Recap: Beauty & The Geek: Save A Whore, Ride A Cowboy

Wednesday nights sure have become a difficult night for television. Between Beauty and the Geek, American Idol, Lost, The Knights of Prosperity, Top Design and the occasional college basketball game, I’ve got my DVRs working some serious overtime.

While going through the DVR last night, I also forgot that I had recorded an episode of the Dr. Keith Ablow show. “Now why would I do that?” I thought. I’ve never seen the show before and don’t particularly trust anyone named Ablow. But then I remembered that the show was all about Beauty and the Geek and featured about half of the cast members. I wouldn’t have even known about this if I weren’t an occasional reader of Niels’ personal blog, where he’s been plugging his appearance for about a week.

In case you missed the Dr. Keith Ablow show (and I hope you did, that guy is a serious hack), not a whole lot of exciting things happened with our wonderful cast members. The biggest question was whether or not Jennylee and Nate are still involved, and we didn’t even get a definitive answer to that. I’m guessing no. But at least eight months later, Nate has still managed to ward off his old caveman look, Cecille is still a complete idiot, and Niels still loves that hideous blue shirt he walked into the mansion in on day one. By the way, he’s also a “dating coach” now, which is a big step for the guy who once felt ashamed to ask for a girl’s phone number. And that will be the first and last time I ever watch the Dr. Keith Ablow show.
Last week on Beauty and the Geek, Nate finally made his move, Cecille angered PETA by attempting to murder her dog with bracelets, and in the end, Mario and Nadia were sent packing. We’re down to the final three teams!

We open with Niels and Jennylee returning upstairs after defeating Mario and Nadia in the Elimination Room. Jennylee gives Nate a big hug as they’re both thrilled that they still have some time together, because as you know, there’s no way this relationship will ever last beyond the confines of this house.

Later that night we get treated to more black-and-white Geek on Beauty romancing in one room, while in another Scooter and Niels attempt to have a meaningful conversation with Cecille. Attempting to have an intelligent conversation with Cecille is about as possible as me having sex with Halle Berry. It just ain’t gonna happen. But they persist anyway. Cecille tells them that she’s only concerned with money and goes on to say “when I’m living in my multi-million dollar house and you’re in your Berkeley fucking fifteen hundred dollar crap ass fraternity home…” Yeah, nobody from Berkeley ever amounts to anything. Berkeley. What a shitty school that is. But seriously, I don’t know what community college Cecille flunked out of, but I’m pretty sure she has no clue where or even what Berkeley is. What’s shocker? What’s Berkeley?

Niels wastes a lot of his breath trying to tell Cecille that life isn’t about money. “When you’re making the big bucks, then call me.” She says. Yeah, I’m sure you’ll be on the top of the list. It’s like every episode she’s intentionally trying to get me to hate her more. It’s working.

The next morning, they head back down to the living room/library, where Mike congratulates them on making it to the final three teams. This week’s challenge will be a little different because it will be about something outside of everyone’s comfort zone.

That’s right. They’ll be doing actual cowboy chores. Yee-Ha! This could mean trouble for Cecille. Just because you’re well acquainted with the reverse cowgirl position does not make you a real cowgirl.

Mike tells them that they’ll be heading over to a local ranch for the challenges ahead, where they’ll have a race to complete three different ranch chores. Niels tells us that if anyone’s got an upper hand here it’s Scooter since he’s from Montana. Foreshadowing much? We’ll find out…

The teams head back up to their bedrooms where authentic Western clothing has been left for them. Megan, in her infinite wisdom, picks out the pair of uncomfortable yet cute cowboy boots instead of the ones that won’t make her feet bleed while they’re running around the ranch. If there’s one thing I hate, it’s when women intentionally put on the most uncomfortable pair of shoes and complain about how much their feet hurt. As if on cue, Megan immediately tells Scooter that her feet already hurt. Sigh.

Nate grows concerned as he watches Cecille and Megan prep themselves for the day ahead. “You know, Jennylee’s wearing jeans and a shirt,” he says. “Well we’d rather look like hookers!” Cecille replies. Well, she didn’t actually say that, but she might as well have because that’s what she looked like. “It’s very important to be cute at all times,” Cecille tells us. Is that why she always looks like a piglet? Some people think piglets are cute. She goes on to tell us some more nonsense about how she feels so close to animals, probably because they have the same brain capacity. I seriously hate this woman.

The teams pile aboard an RV and head to their ranch. Niels tells us what I think the world is thinking, “I would feel sick to my stomach [if Cecille] won.”

They get to the ranch and run over to a wagon which holds envelopes describing their three tasks. The first is transporting five bales of hay from one place to another, then milking a cow and filling up a bottle, and finally grabbing tags off of sheep who are aimlessly wandering around a corral hoping that someone comes and saves them before Cecille can put bracelets around their necks.

The teams run over to the hay bales, and Cecille tells us that she hates running more than anything in the world because it’s so unflattering. Really? Running is the worst thing in the world? I want to know how she feels once her implants start leaking.

The first task is a bit of a struggle for Niels because his frail, child-like body cannot lift a bale of hay. As you might recall, this is the same guy who had to buy women’s clothing because he couldn’t find any men’s things that would fit nicely on his girlish figure. The other two teams seem to have the bale transportation down a little bit better, and Nate and Cecille are the first to make it over to the barn where they’ll have to milk a cow. Meanwhile, Scooter looks like he’s doing all the work for his team because Megan is probably off trying to have sex with a farmhand.

After single-handedly finishing up the first of three tasks by himself, Scooter leads Megan over to the barn where Cecille and Nate already have the lead. Jennylee and Niels finally make it over to the barn, but it doesn’t look like they’ll be able to catch up. Apparently living in Montana does help, as Scooter and Megan finish the cow challenge ahead of Nate and Cecille. They rush down to the corral where they find six agitated sheep who want no part of this television show. They quickly learn that grabbing these sheep isn’t such an easy task, and attempt to chase them down. Megan actually gets pretty down and dirty and you can color me impressed.

Nate and Cecille make it down shortly afterwards, but have entirely too much catching up to do. Scooter and Megan grab the last tag and win, giving them a free pass to the finals.

Nate is struck by the fact that he’ll be facing off against Jennylee in the Elimation Room. He compares this to a Greek tragedy. The Odyssey, Oedipus Rex, The Tale of Nate and Jennylee. Hmm. No, one of those definitely does not fit.

After the race, the teams are completely spent. Megan is bruised up pretty badly and regrets the fact that she chose to not wear a shirt. Yup, clothes sure do come in handy down on the farm. Niels and Scooter proceed to take their shirts off, and hose each other down. Unfortunately, we aren’t treated to another rendition of the “Ding Ding Dong” song, however they do show this in slow motion with pseudo-porn music playing in the background. You can make all the Brokeback Geek jokes you want, but to me it’s just two sweaty guys helping each other cool off…yeah, I take that back. This does look just a little bit weird. Even Jennylee says it looked a little like a soft-core porno.

After they teams cool down, they head over to a special barbecue where they drink a few beers and get some time to relax. Scooter makes a toast for Megan, since she did such a great job during the race. The conversation turns serious as they begin discussing their experience on the show so far. Cecille tells us that “People don’t like pretty people, they find things to hate about them.” If I were to use the words of Scooter, I would tell you that I cannot quantify how much I hate this girl. Scooter asks her what she would like to change about herself to which she replies “lose weight?”

This goes back and forth with Cecille for a while, but she apparently doesn’t get the fact that she hasn’t changed at all and generally sucks at life. As the sun sets, we get treated to more Nate on Jennylee romancing. He worries that once they get out of the house she’ll want nothing to do with him, which I think is a pretty legitimate concern, considering you know, he doesn’t wear deodorant.

The next morning, Scooter and Megan are the only team able to relax as they’re safe from the Elimination Room. They discuss how lucky they were to have never been up for elimination. When everyone heads to the kitchen for lunch, they find a note telling them to head to the library for a surprise. When everyone gets to the library, they find a television there which begins to play a short montage of their experience in the house so far.

I have to admit, it sure looks like Scooter and Nate have come a long way in just a short amount of time. It’s amazing what a shave and a haircut can do for a guy. Even Jennylee thinks she’s come a long way. Cecille however, is the same dingbat she was the day she entered the house. Everyone feels that they’ve changed a lot, except for Cecille who says “I think I’m the same.” Scooter tells us that he hopes she doesn’t win because if she does it will validate everything she’s been saying. At this point, I don’t think anyone outside of Cecille’s immediate family is rooting for her, and they probably don’t even like her.

Upstairs, the teams spend time packing and studying and saying their final goodbyes to each other. Scooter also treats Niels to a back massage, prompting more pseudo-porn music. This is just getting awkward. “Ah my first Scooter massage, it’s everything I’ve heard!” he says. Yikes.

The teams head to the Elimination Room where they’ll be asked questions about ranching. The girls are up first and somehow they get all their questions correct. Is Cecille just putting up an act? She really is a moron, right? How does she keep getting all her questions right? Are the producers feeding her answers through an earpiece? It’s a conspiracy I tell you!

After the women go a perfect four for four, Niels and Nate are up.

Nate correctly answers a question about bullriding, followed by Niels correctly answering a question about saddles. On his second question, Nate correctly identifies Faith Hill as being Tim McGraw’s wife. This puts all the pressure on Niels to get his last question right.

He is asked where the Chism Trail ended. I’ve never even heard of this, and apparently neither has Niels as he incorrectly answers California. Nate and Cecille win again, and will be one of the final two teams. Cecille raises her hand and says she’s got something to say. For a brief second I thought she was going to say something pleasant. Then I remembered who was talking. “You can take the blonde to the ranch, but you can’t take the bikini off the blonde, and that was our focus going in here tonight and we love it.” I’m not even sure what that was supposed to mean, but it really pisses Jennylee off. She whispers “I feel sick,” which pretty much sums up exactly how I feel knowing that Cecille has a real shot of winning this thing.

Jennylee doesn’t bother giving Cecille a hug and instead just says “That was inappropriate.” I was hoping that Jennylee would kick Cecille in the stomach, but unfortunately it doesn’t happen. Instead, Jennylee and Niels walk about of the house where we’re treated to our normal goodbye montage. Or is it?

In the middle of her goodbye speech, Nate runs on-screen to give Jennylee a hug. Aww, how sweet. Maybe there’s hope for them yet…nah.

Next week we’re down to the final two teams, and someone is walking away with 250 large. Is anyone out there rooting for Cecille? Could she actually win this thing? We’ll find out next week…