Beauty and the Geek: Arachnaphobic Says What?

Tonight on Beauty and the Geek, we learned absolutely nothing we didn’t already know or could have inferred from past episodes: Sam is a dominator (and the recipient of some gender bias in his favor), Jasmine is afraid of bugs, and William and Jen want nothing more than to have a go at each other’s jugulars (which usually means that underneath, they really just want to have sex. But I’m pretty sure they just want to sever some necessary arteries).

We kick off the episode back in America, safe in the mansion. All of the teams wake up beside each other. Wait, what?? Was I the only one who didn’t know that they sleep together whether or not they’re… you know… sleeping together?

Where have I been?

Way to join the party nine episodes late, O. Snapp. Jen and William disdainfully watch each other get ready for the day, brush their teeth, etc. with “I would love to watch you die a slow, excruciating death” looks on their faces. William unenthusiastically tells us that, you know, “there’s still that monetary prize” to be won, so what the hell, maybe he’ll try to win. You’re earning your Loser title more and more every day, Ringo. Elsewhere in the manse, Joshua roots around in his suitcase for some unknown object (double dildo?) while Chez plays with her nails and muses on their achievements thus far. “Do you agree?” she challenges. “I agree,” he replies. “Good,” she finishes, and here is where I start to see the Jewish IT-guy and trophy wife in them. They’re adorable.

“Now, where did I put that cock ring?”

As the remaining teams assemble in the study, Jen bravely tells the group that she works better under pressure and is willing to work hard to help her team accomplish their goals. Supportive William gives her a pat on the back and shouts, “We’re gonna win!” No, just kidding, he just shakes his head and silently laughs at her during her little speech.

“Heheh… loser…”

Handsome Host announces that the beautes will be studying zoology, herpetology, mammology, and entymology. Blank stares all around. Well, kids, I’ll tell ya, I did not have a blank stare. O. Snapp’s dad is a wildlife biologist. I’ve met scientists of all of the above disciplines, and been to their houses, and believe you me, a herpetologist’s home does NOT smell like potpourri. No sir, it smells like an orgy of gila monsters just shat on the moltings of one hundred snakes and lizards. Good luck, girls (and gent).

The geeks, on the other hand, get to study mixology, which, for those of you not familiar with the term, is the study of mixing. (It’s pretty scientific. Don’t sweat it.) So basically the geeks have to do their best impression of Tom Cruise in “Cocktail.” Ahh, the days of Tom Cruise before Scientology. So cute.

Aw, what ever happened to you, Little Lamb?

This really draws the ire of Sam, who “belongs behind the bar.” Yeah, moron. It’s not supposed to be easy. That’s why you’re not doing it. That’s also why you’re not doing a challenge that tests your tequila tolerance or knowledge of genital herpes. But yes, this mixology trend is gaining a lot of momentum since they applied a technical name to it. I’ve seen the contests on Food Network, and usually the bartenders are smarmy-looking greaseballs with spiky hair (or a curly mullet), one or more earrings, and names like “Julio.”

Yep, looks about right

Julio here tells us that in no time, they’ll be tossing around bottles. I have no doubt about that. My doubt lies in whether they’ll be catching those bottles. As you may remember, one of the things that classifies William as a nerd is the fact that he’s a master juggler. Naturally, he uses his skillz to try to become the teacher’s pet.

Go Whitey

If he wins this fucking challenge with that douche look on his face I will puke all over my TV. Meanwhile, the girls (and girlie-man) are studying animals and their Latin names. Jasmine just hopes that their challenge won’t have to do with bugs. Therefore, it will have to do with bugs. Chez agrees, then reminisces about this one time when she was bit by a spider, telling the tale with that Fiesty Black Girl “Mm-Mmm, mm-mm…” With Head Shake, as though she’s Rosa Parks recalling that one time on the bus, as though it’s almost too horrible of a memory for words. I can’t wait to see her interact with a spider in fifteen to twenty minutes.

“Oh HELL to the no.”

While inside, Sam repeats over and over the definition for “ostrich,” Jasmine already starts freaking out over a bee that has mistakenly wandered onto the terrace. Chez informs her that it must be a grasshopper, but Jasmine gets so worked up about it that it freaks out Chez, and they both scream and look to the producers off-camera for help (who probably just smiled). Then they literally run inside screaming (and I mean literally as in “literally,” not as in “Heidi Montag literally”, which actually means “figuratively” or “metaphorically” or basically anything except literally).

“Help?”

Inside, Jen tries to explain what she’s learned so far, which from what I gather is about mammals, then finishes her sentence with, “… so I’m screwed.” She wanders off dejectedly and William just watches her walk away, shaking his head and demeaning her self-confidence instead of HELPING HER FOR CHRIST’S SAKE. You are the geek, buddy. Your whole role here is to help her, and then she will help you. Not make stupid jerk remarks about her after she leaves the room. I think this is what happens with every reality show – you start off the season hating one obvious villain (Sam) and then end up hating someone you never thought could be such an asshole (William. Duh). Nicole picks up on this and gently confronts him on it, showing him with his own words that he thinks of her as being on a lower level and yes, he’s treating her that way.

There’s a glimmer of contempt in those beautiful blues.

The beautes arrive at the Bronson Canyon Caves and somehow Chez has it in her head that she might get to ride an ostrich. No such luck, cutie. You’re gonna have to not only touch, but handle bugs. And not only handle bugs, but overcome your paranoia long enough to correctly identify which Latin name each critter has, one of them being reality show classic bug the Madagascar Hissing Cockroach. Jade on ANTM kissed one, some dude named Josh on “Fear Factor” laid in a coffin with a million of them, and they’ve got ‘em here. It’s the go-to creepy bug. Right about now I think that a comment left a few posts ago by a ‘Gasmii named fire@will regarding the gender-bias on this show is right on the money. I mean, I didn’t want to believe it, but it’s true. The producers have to realize that in our society (I hate using that phrase, I feel so fucking self-righteous), boys are taught to play with bugs and root around in dirt, and girls are decidedly… not. Nope, we’re supposed to be afraid of insects and if we find one, promptly get a man to come smash it with his boot. So, knowing how stereotypical their entire cast is. they have to know that Sam is gonna rock this and every girl will squeal and whine. And whine they do, all three of them reduced to pathetic girlie-girls babbling about needing some “gear” to handle all of this. Sam looks unfazed, and the worst complaint he can conjure is that one of the bugs looks like a booger. In which case, he should have no trouble handling it.

Ladies and Gentlemen, the male and female of the species.

Indeed, Sam confidently picks up his first creature (and it WAS the one he likened to a booger) and carries it to the terraria, though he’s less confident in his Latin skills. On the other end of the spectrum, this challenge has transformed three hot, self-assured ladies into weeping, sniveling, squirming messes who can barely let the snot run down their faces without it freaking them out. Oh sure, a lot of screaming and sudden movements will make the pests less afraid of YOU, and much less likely to attack you. Naturally. Good plan. Well, at least Chez gets through it all. I definitely don’t blame her for freaking out about the spider – that thing crawled up and down her arm, then actually leapt off of her and made a beeline for the highway. Chez picks it back up though, and successfully delivers it to a terrarium (hopefully the right one).

After a series of attempts in which she sticks her hand in a cage and then frightfully yanks it out before grabbing anything, Jasmine finally picks up the animal that looks most like her – the toad. Yay, now she’s on a roll! Go, Jas! You know, all of these bugs are probably lounging around in their cages, all, “Ewwww! Gigantic, aesthetically symmetrical, screaming monsters are trying to grab at us! Disgusting!!” All this while Chez complains that the snake could probably eat her. Yes, Chez. It will eat you whole. Alive. You will see the inside of the snake’s belly while you die a slow death. In what, a snake the size of their mansion???? Please.

Maybe she’ll finally find her prince.

After ten full minutes, Jasmine has only delivered three creatures. Actually, for as afraid as she was, that’s better than I thought she would do. Both Sam and Chez have put all seven in terraria, and Jen got 4. Jasmine wasn’t right about any of their names, Chez and Jen both only got one right, and Sam accurately put 5 out of 7 animals in their proper cages. I tells ya, Sam has a goddamn monopoly on the beauty challenges. I can’t think of even one that he didn’t win. Okay, I guess there was that one teaching challenge, but that’s seriously the only one I can remember that he didn’t win. I call shenanigans on that.

Back home, the beauties recount their day-o-fun to their partners, and later Jasmine and Dave have a heart-to-heart in the kitchen. Jasmine confides that she feels disappointed in herself, but Dave says even three animals was a huge step for her. I hear violins being piped in from somewhere. To make her feel better, Dave not only listens intently, but also makes brownies for Jas. What a sweetheart.

“There better be some pot in there.”

Did you guys know Chez is a bartender? Therefore, she has all of the knowledge necessary to help Josh kick this competition’s ass. (Actually, I wouldn’t be very surprised if all of the beauties worked as bartenders, but that’s neither here nor there.) Chez prepares Josh by applying both hairspray and sunless tanner to Josh’s pasty virgin visage, and Josh muses that he thinks everyone thinks of them as an old married couple. Yes! That’s exactly what I just said, fourteen paragraphs ago! In another room Jen tells William that he should wear cutoffs or something. First of all, that’s just wrong. Second of all, Will says sardonically, “Now, why would I even own cutoffs?” as though she had just suggested he wear his spacesuit. Later, he practices his bottle-flipping technique all over the premises and brags that no one has any competition on him right now. Cut to William dropping every object he touches. Nice one, editors. His cockiness is getting on everyone’s nerves, including Sam’s.

“Dude… you’re kind of a douche.”

In the house, Jasmine dresses Dave up in a suit with bow-tie and I can’t help but giggle at the sight of Nicole twirling bottles around in the background of this shot.

What a cutie. At the challenge, Josh is up first wearing a black t-shirt and gold chain. Nice styling, thanks Chez. Although incredibly endearing, Joshua is not technically competent in mixology, and more liquid involved in his pina colada ends up on the floor (or on his shirt or in his hair) than in the glass.

Next up is Nicole. Dear readers, I cannot describe to you the extent of my affection for this girl. It is matched only by my pity for her innate dorkiness. First of all, she’s wearing a pink cow-patterned “Blossom” hat. What the hell, Sam? You couldn’t throw a goddamn gold chain on her?? Second of all, when she shimmies and shakes while shakin’ her martinis, I feel like I’m watching my grandma get down at a rave, circa 1994. Thirdly, as if all of that weren’t bad enough, she feels compelled not only to have music at her “bar,” but she MAKES the music. She “doo-doo-do-do”s her way through a techno song (I believe it’s “Y’all Ready For This”) whilst spinning her bottles and I just don’t know whether to laugh, cry, or yank that fucking hat off of her adorable head.

Well, at least she shaves her pits.

William enters with the confidence of a dragon and wearing an outfit that makes him look like a small-circuit poker player. Shoulda gone with the cutoffs, Bucko. Listen to your busty friend next time. Anyway, he drops at least seven bottles and makes such a mess out of his cocktails that, at one point, he inspires everyone to flee the table.

Nice Tom Cruise impression. Spot-on.

Last but not least is Dave, who is still a complete nerd, but cracks more than a few hilarious jokes and works his mistakes into the routine. I gained so much affection for Dave during this challenge that I actually wanted him to win. In fact, I sat in front of my TV chanting Dave’s name and making the sign of the cross over and over. I mean, you know, in my mind, anyway.

But win he did. YES! Chez/Josh and Jen/William will be facing off. While they prepare, Chez and Joshua share a tender moment in the bedroom and he tells her how much she’s meant to him. Cut to Chez crying in the confession room. I call an elimination right here. No one cries about how much anybody has changed them before they’ve been eliminated. Just doesn’t happen.

Sayonara.

Ah, we’re back to regular eliminations, no more “Survivor”-style ejections. This is one thing I really like about this show: it’s hard to fake an elimination. Other shows can let the producers influence the judging, but it’s hard to fake getting two out of three answers wrong. Actually, I’m sure there’s a way, but at least it’s a lot less transparent this way. We all know that Jade was kept on “America’s Next Top Model” so long because she was a villain, not because she was hot. Because she definitely was NOT hot. She looked like a 30-year-old who had been smoking since she was four.

Anyway. The beauties are up first. Jen gets an answer right. Chez gets one right (one that I would surely have lost – what the hell is a shingle-back skink?). Jen is asked what one would call an animal that is horny, cold-blooded, and covered in scales. I immediately yell out, “WILLIAM!” Okay, that was kind of mean. I know he’s just a dork, but he’s seriously a douche! If he were slightly better looking and had no speech impediment he’d just be called Asshole and we’d be done with it. Back to the quiz. Both girls get another one right. Well done, ladies! It’s an all-season high score for the both of y’all! The fellas come in and answer questions about alcohol consumption. Come on, Josh, pull this one out. Do it for the Gipper. Unfortunately, he gets the name of a drinking game wrong, while William correctly calculates a LiLo alcohol math problem, and it’s all over.

Fuck! Every single week, the team I want to win goes home. I’m beginning to think my viewing is a curse on some of these teams. I really liked Chez and Joshua. They were both so sweet to each other, and willing to get out of their comfort zones. I thought they might take the whole thing, but no. They were beat by a team that doesn’t even want to be there anymore. Motherfuckers. Their exit interview is so affectionate, endearing, and playful that it almost makes me cry. Almost.