Recap: BSG: Hey Look, It’s The Guy Married to the Cylon

I just finished watching a documentary about women in prison on the National Geographic Channel – I forget the exact title – I think it was something like “Crazy-Tough, Locked-Up Ladies Throwing Their Feces at Guards” because that’s what really stuck out to me the most in the hour. But seriously, check it out, good stuff… I mean “good stuff” if you NEVER have to go there… I’m scared…

I’m 99% sure that I’ll never wind up there… I’m a law-abiding citizen (pot’s illegal?), with a record of only minor parking violations. Victimless crimes aside, there’s a small chance that I could get framed for something, or take some ill-fated marketing gig at the Cartoon Network. Consider me scared straight though, because I’m most certain that I’d be somebody’s lady-bitch in the clink. Yup, I’m a sci-fi-loving pacifist, I wouldn’t have a chance…i’m still scared… Good time to board the Galactica and go for an hour-long ride! People are sick? They don’t take medicine? Let’s recap before this thing spreads…BSG opens at the abode of our favorite (or only) hybrid couple & baby: Helo, Athena and Hera. Helo has insomnia or something because he’s pacing back and forth, opening and closing paperwork, counting sheep… what, they don’t have super-strength, non-addictive sleep aids in the future? Maybe there’s a shortage… but I’m starting to understand why there are so many Helo fans out there… damn…Club Galactica’s still the place to be in the galaxy™ (it sounded like it should be trademarked). Everyone’s all jokey-jokey and lovey, so apparently some time must have passed since last week when everyone hated each other and loved the wrong person, etc. Good to see — at least we know we won’t have the dreaded Starbuck/Apollo storyline this episode.

Meanwhile we have the Sagittarons boarding Galactica. Nice! These guys are optimistic, fun-loving, a little impatient, born between November 21 and December 21… oh wait, little mix-up, these Sagittarons are different: they don’t take medicine and HATE doctors, but they’re still a good time! They’re not looking too good – they may want to rethink that religious creed. Man, these BSG writers LOVE religious storylines. This future sect of Christian Scientists aren’t too keen on the idea of being holed up on Galactica, and I’m not sure where they even came from?

And where did this new doctor come from?? I’m used to the cranky, chain-smoking, old Doc we’ve all grown to love. Anyway, Helo’s by his side and we enter the first phases of a very Helo-centric episode. As long as they keep his shirt off, I’m fine with it. Hey guys – you have Six, wearing next to nothing, every other episode, throw the ladies a bone here… hee, hee… I said bone.

After dramatic coughing and people collapsing, the very astute Doctor and Helo deem these people “sick”. Hmmmm, very observant. I’m sure glad this new doc is in town. Crew of Galactica: Rest easy, this doctor KNOWS when you’re sick.

The new Doc tells Col. Tigh & others (our trusty doc is present), that the Sags have come down with “Mellorak Sickness”. It starts in the kidneys, and then spreads everywhere. Booooo. BUT, it’s not airborne disease, it’s only transmitted by saliva, sexual intercourse, etc… uh, oh, there goes Starbuck. But it’s treatable. Yay! But if you’re not treated within the first 48 hours, you die within 3-5 days. Another booooo. I just hope these Sags aren’t horny. Since they don’t believe in medicine, I find it hard to believe they use other prophylactics. I just hope their belief against medicine equals a belief about not fracking around.

Back in the Sags’ sick quarters, they all refuse medication to treat their ailments. Or as Col. Tigh eloquently puts it, they’re a “bunch of stubborn, root-sucking jackasses holding onto traditions that are a thousand years old.” I guess that means Col. Tigh doesn’t agree with them.

On top of not taking medication, they STINK too. Helo and Dr. New wince at the smell and I’m kinda bored now. Oh wait…

To my great delight, President Roslin and Zarek are talking about the fate of our futuristic Benedict Arnold, Gaius Baltar, and the trial of the century. Zarek seems to think that if Baltar gets a trial, anarchy will ensue. Civil unrest! Assassination plots! Disruption of Order! Cats chasing dogs! Starbuck being nice! Algae fights in the cafeteria! Bar clearing brawls at Club Galactica! Cylon infiltration! Machines turning on man – wait – that already happened. Anyway, we get it… Baltar trial=bad.

Back to Helo & The Sick, a caring mother let Dr. New give her son the medication he needed to survive, but he DIED. She’s calling it murder and telling her fellow Sags to not take medicine, negating any progress Helo was making in trying to help the people. The Sags are dropping like flies, but Club Galactica’s still kickin!

Everyone who’s ANYONE is there, acting like they’re all friends. Whatever. Chief is mouthing off, complaining about the Sags, until Apollo steps in and sticks up for his wife, who happens to be a Saggitaron – I guess he’s trying to redeem himself after fracking around with Starbuck for what seemed like episodes on end. I still think he’s an asshole.

On the other side of Galactica, Athena is paying her cylon friend a visit. At least they stopped beating the frack out of the cylon prisoners – I was actually feeling bad for them. Caprica looks good, fed and less bruised compared to her other stints in captivity. Athena thanks Caprica for her help and advises her to help the humans, specifically to expose Baltar and his crimes. Just as Baltar had his imaginary Six, Caprica has an Imaginary Baltar. What is going on with them? What is their connection? She’s way too tall for him.

He asks her why she’s there, but she doesn’t know. Graaaytt. A sleeper cylon never bodes well for humanity. Get back to me with your intentions next episode, okay? Then she reveals that she thinks she’s there because she wants to be human. Hmmm, could we be getting to a flaw in the cylon design?? These human/cylons are getting too emotionally involved and so close to humanity that they want to actually be human. Take D’Anna and her issues of repeated downloads… and of course, there’s Athena.

Baltar tells Caprica that in order to be human, you must only think of yourself. Damn, that makes me one fine human being…

Back in the Sick Bay, the Sags are unruly. They really, really don’t like doctors. I wonder if they have lollipops aboard Galactica? That would help… Helo saves the day, and spares the New Doc from some serious Sag ass-kicking. But wait… he kinda deserved it? He administered drugs against their will, while they were sleeping… but the plot thickens… the patients were beyond the point of help. Why would he waste valuable medicine on patients beyond saving? Dun. Dun. Dun…

Helo, always the trouble maker, speaks to the higher-ups, and gets less than a warm welcoming. Adama brushes him off. Col. Tigh is personally offended, having worked side-by-side with the doctor on New Caprica, watching him work endlessly to save his fellow humans. Apparently, he did a bang-up job, including work on Tigh’s eye wound… this doctor must have one hell of a bedside manner, because I definitely remember Tigh had only a scrap of paper, and piece of tape covering his eye socket, with NO EYE.

Col. Tigh starts talking smack to Helo and … TiiiiiiiiNK. Helo connects with Tigh’s face, sending him to the floor… Ouch… in Tigh’s defense, I imagine it’s very difficult to block punches with one good eye. I expected Tigh to jump up and scream for Helo’s arrest, then punch him in the gut, kick him in the face, and say things about his mother – let’s face it, Col. Tigh is one of the angriest people on Galactica (close tie with Starbuck). For some reason, Col. Tigh stands up, shakes it off and keeps going.

Helo’s having a bad day. On top of it all, his daughter is sick. He starts self-reflecting to Athena, telling her that he always has to cross the line, cause trouble, etc. I got an idea for you Helo: shut the frack up then! He storms out, and I’m sure he’s heading to Club Galactica to bitch about marriage, lack of greenery, crappy food, and the lack of hookers with the Chief. Nope. After his pity party about his penchant for making trouble, where does he go??? To look through what appears to be personal medical files. Good idea!

Helo finds that our new fearless doctor, is in fact… a racist doctor! His record indicates he likes/saves Capricans and kills Sags – but conveniently, Sags are known for refusing medicine so his acts are covered and hard to prove. Our trusty old doctor catches Helo and insists he checked a patient in question and that he did die of Mellorak sickness… or did he? I smell cover-up…

A sickly Dualla is heading in for treatment…uh, oh. I’m going to give D the benefit of the doubt here and assume she paid her family/friends a visit and that’s how she got sick. She wouldn’t stoop to Apollo’s level and have a revenge frack, would she? He definitely deserves it!

One of the refugees runs to Helo to warn him about his friend. He runs to find D in rough shape. Helo takes D. New Doc grabs his friend, Col. Tigh for back-up and IT. IS. ON!

Helo loses it, and guns are drawn. But wait… Col. Tigh is sticking up for who… huh? Isn’t this his eye-patching buddy? Ahhhhha! The good doctor checked the kid’s autopsy AFTER he caught Helo and yup, he killed Sags. The new doctor defends his God-playing antics, quoting his old friend Tigh as saying back in the day, “Aside from a cylon, is there anything that you can hate more than a Saggitaron?”

Gulp… I think Col. Tigh just ate his racist words… but he rebuts, “I’ll tell you what I hate Mike [oh, the doctor had a name this whole time, ooops], being wrong! Captain Agathon, arrest this son of a bitch!” It takes a man to admit his mistakes, but he still SO deserved that punch in the face.

Adama apologizes to Helo for doubting his claims and something about appreciating his lone voice in the wilderness… very poetic Admiral. We end with Helo’s shit-eating grin and all is calm aboard Galactica – except for the complete lack of quality healthcare – please don’t make that another episode! Oh, and of course, Dualla and Hera are fine.

This episode was okay. I get it: there’s hate and racism in the future, just as there is today, and we need voices that will stick up and defend people and uncover the injustices in the world or galaxy – oh, and going to the doctor really sucks. Noted. Can we get back to cylon battles, the pursuit of Earth and the punishment for Baltar???? What did you think of the episode? Did you miss Starbuck, or were you happy for the break?