Basketball Wives LA Recap: This Episode Is Brought To You By Jaunty Caps…


First position, grand-plié.

But wait. I was in the meeting, and they said she had to be a ballerina by day… so why is she giving lap dances? And why have I watched over 20 seconds of them trying to shake their butts.

Second position, À la seconde.

 

Third position, Soubresaut.

Homewrecker Spice tells Sister Spice that she finds her sexy and that she’ll be there for her whenever she’s ready for some lady action. Ugh, straight or gay, Homewrecker Spice thinks way too much of herself. Which is why the next scene brings me even more confusion.

Homewrecker Spice is on her way to meet up with Old Spice at a tattoo parlor.

Clueless that she’s about to see a pig on a spit.

She walks in and rightly calls it when she says that we see Old Spice laying on her side with her “ham hock hanging out”. Apparently Old Spice, in her attempt to stay young/relevant/hip, is getting another tattoo. This one on her hip/lower back/muffin top/back fat…

Pig, spit, say hello to Draya. 

Ham hock, meet TV audience (of one). 

It’s of two hearts and an inverted triangle with the colors of the rainbow. Gay pride, right? Well, Homewrecker Spice doesn’t know what the rainbow is all about, which is odd if she’s gay or bi… but I don’t understand what Old Spice is doing getting it tattooed on her hip/lower back/muffin top/back fat. Does she really think that she’s making a statement? If you want to make a statement, make it. But the tattoo is just ugly. I mean, it’s just awful and makes no sense.

I’ll take what should NOT be in hi-def for $200, Alex.

Anyway, Old Spice thinks they’re all sisters and Homewrecker Spice tells her that she’s going to go back and report to Sister Spice that Old Spice is doing better and suggests that they all get together. Homewrecker Spice says she’ll try to set something up for them all. Old Spice muses aloud that it’s so weird that the person that made them all fight last year (Homewrecker Spice) is the one that’s bringing them all together this year. Homewrecker Spice eats this up, while wearing an acid washed shirt. She says that she was the one that had to go through the mud in order to drag these ladies out of the mud. Oh give me a friggin’ break. You’re an evil, spiteful person and you’re not even wearing a jaunty cap.

Madelyne27

It's never too soon. It's never too far. And it's never the wrong time.

17 Comments

  1. 1
    shellshell
    Posted September 26, 2012 at 2:58 pm

    honestly how are you able to watch this mess?! you are a recap juggernaut.
    Jackie Christie is certifiable. She has Sheree Whitfield delusions and it. Is. Awesome.
    heifer<twofer ohh my goodness.

  2. 2
    Lightningpussy
    Posted September 26, 2012 at 5:49 pm

    Gurl,
    watching this week was torturous and if I could get that hour of my life back, I’d rather have douched with cat litter. Alas, something abnormal keeps me tuned. Recap makes it all worth it! Thanks!

  3. 3
    Madelyne27
    Posted September 26, 2012 at 5:52 pm

    “Douched with cat litter”. Haha. I heard that on Stern this week.

    You want that hour back. I had to watch it 5 times. Even sadder is I have that amount of time to give.

  4. 4
    Derek Hazelton
    Posted September 26, 2012 at 6:39 pm

    OK, without Jackie this show would be worthless, but I’m looking forward to her saying to Draya “say-tonic” next week when she actually means satanic.

    @madelyne27, your recaps make this waste of an hour worth it.

  5. 5
    Classy Drunk classy drunk
    Posted September 27, 2012 at 4:49 am

    I love Mrs. Jackie. She is so coo coo crazy and doesn’t even realize that she is. I am not sure how she does it. I guess that’s why the girls like her also.

    Gloria married Matt this past weekend. Or that’s what the reports are saying.

    This show started off slow last season, but ended with a bang. I am hoping the same goes for this season.

  6. 6
    Moli Moli
    Posted September 27, 2012 at 5:43 am

    @Madelyne27 , I shared this boring hour(well one of your five hours) with you this week. But, there are usually boring episodes sprinkled with awesomely trashy episodes during the season.It finally makes sense why Doug is still with the dragqueen/tranny, s/he’s Doug’s cover. Who knew Gloria was that unsexy??? Where is the rest of Laura…damn she lost a ton and a half of weight

  7. 7
    Madelyne27
    Posted September 27, 2012 at 6:35 am

    As always, I appreciate anyone who reads this… and i’ll try to trust that the crazy will pick up a bit, bc jackie can’t carry the show all season. @moli, i’m glad you agree that doug might be a little on the fem side. he’s sashay dancing was so funny.

    and yes, Laura looks thinner every episode. I like her, whatever the weight. I think she’s funny.

    I didn’t know Barnes and Gloria tied the knot, but i do know he was arrested, but then released and charges reduced bc of some barnes-hating cop. but would have loved to see gloria’s reaction to his arrested outside of a restaurant.

  8. 8
    featherhead
    Posted September 27, 2012 at 6:58 am

    I wonder if Gloria really made that web series? It would already be out, no? I can’t help it but I love Draya, she is so freaking funny especially with her “ham hock” line.

    Awesome job Madelyne27, I actually laughed out loud while reading this! Peter Pan collars, I’m still chuckling about!

  9. 9
    kthxbai kthxbai
    Posted September 27, 2012 at 8:15 am

    @Madelyne27 @Derek Hazelton said it the best! I’d cosign in big letters if word press would let us.

    I wonder if Jackie knows there’s still a lot of places where gay people can’t get married. So instead of making her wedding renewal a tribute to GLBTQ maybe she could do a fund raiser to educate people? And change those laws. And make that her tribute theme event.

    I think what you heard as “whiling out” is “wilding out.” And it just means acting wild. Meaning it can mean anything. For somebody real religious it might be eating pizza for lunch during Ramadan. For somebody else it might be peeing in the club like Snooki.

    And you’re on the right track about when Jackie finally changed her weave. It was totally wrong for her skin color. But not so much because of dark or light. It’s undertones. That same hair could look great on somebody darker than her that had the right understones for it. And if a good stylist got ahold of it.
    But that’s a different tangent. The head decoration Draya had on being a kind of tika. Which is common in S Asia. But that kind’s for when you’re super dressed up would be another different tangent.

    I am going to do 1 though. Since you’re already bored from having to watch that mess 5 times anyway. And my pain pill’s aleady kicked in anyway. I might as well type the tangent about how come this show’s so boring and you’re having to suffer so much. ¯\_(╹ェ╹))_/¯

    The OG BBW got criticism from the get go. About young girls and role models. And making women of color look bad. More than Love and Hip Hop. Even before it got to ATL.

    Because there’s totally a double standard. If some douche that was a g list rapper in 1998 does something. Or a video ho wannabe he knocked up does it, that’s 1 thing.

    But if it’s the baby mama or ex jump off of somebody that played sportsball in 1998. That’s when people start to throw a hissy fit. Hollering about kids and role models.

    Anyway it got so bad with BBW. That they decided to add some new girls. To show the positive side of women of color.

    1 of their ideas of that turned out to be this stereotype air head cheerleader Barbie. That was born with a real bad incurable case of hyper perkiness hormone. And then raised country strong by the white side of her family. In a place that still keeps de facto apartheid ways. Kesha’s just deserving enough of the vocabulary word of ethnically ambiguous to get into segregation academy. If accompanied by white relatives. She survived all of that. Which is 100% a miracle. So major respect. But she ended up with 1 of those voices that thinks it’s a grater and your nerves are nutmeg. And remember her perkiness condition’s incurable.

    Surprise. It didn’t work. So between Tami’s anger mgmt not working either. And Evelyn crouching tiger hidden dragon jumping over furniture to beat people up. BBW got like Teen Mom. Where stuff gets on the news before it’s on the show.

    It got so bad they even had scenes of Shauni talking to her preacher about whether she should do another season. (Shauni’s the exec producer. That’s also in the cast. In a kind of participant observer role. That supposed to be flying above. Kind of like Gloria’s BBW LA character. Except the exec producer part)

    Anyway that’s how come there’ve been all these interviews and news stories about how they’re going to turn over a new leaf. Which meand no getting physical. And the 1s in LA have to put jaunty caps on.

    Now Shauni says there will def be more seasons of OG BBW. To show their commitment to fixing the bad role model problem, she’s dumped the girls that got beat up on and bullied the most.

  10. 10
    Karen
    Posted September 27, 2012 at 9:15 am

    Jackie is a crazy control freak and her eldest daughter really hates her.. here is one site http://www.hiphopgossipsite.com/2011/08/jackie-christie-is-having-problems-with.html#.UGR6K2HXF5Y
    But you can find out quite a bit about Mrs. Christie on the web and she really does have some kind of mental issues. But the daughter wrote a long essay and I think a book. Doug still talks to her but her own mother doesn’t sad… Jackie is the epitome of an instigator and she is delusional as Teresa off housewives NJ edition :(

    I LOVE DRAYA…she is hilarious and doesn’t take this mess seriously.

  11. 11
    kthxbai kthxbai
    Posted September 27, 2012 at 10:57 am

    @Karen I actually have to try to watch around Jackie. And her whole family. So my alter ego Preachy McJudgington will let me enjoy any of the show. But that goes back to her putting her sick mama out in front of the tv cameras in her dying time.

    I know Jackie’s got a bad case of mental problems. And VH1′s in business to make $. So decency to them’s numbers on a piece of paper.

    But Preachy’s point of view is that somebody should’ve stepped up. Out of respect to elderly lady’s dignity. That was in her last days and not in any shape to stick up for her own privacy.

  12. 12
    Lyon
    Posted September 27, 2012 at 1:09 pm

    I have worked with Ritchie in the past, he doesn’t take himself too seriously, super nice guy (which I’m sure, along with his skill level, was part of the reason he was selected to deal with certain people) and probably sounds like a puppet frog in this because his wife just had a baby, and I doubt he is getting more than two hours of sleep a night. I’m not giving you grief, there is no way for you to know any of this, and yes, the trainwreck that is reality TV is ALWAYS good for laughs. For the record though, Piert is one of the good guys out here in LA, and those are thin on the ground.

  13. 13
    Madelyne27
    Posted September 27, 2012 at 2:01 pm

    @ kthxbai, you had me at pain meds… thanks for the background… but if people are using a vh-1 reality show for role models, i think the problem is much bigger than some hair pulling… i think tv should be for entertaining me and not for showing me the moral high ground of some producer/jump-off.

    and the dying mom thing was pretty low… i didn’t realize how sick she was until she was dead by the next commercial break. but for all we know, the mom liked the company of the cameraman better than the company of jackie.

    @karen, i’d love to see jackie and teresa have a conversation… i wonder who would have the babiest voice, while looking the most manish. (yes, those are both words, no need to look them up).

    and i’m sorry i don’t care for draya… i really thought i would bc i find her brutal honesty funny and i think she’s really cute… but to me, she just seems to be trying way too hard to be more than what she is… (which isn’t much in my eyes). I think i like brooke, bc video vixen or not, she works and she seems to have a natural happiness about her life (unlike malaysia who pretends to be all hippy dippy happy.)

    anyway, bring on some fights… or at least some serious back stabbing and husband stealing… i’ll look for my role models on Honey Boo Boo’s show… (okay, the baby being born with 6 fingers was down right ratings GOLD.)

  14. 14
    kthxbai kthxbai
    Posted September 27, 2012 at 4:03 pm

    @Madelyne27 All the stuff with Jackie’s mama was last season. I don’t know if you saw it all yet?

    Anyway 1 time they got her up out of the bed and made her go sit out in the yard. In lawn chairs. With Jackie and I think her 1 daughter that’ll speak to her talking about how sad it was she was about to pass.

    Then by the time of Jackie’s annual wedding her time was this close. So they propped her up in the bed. And Skyped her in.

    Any reality tv hall of shame lists that ever get made, that’ll have to go up near the top.

  15. 15
    sasha
    Posted September 30, 2012 at 3:10 pm

    On this show Laura wore a black and white top a lunch, the top had like sleeves that were like glove like, i loved it , is there a possible way I can buy one like it, she has great taste, luv her.

  16. 16
    Madelyne27
    Posted October 1, 2012 at 3:54 am

    Yes @sasha there is a way for you to buy it. My first suggestion would be to go to a store and look for it. Probs at Ross. If Ross doesn’t carry it, I’d recommend the She by Sheree line from RHOA.

    Best of luck finding that gem of the show. I’m sure Laura will be thrilled to bits.

  17. 17
    Xanadu
    Posted October 1, 2012 at 12:48 pm

    great recap this week!

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