Last week’s Jenny Jones-esque makeover episode made for some great TV, but the CW brought us back to boring ol’ competition grounds near the end, leaving us at a cliffhanger where the 4 remaining Dorks and Bitches had to choose who to send to the ominously named “ELIMINATION ROOM.” Sending Cowboy Joe and his ho to the chopping block this week seemed long overdue, and sort of compensated this season’s lost momentum, but this week (thanks to drama, dracula, fire, AND GHOSTS) things pick up to Michael Bay-grade epicness!
“Is that a mold in your pocket or are you ha– …oh it is? Awesome.”
For whatever fucked up reason, the BATG mansion is old and, apparently, very haunted. Tara feels especially vulnerable anytime she sees lights flicker, or doors open, and fails to realize that poor cabling and wind are factors in such phenomena.
The Dorks and the other Bitches exploit Tara’s fears by pulling a joke that could have been fucking A-MAZING. Plan: Dress up Sweatervest as Dracula and share the living shit and bile out of Tara.
Conservative Bush-blowjob Cowboy Joe contests because that’s his girl, and because he thinks jokes should only result in someone typing “lol.” Lol!
Cowboy Joe even goes as far as KICKING EVERYONE OUT. I KNOW!!! His total dick move didn’t faze anyone, so they all went along with it before shit got ugly between Joe — who just wants to finger Tara — and the other Bitches.
“This is not ‘LOL’-worthy.”
Navy Diva didn’t skip a beat in calling Joe out on having a massive boner-crush on Tara, and told him to STFU and stop acting like he’s “her man.” If you saw this and didn’t cry from laughter, then I doubt a soul exists beneath your skin.
Cowboy Joe cracked.
He hocked a loogie (interesting — I’ve never typed that before) on NAVY DIVA — AND FAILED TO AIM EFFECTIVELY. And you know Navy Diva don’t take sass from anyone ‘cept her mama. Shit got so ugly, it made a taping of Maury seem like a Sotheby’s auction.
That looks like Bigfoot footage. Anyway.
So all this madness is going on, and the house decides to have this discussion that looks like the fucking Nuremberg trials, and it’s decided that Navy Diva was wrong in persistently bugging the shit out of Joe, and that Joe was wrong for being stupid and childish enough to SPIT at someone.
12 Angry Men is on again? Ugh.
Then Joe cries after realizing how big he totally fucked up.
WAAAHHHH I’M BRIILLIANNT WAHHHHHH I HAVE A SUPERIORITY COMPLEX WAHHHHHHH!!!!
Dork. If he keeps up, the cross hairs ain’t going to move.
At the Challenge Announcement…
Host sets aside the drama and acknowledges Joe and his Ho are on the block — BUT rules are changing!
If Joe OR Tara win a challenge — they are taken OUT of the elimination room!
At the Dorks’ challenge…
The Dorks will play firefighter in a live, burning building: Put the suit on, plug in the water hose, extinguish live flames, and TELL YOUR BEAUTY TO JUMP 2 STORIES OUT THE BURNING BUILDING ON A HUGE SAFETY MATTRESS. Fastest time wins.
Cokebottle fucked up his knee at the football game 3 weeks ago, and Leticia will replace him at the challenge. She’s got double duty AND has to sleep with a geek? Jesus christ, if that doesn’t merit a default win for the grand prize, I don’t know what does.
Everyone was scared shitless, except Leticia. The geeks were quite afraid a woman would beat them at such a macho man challenge.
Joe was up first, and did the task in a little over 4 minutes. He was, in fact, desperate.
Like that movie Backdraft, except good.
Gaysian did satisfactory; he doesn’t fare well with large objects. Joe’s still in the lead!
…that’s what she said THANK YOU, THANK YOU, THANK YOU *bow*
Next up is Jason. He took about 9 eternities to put on his outfit. Needless to say, he totally bombed the task. Joe still in the lead! Could he and Tara actually be saved from elimination!?
Leticia came next, and she was fired up. HAHA, GET IT?!?! FIRED — UP!!!
Leticia was more “smoked out of the competition.”
Then Chris came and totally beat EVERYONE’s time, including Joe’s — which means Joe’s ho, Tara, needs to win the next challenge to take their team out of elimination!
Sweatervest mentioned a fear of falling and heights, so, obviously, he acted like this was his final living day, and that his partner was actually doing to die, and for this, he actually WON. Not even he could believe it.
At the Bitches’ study session…
Once, twice, 11 times a lady.
At the Bitches’ Challenge…
In a heaping pile of public waste, the Bitches have to collect EXACTLY $5 in recyclable glass, aluminum, and plastic cans/bottles — no more, no less.
The Bitches didn’t like this challenge because it dealt with trash and grossness, but, for some of them, it turned into an opportunity for self-discovery.
“I FOUND MY DIGNITY! OH MY FUCKING GOD I ACTUALLY FOUND MY FUCKING DIGNITY!!!!!”
Kristina was the first to figure out how to add faster than the other girls. Tara and Joe are NOT safe from the elimination room.
At the Stairemony…
The Challenge winners decided that, going up against Joe and Tara at the elimination room, would be Gaysian and Navy Diva.
Reason? A weak one: According to Sweatervest, Gaysian and Navy Diva have yet to exhibit worthiness in competition. Don’t make Gaysian cry!!!
Don’t let the sunnnnn, go down on mehhhhhh…
At the Elimination Room…
Foreman VS Ali
Lakers VS Celtics
Kelly Kapowski VS Jessie Spano
… JOE/TARA VS GAYSIAN/NAVY DIVA
Joe actually alluded this competition to the battle of Versaille.
Anyway, Tara and Joe won.
Faces of victory.
Joe redeemed himself by apologizing to Navy Diva for his ridiculous behavior; Navy Diva denied it, probably out of poor-sportsmanship spite, and made her Beauty and the Geek exit a sour one. Gaysian, America misses you!