Baseball Wives Recap – Premiere!

Gasmii, I am so excited to be joining you for the very first season of Baseball Wives! While I am not a baseball wife myself, I feel more than qualified to recap this show as I lived 16 years of my life in Scottsdale, AZ, where the show takes place. I’m really pleased this show exists; now when people ask me why I moved to San Francisco, I can just have them watch this show. It really explains everything.

I have been drunk in the vicinity of this cowboy many, many times

Before we begin, let’s get some background context about what we’ll be discussing. Remember in the 1990’s and early 2000’s when the epitome of hot was Pamela Anderson and other Baywatch tartlets? It was a time of bleach-blonde hair, dark tans, shiny clothing and too much makeup. These were the days before you could be pale and adorable like Zooey Deschanel or Emily Blunt and still considered hot.

Scottsdale has never moved past this period. If you’re looking at this show and you’re confused as to why all these women look like strippers, please keep in mind that in Scottsdale, this is still considered super attractive. There was a time when LadyBaldy waxed and plucked and tanned her way into this mold, and those days have long since faded away. I can’t forget my roots though (or I guess I CAN forget them now since I’m not constantly obsessing over my appearance and the grey doesn’t upset me), and for me, Baseball Wives is part memory lane and part facing my blonde-higlighted, platform-heeled past.

Now that we’ve gotten the background out of the way, let’s dive in, shall we? This series premiere can be summed up in once sentence: It’s the trashy girls against the snobs and the model is stuck in the middle!

There are six main women featured on this show. Let’s meet the ladies!

First up is Chantel Kendall, the ex-wife of Jason Kendall, who plays for Kansas City.

As she peruses a portfolio at a tattoo shop, she explains that she’s more “edgy” than the average baseball wife; but don’t judge a book by it’s cover! Her ink is comprised of bible verses and stuff about her kids. She’s like walking decorative tile for your kitchen sold at Ross!

Sold right next to the boxes that look like books and sketchy hot sauce gift sets!

Chantel has clearly had a rough time of it; she’s just emerging from her divorce and stress or drugs or something have made her crazy skinny. She tells us that the baseball wife community rallied around her during her difficult time. Something tells me that the ladies on this show are not part of this supportive community. Chantel is like a lamb waiting for the slaughter. A tiny, tattooed, hurting lamb.

Before we meet the next wife, we get a shot of Phoenix that is hysterical to anyone who lives there. Why? Because Van Buren is well known for being the place where one can find prostitutes!

The Hoes hang on Van Buren….and VH-1 reality shows!

Next up to the plate is Brooke.

Brooke is one of the legit wives on the show; she is currently married to Rob Villone. I am already past caring what team these guys play for. If you’re watching this show because you love baseball, take my advice: watch ESPN. If you like watching skinny bitches get catty, then sit next to me!

Brooke tells us that it’s really hard to be in a relationship with baseball player; there’s a lot of moving, and he is on the road much of the time. Brooke has had it with the vagabond lifestyle and it’s her time now! Out of all of the places she could have chosen to live for her time, she chose Scottsdale. To each their own, I guess.

Brooke is versatile, y’all. She’s a baseball wive AND a MODEL! She is really subtle about it when it comes up in conversation:

“I’d love to go to your thing, but I have a MODELING job because I’m a MODEL. Maybe I’ll stop by when I’m finished MODELING!”

Brooke says she and her husband has a great relationship an she doesn’t have crazy eyes or an enormous ego, so I’m bored. NEXT!

To make up for the vanilla model, next up is attention seeking ball-handler Jordana!

Jordana is the ex-girlfriend of Nigel Morgan. Wait, what the FUCK? EX-GIRLFRIEND?? I thought this show was about wives and so far we have ONE wife. They broke up last year and while Nigel has moved on, Jordanna is not over it. To illustrate this fact, we get to see her waiting for the light rail while leaving a sad stalker message.

“Hi Wayne, it’s Stacy! I haven’t heard from you in a while, and I wanted to see if you like the gun rack I sent you.”

She has started to feel like the psycho ex-girlfriend. You feel like that because you ARE the psycho ex. She really should not be laughing about it. I keep waiting for her to do that thing where you laugh and then dissolve into tears. She has crazy eyes and she scares me. Since she’s never been a wife, that means she is probably seeking a ring…sounds like a familiar quest to me.

The quest for a ring does strange things to people

Also, where is she right now? THE MELROSE DISTRICT. Nice nod to the 90’s!

On her way to 1995 to meet up with Amanda and talk smack about Billy and Allison

I’m noticing a pattern here – drama, boring, drama…next up is more boring! Meet Tanya Grace, another EX-WIFE. You’re not even trying, VH-1.

Tanya is clearly older than the other ladies. She reminds me of a character on Dynasty; she might be the only person on the show old enough to remember Dynasty. Tanya tells us that her divorce was amicable. Now she’s single in Scottsdale and ready to meet Prince Charming! Good luck with that. Now go away, I’m falling asleep again.

It’s time to meet the Prima Donna (and one of the actual WIVES), Erika Monroe Williams! Erika is married to Matt Williams and is a local news anchor!

“Tonight’s Top Story: I’M FUCKING FABULOUS.”

Her super-fake friendliness barely masks some seriously sharp claws. She’s basically Regina George, all grows up!

She has the world’s most garish ridiculous house of all time and everything that comes out of her mouth makes me roll my eyes. She has SUCH a fabulous life on the Scottsdale social scene. She’s throwing a mixer for the BBW in town because she’s sooooo nice….and because VH-1 is making her. There is no way she would let some of these women set foot on her large circular driveway without being forced to do so.

Not Pictured: “No Whores Allowed” sign

So let’s sum up: out of these ladies, only two are currently married to baseball players. Two are ex-wives of baseball players, and one dated a baseball player. “Baseball Wives” is pretty misleading, VH-1. You should rename the show. How about “Ball Handlers”? Or “Cleats n’ Teats?”

At Erika’s palace, she is flitting around the kitchen preparing for her dinner. Tanya wants to help so Erika overbearingly instructs Tanya how to apply olive oil to bread. Wow, these two are a real hoot…zzzzzzzzzzzzzz.

“It puts the oil on the bread or else it gets the nagging again”

Tanya explains that the BBW community is like a high society sorority. So far it looks like a really cheesy version of sororities featured in movies starring Amanda Bynes.

DRAMA ALERT! Erika explains to Tanya that she has invited Anna Benson to the party. Apparently Anna used to model for FHM and caused quite the stir in New York when her husband played for the Mets. Tanya is not excited.

“Remember that little tartlet-stripper, Anna Benson? She’s coming over later.”

“Oh. Great.”

I had never heard of Anna Benson until this show because (a) I have spent my life living in the Western United States (b) I don’t care about professional sports and (c) I don’t subscribe to FHM. If you’ve never heard of Anna Benson, she is a former stripper who ditched high school during her sophomore year and grew up to marry a baseball player. She once told Howard Stern that if her husband cheated on her, she would have sex with the entire Mets lineup. I love her already.

Here’s Anna!

AND HERE SHE IS THROWING PLATES AND YELLING!!

Anna Benson DOES NOT FUCK AROUND. She is married to former Mets player Chris Benson. She’s been married 15 years, so she’s got something right. Fuck hoity toity boutiques where Brooke shops; ANNA GOES TO THE GUN STORE TO LOOK AT AUTOMATIC WEAPONS. Ladies and gentlemen, we’ve got ourselves a Ramona Ricketts!

Not an insult. This is my favorite character in “Cry Baby”

It’s time for the soiree at Erika’s! Brooke and Gollum roll up to the party. Gollum immediately reveals her insecurity by insisting that the wives are not better than her.

“The only difference between me and the wives is a ring!”

A very expensive ring. And the money. And health benefits. And respect. Hm, sounds pretty different to me! Sorry sweetie, you’re still a BBW pledge until you get the precious.

Someday, Jordana. Someday.

Chantel rolls up and Erika is confused but she’s a good hostess so she covers it well:

“Oh, you’re Chantel! Oh my. Well, nice to meet you….I guess!”

“That’s funny, I don’t remember hiring a stripper!”

Erika warns the ladies about Anna. Gollum and Chantel are confused because the tone of her voice sounds like she’s being nice, but the words are bitchy. Pay attention, folks: this is how shit-talking works when you’re conservative and wealthy.

ANNA ARRIVES! She looks like she just rolled out of bed and threw on a bedazzled belt:

Gollum is so disappointed – she was hoping that Anna was going to be a tiny, slutty fairy godmother and instead she’s got a hot Mrs. Roper. This is why you shouldn’t put people on pedestals.

The ladies immediately dive into the alcohol and food. I wonder how much of it will be thrown up later! Chantel has started a discussion with the ladies about how hard it is when the baseball husbands retire and get in your way. Anna has a counterpoint, but there’s lots of bleeping so I don’t quite catch her point. Erika is obviously really uncomfortable with the discussion, so I imagine Anna’s comment had something to do with boning.

Just keep reminding yourself about the money and the exposure and you’ll get through this!

At the table, Ramona Rickets and Chantel keep up their trailer park chat and discuss Anna’s appearances on Howard Stern, blowjobs, etc. Erika is DYING; she hates to judge people before she knows them, but her favorite thing to do is judge people before she knows them and she’s already decided that Anna and Chantel are whores. Anna isn’t going to give a shit, but we can already see where this is going for Chantel. She’s fragile and will probably not be able to stop talking about Erika talking shit should she find out. FORESHADOWING!

Anna says Erika is a Stepford wife and Erika should get over the way Anna and Chantel talk or she shouldn’t be be around them. I’m totally with Ramona…except they’re in Erika’s house. I am way too scared to point this out to Anna, however. Why?

You tell her, I’ll wait over here behind this bulletproof glass

Gollum is upset that there are no men to pay attention to her so she gets the ladies fired up about heading to some bar called Mint. Mint did not exist when I was living in Scottsdale, but it looks like ever bar in Scottsdale I’ve ever been to. Blonde wife (who is not in the opening credits and thus remains nameless in Baldy’s world) is trying to get Chantel to dance. Chantel isn’t feeling it; it’s clear she’s not as drunk as the other ladies and she looks like she would rather be anywhere else. We learn that she’s working on staying sober. Oh dear. No wonder poor Chantel looks beat. If she stays on the wagon this whole show, good for her.

While Chantel tried not to cry, Tanya is flirting with Dennis, who looks half her age. She tells him she wants his gum and this happens:

Gollum has the same reaction as everyone who witnessed this event:

“I just threw up in my mouth”

It’s always gross to watch your grandma be intimate, so Gollum and the other ladies hit the dance floor. Gollum reminds me of Angelina from Jersey Shore; there’s the same disconnect between her perceived fabulousness and reality. Gollum starts dancing on tables for attention explains that she’s an attention whore. She’s also wearing the kind the predecessor to the claw clip. I TOLD YOU THESE PEOPLE ARE STUCK IN THE 90’S!

The next day, Chantel meets up with her gusband (gay husband), Glen. It’s totally normal to dress as though you were headed to the club during the day, so her strapless black dress doesn’t phase me. Glen and Chantel have been besties for 13 years or so. Glen listens to her wax poetic on being ready to move past her divorce. It’s time to celebrate herself….by shacking up with someone!

“You are kidding me, right?”

Gusband Glen calls her out for jumping into relationships too quickly – she’s only been single for three months. What is she looking for? She needs someone who can accept her kids. Then she starts talking crap about herself. She’s not an 18 year old with a Harvard Degree working for Lehman Bros. Sweetie, it’s probably a good thing you DON’T work for Lehman Brothers because of the financial collapse and….oh, wait…you live in 1998 and they’re still thriving. Nevermind!

Later, Ramona and Chantel shop together at the Trendy TAG Boutique.

No lie – I thought it said “Trendy HAG Boutique” at first glance.

Ramona has found a kindred spirit in Chantel. It’s like the watching the trailer park version Anee of Green Gables. Ramona wants the dirt on Gollum – is she nice, or a whore? The rumor is that Gollum is dating two baseball players, which is apparently a big no-no. You know what they call women who sleep with baseball players? Cleat chasers! Mama Ricketts has no love for cleat chasers, but Chantel is trying to be a good person and doesn’t want to judge Gollum just yet.

Speaking of Gollum, guess who found out her ex will be in town for the playoffs? Crazy-eyes is going to handle it like an adult, right? HAHAHAHA. She takes Brooke to lunch…AT THE HOTEL HE IS STAYING AT. SERIOUSLY? Here’s the thing – Phoenix is FUCKING HUGE. THERE ARE HUNDREDS OF PLACES TO EAT.

“OMG I cannot believe I saw my ex-boyfriend at the hotel he is staying at.”

Gollum is not only crazy, she has dragged Brooke into her madness. Gollum is so upset that he is there and saw her and ignored he because she didn’t do anything wrong. YES YOU DID! IT’S CALLED STALKING!

“Did she see me? No whammies, no whammies, no whammies!”

Brooke is trying to be supportive, bless her. Gollum was with this guy through TWO losing teams! She thought it was forever…but the ring had other plans! She’s about to go more crazy; she wants to find out his room number but Brooke immediately shuts it down.

“I totally know how to find out what room he’s in!”

“Please tell me you’re fucking with me.”

While Gollum weeps for her precious, Ramona Ricketts rolls up to the fur store. First the gun store, now the fur store. She’s like Ted Nugent with boobs. She’s throwing a party for Chantel and she wants to get her a gift that would be really practical for a woman living in a place where most people don’t own an actual coat. You know, LIKE FUR. Ramona loves fur and dead animals, and if you don’t like it, you should probably keep it to yourself since she has a gun.

And she does look fab in the hat

Her question about an ugly grandma shawl? How many rabbits died to make it. HAHAHAHAHA. Ms. Ricketts breaks it down with a science lesson; it’s the food chain! Animals would TAKE OVER THE EARTH if we didn’t kill them. Animal rampages were HUGE PROBLEMS before we started the mass meat and fur industry, right???

Chantel and her gusband arrive at the party. Ramona got some out of town wives to fly it. Ramona Rickets is a good friend, yo. Bitchy Erika is not there, so people are actually having fun! Ramona wants to have a kissing booth where she can make out with others husbands for charity. She is AWESOME. She’s also excited to give her gift to Chantel and belatedly hopes Chantel is not a PETA supporter.

Chantel is a nice girl so she acts excited even though fur is not her thing. She thinks it’s a fur tube top! Oh dear. Ramona has her work cut out for her with this one. The fur will keep her warm the two days in PHX when it’s super cold.

Gollum hasn’t had camera time in ten minutes and so she’s DYING to tell Chantel that Erika said shit about her. Ramona and Gollum whisk Chantel to a bedroom to tell her the bad news. Gollum looks SO SAD about this:

Or not.

Apparently Erika called Gollum and said something about how that they must of had to scrape the bottom of the barrel if they had to invite Chantel to the party. I have a hard time picturing middle-aged mean girl Erika calling Gollum for any reason, but whatevs. Anna thinks Chantel should let this shit roll off her back but of course they have to confront Ericka. Chantel has no self-esteem and thus she’s really upset about Erika’s words.

The ladies are trying to build her up, but you know what works better than supportive words? NOT FUCKING SAYING ANYTHING IN THE FIRST PLACE.

Nice work, Gollum. This is all you.

Chantel says that Erika should not judge her! Yes she has tats, but look closer! It’s bible verses and kids’ names! Honey, let me explain something to you: high society sorority bitches do not care what kind of tattoo you have. In Erika’s world, ALL TATS ARE TRASH.

Ramona knows that Chantel is upset, but she wants to deal with this in a classy and mature manner. HAHAHA just kidding! She wants to ambush Erika at dinner. Putting someone on the spot and verbally assaulting them is a GREAT WAY to solve disputes, right? In trailer park land, this actually IS the mature way of dealing with things. When you’re really mad, you set things on fire.

Gollum, Brooke and some other chick decide to go clubbing after the party so they head to Spanish Fly. It seems like a typical Scottsdale bar…until you go outside and see the POOL! Gollum is loving it. The ladies pound the drinks and Gollum decides she needs to take the party to the next level by getting down to her skivys and diving in the pool.

Um, miss? The pool is just for show…

She’s dancing like a Smeagol possessed.

It looks like fun, so Brooke decides to join her. Gollum asks what’s hotter than two gorgeous girls jumping into a pool half naked? I’ll let her know if I ever see it.

They stay in the pool most of the night. There’s no lifeguard on duty, so they better be careful!

Later, Chantel is STILL upset about Erika’s words. Gollum is being a “good friend” and listening to her; she feels sooooooooooo bad! She has zero awareness that Chantel’s current turmoil is her fault since she opened her big mouth. Chantel, this is not the person you should be confiding in.

Erika’s words have caused Chantel to flash back to all her abusive relationships. Gollum felt SOOOOO bad and she cried too. Again, YOU STARTED THIS WHEN YOU CHOSE TO TELL HER!! YOU DID THIS, GOLLUM! YOU. Maybe some would not agree, but as far as I am concerned, what Erika said was not for Chantel’s ears. EVERYONE TALKS SHIT. Best advice I ever got? “What other people say about you behind your back is none of your business.” As in, “who the fuck has time to give a shit what insecure folks say about you??”

Gollum says that Erika is fake and Chantel agrees. Well DUH she’s fake, so what? Scottsdale is the CAPITOL of fake! Good Lord. Pretty soon these ladies will be upset because the desert is hot in the summer and rain’s wet and dirt’s dirty.

It’s time for the Ambush Erika Lunch! AREN’T YOU EXCITED?? The ladies roll up to the restaurant and Gollum can barely contain her glee about the impending drama. Brooke notices right away that Chantel is upset, which isn’t exactly hard since she’s advertising it with her body language and sighs. The ladies finally take the bait and ask her what’s up and Chantel calls her out.

“SIGH….HMMPH…..SIGH”

“Chantel, is there a reason you’re breathing like Darth Vader over there?”

“Yes, there is. A little bird told me that you said I’m trashy.”

“So we’re going to have this conversation. That’s just fucking EXCELLENT.”

Erika does not deny that she called Chantel “bottom of the barrel.” She tries to tell Chantel that the crass sex discussions the night of the party upset her; apparently Erika’s young daughter was present. Chantel calls bullshit – they were sucking back lemon drop shots and there was no bounce house or clown, so how was she supposed to know kids were there? Chantel wants an apology and Erika is not going to give it to her. As far as she is concerned, Chantel has zero class and owes HER an apology for acting like trash in her home.

Erika cannot believe this is happening- people don’t start fights like this in public in her world. What we have here is a clash of cultures. In Erika’s world, people talk shit about each other behind their back while acting passive aggressive towards those they do not like in public. Chantel and Ramona come from a place where shouting obscenities at each other over a meal is called “Sunday Night”. As far as Ramona and Chantel are concerned, the presence of kids is irrelevant. Erika thinks they’re disgusting.

Gollum is glad Erika is being called out for being fake…by other people. Heaven forbid SHE call Erika out when it would be helpful, like at the time Erika said something negative about Chantel during their phone call. That wouldn’t have been on camera and there would be peace in BBW land, so of course she did no such thing.

Erika claims Gollum was agreeing with her assessment of Chantel and Gollum tries to do some backpedaling. Tanya zeroes in on Gollum for being the one who started this whole mess but she’s so quiet and unexciting that this falls to the wayside.

“You sneaky little bitch…” was heard by no one since everyone is louder than Tanya.

Ramona wants to weigh in: judging someone too quickly is wrong, but if Erika is apologizing, Chantel should accept it and let it go. Chantel does not want to hear any of it. Chantel just wants Erika to tell her she thinks she is worthless to her face. In Erika’s world, you don’t tell people the truth to their face, so it’s a waste of time. Erika is trying to get Chantel to acknowledge that she was inappropriate at Erika’s house, which is an equally useless endeavor.

Chantel tells her that Erika will not be able to know her ever, and I doubt that Erika gives even ½ a shit.

“Guess what? You will never get to be my friend!”

“Yeah, well THIS JUST IN: I don’t give a rat’s ass.”

And that brings us to the end of this episode! What happens this season? Being married to a BBP is hard! Modeling! There is an 85% divorce rate! Anna accuses Jordanna stole from her. BBW are bitches! Anna tells off Erika! Shari someone comes to town and Anna is Shari’s arch nemesis. There’s plastic surgery, waxing, botox, guns, accusations, plate throwing!! I have a feeling we’re in for quite a freak show, MUAHAHAHAHA! Take a cue from Erika and judge people you don’t know!! Let’s hear your thoughts in the comments.

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