Season finales blow; saying goodbye to the people you’ve secretly held an emotional attachment to is really sad for about five minutes, and this is especially true in reality TV, where that slump could last for TEN minutes. Following the swan song to this season’s Bitches and Dorks, it’s going to be hard to imagine one night a week where sexism and classism are void from television. That’s your cue to scoff.
“I HATE MAPQUEST.”
What better way to end an installment than with a three-way? …Of competition!? Oh, ME!
Disclaimer: Not actually a three-way
Host announces to the final three couples that the finale is reserved for TWO couples, and that one must leave “RIGHT. NOW.”
The quickie elimination competition was simple: The couple with the least number of correct answers regarding knowledge of their house mates is OUT.
It was like the poor man’s The Newlywed Game, except that these contestants don’t have to worry about alimony.
Question 1: What does your geek think is your hidden talent?
“How do you spell ‘teabag’…?”
Question 2: If your beauty had a superpower, which one would it be?
Chris: man of many syllables
To which Cara replied — and I’m not making this up — “That’s… stupid. I don’t even know what that is.”
The questions got really lame, and it ended up like this:
The tribe has spoken, your journey ends here, and you are oot; step off da runway.
America, your final four:
Cokebottle and Leticia were the only believable couple who said they really enjoyed each other’s company, so it was kinda sweet seeing them end on a pact made earlier in the season: their exit, no matter how painful it may be, must be done in dance.
Doin’ the Roger Rabbit
Dry those eyes and start those engines — final competition comin’ up!
…But first, an obligatory retrospective.
Gaysian: The only one worth remembering.
Final guys: “I learned about myself! Blah blah blah! I can talk to girls now, WITHOUT giving them my credit card number!”
Final girls: “I learned about myself! Blah blah blah! I’m not a judgmental cunt anymore!”
As part of a reward for making it to the end, the CW surprised the final two with a brunch with all the eliminated as guests to the event.
Reunited n’ it feels so cold…
And the money shot came at a time all too appropriate:
OMFG GAYSIAN SIGHTING!!!
The smiles and emotions were on overdrive, until they all realized they still hated each other and started giving out drama like free fucking candy: Amber has the hots for Sweatervest, confronts him for grabbing ass with Tara, Amber confronts whowhatnow for something she did with something or other, Amber this, Christina that — point is, everyone’s still unforgiving with Amber’s dirty laundry list of dirty laundry, and with Christina, probably bored with doing nothing with her mouth, distracted herself by talking shit about everyone behind everyone’s back during the event. FUN FAMILY BRUNCH!!!
It was just a hot mess of stupid girls talking a lot of shit about nothing, getting riled up about their already-tained reputations becoming more tained (if that’s even REMOTELY possible).
Meanwhile, Amber’s got Sweatervest on cock-lockdown; she sees his six-figure victory as her ticket to free shopping.
“I am doing this simply because I am a whore.”
Shit got nasty awkward at dinner later, after it was found out that the ENTIRE cast would be staying overnight. Sweatervest’s partner was afraid he was getting too close to Amber and losing sight of the game. Tears JUSTIFIED.
The following day…
The final two couples woke up to find that everyone …had vanished.
Host says that the final competition will be to FIND the eliminated Beauties and Geeks, all with ONLY their knowledge and memory from the day they started the game — and all within 3 hours.
The eliminated B&Gs are in several spots in Los Angeles that reflect each one’s personality or favorite hobby, and the final two couples only had aids of a book of clues, a limo, and map of LA.
The couple who returns with the most passengers WINS THE WHOLE SHA-BANG.
The Final Competition Begins: A Pictorial
“NO, SERIOUSLY, I FUCKING HATE MAPQUEST.”
Doot de doo…
Romancing the Stone
Making things go at-attention, one man at a time.
The competition was SERIOUSLY tight, and was still anyone’s $250,000 prize. The only drawback? Los Angeles traffic, and BOTH teams felt it — HARD. Unfortunately for both teams, time had hit the buzzer, and it was also time to find out which couple would win the grand prize.
So who brought back the most Beauties and Geeks based on their knowledge and efficiency in Mapquesting?
4 is a lonely number…
…when 5 is the winning number.
So there you have it, Sweatervest and Amanda have won, quite anticlimactically, this season’s Beauty and the Geek, and winning by a hair’s length meant that Chris and Cara made their exit with a sense of pride and happiness for their just-as-hard-workin’ competitors.
As for next season, let’s see if this “social experiment” has anything to do with, say, data. Or flow charts. Or results. That’d be nice.