Recap: Battlestar Galactica: Final Five, Chosen One & A Couple of Bitch Slaps

I was looking forward to Sunday for two reasons: the AFC play-offs and the return of BSG. The morning started off perfectly: coffee, Sunday paper, damn, things were looking good… until it all went down hill around 8:00 pm… Peyton Manning and the Colts staged a comeback to defeat my beloved Patriots. Great, maybe with this AFC title and first Superbowl appearance, Manning will get a commercial deal, yeah, that’s just what he needs – don’t we see enough of his frackin face?? Okay, I admit that the commercial where he gets everyone’s autographs and chants “D-CAF… D-CAF” gets me every time — but whatever, frack the Colts. Go Bears!

The Patriot loss put such a damper on my evening that I went straight to bed, or maybe I passed out — whatever you want to call it — details, details… I left BSG for Monday, and with that, I was in a better place (if you call being on Algae Planet, fighting raiders (cylon, not Oakland) with nukes ready to detonate at Adama’s command a better place) and a better network, Sci-Fi, where I’m very confident that I will not see a single Manning commercial… please BSG, don’t disappoint me like the Pats did, onto the recap! Go Humanity!
It’s been a little over a month since the last episode or “mid-season finale” – a growing trend among hot shows that I’m quickly getting sick of… yeah, I’m talking to you: Prison Break, Lost, BSG & more… It’s not suspenseful, it’s simply irritating. I have an idea: air a whole season – ok, throw in a few repeats – have a finale, THEN start another season. I’m not buying this mid-season crap. So where did we leave off?

Starbuck is still being a douchebag, and crash landed on the Algae Planet, left to fend for herself by her undercover lover, Lee. Everyone wants this Eye of Jupiter thing, yet no one knows how to find it. Athena is pretty pissed about her baby situation – and we’ve all seen the cylon rage before and it isn’t pretty – and she wants her baby back, NOW. Baltar broke up his cylon threesome and took camp with Team D’Anna, though ulterior motives are looming. And oh yeah, nukes are ready to launch and destroy the Eye of Jupiter, the Algae Planet and all the main characters fighting there.

The opening scenes are intense. Col. Tigh is inputting the secret firing code to deploy the nukes. I wonder if he used the same secret code for his ATM pin on the colonies, because I totally would – there’s no way you’d forget that… anyway, over at the cylon base, there’s lots of infighting and the cylon front is splitting. They don’t want the temple destroyed and believe Adama will nuke it… oh yeah, you better believe he will, he’s no joke.

Please Daddy, No!

Sam’s at gunpoint on the Algae Planet because he wants to go save his wife, yet Lee says there’s not enough manpower to spare for a search party, so he comes up with a brilliant plan: he’s sending his own wife, Dualla, putting her life in danger, to save the woman he’s been doing on the side. Yup, she’s excited for this mission. By her look alone, you know Lee’s not getting ANY for at least a month… so he’ll run to Starbuck.

Back on Galactica, just as Adama was going to push the button, the raiders turned back. Pheeeeeeew. Close one. Again. Meanwhile, the cylons are still fighting and ganging up on the D’Anna model for her defiance. I’m a little confused here, I know that each cylon model has the same biological DNA, but the specific models all act differently (i.e. Boomer, Athena and Caprica and the other 7′s), so how are they ganging up on the model? Why wouldn’t they do that to the Sharon model? Anyone? One raider, carrying Baltar and D’Anna are still on their way to the Algae Planet, but Adama doesn’t see the risk, and disengages the nukes.

I think we’ve all suspected that Athena would have something up her sleeve. After all, she’s PISSED about the whole President stealing her baby then losing it thing, and she and Helo are dramatically conspiring. Helo actually stands his ground for about thirty seconds and says a lot of things like, “Don’t ask me to do that!?” and “No”, with that perfected powty/pussy face. What are they doing?? Are they betraying humanity? Come on Helo, don’t do it!

But Athena begged, and Helo cracked. As they embraced, Helo shot Athena in the gut sending her to download heaven. I have to admit, I didn’t see that one coming. I was even shocked when he shot her, forgetting she was a cylon, for a split second, I thought Helo just wanted to put an end to his woman troubles for good. “Ohhhhh, I get it,” I thought, yeah, maybe I’m not the quickest out there, but it came to me… eventually. Good plan — get your baby, girl… good luck…

Adama and President Roslin were much quicker than I, and they didn’t skip a beat in giving it to Helo. Yes, he definitely put their defense system on the line and put all of humanity in danger, but seriously, they’re in enough danger anyway, what’s a little bit more? Has Pres. Roslin forgotten that this jam is all her making?? She takes full responsibility for her part and she even makes taking blame sound good. I love her. She’s up there with President (David) Palmer as the top TV Presidents of all time.

Palmer/Roslin 2008

Athena downloads into the grimy cylon bubble bath we’ve seen many times before. Caprica’s there to ease her through the process. Athena does her best acting (I hope? Unless she’s bluffing) and convinces Caprica that the humans have betrayed her and she made a mistake. They go to her baby.

The Chief, with his new found “feelings” making him the expert on all things Eyes of Jupiterish, is flitting around the temple trying to find the Eye before the cylons destroy the ground troops. Step on it, Tubby. Meanwhile, the other “feeling” two, Baltar and D’Anna’s are blabbing on about being the anointed and chosen one — get over yourselves already and go see the final five cylon faces, I’m dying here!

Dualla’s having a crappy time trying to find Starbuck, getting shot at and losing her nameless sidekick. And you know she’s still fuming inside from her asshole husband’s orders. Poor D.

Starbuck is in rough shape, but conveniently only her hands are seared into her gloves (gag), but she still looks purrrdy. Here we have the most awkward rescue ever: the wife saves the mistress/love of her husband’s life. Dualla shots her up with some super painkiller juice. Come on Dualla, at least slap the bitch first! Just once? You know you want to… at least Dualla makes it clear with her perfect facial expressions that she’s not overly pleased about her orders to risk her life to save Starbuck’s.

Back on the cylon ship, Athena sees Hera and the baby stops crying instantly. Hera needs help though, not by a cylon doctor, what do they know about hybrid babies?? She needs a human doctor, they must go to Galactica. Nice plan Athena! But noooo, psycho-wannabe-Mom, Sharon is onto her and is about to snap the little baby’s neck. What the frack is wrong with cylons? Caprica definitely did the same thing in season one to the poor baby in the stroller, what do they have against innocent babies? Although now she’s a softie. I think Caprica’s downloaded a few too many times… she’s still got a little edge though, because with one swift blow, Sharon is down and Caprica and Athena escape with Hera.

Back on the Algae Planet, Starbuck is nonsensical and absolutely useless to Dualla who’s trying to get them to safety. Then SLAAAAAAAAAP! Finally, Dualla lays one on Starbuck. I cheered. Okay, so supposedly it was to get Starbuck out of her daze, but you know Dualla was all warm inside after it. Very nice to see. Finally, Dualla may stand up for herself.

Lee was about to blow the temple, but somehow, Baltar, D’Anna and the quantum leap cylon, donning his best Indiana Jones garb, sneak in and unplug the explosives before he can set it. How convenient. A supernova’s coming, and I still don’t understand what that is, but I guess it’s a big deal and kinda important.

D’Anna stands in the perfect spot, at the perfect time and it unlocks the mystery she’s been waiting for: the final five! Yes, who are these mysterious white figures:
1) don’t know
2) can’t see
3) what the frack
4) please tell us one?
5) Nope.

She apologizes to one figure, saying she didn’t know? Could this be Baltar? The mystery remains… ugh! But all is not lost; Baltar gets clocked on the side of the head by our lovable, tubby Chief! Nice! “Welcome home Mr. President.” Another cheer comes out of me… this is way better than the football game.

Everyone gets back to Galactica safely, hugs and awkward glances are exchanged and all is well… today. Adama suggests that the Eye of Jupiter was a road sign after the last supernova 4,000 years ago, and that the people followed it to earth. I don’t know, all the nebulas and supernovas and gods and myths are confusing the frack out of me. Does finding Earth have to be so confusing?

Cold what?

Before the show concludes, Helo confronts Starbuck about a painting of hers from her old apartment that looks eerily similar to the markings in the temple. Hmmmmmmmmmm. Aboard the cylon ship, D’Anna’s model is being boxed and sent to cold storage indefinitely. Damn, those cylons are cold. Is this the last of D’Anna?

Are Athena and Caprica up to no good on Galactica? Is Starbuck the Chosen One? How good was it to see Baltar AND Starbuck get slapped in one episode? Who’s the cylon that D’Anna recognized?