Beauty and the Geek: Balls, Boobs, and Bone Breaks

Previously on Beauty and the Geek the girls try to decide who they should sacrifice.

…a virgin? Good luck.

Everyone awaits the return of the prodigal whores. One by one the ladies enter and when Tom doesn’t see his Cocoa Goddess stride through that door he is heartbroken, but confident that he will be dating Amber after the show is over. Leticia is thrilled that Amber didn’t come back since Amber previously threatened her and Leticia fears she would get slashed with a box cutter or have a cap popped in her ass.

“But what will happen to our two-person Hair revival?”

Our intrepid host calls everyone to the living room to tell them that it is time for one player from each team to go to the opposite team simply because the producers had no better ideas this week. Every guy clamors to be the one red rovered over while every lady begs that she doesn’t have to go. Jillian loses the coin toss, by calling “yellow” so she is relegated to the world of the geek, AKA World of Warcraft. Chris had the deepest belly button so he is allowed to join the ladies for their pillow fights and nightly panty swaps.

“Join the ladies? Do you mean we’re going to make one giant, super-lady?”

Each team is informed that the twist this week will be immediate elimination of the geek or beauty who went to the opposing team to punish them for being a trader to their lot in life. To even the playing field, the competition this week will involve sports which have never been the home field of either the genus Geekus Dorkoramus or the Beautius Anorexia. Joe confesses that he would hate for Chris to leave the house since he’s the only one that knows Kirk’s true middle name, but every war has casualties and Chris is an acceptable loss just like cell-phone privacy and the rite to a fair vote.

Some of the players can ping-pong back and forth between teams easier than the others.

Neither team is told what sport they will be playing so everyone adjourns to the back yard to practice every possible sport, a game the geeks name footsocceboxbasetennis. Tara has a difficult time with the training since her two biggest fears in life are getting dirty and not being allowed to wear heals.

“This is actually easy. I just pretend it’s a Bloomingdale’s sales clerk.”

The next day both teams are brought to the Beauty and the Geek Verizon Costco Stupid Flanders Caffegymatorium and informed that the true sport they will flag football. Randi is immediately terrified of breaking a bone but it shouldn’t be a real problem for a girl with such obviously “big bones.” Joe is thrilled since he watched the Aggie number in The Best Little Whorehouse in Texas 23 times. Chris assumes the role as team captain since he’s the boy and puts his wildcats into a frenzied rage of raw adrenaline and foundation, each one hellbent on winning.

………Nothing. Somebody already told her twice.

When the game begins Randi catches the first punt and runs a full zone halfback Nelson inning race to the……the……yea I’m gay I have no idea what I’m watching. I can tell you that the alleged “flag football” game gets violent pretty quickly with Tom tackling Chris and someone elbowing Randi in the lip. To be fair, it was a craft service worker who busted Randi in her grill and honestly the bitch had it comin’.

“Ewww. That girl’s grill was already busted.”

Greg is thrilled when he catches the football ball as this is the first time he, or any other gaysian, has been an asset to a sports team other than relieving the closeted player’s frustrations post-game. Joe is frustrated with his team since he is using technical-speak with his team when none of them understand a word he is saying. Joe’s competitive spirit comes out when he tackles Randi during a play causing Randi to scream “hail nah” and warn him that she will kill him if he ever touches her again which I’m sure she has never had to tell a man in the past.

Seriously, this is the best she could ever hope for.

After the first inning/quarter/halftime (gay, remember) the ladies are in the lead. During an intense play Cara gets molested by one of the guys on the opposing team but she needs to realize that that kind of thing happens to Tom Brady almost every game. As the game goes on it gets exceedingly violent as the ladies trounce the geeks with Tom being only asset. During one play Tiffany sees Matt flying by with the ball and takes the opportunity to take him out, in turn dislocating his shoulder.

I don’t think that’s a real job.

With the ladies leading 18-6, and Matt out of the game, the geeks and Jillian are revived with a desire to win for Matt’s bony shoulder. Tom takes the opportunity to make one touchdown, bringing his team close to winning, before Chris lays the smack down and runs the football ball down for a home run strike touchdown field advantage birdie. Whatever it may be called, it makes his team win and sadly sends Jillian back to the Revlon counter to look down on ladies with large pores.

Later that evening Matt returns from the emergency room to find Leticia waiting dutifully on the stairs for his return. Tiffany weeps copiously and apologizes hoping to avoid a lawsuit. Matt hopes that his injury will win him some sympathy votes but if the Harry Cary glasses and back brace that he wore until he 18 didn’t get him sympathy, nothing will.

“Today..day…day, I am the luckiest man in the world…world….world.”

They guys later take to the stairs with the ladies in power as if we live in some bizarre parallel universe where up is down and back is front. It’s madness! Before the ladies can give their nominations, all of the contestants are informed that the game is changing and will now go back to its origin where one beauty is paired up with one geek in super couple like Tom and Katie, only more beautiful and less geeky. The ladies will be able to choose their partner but since there are more geeks than beauties, just like the real world, one of the guys will be going home.

“I don’t want to go home. It smells like dead skin and desperation there.”

The ladies are sent back to the bedroom to deliberate as to which geek each of them will be saddled with. Of course there are tears and recriminations as nothing can be decided among chicks without ‘em. Am I right? Gimme five! What no one? Alright then.

Honey, we’ve told you: Naked in the shower, clothed in the confessional.

When the ladies come back down each lady take their turn choosing who will be their new partner and once all of the ladies choose their man, or very close facsimile, there are two geeks waiting to be chosen, Joe and Jonathan. The producers are trying to conjure up a little suspense in this season so unfortunately we get a “to be continued” leaving us waiting with baited breath as to which geek will win. Will it be the bearded D&D fanatic Jonathan, or the star-spangled cowboy Joe? Everyone knows that an uneducated, backwater, redneck Texas-born blowhard can’t get a break in this country.