Basketball Wives: Smearing it Around

I have to give Mad Props to every single commenter who gave me the lowdown on this show. I asked my friends on Facebook to fill me in, and none of them wanted to admit that they watched it.

So, THANK YOU! For having the balls to give me the 411! Cheetos for everybody!

I have no idea what I’m doing here because I have watched this episode over and over again. I have read your comments about what the show is about. And in the end, I am still confused as to why this show exists.

I get that Shaq’s ex-wife started it up to give us a glimpse in the lives of the women who are “with” pro-ballers, but come on. These women are only tangentially tied to professional basketball players. If they are tied to a pro basketball player right now, it’s because they are either an ex-wife, ex-girlfriend, ex-groupie, or gagged to the hilt. The rest of them, well…I don’t know – are the guys bigger fame whores than the women they are with? Because that Cinco De Mayo guy that Evelyn is dating, strikes me as a fame whore.

Let’s be real for a minute Gasmii.

Tons of people want to be famous for doing nothing. Hell, if I could summon up the energy to clean my house and wipe the Cheetos dust off my shirt and mouth, I’d probably be a fame whore too.

OK, that’s not true. I feel way too superior when I watch these bitches whore out their self-respect on TV to ever actually give up my Cheetos.

But, still. You know what I mean. Getting paid to do nothing but look nice and start some shit while eating at midlevel restaurants and wearing gigantic earrings would be fun – just not in front of a TV camera. I guess I have some self-respect left after all. Don’t tell anyone though; I don’t want to lose my sweet Cheetos hook up.

Anyhoo…Let’s explore Basketball Wives.

Whores! Every single one of them!

Since I didn’t watch last season or the one before, I am going to leave those previouslies alone as I have no idea what I am talking about.

We open with Shaunie talking about the crap that happened last season. Then, Evelyn and Shaunie are meeting up with Jennifer in her new place because her husband sold the condo out from under her. Which is fucked up but also kind of funny.

He took the condo, but I took his polka-dotted shirt. WINNING!

The other two women are very nice – if a little condescending – about her new digs. But, Jennifer is happy and feels amazing about having her own place. They talk about planning a divorce party. All of these women wear gigantic earrings. I would start a drinking game where you have to take a drink every time someone is shown wearing a giant pair of earrings, but no one’s liver would survive that.

They talk about Tami from the Real World. Evelyn says that she and RealWorldTami genuinely like each other and she just wants the whole “I slept with your husband thing” to blow over. Shaunie and Evelyn are over Royce. We hear the phrase “non mothafucking factor” for the first time in the episode.

Royce, the teeny tiny one, is meeting some of her dancer friends (Ha! Royce is a Tiny Dancer!).

This is the CLASSY way to wipe!

She says that she is single and her friends talk about how they need to hook her up. She says that she broke up with Dwayne because her parents told her she wasn’t happy with him. Which, doesn’t make a whole lot of sense. Either she wanted to be with him or not.

She explains doesn’t speak to Jennifer, Evelyn or Shaunie. So, I guess that leaves her with only a few friend options on the show.

RealWorldTami and TinyRoyce meet up for lunch. They catch up on what’s happened since the last time they saw each other. TinyRoyce has talked to Suzie and thinks that RealWorldTami should take some time to get to know her. Because she may be dense, but she isn’t malicious. RealWorldTami is open to possibly getting to know her down the road.

Apparently, getting to know RealWorldTami is a luxury.

Because, I’m classy and getting to know me is a luxury that I don’t share with just anyone.

RealWorldTami brings up Twitter. Apparently there was a Twitter war about T-shirts. Evelyn is making t-shirt that says non-motherfuckin factor. RealWorldTami thinks the whole thing is ironic because Evelyn as the “jump off” was the non-factor. RealWorldTami was the wife and mother of the guy’s kids; while Evelyn couldn’t even get a ring out of her whoring, from any of the “athletes” she was whoring herself out to.

TinyRoyce just says Evelyn was a straight up ho. And she is hoing a garden full of cabbage and flowers. I wonder if she grows okra too, maybe some corn?

This is how hos tend their gardens.

Evelyn and Shaunie get pedicures and talk. Evelyn’s fiancé, Cinco de Mayo, has a foot fetish. So, she has to keep her feet perfect at all times. I’m not sure why she felt the need to share that. They talk about RealWorldTami. Evelyn tries to downplay her behavior and say that she isn’t a home wrecker. She says she wasn’t seeing him when RealWorldTami and Kenny were together.

Is that true Gasmii? Because the fights they had made it seem like that was what happened. Was it a situation where she made it seem like she was seeing him while he was married for the sake of drama, or is she lying now? From the previouslies, she said that she didn’t know that the guy was married. Now she is saying that he wasn’t married at the time she hooked up with him.What’s the real scoop on that?

Meeka Claxton, married to Speedy Claxton (WHO?), meets up with Shaunie for drinks. Meeka, who also wears giant earrings, seems to be well versed in who is who on the show and is wanting to suck up to Shaunie, Evelyn, and Jennifer right away.

I wear giant earrings and I know how to talk shit. That makes me one of you, right?

So, she gets the OK to meet up with Jennifer and Evelyn from Shaunie. I guess Shaunie runs everything and sets up sit-downs? It just seems weird that she has to get permission from Shaunie to have lunch with Jennifer.

Meeka and Jennifer meet up for lunch with approval from Shaunie. Meeka is way too interested in trying to talk about Jennifer’s marriage. Jennifer assumes that Meeka is just nervous and wants to jump immediately into friendship so she is trying to be tolerant of her faux pas. Meeka wants the dirt on the rest of the women. Jennifer doesn’t like TinyRoyce for some reason. She tells Meeka to meet TinyRoyce and form her own opinion.

This woman, Suzie, is on the screen and I am having hard time looking at her. OMG what the hell is wrong with her face? It looks like silly putty.

Seriously! What is wrong with her face?!

Anyway, she and TinyRoyce and someone named Ashley meet up for drinks. TinyRoyce says she likes everyone except Evelyn.

SillyPutty talks about some poor shmuck she conned into dating her. She says that TinyRoyce is like a little sister who apparently threw her under the bus at one point but apologized so it’s all good.

What is the point of this show?

Meeka meets up with TinyRoyce. Why is she is worried about TinyRoyce being a dancer? Did TinyRoyce pull an Evelyn and sleep with someone else’s man? If that’s the case, why is everyone kissing Evelyn’s ass and worried about TinyRoyce being a ho? Or, is she just worried that the Shaunie clique will dislike her for being friendly with TinyRoyce? Wait, on second thought. Don’t explain. I don’t care.

Sweet sweet Cheetos.

TinyRoyce tells Meeka that she doesn’t play both sides. She is friends with everyone except Evelyn. But, she has different conversations with each group so there is no overlap or backstabbing – unless it’s Evelyn. Meeka pretends to like TinyRoyce for now. Since she isn’t quite in with the popular girls yet, so she doesn’t want to rule out any alliances.

Evelyn, Jenn, and Shaunie are having dinner and have invited Meeka to join. This is Meeka’s formal intro to the “cool kids” and she wants to play this just right so that the popular girls accept her.

I have all the gossip you could possibly want. You have to let me in your club now, right?

She starts immediately telling everything that happened at lunch with “the enemy.” Shaunie is giving her the side eye because she is talking way too much about TinyRoyce and trashing what the girl was wearing. The other women are put off by this and think she is being immature. They assume that she is just nervous and are willing to guide her in proper behavior  – or something. I don’t know. Whatever, they are pretending to be above talking shit about the other women with the new girl, but have no problem talking shit about them amongst themselves.

You have to work hard to stir shit up like I do. Sometimes it smears on my face, but it’s worth it.

RealWorldTami is pissed about the T-shirts and wants to have a conversation about them with Evelyn. They get the niceties out of the way by telling each other they look pretty. They try to be polite while wanting to beat each other’s asses. I think they should just bitch slap it out. It would be much more entertaining.

RealWorldTami broaches the fight that they had about Evelyn sleeping with Kenny. She says that her feelings were hurt with the way Evelyn approached it and the way she was so disrespectful with the non-factor bullshit. Evelyn apologizes for the non-factor and RealWorldTami can’t resist putting it back on Evelyn by saying that Evelyn couldn’t claim to be a wife so she is actually the non-factor.

How can you call me a non-factor? I coined the phrase! It’s mine! And I have the shitty shirts to prove it.

RealWorldTami goes on to say that it was not only disrespectful of her, she also finds it beyond rude that there are now t-shirts. Evelyn wants to donate some of the proceeds from the sale of the shirts to RealWorldTami’s charity as a way of making amends.

RealWorldTami is not having it. She thinks it’s ridiculous that a young girls’ charity would accept proceeds from such a denigrating product (I have to give it to Tami here. I was pretty appalled that Evelyn would want to do that too and I don’t even know or like any of these heifers). She says Evelyn shit the bed and instead of cleaning it up, she is smearing it around. Wow, RealWorldTami really has a way with words and imagery doesn’t she?

Because I’m classy bitch!

Evelyn is really putting a lot of faith in these t-shirts selling, so she is all “fine, I’ll keep the money.” But those shirts are so shitty, I can’t imagine them selling. Listen, Gasmii, my husband prints T-shirts for a living and when they showed them, he actually fell off the couch laughing. He had to pause it and keep rewinding it. And he was like “They got all dramatic and are suing each other over that?! These bitches are crazy! Do they get paid for doing this show?”

Then we discussed whether or not we should have a reality show about getting really drunk and eating Cheetos while trashing people on other reality shows. He could showcase some of the t-shirts that he misprinted (that still look better than what Evelyn is peddling) and I could show the proper ways to remove Cheetos dust from computer keyboards. It would have to be more interesting than watching this.

Evelyn thinks she would be an idiot to not make money off that stupid line. RealWorldTami threatens a lawsuit. Evelyn says bring it and they go their separate ways.

Meeka is bowling with her husband. I have never heard of this basketball player. Is he worth a shit?

Anyway, they are talking about her setting up an office in Miami now that Speedy is retired. She is totally using this scene to suck up to the popular girls by talking about similarities between her marriage and Evelyn and Cinco de Mayo’s relationship. She seems to think that doing the show is going to only help their 5 year marriage continue to improve. I think she is hilarious in her deluions.

We hit a rough patch in our marriage, but now that we are on a trashy TV show, things will be perfect!

OH GOOD GOD!

They should warn us before they show Suzie’s SillyPutty face! That is just wrong. It looks like her face is melting or something. What is that?

Silly Putty should never be left out in the sun. It will eventually melt.

Anyway, she meets up with RealWorldTami for lunch. They apparently had a falling out but have since made up. They now consider each other friends. They just don’t trust each other. They talk about the shirts and how RealWorldTami is going to sue Evelyn over it.

SillyPutty just thinks all of these bitches are crazy. I think SillyPutty needs to do something about her face because, NO!

So, now we get to the most exciting part of the episode. RealWorldTami walks into Dulce and makes fun of the name. She wants to try to get Evelyn to be decent and not do the shirt thing. Evelyn shows her the shirts. Those things are terrible! They are shitty shirts! Who would buy those? I am seriously asking, who would pay money for those things?

If these shirts sell, I will have lost all faith in humanity. Again.

Evelyn gives some bullshit about taking something negative and turning it into something positive. Basically, she is taking her fame whoring and whoring-whoring and turning it into money – which is what RealWorldTami tells her. But, Evelyn is going to sell them anyway. So, RealWorldTami serves her with papers – is that allowed to happen in real life? Don’t lawyers usually serve lawsuit papers? Also, since I missed the season when all of this came out, would RealWorldTami even have a legit lawsuit?

Anyway, Evelyn isn’t even fazed. She tears the shit up and that sets RealWorldTami off.

Bitch, don’t be ruining my moment by tearing up my illegally served papers! I will own your ass!

I was hoping I would see RealWorldTami grab one of the heels off the display and start wrecking shit. But that doesn’t happen.

Instead they yell at each other about counter suits and RealWorldTami owning the store and changing the name to “Tami’s Bitch!” I think I would totally shop at a store called “Tami’s, Bitch!” I might not buy anything, but I would definitely be curious enough to go inside.

Then they go into the “This Season.” And, honestly? This episode was such a waste of a good buzz that I just don’t have the energy. We will get to the drama as we go through the season.

So, tell me Gasmii, what is the deal with these bitches? How does one parlay being cheated on into a reality show that pays you for eating, drinking, and wearing giant earrings? Because “I need ta know!”

Anyway, I really appreciate all of the info you guys have been giving me about the show and I hope that as the season picks up things will get more interesting or at least trashy. What did you think of the episode? I know you’re not shy so let it all hang out in the comments!