Beauty and the Geek: Cabin Fever (Now With Deflowerings and Snowballing!)

To many Californians, a trip to Big Bear is either 1. mandatory by order of parents or 2. mandatory by order of school field trip. But not for the Dorks and the Bitches; in fact, for them, having the CW send them off to Big Bear is like witnessing the reformation of The Beatles, or seeing God, or tripping out on some gooey Jenkem. Elation aside, one can only wonder WHO WILL DIE UNDER AN AVALANCHE? WHAT WILL HAPPEN IN AN EPISODE WHEN FACTORING IN VERY COLD WEATHER CONDITIONS?! WHERE AM I GOING TO FIT IN THE WORD “SNOWBALLING” IN A SEXUAL CONTEXT IN THIS ENTIRE RECAP!?!!?!?!?

“…It’s like a vacation!” says Leticia.

Yes. Yes, it is.

After finding out that their next adventures will include a couple days in Big Bear Lake, the Dorks and the Bitches headed to the kitchen to eat a cake that just-eliminated Gaysian had baked earlier in the day; it was a moment that could only be described as “inappropriately morose” seeing that their cake worship was along the lines of mourning Gaysian’s death. Bizarre, and truly a milestone in awkward time-filling.

In classic Cowboy Joe fashion, Cowboy Joe gave a eyelids-half-open reflection on the elimination of Gaysian. While the rest of the gang were silently hurling, CJ was completely oblivious to their disinterest. Camaraderie, party of 1!

Sweatervest alluded everyone eating Gaysian’s cake to taking in the body of Christ. That isn’t a joke. In fact, it’s quite accurate.

Before they left, the Dorks and the Bitches agreed that this trip to Big Bear would put all drama behind, and that they would all now be one big happy fucking family. All I was thinking was, “Wow, this looks like that Saved by the Bell movie where they all go to Vegas for that one wedding.”

Upon arrival, the Dorks and the Bitches are seemingly impressed, especially with all the cabin perks that have convinced them they are, in fact, living in heaven.

Cara and Chris, though, well, they’re on the rocks: in the final stretch of this game, they’re not communicating and it’s bugging the living shit out of Cara. Fortunately for Chris, this could actually mean his first handjob should he fulfill his partner’s need for attention. Now THAT’S strategy.

Meanwhile, BuffGeek is in the sauna, and he convinced Cowboy Joe to join him in ball sweating, manly-man bonding. Could this mean a new alliance?

Cowboy Joe leaves BuffGeek alone to search for Tara outside. It is then we find out that Joe not only has a crush on her, but LOVES her. “She is the best …person in the world.” And I am Brad fucking Pitt.

Tara’s TOTALLY not digging the fact that his partner’s TOTALLY crushing on him, so she’s in that really awkward spot, like when you’re at prom, and you feel your date totally growing a boner when you’re both dancing to “Careless Whisper.” Yeah, it’s really bad. But Joe, like most other cowboys, loves the hurtin’!

That is so hot.

Anyway, the feelings aren’t mutual, and it’s like high school all over again. Smell the progress!

Later that night, everyone shifts from the cold outside to the heat in the jacuzzi, which was no hotter than Laticia’s BANGIN’ body.

Only on TVGasm is the objectification of women fun AND acceptable!

It really looks like a ComicCon and AdultCon orgy in the making, and you get the sense that shit is going to get NASSSTYYYY SEXXXUUALLLISSSTIIC when Tara — the apple in Cowboy Joe’s eye — IS TOTALLY RUBBING OFF SWEATERVEST!!!! LISTEN ALL OF Y’ALL, IT’S A SABOTAGE!!!

Cowboy Joe is PISSED. For the first time ever, we actually sympathize for him.

In the other room, by a candlelit piano, are Cokebottle and Cara, totally sharing a moment in playing something other than Chopsticks. I have to say, for being a geek, Cokebottle knows the way to a woman’s boobs: tickling some serious ivories.

…which inevitably led to a cuddle session –

The CW has redefined “cabin fever” to “THE DEFLOWERING OF YOUNG MALE ADULTS.” Gotta love it.

Before going to bed, Tara knew she didn’t want to sleep with partner Cowboy Joe in the same bed, so she created a Berlin Wall of sorts on their mattress. This, like most things the world, upset Joe again.

Oh god, I made that Berlin Wall pun just before Cowboy Joe called it the Iron Curtain.

There is something dreadfully wrong with that. I am becoming them. I am becoming them. I am becomMOM CLOSE THE FREAKIN’ DOOR, GOSH!!!

The next day…

The Challenge is announced. It’s quite complicated, so bear with me.

- There are a bunch of snowmen, totally lodged with a bunch of construction tools. The men will standby their snowman stations to send over tools the women have to explicitly ask for, one by one to create…

- … a sled the women will have to construct in their own building stations. Knowledge of tool names is essential to make the build speedy.

- Once the sled is built, the partners must to up a slope and ride down their (likely) poorly constructed. If they fall, they lose. First couple who makes it to the finish line wins!

The entire challenge is just a MESS; the Bitches don’t know names of tools, and they’re having their Dork partners run up and down to their tool stations wondering what the fuck these girls are asking for. It’s a slow process, and you start feeling for the geeks who, like Cokebottle, are wearing really big pants during this challenge.

Just watching it is painful.

The Bitches are struggling just as much in their cherry popping of building something from scratch.

I believe the last time I’ve ever seen anyone work so hard on their knees, a Clinton was in office. HEY-YO!

Christina and BuffGeek were the first to build their sled, and after their exhausting hike up, they careened super fast down the snowy hill…

…only to be stopped in their tracks! They must completely restart the hike and give it another go before being declared the winners.

Their second attempt failed, and meant a third run for Christina and BuffGeek. Little did they know that Tara and her geek were right on their tails.

But they fell and failed, too.

Then Sweatervest and Amanda go up.

First attempt and they WIN.

Back at the lodge…

Host Mike announces that the couple who goes home will be decided in a Survivor-esque vote. A first in the season, and a MASSIVE upset for the gang. In the result of a tie, Sweatervest and Amanda are the tie-breaking vote.

The bonds made new during this field trip have proven to contaminate everyone’s reasons in their voting decisions. Personal feelings are getting really muddy in the mix of the game, and there’s absolutely no way of finding out who’ll be the couple to go home. Essentially, everyone’s FUCKING. RETARDED.

At the voting ceremony…

Everyone voted for each other, which resulted in a 4-way TIE that put winners Sweatervest and Amanda as the deciding vote.

They chose to eliminate BuffGeek and Christina from the game.

It was a cry fest loaded with hugs and goodbyes, a sentimental send off that challenged all other cheesy reality TV moments; luckily for you guys, my telepathic gift had me read the minds of BuffGeek and Christina just before their emotional departure…