Recap: Battlestar Galactica: Hot Fudge Planet Delight

I guess I’ve been a good girl this year, because Christmas came early for me. I didn’t realize it though, since I watched the latest BSG episode after the holidays. This damn holiday season seriously infringed on my TV time — even with all the repeats, I found myself way behind. Now with the New Year rung in, my priorities re-aligned, I’m caught up, and all is right in the world. I apologize for the tardy recap, I went on pre-Christmas vacation to Aruba when this episode aired (I guess no sympathy there), came back for a week to Christmas shop (any compassion for procrastination?), and had revolving house guests (please?). Now that my hangovers (ugh, plural) have faded, I call to attention those remaining brain cells (maybe two?): I_must_recap_now…I’ve been a little tough on this season so far. It’s like having two children: one perfect straight ‘A’ child (Battlestar Galactica), and one charming-in-its-own-way, yet not-so-sharp one (hmm, let’s call that one Prison Break)… you love them both for different reasons, but you hold one up to much higher standards.

The episode opens on the Algae Planet. Why was everyone hell-bent on settling on Kobul, but no one even suggests living on Algae Planet?? The place has food, sun, AND oxygen. Sure, everyone seemed overly sweaty on this newly discover planet, but it beats the drab lighting on Galactica.

Starbuck is doing some showboat of a landing that causes an irritated Dualla to wonder aloud to her faithless spouse why she was always at the top of the pilot rotation? That’s not all she’s on top, heeheeheehee – bad infidelity joke, sure, but I was half expecting Apollo to stutter out some nervous answer, but instead he quickly ran to Starbuck’s ship and pinned her up against the wall – who knew starvation was an aphrodisiac?

What they lacked in discretion they made up in heat. I still don’t really buy their chemistry, but it was pretty hot… and sweaty. Then, of course, they had to talk about their feelings. Buzz. Kill.

Apollo points out that he wants something more than secret ass-grabbing in the halls of Galactica and quickies in the coed showers. He couldn’t possibly mean divorcing sweet Dualla for the unstable Starbuck, could he??? Yup. What an asshole. But no, Starbuck turns out to be the bigger asshole, by saying that marriage is a sacrament to the Gods, and she won’t divorce Sam, only play on the side. What she and Apollo were doing was just “bending the rules” a little. Huh? That’s like someone having pre-marital sex Monday through Saturday, but abstaining on Sunday because it’s a sin and a holy day – like God won’t notice the other days you were fornicating your head off, but will be thankful that you took his day off. No sense. They’re trapped in the dumbest argument. Apollo feels guilty (finally) and Starbuck is deranged.

From there we jump to the Cylon Mothership where Baltar wakes up confused… he’s not in a cylon sandwich?? Were D’Anna and Caprica leaving him for each other? The jealousy begins… oh, here’s the downfall of the threesome – whether man or machine, jealousy always enters the mix and one is always left out feeling rejected and inferior… or so people tell me…

We then see the Minority Report-like woman in her bath spouting words of wisdom or babbling – I’m actually not too sure what her purpose is. However, a very astute friend of mine pointed out that there are twelve tubes inserted into the mind-reader woman, symbolizing the twelve cylon models. Interesting. Still have no idea what it means though.

Back with the algae, a very chubby Chief is having a religious experience of his own, wandering toward a mysterious structure on the planet, which turns out to be the Temple of Five. Clearly the Chief has some daddy issues that he put to good use by finding this thing. The Temple contains the Eye of Jupiter, which is a marker left behind by the thirteenth tribe, and it points to Earth, or so the myth goes. You know we’ll see Earth in the end, and I’m dying to see the condition it’s in… Pangea? Globally warmed-over? Inhabited by speaking apes?

Back on Galactica, the cylons send a message that they want to board the ship to talk and have tea. The last time there was a human/cylon meeting, I believe they tried to destroy mankind… aaw, let’s give ‘em another chance. Baltar, Boomer, D’Anna, and the Quantum Leap cylon all board Galactica. Baltar has an emotional reunion with Galactica – I’m sure there are welcome signs and balloons in his head… no such luck in reality. No one is happy to see him. Athena stops Boomer before entering, warning them that this was the Sharon that shot Adama, I don’t know what this did… I guess she lost all diplomatic rights after attempting to assasinate Adama, but really it just created an opportunity for Boomer to tell Athena about her baby.

I was hoping for a Boomer/Athena rumble, with hair-pulling, trash-talking, and tittie-twisting, but no such luck. I guess it would be weird to punch someone that looked exactly like you in the face.

The cylons want Galactica to leave the Algae Planet and the Eye of Jupiter. For this, QL cylon would “sweeten the pot” by giving them Baltar as a little incentive. Ouch. Baltar’s face was priceless – only made better if he had pissed his pants, and we got to see the slow, growing dark spot in his trousers. He is at his best when he is most pathetic. First he wakes up without his bread, and now this! How cylons turn so quickly. He is the odd man out. Humans hate him; cylons don’t care about him. Poor, poor Baltar.

I like Scary Adama. He thinks by putting your face mere inches from the enemies’ face, they will crumble. He employs this tactic often – I have to give it to him, it’s probably about 98% effective. His face is pretty intense, combined with some raunchy breath, it would make the toughest enemy quiver. Adama doesn’t give in to the cylons’ demands, holding ground on Algae Planet, thanks all to the face scare.

Adama tells the ground crew to put nukes in the temple. If he can’t have it, no one can… he’ll blow it up. I have a funny feeling that Adama wasn’t a fun childhood playmate…

Apollo is given orders to blow the temple if the cylons get too close. He decides he has to draft civilians in response to the threat and Starbuck has a great idea: have Sam lead the civilian troops! For some reason this idea seems flawed to me… we’ll see.

Sam doesn’t seem to like taking orders from the guy that’s boning his wife… he’s no dummy. Dualla may be playing dumb, but Sam isn’t having it. He puts up a fight saying his specialty is guerilla warfare, not leading ground troops, but ultimately, he has to take the Major Asshole’s orders.

Back on Galactica, Gaeta finds anomalies in the solar radiation belt – which means, dum..dum..dum… they’re on the verge of a supernova. Now, I have no idea what that means, but it sounds serious. Gotta love wikipedia: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Supernova — ok, i still don’t know what it means. It lost me after “fusion energy”. Damn you science. After all, I have a degree in journalism, and in one of my first classes the professor allegedly said, “Journalism is for people who aren’t good at math or science.” It went something like that, not exactly sure… dammit, I’m not even a good reporter.

At another very serious cylon meeting, the who’s who of cylons are talking strategy. D’Anna has a trick up her sleeve that she kept from the others. We’re starting to see a split in cylon leadership… I like it! They’re becoming more human-like day by day. She already has raiders in place to take out the humans, get the Eye of Jupiter, and then blow Galactica out of space. Now we’re talking! Here’s the BSG I know and love… threats to humanity and all.

Sam and Apollo are in desperate need for one of those boxing matches from a few episodes back because these dudes DO NOT like each other. Sam gives a moving pep-talk to his civilian crew and is lauded by Apollo. Even nice words from the guy that’s diddling your wife seem condescending and prick-like. Sam reveals to Apollo, “What, you think you’re the first?” Ouch. Nice comeback, you’re not the only guy my wife has banged, take that! Starbuck is such a slut. Yeah, they’ve been married a year and a half, but she was held captive for a good handful of months or so… she was one busy newlywed. Apollo comes back saying that he’s busy trying to fight a war, blah, blah… but twenty minutes ago, I’m pretty sure, no wait, I KNOW he was trying to get in Starbuck’s sweaty pants…

Back on the cylon ship, the girl in the tub babbles on about the Chosen One entering the Temple. Hera? Who is the Chosen One? Baltar? The moral of this threesome story approaches… although it sounds good in theory, it just never plays out well for at least one member. Baltar’s not the one left out, Caprica’s getting the boot out of their exclusive club. D’Anna and Baltar tell Caprica that her destiny is different than theirs. Low blow. Oh, but Baltar says it’s not personal, much better. That’s up there with the “It’s not you, it’s me” slap. Poor Caprica is getting the shaft – are there no lessons learned from past women scorned? I can’t wait to see how this turns out.

I have to think that Baltar has some trick up his sleeve. I can’t believe he would turn on Caprica for Team D’Anna — especially after all that “transcendental” bullshit. That’s a great line though…

Back on Galactica, there’s some damage control in the works. President Hide-A-Baby-Then-Lose-It has to face the music. Cylon-pussy-whipped Helo and Athena are enraged, and rightly so. Will Athena turn on the humans because of President Roslin’s deed?

Back on the Algae Planet, Starbuck’s hit and goes down. Apollo refuses to send out a search party because they lack the man power. Starbuck should’ve really reconsidered the whole divorce thing… maybe that would have scored her some points and gotten her a rescue party. Sam insists they send one out and they get in an “I like her more, No, I like her more, I like her more” tiff. Oh boys, settle down.

It’s a time of war, so sacrifices will be made. In the end, we have a gun pointed at Sam, Adama authorizing nukes, sacrificing his son, Starbuck down, D’Anna and Baltar heading to the Temple, and Chief using all his religious might to find the frackin’ eye. Now we’re talking, this has been the best episode of the season and now… TO BE CONTINUED… ugh.

I knew it was coming, but until you see those three dreaded words, you don’t believe it. With that, we have to wait until the new day and time: January 21, 10/9 Central. I’m not too crazy about this. I guess I can’t finish this recap without complaining about something… BUT my Friday date-night is ruined: me, BSG, candles, lots and lots of wine, so romantic… what should I do now with my crazy Friday night, watch the Ghost Whisperer? Heeeeell noooooooo. I guess I have to be social. Thanks BSG.

For this new year I resolve to produce speedy recaps with less complaining. After all, BSG is the best show on TV right now and this episode proved it. Do you think the cylons will find the Eye of Jupiter? Which relationships will last? What’s going on with the Chief? Who’s the Chosen One?