A Geek By Any Other Name…

Thanks to sg-dub’s hiatus, some of the programming has been shuffled around here at TVgasm. Which is why I’m now covering Beauty and The Geek instead of The Biggest Loser: Special Edition. (Well, that and the fact that TBL:SE sucks fat balls.) Anyway, Beauty and The Geek is another show I’ve never watched before, which should free my recaps from the hindrance of having to know what I’m talking about.

Unfortunately, while I managed to catch Thursday’s season premiere, I missed the casting special which aired Wednesday night, because I forgot to move it ahead of Lost on my TiVo’s Season Pass Manager. So, how ’bout Eko staring down EdHill’s giant moving, thinking fart? What will the writers of Lost pull out of their collective asses next? I’m guessing they’ll say Ana Lucia’s in such a foul mood because all her eggs are rotting and no one will mount her.

It’s really too bad I missed the casting special, because from the few clips they showed before tonight’s episode, it looks like it was a real hoot. Take this guy, for instance. When asked how geeky he would rate himself on a scale of 1-10, he answered, “a solid E to the Pi.” Personally, I think he looks more like a solid “Bo to the Bice”, but that’s just me. Anyway, does it bother anyone they keep calling this show a “social experiment” instead of the more truthful “a chance to laugh at dorky guys lusting over bimboboobies”? (Heh. Bimbo Boobies sounds like the slutty sister of Bilbo Baggins. Someone you just know that horny Samwise would be all over.) I thought I had a funny “social experiment” comment to make here, but looking back over my notes it seems I wrote “Tunc, har!” Looks like I picked the wrong week to quit amphetamines.

The Geeks pull up to the mansion in teeny golf carts. Too bad the producers didn’t spring for Shriner cars. That would’ve ruled. Especially if they all had to wear a Fez. (The hat, not the statutory rapist. Although that would’ve ruled too.)

Here, in quick succession, are this season’s Geeks: Josh, a 5’4″, 104 pound museum critic and Woody Allen impersonator. He also takes medication to prevent anxiety attacks; Ankur, a member of the Indian Dance Club and inventor of the duct-tape bow tie; Chris, entrepreneur and Wolverine fanboy. (“He proved that hairy guys can get chicks.”) Yeah, except this hairy guy; Tyson, a Rubik’s Cube world record holder; Karl, a 12th Level Napoleon Dynamite Paladin; Wes, who tracks monkeys with lasers by using sharks with lasers attached to their heads; Joe, a speed-chess champion and aspiring rock drummer; and finally, Brandon, who may be a ringer.

Upon greeting the guys, host Mike Richards invites them into the house, where they gather in the library. “You are all here because you have one thing in common,” he tells the gathered Geeks. “You all have humungous schlongs.” Not really, but you know the Geeks were all thinking that. “You’re all incredibly intelligent,” Mike finishes. He then tells them they’ll each be partnered with a Beauty, the hope being that the two groups will learn from each other (hence the “social experiment” angle). The Beauties will teach the Geeks Revenge of the Nerds was a fairy tale, while the Geeks will try to teach the Beauties the benefits of the mercy f*ck. Barring that, they’ll settle for the third law of thermodynamics. The team that makes the biggest transformation at season’s end will receive $250,000. (Anyone have any idea how this “transformation” is judged?”)

Next, we get to meet the Beauties: Cher, a former Hooter’s waitress and current beer spokesmodel; Sarah, a dental assistant not above using her huge tracts of land to get what she wants; Thais (aka Ty), a model who’s never dated more than five, no six, guys at once; Tristin, a wicked-cool cocktail waitress and wicked-cool shot girl; Brittany, a tanning salon administrator who should’ve been born blonde; Jennipher, a camp counselor with an aversion to math and a thing for duct-tape; Amanda, who says, “When I see a large book, it’s very intimidating to me. When I see a large menu, it’s very intimidating to me.”; and finally Danielle, who owns over 200 shoes and handbags.

Yes, they’re real. And they’re spectacular.

One at a time, the Geeks must go out back and introduce themselves to the Beauties, who are gathered, bikini-clad, near the pool. Then, the Beauties will decide which Geek they want to team up with. Still with me? Then let’s get to pairing.

First up is Brandon, who thus far has given me nothing, other than he looks like Mr. Bean. Tristin picks Brandon, and together they select the fish-tank room. Ankur is next, and makes it clear he has no idea what this show’s about when he tells the camera he can’t work with morons, so he hopes a moron doesn’t pick him. He gets picked by Jennipher, because “if he can make that bow tie, maybe he can make me a really cute belt.” Yeah, from duct tape.

Tyson, who obviously knows a thing or two about impressing the ladies, demonstrates his world record technique for solving a Rubik’s Cube, without looking! Cher is impressed, saying “if only we could harness his power for evil!” But not as impressed as Thais, who picks Tyson as her pet project. Upstairs in the room, however, Thais is a little worried about having to share a bed with Tyson. Is she afraid he’ll try to solve her Rubik’s Cube when the lights go out?

Chris comes out next, and shows the beauties a sample from his line of custom greeting cards. The one he shares is meant for a cheating girlfriend. Outside: “I hope you’re happy.” Inside: “Cuz you ruined my life, you bitch.” I like Chris’ moxie. And Chris likes his chances, as he tells the camera, “A girl cannot meet every day a guy who makes his own greeting cards, his own T-shirts and has great hair.” Yeah, especially since I’m no longer available. My wife is a lucky woman indeed. Amanda picks Chris.

Josh is really nervous, but agrees to go next. While funny, he’s channeling Woody Allen a bit too much for my taste. Maybe he’d calm down a bit if one of the women were a teen-aged Korean girl. Josh likens his introduction to the Beauties as facing a “sexual firing squad,” and later tells them he feels like “Howard Carter discovering King Tut’s tomb,” and that he has “butterflies in his stomach that seem to be puking.” I can’t believe the girls didn’t come to blows over who’d get this keeper. Cher decides to pick Josh, as she feels she can teach him to be “less anxious, less nervous and not wear terry cloth on a hot summer day.” Josh later tells us how he excited he was to be picked by Cher. “For someone who looks like that to pick someone who looks like me, that was a boost of confidence. And a boost of anxiety. I mean, there were a lot of boosts going on there.” And he hasn’t even mentioned the one in his pants!

“Sweet.”

Karl Dynamite is the next geek to make an appearance. He tells the girls his typical Friday night is spent playing Dungeons and Dragons. “So, if you want to win,” he concludes, “I’m your man. Or something.” Sure Karl, if what they want to win is the help of Blithenpaxantadravos, a three-headed gem dragon. Danielle picks Karl, telling him “don’t be shy with me, because I’m comfortable to talk to.” Karl’s cool with that, but he’s upset their room has two twin beds. Or something.

To decide who gets Joe, the two remaining girls opt for a game of “Rock, Paper Scissors.” Only Sarah doesn’t know how to play, thinking that “rock” crushes “paper”. That means Sarah is stuck with Wes, whom she thinks is the least geeky of the bunch. Of course, that’s like saying Simon Cowell has the smallest breasts of the American Idol judges.

Next we get a quick montage of the Beauties and Geeks getting settled in their new digs. Thais is dumbfounded to learn Tyson’s brought five extra Rubik’s Cubes with him, “just in case.” In case of what? A puzzle emergency? Thais vows to break Tyson of his Rubik’s Cube obsession.

Jennipher can’t believe Ankur only has three pair of shoes. She’s brought fifteen pair! Ankur can’t understand what the big deal is: “I have a pair of sandals for when I don’t want to wear shoes, and shoes for when I do.” Jennipher asks what color his shoes are. “Uhm, sneaker-colored?” is Ankur’s genius-answer. Yeah, I can totally see why this guy didn’t want to get paired with a moron.

After a quick round of speed chess, it’s time to get in the hot tub. Amazingly, none of the guys are big hot tub fans. Josh explains his reluctance: “I’ve never been someone who can be around a hot tub. Can’t we put down a children’s pool first, and maybe start there and then move to the hot tub?” I’ve read that five times, and it still doesn’t make any sense.

Meanwhile, Chris won’t even come downstairs to hang out near the hot tub. Why? Because he’s “the most cut guy of all of them.” He’s been lifting for six months, he tells us while posing in front of the mirror, “and I didn’t want anyone to look at me and say ‘he’s pretty cut’ or ‘he has a wide back’.” Or a fat head.

“Hear me now and believe me later.”

Later, Jennipher decides it’s time for Ankur’s unibrow to go the way of the dodo. Unfortunately, Ankur is a huge dodo fan and won’t let her touch it. “It’s not like they wanted to shape it into something interesting or exciting,” he says. Like a dodo. “They just wanted to make it look like what good eyebrows look like.” Which is totally unlike a dodo! You go, Ankur!

At bedtime, things get a little interesting. If you define “interesting” as “awkward.” Turns out Brittany’s never slept in the same house as a man before, let alone the same room. Well, except for her dad. Josh, meanwhile, is so freaked out by sleeping in the same room as the “beautiful creature” he’s been teamed with that he’s decided to sleep in the closet. Yes, he actually goes in the closet rather than sleep with a girl. I’m sure there’s another good Hugh Jackman joke in there somewhere.

Morning brings its own form of weirdness, as the Beauties and the Geeks parade around in various states of undress. The Beauties seem to spend a lot time with the hairdryers, while the guys hit the floss.

The breakfast table conversation takes a serious turn when the topic turns to social situations. Josh says that nobody likes the shy guy in the corner. Nor, evidently, are they particularly fond of the the lonely man there on the corner. What he’s waiting for, I don’t know. But he waits, every day now. He’s just waiting for something to show. Oh.

In our first lesson of the episode, we learn that beautiful girls feel self-conscious too. For example, Tristin thinks she’s chubby. And Brittany is afraid both she and her sister have contracted fat arm disease. While Josh is comforted to learn that women also feel anxious, he says he’s gladly give up part of his intellect to get past his anxiety. Other things he’d give up: his virginity.

It’s time for our first competition. Here’s the way it works: the teams have to pick one person to answer a trivia question, before they know what the question is. If a team misses a question, they’re eliminated. The winning team gets the chance to reassign two other teams to their advantage, meaning they can disband a team they feel is too strong.

In Round One, Chris chooses to answer their question, and he guesses correctly. Everyone is shocked that Chris knows who Danielle Steele is, except Chris, of course, who’s long been a fan of Ms. Steele’s line of greeting cards. For example, here’s one meant for a cheating girlfriend. Outside: “I hope that you are satisfied.” Inside: “Because you have ruined my life, you filthy rich manipulative bitch.”

Jennipher can’t identify a picture of John Kerry, so she and Ankur are eliminated. Danielle can’t name two baseball teams from California, so she and Karl are gone. Somehow, Brandon knows that Aniston is the only Jennifer lucky enough not to have slept with Ben Affleck. So far. And thanks to the gossip rag Thais left lying in the bathroom, Tyson knows that Gwyneth’s baby is named Apple. Josh, meanwhile, can’t get Yves Saint Laurent, and Wes mistakes Kelly Clarkson for Jessica Jeffries. An honest mistake. Finally, Brittany can’t identify a picture of a Phillips head screwdriver. “There are different types of screwdrivers?” she asks, before guessing the one pictured is a “handheld” screwdriver.

At the start of Round Two, Amanda and Chris have a brief power struggle over who should answer the question. Chris says he has a “slightly higher percentage” of pop-culture knowledge, and insists he should answer it. Good thing, too, as he’s the only one in the room who can identify Sam Malone, Ted Danson’s character from Cheers. Which means that Chris is F’ed in the A, as he tells us, “now everyone sees me as a power player.”

Tyson thinks Gwen Stefani is actually Chloe Smith, and Brandon insists it was he, not K-Fed, who fathered Brit’s baby. When he’s unable to provide proof, Chris and Amanda are named the winners. This means they can break up any two teams they desire.

To figure out their next move, Chris decides he and Amanda should interrogate the group, to “find out who the most powerful players are.” Considering Chris has already identified himself as the “most cut guy” and the smartest pop-culture “power player”, I’m hoping he eliminates himself. Josh tells us to “pack our bags, because Chris is taking us on a power trip!” Of course, he could just be irritated because Chris said psychology, Josh’s major, was a “cake major.” Nah, Chris is just an asshole. He also rags on Sarah for only going to community college (“So, you haven’t gone to a university yet?”), and tells the group if they put him up for elimination, they’ll be sorry.

Chris and Amanda retire to their room for what Chris hopes is some hot monkey love, but when Amanda won’t peel his banana, he settles for a strategy session instead. Chris wants to team up the strongest and weakest players, to level the playing field. Amanda wonders what would happen if they do nothing. I wonder if the producers will give us one more gratuitous shot of Sarah’s boobs before the final credits roll.

Finally, the teams gather downstairs to hear Chris and Amanda’s decision. “The first team we’ve decided to switch…” says Chris, “Would be us,” finishes Amanda. And at that, this week’s episode ends.

So, what did you think of the tonight’s episode? Who will Amanda and Chris break up? Will Chris be this season’s pyscho? Which Woody Allen film is Josh’s favorite? Is Brandon a ringer? Are Sarah’s real?