Beauty and the Geek: The Laws of Boners and Eggs

To many, deciding “Of these two geeks, which one would I rather live with?” is sort of like having to decide between eating shit or going to Wendy’s for lunch. For “Beauty” Tara, it’s like deciding which parent you have to kill in order to survive in a bomb shelter without any food. This is Beauty and the Geek, and quite possibly the craziest hour in television since the Frost/Nixon interview. CW, anyone?

Tonight’s tale is one of epic proportions as it immediately escalates into last week’s suspense driven by Tara’s tough decision pickle: Will her partner in this next BATG chapter be Joe the Cowboy or Jonathan the Mamma’s Boy!?

Turn down the lights, cue the music: Jonathan, your journey ends here.

Now that everyone’s all partnered up, the Beauties have taken it upon themselves to turn their Geeks into dolls of social experimentation; the Geeks were trained to 1. not sleep in their day clothes 2. understand the function of hair conditioner and 3. realize that their hygiene grade of yesteryear equals that of Paris Hilton’s diaphragm.

It reminded me of the time my sister got New Kids on the Block dolls and tried to make Danny Wood look attractive. It took too long — mission aborted!

Host Mike tells the gang in their next meeting that the challenge this week will be the presentation of a science fair: Geeks will study the laws of attraction and romance to help call-in advice on a radio talkshow, and the Beauties will present research on a bunch of subjects that end in -ology. HA-HA, BECAUSE THEY ARE OPPOSITES!!! GET IT!?!?!?

And there will be a cameo!

It will actually be Dr. Drew, because god knows we haven’t seen enough of him on television.

The rules of Geek/Beauty partnership are retained from seasons past: There will be 2 challenge winners who will pick 2 couples for elimination nomination. Proclamation!

Clearly, the Beauties and Geeks are terrified. How will the dudes deal with studying boners during a slow dance? How will the girls ever pick up a book if they can’t read? That, my friends, is what we in the TV biz call HILARITY.

Sure, elementary-level science is hard, but that’s only when you’re in elementary school. In the studying process, it’s evident that the Beauties thought “plate tectonics” was synonymous to “expensive China.”

The same goes for the guys — OH, ASHTON! The Geeks aren’t familiar with the term “sexually active” only because they associate “active” to their World of Warcraft status. Not that I would know or anything. One geek even shouted “ear muffs!” That isn’t a joke.

The Geeks are in no way prepared to give intimacy advice on-air, so the Beauties are concerned. But not concerned enough to give them a watermelon demo so that they actually know what fingering someone might feel like. Loyalty, my ass.

So no one’s prepared; the geeks are uncomfortable with giving romance anecdotes and the girls are scared of …facts? Or something?

UCLA physics professors Dr. Whowhatnow and Dr. Smartasfuck dropped in the Beauties’ science fair to judge which presentation will prove the least embarrassing.

Beauty Challenge Rundown –

What genius have the Beauties put together in 24 hours?

Kristina, while presenting the process of a volcano eruption: “Like this volcano, we were under lots of pressure to put this volcano together! Once I put in this liquid, this will erupt!”

Tara, on energy conservation: “…75 times 4 equals 390.”

Amanda, demonstrating plate tectonics:

Diva Randi, on another stupid fucking volcano: “I wore a Hawaiian-y dress to be the backdrop.”

Leticia, on mobile solar energy: “I think the first vehicle was a 4-wheeled motorcycle.“

Dear America,
Despite your suicide, the world will mourn.

Squeaky Cara, demonstrating the layers of the earth by means of a hard-boiled egg: “The oke,” — she meant to say yolk – “…is the center of the earth.”

Dear America,
We take that back.

I left out the part where she gave a well defined description of a seismograph, but that would only redeem her, and redemption on TVGasm isn’t fun, so pretend Cara’s momentary brilliance never happened.

Tiffany, on physics: Spared. Jim, her partner, is the type of geek asshole that likes to belittle others for not being versed on every fucking detail of the universe, and he had some pithy remark about her forgetting about kinetic energy. Dick.

After much deliberation (and by much I mean zero), the UCLA docs gave 1st prize to Cara.

Cara, on her win: “Now… I kinda like earthquakes.”

WHAT. THE. FUCK!?

In the next challenge, the Geeks went one-by-one into Dr. Drew’s radio studio to give relationship advice to live call-ins; they’d be judged by Dr. Drew.

Geek Challenge Rundown –

Cokebottle Matt, on a caller in a new relationship, who says the sex now isn’t as good as that her last relationship: “You needa laugh more in your relationship. Laughter is vital.” Huh?

Asshole Jim, on a caller whose best friend’s girlfriend hit on him — wants advice on what to do because she’s really hot: “It’s one thing to think about it, but it’s another thing to do it.” How sexily ambiguous!

Gaysian, on a caller who doesn’t know what to wear on the night of her deflowering: “Thongs are HOT. But don’t think about it. Just be there.” I’d have to agree.

Buff Jason, on a caller who doesn’t know what to do after her boyfriend cheated on her with her best friend: “Cheating is wrong.” Really? Please, tell me more about this.

MIT Chris, on a caller who has never dated before because she’s shy — seeks advice on how to be asked out: “Avoid that scenario and try being close to someone first as friends.” Dumbass.

Sweatervest, on a caller who wants advice on sex for the first time in her new relationship: “Make sure you’re comfortable emotionally. And you must both be 18 years or older.” LMFAO!

Cowboy Joe, on a caller who got caught by his parents doing the nasty with his girlfriend: “Blah blah blah blah blah.” The guy seriously talked for a good 5 minutes about conquering love and male domination and even managed to fit the word YouTube in his lecture. Ridiculous. Tara is LIVID — she’s confident she and Joe totally lost.

Dr. Drew chose Sweatervest because he was sweet, inviting, and applied age-of-consent humor. Audience, it was funy ha-ha, not funny ha-ha.

Back at the Beauty/Geek HQ, Jim asked his partner Tiffany to kiss him.

Her response: “…Why?”

“I’ll have to think about it.”

Yeah, like when one thinks about running for President.

Man, this house is more awkward than an episode of John from Cincinnati.

At the stair ceremo– no, The Stairemony:

Cara sends Cokebottle Matt & Leticia to nomination, and Sweatervest sends Asshole Jim and Tiffany to the chopping block.

Cokebottle tells Leticia to open a note he hands her in case they lose. $10 says it’s a love letter written in binary.

Asshole Jim and Tiffany are bummed — but they look menacingly tenacious to do whatever it takes to win. And for Jim, that would even mean a shower.

Later, Asshole Jim threatened Sweatervest with tit-for-tat cowardice — if he comes back, Asshole Jim promises to nominate Sweatervest. “Nothing personal.” Ouch!

At the Questions Face-Off:

At a 2-2 sudden death question, the Beauties got the final hit: Leticia won it for her and Cokebottle. Asshole Jim and Tiffany are OUT.

At their exit, Tiffany claims her life changed because of her new association to geeks, blah blah blah, “I’m not a shallow bitch anymore”, etc. etc. Jim: “I opened up, blah blah, I’m confident! I’m a better person!”

See you next week, when another slut finds her way to some degree of humility, and another dork realizes that a credit card isn’t always necessary to ever talk to a girl. HugoStop out!