Recap: Battlestar Galactica: ‘Tis Not The Season

It’s been a while since the last recap of Battlestar Galactica and I’m attempting to fill J-Unit’s large shoes (and you know what they say about bloggers with large shoes) by recapping BSG, so please bear with me. Though I have never seen the original version, I’m a HUGE fan of the new Battlestar Galactica, and I don’t take it lightly. But if you can’t laugh at the near extinction of humanity and the possible enslavement of humans by man-made machines, what can you laugh at??

Don’t get me wrong, I love this show. I think the season and I started off on the wrong foot when I had to endure seemingly endless episodes of Lee in a fat suit and Adama sporting a stache. It’s still by far one of the best shows on TV, but the season thus far has been chock full of filler, and I’m not talking about a delicious, sugary cream puff center — it’s been more like that “soy” burger filler: less meat, more crap.I’ve been mulling over three things and wondering why we haven’t gotten any clues yet this season: Who are the five other cylon models?? Are they sleepers? Why don’t they walk around with the seven others on the ship, or on New Caprica?

We know there’s something very special about the hybrid baby, Hera… any hints? Where is she? Tease us, please! And finally… where the frack is Earth? I guess that one will be left to some sort of finale. It’s kinda a big deal.

Where did we leave off?? Oh yeah, everyone’s sort of safe aboard the Galactica. I’m not sure which civilian ships made it. Everyone only cares about Galactica anyway. That really sucks, because I would make my way to Cloud Nine, pronto. That ship looked sweet, plus that’s where everyone went, all hooched up, to get drunk and laid. Morale amongst the remaining citizens/soldiers will be VERY low if that ship didn’t make it.

Back on Galactica a secret group, headed by the most damaged of damaged goods — Col. Tigh — put those who served under the cylons on trial for crimes against humanity. I wouldn’t so much say that they all got fair trials, but they were definitely speedy. Most had the same ending: one way ticket into space city. Gaeta was finally spared after drawn out debate on whether he was or wasn’t the secret informant to the humans. He saved everyone’s butt, they should be praising him, but no one would even sit with him at the lunch table – it’s not like he slept with his recently paralyzed-quarterback-boyfriend’s best friend or anything like that – give the guy a break, this isn’t high school! Soon, Gaeta’s rep was polished and the secret group disbanded once newly (again) President Roslin caught wind of it.

Galactica finds out that Gaius Baltar is alive and still being a dick. Somehow, on board a cylon ship, he manages to go from a suspected and tortured cylon traitor to the meat in a cylon sandwich. It is now proven without a doubt (as if anyone had any doubts) that cylons were created by men. How else can you explain the reason why two hot cylon/humans would make Baltar the meat of their toaster sandwich? Baltar’s back to helping the cylons of course, using his knowledge to beat the humans in the race to Earth. What a dick. He’s also is beginning to wonder if he’s a cylon himself. That would be a little too obvious, and I’m really hoping he isn’t because I don’t want to see him resurrected again… and again… and again… you get my point. He’s little and hairy and bothers me.

Yuck.

Starbuck is being a first-class douchebag. Yeah, I know, she had a tough time on New Caprica… boohoo. Granted, being imprisoned by a psychotic obsessive cylon wouldn’t be my idea of a cool existence — she had a freakin’ sweet condo, dinner every night, and a man who came home to her every night! Lots of woman would dream of that sort of thing…

Everyone else had to suffer through coughing up dustballs, living in crappy tents, and doing their business on the barren land that lacked plentiful shrubbery. Suck it up Starbuck. You have the hottest husband, you didn’t loose an eye, kill your spouse, and you got to poop in a pot. Instead of focusing on the positive, she’s got a restaurant-style tortilla chip on her shoulder, leaves her husband and is a general bitch to everyone.

On the cylon front, a virus infects and kills a buttload of them on one of their ships, giving Apollo an idea on how to quell the cylon threat…FOREVER. Of course, cylon-pussy-whipped Helo objects. When did he become important? Helo explains: genocide bad… blah, blah, blah… I heart cylons…blah, blah… crime against humanity…blah… blah… then we’re just as bad as they are… ok Helo, we get it! Obviously it didn’t work because then we’d have no show. Thank gods…

I hate to gloss over “Hero” where Bulldog returns after being imprisoned on a cylon ship for three years, after a botched mission led by Adama. We viewers are kinda onto the cylon tricks, whereas they just don’t let ANYONE escape. So you knew Bulldog was up to something. He tries to kill Adama. The first time that happened, they got me. When Boomer shot him in the gut, I thought he could actually bite it. He survives this latest assassination attempt, but we find that our most dignified leader could be at fault for the attack on the colonies because during his mission they breached the armistice line after attempting to spy on the cylons. WE can all cut Adama some slack knowing the cylon plan was long in the making.

This takes us to the best episode of the season, “Unfinished Business”. The concept is ingenious. In order to ease frustrations and grievances among colleagues, throw your name in a box, call someone out and beat the crap out of each other. Perfect. That will stop the eye-rolling and behind-the-back name calling for a week – they should have a reality show for this… oh wait, they do… Real World/Road Rules Challenges: The Duel… or The Guantlet, or The Inferno. Note to MTV: next challenge simplify, you should go with “The Ring” and have them duke it out… drunk. Awesome.

This episode was like Rocky… if Adrianne slept with Apollo Creed (who happened to be her dead fiancé’s brother), then married Rocky the next morning, and in the end, Adrienne boxed Apollo while Rocky and Mrs. Creed look on. Okay, so really it’s nothing like it but the bottom line is that Starbuck was a big douchebag even before she was held captive — so much for that excuse. Poor Apollo… but I really don’t see the chemistry between those two. I’ve liked Starbuck with Sam since the day they played that romantic pyramid game together on Caprica, and not just because Sam is the hottest guy on the show… well, I don’t know any other reason, so maybe that’s it.

This may be old news to some, so if you’re in the upper echelon of dork trivia, just skip this paragraph completely because you’ll probably roll your eyes and think, “yeah, who didn’t know that?” First, Zarek was the original Lee Adama. He must have been quite a looker in the late 70’s to pull off a polyester Apollo. Also, President Roslin is Mrs. Darko (I found that out recently on my ninth viewing… I still don’t get it) — she happens to be the recipient of my favorite line of that movie: “You’re not a bitch; you’re bitchin’.”

Back to the fights — Adama, after getting his butt kicked by Chief, sends a message to the crew. No more Mr. Nice Guy: we’re at war, no time for kisses and cupcakes and star-gazing with President Roslin. This is business.

Apollo and Starbuck take their frustrations out on the ring and beat the crap out of each other, neither backing down. The crowd disperses and we’re left with some resolution, I think, to their drama. Now with the tension between Apollo and Starbuck explained, we can move along to more important things like Earth and cylons and wait, oh crap, a food shortage… I guess we have to do this once a season. The first season there was a water shortage. I’m pretty sure there was a fuel shortage in one or two. I’m all for glossing over that story line with dialogue between Pres. Roslin and Adama:

Adama: We’re running out of food. The crew is starving.

Roslin: Wow. We have a problem on our hands.

Adama: Yes, and it needs to be addressed now.

Roslin: Oh, I just got a call from the civilian ship, Solar III. The last surviving civilian nutritional biologist changed the molecular structure of space vapors and converted it into edible, protein-filled bars. Humans only need one three ounce serving twice a day to maintain optimal metabolic health. We have a 50 year supply.

Adama: Excellent. Let’s find Earth.

I had high hopes for this episode because I recognized the writer, Jane Espenson, as a Buffy alum. Buffy the Vampire Slayer is the best show ever, so I was expecting results and was disappointed about the premise.

I have to say that BSG came through for me. Starbuck was still being a douchebag and the competitiveness and/or sexual tension between her and Cat was high. We find out the Cat isn’t the soldier we thought she was… she had a secret past that was about to be revealed by some cracked out guy on Galactica… she assumed someone else’s identity in order to become a pilot. Before the cylon attack, she was a drug-runner with the cracked out guy being her supplier.

Cat takes one for the team, after a gratuitous romp with the former scumbag who tried to out her, I didn’t get that? Maybe she just wanted one last pleasure before biting it, and I guess he was a sure-thing, but couldn’t she have set her sights a little higher?

In order to salvage her reputation and prove her worthiness, she risks all to get the algae or whatever it was on the other side of the star cluster to save mankind… again. On Cat’s deathbed, Starbuck kinda apologizes for questioning her loyalty and telling her she was responsible for the cylon attacks because she was a drug-runner. Adama didn’t even want to hear Cat’s story – she had proven herself to him and in return he makes her CAG… I guess just for the honor because I don’t see her leading anyone anywhere anytime soon. Moral of this story: everyone deserves a second chance – it mirrors the real world, just ask Miss USA – The Donald even says so.

The ending tugged at my heartstrings – I really liked Cat. Maybe I’ve been underestimating this season – the characters are an integral part of the show and that’s what makes it more than just a good sci-fi show. What do you guys think? How does this season compare to 1 and 2? Am I being too hard on this season? Why is Starbuck being such a huge douchebag???