All Treasure Trails Lead To Vegas

Since this is a couple days late, I’m going to dispense with the clever intro and get right to the recap. This week’s episode of Beauty and the Geek starts off with Cher and Josh returning from their victory over the evil Chris and his minion. Ever the optimist, Josh is expecting the other contestants to be glad to see them, but alas, they are not. The other players still seem to like Josh, but they’re really hating on Cher. As Jennipher says, they feel Cher is there for the wrong reasons. Later, Cher tells Josh it’s because of her winning streak that nobody was happy to see them. “It’s not you, it’s me,” she says. Yeah, I bet Josh has never heard a girl say that before.

Host Mike Richards calls everyone down to the library to discuss this week’s challenges. The theme this week is Parties and Numbers. The Geeks will learn to throw a party, while the Beauties will be working with numbers. He tells the Geeks that the number of people in attendance is what makes a great party. Which, of course, is an outright lie. Because there’s an AWESOME party going on in my pants right now, and I’m the only one here. Next, he tells the group they’re heading to the one place where parties and numbers collide: Math Camp! (This one time, at Math Camp, I stuck an algorithm up my girlfriend’s parabola. She had the best Pi…) Not really. They’re going to Vegas. Karl is “super duper excited” because he has a new outfit and a new haircut. “It’s going to be sweet,” he says. Amazingly, this is the only time tonight Karl doesn’t describe something as “awesome.”

At least she kept her pants on this time.

Of course, the bus is waiting outside, so that means everyone has to pack RIGHT NOW. This could be the Beauties’ toughest challenge yet. Danielle tells us she may have to bring one suitcase just for her shoes. Josh, of course, is not so excited. “I’m not really a Vegas person,” he says. “It wasn’t designed for people like me. It’s not exactly a geek heaven.” The rest of the Geeks, however, are pretty geeked. Especially Ankur, who’s been looking forward to an opportunity to wear his lavender prom jacket. Jennipher puts the kibosh on that. It’s just too bad (for her) she didn’t put the kibosh on his choice of undergarments.

On the bus ride to Vegas, Joe’s Geeks’ Intuition tells him the Beauties will probably be playing poker, so he uses the time to teach them the basics of the game. Out of nowhere, he yells, “Vegas baby!” right in Jennipher’s ear, who yells even louder at him not to do that. Come on kids, just because you’re on a bus doesn’t mean you still don’t use your inside voice. Once the bus makes it to Vegas, we get a lot of badly dubbed lines from the contestants talking about how great Vegas looks. So badly was this segment dubbed, in fact, it was like watching an Apprentice boardroom, except everyone’s hair was still better than The Donald’s.

During the first night, nobody wants to study. After a few cocktails, they decide to head up to the night club, where, as Joe says, they took over the dance floor. Not content with the dance floor, Joe took over the house band as well, sitting in on the drums for a few songs. He hopes that being onstage will make the other players see him in a different light. I don’t know if seeing him play the drums will change anything, but seeing him play the drums whilst his bitch-tits flopped around certainly had to raise a few eyebrows. At one point, both Cher and Sarah are grinding all over Josh. As he later tells us, “they say ‘what happens in Vegas stays in Vegas,’ but I want everyone out there to know that two attractive women were gyrating against me on the dance floor. I don’t want that staying in Vegas.” Things he does want to stay in Vegas: CSI Nick Stokes’ new hairdo.

Meanwhile, Wes and Cher are doing a little gyrating and grinding of their own. As Josh tells us, “I didn’t think it was possible for two people to get that close. They were like two amoebas they were so close.” Personally, I expected Josh to go with a “beast with two backs” reference, but whatever. Wes says if it weren’t for the show, he’d have never asked out someone like Cher. Because usually he tries to avoid hitting on women who flash their cooters on national TV. Later, they hook up in Cher’s room (screen grab here), so poor Josh had to sleep on the couch. Still, at least he’s not sleeping in the closet any longer, so it’s a positive step.

The next day, it’s time for the first challenge. Everyone meets Host Mike Richards at the poker table, with the Beauties sitting in front of their respective Geeks. Looks like Joe was right. Geeks’ Intuition rules! Host Mike Richards tells them they’re going to be playing strip poker, which totally freaks out Sarah, because she didn’t wear a bra today. (Since when did Sarah start wearing bras?) After Josh wakes up from fainting, Host Mike Richards tells them the Beauties will be playing with the Geeks’ clothing, which of course makes Josh faint again. The last team with a Geek wearing more than his underwear wins. Ankur has his own worries, as he tells us he’s a “briefs” guy. “So when I heard we’d be stripping down to our underwear, I knew that everyone would be getting more of a view than they expected.” Josh feels bad for the women, as he says his legs look like whitewashed toothpicks. With hair.

Surprisingly, Brittany plays really well. When it comes to poker, she’s a real idiot savant. Which is the probably the first time she’s been called an idiot in a good way. Of course, she still can’t talk. “One of the keys is a really well poker-face,” she tells us. Cher has a good poker face too, and uses it to bluff the rest of the girls. Danielle is the first to go out, and she’s not happy, saying “I wish Cher would just play fair. Why’d she have to bluff and be such a bitch about it?” Duh, it’s because that’s how you play the game. And because she’s a bitch. With his shirt off, Karl flexes and asks if there’s a zoo nearby, because there are a lot of pythons near the table. Ah, biceps humor. Later, Jennipher bets Ankur’s pants, and we’re treated to a nice dance as he strips down to his tighty-whities. Whether it’s the fact that someone still wears tighty-whities, or Ankur’s complete lack of any discernible bulge, even Host Mike Richards laughs at him. I think Jennipher is more embarrassed by Ankur’s skivvies than he is. Eventually, it’s down to just Cher and Brittany. Cher tries to bluff, but Brittany doesn’t fall for it, and she wins the challenge. That means she and Joe are safe from elimination this week.

G vs E

Once the game is over, Host Mike Richards tells the Geeks to get dressed so they can start their part of the challenge. He hands them each a stack of VIP party invitations, and tells them they need to go out into the casino and start inviting women to a party in their suite, which they’ll also be planning. The Geek who has the most women show up to their party wins. Ankur says he doesn’t care how old or ugly the women he invites are, if they have a vag, they’re getting an invite. Josh, of course, has a hard time getting anyone to even acknowledge his presence, let alone take an invitation. “Just pretend you don’t see me,” he tells nobody in particular. Ankur doesn’t seem to have any trouble inviting people. “Why are you inviting schmoes?” a couple of unattractive women ask him. “I’m not,” he says. “I’m only inviting the hottest people in the casino to my party.” And by hottest, of course, he means the vagiest. Since Joe is safe, he decides to help out Wes, the hope being Wes can beat Josh, so they can send him and Cher to elimination.

It’s party time! Danielle asks Karl what type of party is it going to be. “Awesome,” he tells her. Poor Karl. I hope his Dungeons & Dragons parties have a better turnout than this, because nobody shows up for the entire evening. Which is too bad, because Danielle was looking exceptionally hot. Josh and Cher, meanwhile, have people waiting outside their door when the party starts. Josh even turns out to be a pretty good schmoozer. He says it was easy, he just talked about whatever other people wanted to talk about. That kind of attitude isn’t going to get him anywhere. He even hits on one girl, who seemed excited to see him. “I’m a Woody Allen fan,” she says, “and you remind me of Woody Allen.” When he asks if they can hook up when they’re back in Los Angeles, she tells him “if it’s meant to be, we’ll meet again.” At least he tried.

Joe and Brittany are having a pretty bad party too, but since Joe didn’t really try to invite anyone, it’s to be expected. I think Brittany’s still excited about the spread Joe set up, though, as she tells us, “we had really good food. There were chicken fingers and some other stuff I can’t pronounce.”

Wes and Sarah’s party is pretty lame, which is somewhat unexpected, as Wes is the best looking Geek, and Joe was his wingman. When one of their four guests tries to explain to Sarah which Hawaiian island he’s from (the big one), she says she’s from Florida. And that was the highlight of their shindig.

It’s good to see Erik Estrada’s still getting some work.

Jennipher is impressed with Ankur’s party skills, if not his gender. “There was no burping, no passing gas… He was the perfect little hostess.” Ankur seems to have the best showing, even getting Ponch himself to stop by. He also wins the award for craziest guest, when some psycho Jersey chick (is that redundant?) shows up and starts complaining about the men in Vegas. “The men around here,” she says, “if they’re not a pimp, they’re a player. If they’re not a player, they’re a liar. If they’re not a liar, they’re an abuser…” Ankur finally cuts and runs when she tells him her boyfriend is waiting downstairs. “And he’s a complete thug!”

RUN AWAY! RUN AWAY!

Meanwhile, Danielle interrupts Karl’s game of solitaire to ask him what he said to people when he invited them to the party. “I told them it was going to be awesome,” he tells her. He figures everyone else is having just as bad a turnout as he is. Wrong, grasshopper.

The Geeks excuse themselves from their respective soirees to meet Host Mike Richards downstairs for the results. Asked how his party is going, Karl tells everyone “Awesome!” Evidently, not so awesome, as Host Mike Richards says Karl is in last place with no guests. In first place? Josh, with 14 women! Josh is so excited to have finally won a challenge. Karl says he’s happy for Josh, but upset that Cher is safe once again. Later, when Josh asks Cher who she thought won, of course she guesses Wes, because she just boinked him the night before. And she’d never boink a loser. Wrong! It’s the Joshinator! Finally, The Josh has proved his worthiness to the team.

Back at the house, the plotting begins. Josh wants to get rid of Wes, which I think is a huge mistake. If he keeps Wes around, and Wes keeps doing Cher, there’s no way Wes will nominate she and Josh. Jennipher is worried that she and Ankur will be nominated, because Cher doesn’t want Wes sent because she has a crush on him. “Or visa verse,” she says. “I mean, visa versa, vice verse…”

In the end, Brittany and Joe nominate Jennipher and Ankur, while Josh and Cher nominate Karl and Danielle. Which means either Josh wised up, or Cher’s still wearing the pants in that relationship. No underwear, of course, but still…

(Before we get to the Elimination round, WB2 in Denver shows a commercial for their nightly newscast. And they use Ladytron’s Destroy Everything You Touch as the background music. WB2 inadvertently kicks ass!)

The Beauties are tested first. They’ll be asked questions about gambling. Have you ever noticed how Host Mike Richards always looks surprised when any of the contestants gives the right answer? It’s kind of funny, in a patronizing sort of way. Jennipher gets her first two questions right, while Danielle misses her first two, including what two numbers an Ace can represent in Blackjack. She guesses a two and a king. Ah well, at least she’s still hot. Next up, Jennipher is asked which fraction has the best odds. Since we know Jennipher gave up on fractions back in the fourth grade, it’s not surprising she misses this one. Danielle also misses her third question. Time for the Geeks. Ankur correctly guesses what the French abbreviation RSVP stands for, but misses how many drinks should be allocated per person for the first two hours of a party. Host Mike Richards says the answer is two. What?! I bet even Karl’s D&D parties have more alcohol than that. Speaking of Karl, he knows what a rave is, and who SeanDiddyDaddyCombs is, but when Ankur knows the definition of an open bar, it’s too little, too late for our favorite Dungeon Master. Jennipher and Ankur win.

BEAK! BEAK! BEAK!

We get a final sad little montage of Karl and Danielle’s time in the house together, culminated by the most awkward exit interview of the season. These two were sitting so far apart I’m surprised they didn’t have to letterbox the scene just to get them in-screen together. Karl tells us he can talk to any girl he has a crush on now, but he’s still the same old Karl. “I’m still going to play Dungeons & Dragons with my buddies,” he says, “but we’re going to move it from Friday nights, maybe to Wednesday.” I hope Karl has TiVo, because Lost is on Wednesday, and you just know he’s a Lost geek on the magnitude of our very own EdHill.

So what did you think of this week’s episode? Is Cher really as bad as the editors are making her out to be? Is Josh really as cool?