought bell bottoms were over. We were both wrong. After asking Kayla if she would hate her if they weren’t in the house, Kayla just smirks at her.
Tiff calls her boyfriend Skeet. I did not make that up. She tells him she misses him and then unloads about Kayla and warns that she’s about to snap. She says when she gets mad the ghetto just comes out of her.
Up in Amber’s room she’s showing Stubface some lingerie. He wants her to put it on for him but she just lays it out on the bed. He says thats no fun. He then makes all kinds of comments about how he wants to see her in it and it just sounds a little too rehearsed.
He then says “If I was a guy, and I had a chance to wear that I would do it.” Hey gay boy, your Freudian slip is showing! Realizing his mistake/admission he corrects himself.
Amber who lives on Planet Oblivion, says its hard to get any alone time in the house. Then we hear slurping sounds and see a closet door. Amber keeps asking Stubface if he thinks the other girls “know” and he tells her shut up because her girly voice is messing up the image of that dude from Twilight that he is using to get thru this god awful experience with a GIRL!
We have visitors! Tiff’s friend Marcus and some other dude come over. Geezer Bait tells us that when Tiff see’s Marcus her eyes light up and she’s afraid Tiff will forget about the dude back home. His name is Skeet, in case you forgot. The drinks are flowing and everyone’s laughing and having a good time. Except Kayla.
Tiff tells us that she likes Marcus but she has a guy back home and so she’s gonna play it cool. Then she says who knows, its all up in the air right now and its all fair game. That means her drawers will be flying off sooner than later.
Gross. Back upstairs there’s more slurping and whispering. They both come out of the closet, wait, I mean they literally come out and join the others. Pretty sure Stubface is still in the figurative closet.
Anyway back downstairs Midget is asking Marcus if he thinks he’s “a big deal?” He asks what she means and she says “Like me”. This turns into boob comparison. Midget says she thought she was “big” until she met Sarah.
In the kitchen Boston and Kayla are getting pots and pans. Kayla is telling us that in the house they either follow her or Tiff. They are the leaders. As she’s saying this Midget is laying in Tiff’s lap letting her braid her hair or look for lice, can’t tell which.
Suddenly Kayla and Boston bust into the room banging pans and singing “We hate y’all bitches. We hate y’all ho’s!”. Excuse me. A. Not an original idea and 2. You suck at playing the part of Tanisha!
Tiff is not thrilled with the display. And as the two wannabe’s keep acting like fools, Tiff tells us that Kayla just wants attention and that “this is so last year.” Cut to a scene of my all time fav (sorry Midget) Bad Girl Tanisha in all her glory. Love her!
The looks on the others faces say it all for me.Tiff is embarrased and pissed.
And this dude’s face cracks me up. Its how I looked after spending time with my family over the holidays.
Later she tells Sarah and Amber that she’s about to go off. Amber says she’s is terrified of Krazy Kayla. Sarah doesn’t understand what it was all about. Does anybody? Tiff says if she goes off its gonna be “my hands around yo motherfucking neck!”
Tiff warns us that she’s waiting. And when “it” happens everybody’s gonna see her true colors. And as she leaves Sarah and Amber she says “Believe that!” and she says it 3 times. Yes! She’s finally gonna lose her shit! I’ve been waiting for this to happen. I mean, dang I hope no one gets hurt.
Later in the car, Sarah, Amber and Geezer Bait are talking about Kayla and Tiff. They know there’s a battle going on. Sarah tells us that its not over and that Tiff is frustrated with Kayla.
Next we see all the girls at the laundramat. Wait, they have a freakin dildo machine but not a washer and dryer? Hey Oxygen, rude!
So as they are washing their clothes Midget decides they need to “hustle”. When asked what kind of hustle, one of her ideas is that they should open a naked laundarmat. She tells us she went to school for a reason. Because it was required by law? Because thats where the short bus dropped you off every day? No? Moving along.
Uh oh. We have deep conversation now. Tiff is telling Sarah that Kayla’s complex goes all the way back to slavery. She said that the light skinned slaves didn’t have to work outside because they were considered better. And that light skinned women were often times conceited. That its a shallow way of thinking. She tells us that here in this house in 2008 she didn’t think she’d have to deal with this.
Back at the house Geezer Bait is on the phone with Geezer Dude. Kayla is with her. Geezer Bait is confirming that they have reservations at 8 and she wants his old ass there on time. He says he’s punctual. And that he takes his Metamucil twice a day at the same time every day.
She reminds him to wear his fancy truss and they say goodbye. Geezer Bait immediately jumps up and screams yes! Kayla tells her she’s goofy and in love and then mumbles about who needs love, to hell with love.
Tiff and Kayla start teasing Geezer Bait about her reaction to Geezer Dude and laughing at her. Geezer Bait chases Kayla into the bedroom knocking her down. Kayla says there will be none of that lesbo shit since thats how the fighting started last time. Then she asks Geezer Bait for a tongue kiss. Giggles all around.
Off to get ready. Geezer Bait is worried about how she will look and what Geezer Dude will think of it. Hey dingbat, you are dating Moses, you could come dressed as an old amish woman and he’d be thrilled.
The girls finally finish getting ready and get their asses to Azami Sushi Cafe to meet Geezer Dude. Midget tells us that everyone else thinks that Bait and Dude are cute together but she thinks its gross. She thinks that Bait is looking for a father figure and Dude is looking for “arm candy”. I think he’s looking for little girl candy but thats just me.
As Bait and Geezer slobber all over each other Amber tells us she does not approve of Sugar Daddies. And to prove it she tells us she’s only ever dated unemployed guys. Wow, next she’ll tell us she has a habit of falling for guys on the down low. Geezer is trying to teach Bait how to spell cat and the Ambers are whispering about them. Midget asks “Does she give him ass?” To which Amber replies “Eew!”
Geezer Bait is not as stupid as it would seem since she can tell that the Ambers are talking about her. That and they are sitting right there with them. She tells us that she would like to break Midgets jaw so she would stop running off at the mouth.
Back at the house Tiff, Kayla, Amber and Midget are trying to figure out how old Geezer Dude is. One thinks 40ish and Tiff thinks 50′s. Kayla says she’s happy for Ailea’s situation but shut the hell up already. Midget then has a seizure.
Oh wait she’s making fun of Ailea again. Amber says that she was so pissed off because of Ailea’s forcing them out the door. Midget tells us she’s not jealous that she has a guy, she just doesn’t get why they can’t go out alone so she doesn’t have to sit and watch Geezer Dude’s arteries harden.
Oh crap. Another episode of The Amber Show. This one centers around internet dating, and dating your father or grandpap. And how gross it is.
LOL I like this episode. Midget says its perverted and nasty. Amber says Ailea says she doesn’t know her Dad, and what if Geezer Dude actually is her DAD!!! To which Midget cracks up and falls over.
Geezer Bait tells us that she needs to have a chat with Midget. They go outside.
Bait tells Midget that a couple of comments that she made offended her. Midget tells her that everything she ever says to Bait offends her. Bait says “You know, I don’t think anybody hears it except myself. I don’t think anybody else is receptive because to the comments you made it just so happens that I listen to it more so than others.” As she’s reciting this gibberish her leg is bouncing up and down like crazy. She’s getting more and more animated and then she’s chewing her thumb.
Midget tells her that everytime they go out they are on Geezer Dude’s time and that Bait is rushing them and why can’t the two of them just go be gross alone. Bait explains that she likes to be either 2 hours early or 2 minutes late. Its official, this girl is off the reservation. Now Midget is getting pissed too as she explains to Bait that this not planet Ailea its Earth and there are other people here.
Now Bait is literally hopping up and down in her chair and waving her arms and saying some stupid shit about how they will have a problem if Midget keeps bringing Kevin up. Now she’s on her feet and Midget is still sitting in the chair looking bored.
Suddenly Bait totally loses her shit and throws her stinky little hat off and pushes a chair and starts screaming at Midget. Who by the way is still sitting down. Does anything faze this girl? From somewhere Boston and Sarah come flying in to grab Bait who goes even nuttier and starts screaming in a voice only dogs can hear.
Amber comes out and escorts Midget into the house. Midgets only comment is that Bait is annoying. No crabs are annoying. Bait is fucking way worse.
Midget and Amber are talking about Bait. Midget says she’s over trying to pretend to get along with her. Amber says Bait is overly sensitive. Midget then re-enacts Baits ridiculous tantrum and smacks Amber in the gut in the process. She coughs and then says Midget just needs to ignore her like she does. Amber says she and Midget are really good at tuning people out. Midget agrees.
Over in Camp NuttyPuss, Bait is telling Kayla that she just can’t take Midgets comments anymore. That she wonders if she imagines some of it and so she doesn’t say anything. Kayla in a rare moment of clarity tells her that maybe she is just over thinking it. And she thinks what happened is just silly. Bait tells us she’s done with Midget and thats that.
On the phone Amber is talking to Stubface. She asks him if he lives alone and he says no. She reminds him that he told her he did. He says that was a lie. She asks him who he lives with and he says he doesn’t want to talk about it.
Haha I bet he lives with Richard Simmons! She keeps pushing and he finally admits he lives with a girl. This makes super smart Amber suspicious. Is she an ex? She is. Sort of. He still lives with her and he may or may not still sleep in the same bed as she does and maybe she might not know he plans to move out. TRANSLATION: He’s living with her and going to gay clubs on the side. She’s getting suspicious so he found you to replace her as his beard and he’s getting ready to make his escape as soon as he can prove he’s screwing another girl and not Hobo Sam on the corner.
Amber keeps asking him stupid questions. Like, does she still think you guys are together? And he says “Ya know thats the part thats kinda you know, tough to call”. Uh no its not. Its simple pudface. Either she knows you are a fuckaround or she doesn’t. This is where normal girls would hang up the phone and move along. But this is not a normal girl. She just thinks its kinda weird and disturbing. Then he says “So ya want me to come over later?”
Amber goes to consult the others. Boston is all offended that this dude would have the balls to be living with one girl and fucking with Amber. Boston tries to tell Amber that he’s a liar and a no good tool. Boston says she wouldn’t trust him from a hole in the wall. Hell I wouldn’t trust him with a hole in the wall.
Guess who’s at the door. Its Stubface and he comes in the door with flowers. How sweet. And gross. Bet he stole them from his girlfriend/beard. Amber tells us that she likes Greg and wants to believe him but she has doubts. But he’s spending the night. Stupidity thy name is Amber!
Up in the bedroom Amber questions him a little further. He asks her if she thinks he’s bullshitting her and she says yes. He says he is a third generation Eagle Scout. OK. He pulls out his card to prove it. Amber giggles and says “you’re a boy scout!” and she really wants to believe him so she’s giving him the benefit of the doubt. And some tail.
Downstairs Midget is cooking some noodles and talking about Stubface. She doesn’t like him. Sarah doesn’t either. She says he has the haircut of a fourth grader, huge muscles, and he’s obnoxious. And dumb. And absolutely perfect for Amber.
Back upstairs Stubface is telling Amber that whenever he gets drunk, he humps anything. Furniture,clothes,cabinets, peoples faces, (dudes). Downstairs Geezer Bait yells that Geezer Dude has just pulled up. I thought I smelled BenGay.
Geezer Bait tells us that when she’s around Geezer Dude she becomes a little kid. Because that what he likes being a pervert and all. She runs outside and throws herself at him and he catches her in his arms. And almost falls over.
Bait tells us that “Kevin can always make my dimple come out.” Yeah and if you were a couple of years younger the cops would come out. Ick.
Inside Bait tells Geezer that she has a nickname for him. She calls him her “lovah”. I am so gonna barf. And then he says “lovah” too and completes the gross me out portion of tonights show. Then they start sucking face and I am about to jab my eyes out with my own thumbs when the camera thankfully turns to Kayla, Boston and Sarah. Boston is telling Kayla she should never be worried about a light skinned girl or a dark skinned girl or whatever. To which Kayla replies “I hear you but when your own family don’t love you why give a fuck?” Wah wah wah…….big Kayla pity party.
Boston tells her she acts up for one reason and one reason only. Then she names 2 reasons. “Number one for attention, or number 2 cause you feel like you are inferior because somebody is hating on you. And nobody in this house hates on you.” Wah wah some more about how nobody understands the trouble she’s seen and she has all these tickets she needs to pay for and she doesn’t want pity and blah blah blah. Good thing you don’t want pity, I’m fresh out. Pay your damn tickets and shut it already. Haha Sarah tells her to deal with the hand you were dealt. Damn. That actually made sense. Oh jeeze, Boston tells her “If you can make it here you can make it anywhere! Dreams come true!.” Yeah if you can make it in a mansion in L.A. where everything is provided for you including booze and dildos, the real world is nothing. Piece of cake. Dingbats.
Upstairs Stubface and Amber are under the covers and Amber announces she didn’t take her birth control today. Stubface says he didn’t either. Then in sub titles we see “Are they real?”
Of course Amber says yes. He thinks thats awesome. Then he pulls his head out of the covers to burp. Amber is impressed with his romantic skills.
Downstairs Bait and Geezer are talking about their pasts. Only Bait doesn’t want to talk about hers. All five minutes of it. He tells her she will have to tell him at some point. Its all a part of the healing process. So Bait announces that she’s crazy. He laughs and asks what does she mean crazy? Like certifiable?
And she says yes. She was in an institution. And she would throw things and get angry and yell and break things and want to hurt people. Then she says for him to think of the worst ever possible scenario times like 10 million. Ok, She has officially surpassed my Uncle Jebediah on the crazy scale. And he makes macaroni art greeting cards. Only he uses boogers. And he sends them to us on Christmas. This actually seems to shock old Geezer Dude just a little. Bait says she is not even exaggerating, at all. He tells her please tell him it was a long time ago, and he’s laughing. She says 2 years ago, and he stops laughing.
He tells her that one is definately out there. Bait says she hopes it doesn’t change how he feels because she really likes him. Then she asks him if he’s really freaking out and pretending to be calm until he leaves. He says “Is it that obvious?” And he gets up to leave. I would leave skid marks.
Back upstairs Stubface tells Amber he has to listen to one song before they go to bed. Jukebox Hero. By Foreigner. And he puts headphones on. I bet he’s listening to Liza. The lights go out and we hear a zipper. Then we see its the next morning and they are kissing and talking. Stubface says he likes kissing her and she says she likes being the only one. (Yep, a vein just popped in my head)
Then he says his phone is probably just going crazy. Amber says “Oh you mean her?” He says “Yeah”. She tells him “you must still be with her if she cares about you like that”. He says “Babe its not like that”. Cut to Miss Brilliance in confessional saying “If she’s his ex then why is she blowing up his phone? That doesn’t make sense to me.” Wow she’s sharp. Nothing gets past her. Except everything. Dumbass.
Then she and Stubface are talking and Amber says “This must look bad. We look like bad people.” And we see a big bowl of condoms on the night stand and a tissue and open condom wrapper on the floor. Classy.
They finally say goodbye outside and Amber goes back in to talk with the girls. About Stubface. Tiff’s conclusion. Stubface is a douche bag. Sarah says you have to be able to trust him and Amber says she doesn’t. She also says she wishes she hadn’t let him stay over. Tiff tells her thats ok. Thats not bad on her, its bad on him. And Sarah says “Its ok cause you didn’t do anything you’d regret. You didn’t sleep with him.” Hahahaha! She swears she didn’t “give it up last night”. Cut to footage of her backed up against him in the bed making gross sounds.
Some time later they all go to a club. They are dancing and drinking and having a great time. Midget tells us she can’t figure out why Amber dates assholes.
Then we see Amber and Stubface arguing/talking/flirting. In between they cut to the other girls dancing. And Kayla says “My dress is splitting. And she isn’t wearing panties. Everybody’s laughing.Except Kayla.
She yells and screams and throws a tantrum. Tiff walks her out of the club and she jumps into the limo and starts ripping her dress off. She’s all “wah wah I’m ready to go home.” She’s having a full fledged nut fit in the backseat and leaving God only knows what on that seat. Tiff jumps in and tells her to “cover yo ass up!”
Kayla says she is tired of being the center of attention. Tiff points out “what the fuck do you think you are doing right now?’ Tiff jumps out of the limo saying “on my life I am gonnna fuck her up.” Kayla continues screaming in the limo and Tiff is losing outside the limo. Tiff tells us she is sick of Kayla and her drama. Boston tells us “Kayla, with her panties off and cooch out, is so attention starved and its bullshit. Its embarrassing.”
On the side walk Amber is still telling Stubface that he’s a liar and a cheater. He denies this and says he’s a farmboy. Then Amber goes off about how she wants to go back to Pittsburgh so she can hunt and fish. Because you can’t do that in L.A. And then they argue about that. She wants Stubface to tell her where in L.A. she can put her stand up so she can hunt. I rewind because I had to have missed something. Nope. They are arguing about hunting and fishing.
Back to Kayla who is now wearing Ailea’s shirt but still no panties. She’s hopping around from seat to seat. Tiff is yelling at her. Sarah is smoking and rolling her eyes. I think she’s talking to her boobs.
Again Stubface and Amber arguing and Stubface threatens to walk off after Amber puts her hand over his mouth. I wish they’d both walk off a cliff. Amber wants Stubface to have his Not-Girlfriend call her and prove they aren’t together. He says no way. She says she’ll find her then. Thats not creepy as hell at all. Amber tells us she’s done with Stubface and she’s learned her lesson. Sure. I didn’t eat half a pound cake over the holidays either. Ok I ate the whole thing.
More arguing from the limo. Tiff is in the middle of a long over due shit fit. She’s jumping up and down in the seat and telling, screaming at Kayla to “Suare up! Square the fuck up!” And she’s losing her voice. Kayla is quiet and tells us that “I can be upset. I live in L.A. and you don’t. And thats that.” I’m sure that made some kind of sense in Kaylaland but I’m lost.
Finally they get home. Tiff walks into the house mumbling “Unclassy ass bitch. Keep your legs closed.” Outside she tells Sarah she’s tired of dealing with Kayla. She has loved her, tried to be there for her and every time she gets an ounce of liquor in her body she goes crazy. Sarah tells Tiff that she’s not there to help anybody else , Tiff is there to help herself. Did we switch shows? Is this the Dr. Phil House? Hello, the last time I checked this was not a self help academy. Tiff tells Sarah that she’s silent for a reason. She’s a deadly weapon and she will fuck yo ass up.
Bait is on the phone making sure that Geezer hasn’t moved and changed his name. He tells her he still wants to be with her even though she’s batshit crazy. He’s not scared. Then he tells her that that place is bad for her. Its a bad scene. Then he says he has to go before the Country Kitchen Buffet closes.
Upstairs Kayla is bitching and moaning to Amber. About “the bitches down there”. Tiff can hear her. As Kayla is bitching about everybody attacking her Tiff shows up and tells her nobody is attacking her and if she has something to say say it to her. Then she loses it.
Kayla backs up against a wall and Tiff goes crazy. Kayla tells us “bitch is getting an attitude and I am about to shut down.” She also says she’s tired of being the center of attention. That must be why she strips naked every where she goes.
Tiff also tells Amber that she doesn’t need to be in the middle of this shit. Midget leans over to Bait and says “I’m confused”. Yeah me too. Why hasn’t this episode ended yet?
The more Tiff yells and bounces the quieter Kayla gets. I do believe she is scared of Tiff. Hell I am scared of Tiff right now. Amber tells us that for three weeks Tiff was all nice but tonight she finally see’s why she’s here.
Kayla tells Tiff she still loves her in this tiny little voice and Tiff says “Now we into it. We into it!”
Kayla says “We are into it” in an even smaller voice and Tiff says “War!” Kayla quietly agrees “Its war.”
Then she tells Tiff goodnight and as Tiff is walking away she yells back “No it ain’t no goodnight. I ain’t going to sleep bitch.”
Methinks the Tiff Monster has been released. Next week we get to see the fight between Kayla and Midget that was shown in episode one. Till next week folks.