Baseball Wives Episode 2 Recap

Hi Gasmii! I had the displeasure of watching the second episode of VH-1’s Baseball Wives and now I have the pleasure of recapping it for you. If you missed the episode, go ahead and squeeze a lemon directly into your eyes; it mirrors he experience of watching the show and it will save you twenty-odd minutes of life you’re never getting back.

Who wants to talk more about Chantel and Erika’s fight? “No one” should be the answer to that question, but our ball handlers can’t seem to let it go. Since Chantel is a ginormous baby, she has decided to see Erika’s mean girl gossip and raise her a charity-event ruining confrontation that falls completely flat.

SEE WHAT YOUR GOSSIP HATH WROUGHT,  GOLLUM?!?!? Thanks for NOTHING.

We begin exactly where we were three minutes before the end of the series premiere because VH-1 thinks we’re the old lady from The Notebook and we need to be reminded of what happened due to our crippling senility. Chantel isn’t getting anywhere with her B.S. / f-bomb laden confrontation of Erika. Erika refuses to apologize without blaming Chantel in the process. Chantel has finally had enough so she leaves the other ladies alone to process the trailer park fight they just experienced in the middle of the restaurant.

Erika admits to the other ladies that she was wrong to say Chantel was “bottom of the barrel” – we all know that “in front of Gollum” is the unsaid end of that sentence. She tearfully tries to explain that she grew up in a dysfunctional home and she doesn’t want her daughter to grow up in that kind of environment. I don’t blame her; when you invite people into your home when there are kids present, it is reasonable to expect that the ladies won’t ramble on about fucking as if they were lounging backstage at the strip club.

“I didn’t mean to be rude, I’m just not used to having whores in my kitchen!”

Ramona is not having it. She thinks that Erika is crying for herself, not because she hurt Chantel. WHY WILL NO ONE HEAR WHAT ERIKA IS REALLY SAYING?? Erika may be uptight and a snob, but she was offended by the conversations taking place at her home in front of her daughter. The reasonable people – Brooke and Tanya – understand this. Gollum is too young and not a parent, so this doesn’t sink in for her, and Ramona probably says all kinds of crazy shit in front of her kids, so she can’t relate to Erika’s concern.

“The sooner your kids know the realities of blow jobs, the better! She’s almost in junior high, for fucks’ sake!”

Ramona Ricketts tells Erika she needs something but she’s bleeped out. It’s safe to assume it somehow relates to sex or murder. She’s just trying to help; Ramona sees Erika as too high-strung, and this whole experience can help her relax and progress into a better person.

This is what Ramona sees when she looks at Erika

Later, Chantel and Gollum roll to Ramona’s house. Ramona has summoned them to Turkey Point to discuss Erika’s comments. I cannot believe they’re still talking about this. All I have learned from this show is that if you have sexual relations with a professional baseball player, you spend your days obsessing over nothing and your nights getting wasted with women you’d rather not spend time with.

Ramona wants Chantel to make peace with Erika, but her directive manner does not sit well with Chantel. Chantel seems like the kind of person that would rather suffer than do something because she was told to do it. From the looks of her, someone told Chantel to eat something back in 2006 and she’s been on a hunger strike to spite that person since.

Chantel shares an apology text from Erika that seems mature and sincere enough but Chantel has allowed the initial comment to drive her to the height of self-righteous anger and she’s not interested in making peace. Ramona insists that Erika has done her part, and now it’s Chantel’s turn. This only serves to piss off Chantel.

“Erika sent me this long apology text. What a bitch.”

“Well maybe you should accept her apology so we can all move on with our lives.”

“You’re not the boss of me.”

Chantel doesn’t appreciate Ramona’s self-appointment as the arbitrator of all fights on Baseball Wives . Bottom line: Chantel will forgive Erika when she is ready, and she doesn’t need Ramona to tell her how to conduct her affairs. We also get to see how the crazy in Chantel’s brain works: according to her version of events, she addressed the issue as best she could at lunch and now she’s done. Either she is crazy, or her “best” is truly tragic.

Instead of giving serious consideration to moving on from Bottom-of-the-Barrel-gate, Chantel invites Gollum over to discuss the issue EVEN FURTHER. Is there anything left to talk about at this point??

Gollum, next time keep your mouth shut. And your legs.  Just do the opposite of what you think you should do at all times. Love, LB.

Chantel thinks Erika’s apology is as fake as her boobs, and she does not respect Erika’s quest to appear perfect. I guess having class and not discussing humping in front of kids makes you a fake asshole. She’s still upset that Erika could not apologize without a “but.” Gollum and Chantel agree that genuine apologies don’t have a but. Much like Chantel.

We FINALLY get a reprieve from BOTB-gate when Chantel and Tanya hit up the batting cages for a double date! Glen the Gusband has been guy hunting for Chantel. I guess this means he’s given up on the quest to help her become an independent person. Tanya and Chantel decide they need a code word in case the dates are awful. I have an idea! If you’re not interested, tell them the story of everything that’s happened since Erika’s party. I guarantee the men will find a way to excuse themselves.

First guy shows up: Remus – Glen hooked Chantel up with a Wizard/Werewolf?? JUST KIDDING! A little Harry Potter for mah nerdz!

Remus is tall, pale, skinny, and on the nerdy side, so I figure he’s out until we learn he’s a plastic surgeon! Nice one, Glen! Second guy is Kris, who is physically more their type. Kris owns two tech businesses. Tanya tells him she’s tech retarded, but that’s okay because so is he! I bet his employees LOOOVE hearing that the guy who makes all the money doesn’t know shit about what they do.

Luddites in Love

Time to hit up the batting cages – Tanya is awesome, Chantel is not great. Kris is good – this good for Tanya. Remus is not athletic and stinks, but according to Chantel, he’s cute in his own little way that involves the letters “M” and “D’. Chantel, marrying a ballplayer did not work out for you. Go for the doctor – he doesn’t travel all the time, he doesn’t have anyone chasing his cleats, and he seems like a nice guy. I think I just listed all the reasons this has zero chance of working out, so never mind.

Time for another outing! We need as many artificial reasons for these women to be around each other as possible, or there’s no show. Ramona has invited all the ladies to the gun range, but only the brunettes decide to go. She’s not sure why Erika and Chantel declined, but it’s clear that this is not Erika’s thing (and she has an actual job) and Chantel is secret-pissed at Ramona. Why the gun range? Ramona wants to see how they shoot; I agree. You need to know who to take with you during the inevitable zombie apocalypse.

Tanya is the only other lady with any gun experience – she once shot an automatic handgun. Ramona kind of grills her for this information, and because Ramona is already aggressive and now she’s dressed like a soldier, it’s freaking everyone out a little, including me.

Chill out, Sarah Connor – the machines lost.

Upon arrival at the range, Tanya immediately zeroes in on Morgan, the gun range muscle man.

“Welcome to my gun range, my name is-”

“MINE. Your name is MINE.”

The ladies have to change because they aren’t dressed properly. How do you dress for the gun range? T-shirts! It’s good to know that I am properly dressed for the gun range 99% of the time.

Morgan introduces them to the M64, the machine gun featured in Sylvester Stallone’s career-making turd, “Rambo.” He asks for volunteers, and I give you one guess who steps up! Ramona!

She lets it rip and GOOD LORD it’s a powerful gun. You could shoot someone’s legs off without even trying. Can I just say that the idea that weapons like this even exist blows my mind? Hippie peacenik rant over.

Ramona loves having a gun in her hands, but she loves her husband even more. I don’t like where this is going, and neither do the show editors, so we’re spared the pain of hearing a sonnet to the hand job.

Apparently the M64 is too much for Gollum, so she shoots a handgun that appears to have a silencer attached to it. She looks sinfully happy about what she’s doing, so it’s safe to say she’s pretending to shoot her ex. I hope he gets a security guard and a kevlar vest. I could see Gollum going off the deep end:

This is the photo Dateline will show over and over after Gollum shoots her ex

It’s Tanya’s turn, and she takes the opportunity to get her flirt on with Marco. She gives him a rhyme to help remember her name: Tanya gets up on ya! AHAHAHA. I wish there was some skanky wordplay I could use to help others remember my name.

Tanya is firing some crazy looking automatic weapon while Morgan holds her in place; she’s so skinny that the gun will send her flying backwards without his help. Marco has a new career – Ho-Stop!

Ho-Stop – coming soon to SkyMall and Walmart!

Tanya and Morgan are flirty flirty. Brooke is a good wingman and suggests that Morgan join them at the bar later. He’s in! Tanya, you owe Brooke.

Instead of going to one of the many Scottsdale clubs, they’re going to hit up one of Ramona’s favorite bars. I cannot wait to see where Ramona Ricketts likes to get her drink on, and she does not disappoint: It’s Jakes O’ Mine – a motorcycle bar. It’s NOT in Scottsdale; it’s not even CLOSE to Scottsdale. The bar is located in Apache Junction, which is at least 30-60 minutes away from where these ladies live. I cannot believe they actually agreed to go all the way out there, but there is no way in hell they did not know what they were getting into when they heard “AJ”. Trust.

VH-1 probably thought this would make for some good screen time, but it really doesn’t. The ladies are clearly out of their element. There’s a NO WEAPONS sign at the door and a guy giving another guy a tattoo.

Always a sign of a classy joint!

They essentially walked into a scene from Pee Wee’s Big Adventure – I hope the juke box plays Tequila!

“I say we hang ‘em then we kill ‘em”

“I saw we let ‘em go!”

Gollum thinks Jake’s O Mine is dirty and gross; I don’t know why she’s so upset since it sounds to me like she’ll fit right in. Morgan shows up, so the night is not a loss for Tanya. They flirt up a storm and she jokes that she has been hitting on other guys in the bar. HAHAHAHAHA.

This guy is totally giving Morgan a run for his money

Tanya is all excited because Morgan is wowing her in a way she hasn’t felt since Mark (the ex). He IS hot, and he can protect her if there’s a violent revolution, so I support it.

At some other point in time, we join Chantel at the spa where she plans to meet her friend Shayla (married to Kyle Farnsworth.) Chantel needs to re-rant about Erika and start in on Ramona.

“Did I tell you how Erika is mean and Ramona is Bossy? Don’t worry, it’s going in my Christmas newsletter”

She says she likes Ramona but she doesn’t like how Ramona tries to tell her what to do. It time to put Ramona in her place!

So apparently Ramona messed with Chantel’s friend Cheri back in the day. Cheri broke up a baseball marriage and somehow ended up on the same flight to San Diego as Ramona. Ramona passed her a cocktail napkin with a message: “Go back to Houston you cleat chasing homewrecker!” Chantel doesn’t condone homewrecking, but she connected with the homewrecker, so she’ll make an exception.

What does this story have to do with anything? Chantel is flying Cheri out to Scottsdale to tangle with Ramona! That’s right, rather than confront Ramona herself, she’s bringing in someone else to do it for her. Girl’s done gone and arranged herself a designated bitcher! BOOOOOO. This is so weak and lame, I can hardly handle it. Chantel says that Cheri is the only thing Ramona is afraid of. Besides gun control. And PETA. And manners.

Now that she has a plan, Chantel can focus on more important things, like her boobs! She heads over to cosmetic laser solutions to see Dr. Remus from the date. There was no love connection, but that doesn’t mean Chantel won’t let him check out her boobs. She also wants to have a botox party with the ladies. Dr. Remus is quite polite and asks Chantel what she wants to change. She wants his professional opinion on her boobies and whether or not he can make them better. Chantel has the space to go bigger, but she doesn’t have the skin. Hm, sounds like someone else I know:

“Chantel, put the lotion on the skin or else it gets the hose again”

Remus does not suggest going bigger. He likes the natural “everything makes sense” look. I LOVE THIS. I am going to a plastic surgeon just so I can disrobe and shout “I want my boobs to make sense!!!” and then burst into tears.

Chantel doesn’t like big fake jugs either. She is concerned about a skin pocket that has developed by her boobs. I am concerned too – you’re not supposed to get that crazy skin pocket until you’re at least 70. Remus thinks that all she needs to do is gain weight.

“I can’t recommend any surgery, but I can write you a prescription for a dozen donuts.”

AMEN! Now that her boobs are squared away, Chantel pleads with Dr. Remus to help her throw a botox party! She thinks it will help Remus loosen up. She’s like Ramona Jr. and she doesn’t even know it.

” You need to be the person I tell you to be. Also, I need to bitch about my friend who is trying to tell me what kind of person I need to be. Can you believe that shit?”

Remus agrees to the botox party. Chantel rolls to the party and let’s us know that she’s keeping her soon-to-arrive guest to herself. HOW can she not see that this is completely ridiculous? Talk about FAKE! You’re pretending to be cool with Ramona while seething with resentment and planning to spring Cheri on her. Chantel, sweetie? YOU ARE BAT SHIT CRAZY.

“HIIEEE! Thanks for hosting the party! I’m totally not mad at you or plotting anything!”

Chantel is excited to be friends with Dr. Remus because he is a nerd and she doesn’t know many nerds, but more importantly, he has botox! Erika and Tanya declined the Botox party. Again, Erika has an actual life outside the show and Tanya is getting it on with Rambo, so I can understand why they’re not there.

Ramona jokingly asks Dr. Remus if he can botox her friend Erika’s wrinkly vag, and Gollum and Chatel thinks it is hilarious. Brooke is horrified! I’m horrified that Dr. Remus does not seem to pick up on the fact that she is joking. SERIOUSLY?? Lucky for Brooke, she’s getting botox and cannot show emotion.

Is this Brooke mad or Brooke after Botox? We may never know.

Ramona is 100% positive that Brooke is going to tell Erika what she said, and she will see who is true blue and who is a backstabber. HOW IS THAT BACKSTABBING? It sounds more like a setup to me. Perhaps Brooke will surprise us and have enough class NOT to bring it up and we can be spared botox-vaginagate.

Gollum is getting her first injection, which seems pointless because she is so young. She says she feels 13 all over again! HAHAHAH Gollum made a joke!

It’s time to shift the drama into high gear! Chantel rolls to the private jet airport to pickup Cheri the homewrecker. She’s soooooooo glad that Cheri is coming to town because she’s missed her. Hm, you didn’t seem keen on inviting her until you got mad at Ramona, but whateves.

Cheri’s full name Cheri Knoblauch. Her hubby is retired. I am sure the sports-inclined Gasmii can give us the backstory on his career since I’m too lazy to Google it. A journalist I am not. Talk like Yoda I do sometimes. Annoying it is. Also…

Crazy eyes she has.

Chantel is thrilled to have backup in her self-created drama. Cheri informs us that she won’t put up with fake shit. We’ll see about that. Chantel proceeds to unload her heavily edited drama on Cheri.:

“I’m sooo glad you’re here! I’m just minding my own biz and everyone is mean to me! WAAAH!”

According to Chantel, she said her piece to Erika as politely as she could, the debacle was over, and THEN Ramona ordered her to apologize. Chantel’s hunger seems to be affecting her memory as that’s absolutely not what happened. In case you forgot, she was dropping f-bombs and making a scene, and Ramona jumped in to try to facilitate a discussion that was rapidly deteriorating. Whether Ramona was right or wrong, events did not unfold the way Chantel is describing.

Cheri apparently put Anna in her place one upon a time, and she’s ready for round two. There’s a new sheriff in town! Personally, I don’t think that LV luggage toting Cheri stands a chance against Ramona Ricketts. Cheri tells Chantel not to take Ramona’s shit and Chantel agrees that she should stand up to her…and then tells us that she has been NOT standing up to Ramona in anticipation of Cheri showing up to do it for her. TRAIN. WRECK.

Rather than discuss the appropriate venue for the verbal ass-beating that these two ladies are planning, Chantel invites Sheri to a charity photo shoot the ladies are doing. The photo shoot was arranged by a baseball wife who appears to be a stable person, so we will probably never see her again after this.

“Hi, my name is SMART ENOUGH NOT TO BE A MAJOR PART OF THIS SHOW.”

Chantel is so wrapped up in her quest for vengance that she fails to see how ridiculously selfish it is to make the charity photo shoot about her drama. Chantel says she’s not going to defend Erika in regards to Ramona’s botox-vag comment, but she wants Ramona to pay. Chantel, you are CRAZY.

Cheri wants to know why no one else has said anything to Ramona about being bossypants and inappropriate. How about the fact that Chantel is full of shit and no one else cares?? Cheri, who is getting all crazy eyed, says she’s excited to say her piece with Ramona and she’s hoping Ramona doesn’t have an attitude. HAS SHE MET RAMONA AT ALL? Seriously, are you really hoping that the woman who passed you a mean not on a plane will NOT HAVE AN ATTITUDE when she finds out that you’re in town to tell her what a bitch she is? Apparently Cheri and Chantel are sniffing the same glue.

Warning – may cause delusions of badassery

Gollum, the person who started all this shit in the first place, goes to Chantel’s house to meet Cheri. Gollum immediately starts kissing Cheri’s ass. Cheri asks if Gollum was married to her ex, and she says she was just the girlfriend. Cheri immediately jumps in to tell her not to feel bad about that because everyone was “just the girlfriend” before they were a wife. Then why ask? Oh, so you make it about you and give us backstory about Ramona!

“You took my problems and made them about you without even trying! That’s….amazing! TEACH ME YOUR WAYS, OH WISE ONE!”

Here’s the story: TWELVE YEARS AGO Cheri was engaged to her now-husband and was on the same flight as Ramona. Ramona passed her note calling her a homewrecker bitch. Gollum acts all kinds of shocked and offended and claims that since Ramona was a stripper, which makes her a homewrecker too. Not exactly, Gollum. Also, by that logic, you are also a homewrecker since you stripped for free at the pool bar.

The drama didn’t end with the note! Ramona called her Cheri a homewrecker as they were exiting the plane and Cheri dropped her bags and got in her face (allegedly). Cheri is stoked to get her chance to put Ramona in her place…over shit that happened 12 years ago. Gollum is all worked up now and she stokes the fire by saying telling Cheri that Ramona calls her a groupie. Gollum, haven’t you done enough? Shut your damn mouth already.

It’s D-Day, as in Drama Day! The ladies show up for their pinup girl calendar shoot for charity. Tanya tells the ladies she’s going shooting with Morgan tomorrow! YAY! It’s nice to have some happiness before the shit starts flying. The ladies show up with no makeup on and look better than they do when they’re all painted up (or at least that’s my opinion; I like faces to make sense.)

The shoot starts and Jeebus Brooke is soooo skinny. For a pro model, she seems pretty lifeless during her shoot.

Not America’s Next Top Model

Tanya is having a ball and looks cute. Gollum is trying to enjoy herself, but Chantel and Cheri’s impending arrival has her all jumpy.

Finally, it’s drama time! Chantel is excited and nervous – will Ramona be mad at her? REALLY??? You’re worried about that NOW? CHANTEL IS INSANE.

“Do you think Ramona is going to be upset?” is a question you should have asked yourself BEFORE FLYING CHERI OUT TO SCOTTSDALE.

Ramona sees Cheri and is not amused; she doesn’t say anything right off the bat. Cheri didn’t recognize her and insinuates it is because Anna gained weight. Ramona remembers her and tells us that she does not care about Cheri from 12 years ago. Amen!

Brooke is happy to see Cheri; let’s see how long that lasts. Brooke clearly does not do well in Jerry Springer-style situations. Cheri thinks Ramona was shocked that she showed up. WELL DUH. Ramona is being silent, which is about a nice as she can be.  Chantel says it’s time to set Cheri loose! The ladies are sooooooooo brave, which is why they are talking shit in the parking lot.

Finally, after avoiding her since she arrived, Cheri pulls up a chair and ensures that Ramona remembers her. She reminds Ramona what happened and Ramona is not impressed.  For someone who doesn’t take shit, Cheri isn’t that intense. Ramona certainly is not “scared” of Cheri in any way, shape or form. Good job, Chantel. You’ve flown your friend out to Arizona so she can relieve the pain of 12 years ago while Ramona Ricketts continues to call her a whore and a bitch.

So let’s see Cheri really unleash the fury!!

“What you did to me was mean!”

“Yeah, I know. It wasn’t THAT mean.”

“You’re mean.” HAHAHAHAHA WOW. You really showed her! If Oscar Wilde were alive, he would be seething with jealousy over your cutting wit and pithy insults!

Here’s reality. Louis Vuitton-toting Cheri is no match for Ramona Ricketts. That being said, Ramona kind of let me down. Here’s how I wish the exchange went down:

“You’re mean! You passed me a note that called me a homewrecker!”

“Yeah, TWELVE YEARS AGO. It wasn’t THAT mean”

“WHAT? Yes it is! It really hurt my feelings! How was that not mean?”

“Mean? You want mean? Mean is when I scalp you and make myself a nice whoreskin cap. Mean is setting your house on fire and feeding you mad-cow diseased beef! Mean is writing “Whore on Board” on the ACTUAL plane. Mean – HA! You’re lucky you still have both eyes, bitch.”

“But…I….you….”

“This conversation is boring me. It’s time for you to get the fuck out of my face. I’m tired of breathing the same air as you.”

Although Ramona doesn’t really unleash on Cheri, things deteriorate quickly and Cheri whines that she brought this all up because she thought maybe Ramona would have an apology for her. HAHAHAHAH. Not. Going. To. Happen. And Chantel, are you happy now? Did you get what you wanted?

Obviously not.

With that, we end with what is supposed to be a cliffhanger except that I doubt anyone really cares. The baddest bitch of them all is the woman who arranged the shoot – apparently she gets so pissed that the other wives brought their bullshit to the shoot that she up and leaves her own event. That’s a pretty awesome Diva “FUCK YOU” move.

What are your thoughts? If you made it through the episode without screaming, rolling your eyes or gagging, then you deserve some kind of scout badge. These women have nothing better to do than create drama out of nothing. If I were Ramona, I would have straight up pretended not to remember Cheri, and then when she got all worked up, I would have apologized and told her how sad it was that she had held onto it for 12 years and been really overly nice and sympathetic. That would have driven her insane. LadyBaldy has an advanced degree in psychological warfare. Cheri and Chantel don’t even have a participation certificate. I guess Bravo still has all the good drama.

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