He Puts The “Good” In “Goodbye”

When it comes to recapping Beauty and the Geek, it seems the more things change, the more they stay the same. For once, I experienced no technical difficulties with the signal, and yet my recap is still late. I’d planned on having it up by Sunday evening, but I forgot that big football game with all the commercials was on. (I can’t say the name of the game, or the NFL will sue me. Although I can tell you it rhymes with “pooper.”)

This week’s episode kicks off with Chris and Tristin returning upstairs after winning yet another Elimination Ceremony. (Sure, it’s only been two wins in a row, but I get the feeling these two are going to be nominated every week until someone takes them down.) Tristin is worried that nobody’s going to be happy to see them. And while it’s nice that Danielle gives her a big hug, it’s not nearly big enough to overcome Cher’s Eye Daggers of Death. If she could, I’m sure Cher would give Tristin and Chris both a big festering case of butt cancer. Later, Ankur is hanging out upstairs with Cher. He thinks she’s just there for the money. And he’s right, as she tells us: “I don’t think any of the guys are here for the money. They’re just here for the experience. But that money can change my life. I won’t have to work three jobs anymore.” Of course, she’ll still be walking around with no underwear, but that’s always been her second job.

Cher asks Ankur why he’s at the house. “I came here to change Ankur,” he tells her. One, two, three: Aaaahhhh…. Poor Ankur has never hung around non-nerds, has never been on a date, and has never met a roll of duct tape he couldn’t fashion into a nerdish accessory guaranteed to scare off the girls. Seriously dude, what’s there to change?

While Cher and Ankur are talking, Tristin tells Josh and a few others that she got all three of her computer questions right. Josh asks her if he can phone her sometime for tech support. Lamest. Pickup. Line. Ever. (And by ever, of course, I mean so far this episode.)

It’s hot tub time! Or, as Josh calls it, “Josh Challenge Time”. “Every day there’s an official challenge, and the Josh Challenge,” he explains. The Josh Challenges are supposed to help him conquer his fears, one of which is the hot tub. While he doesn’t take his robe off tonight, he does stick his toes in the water. One fear at a time, Josh. One fear at a time.

Host Mike Richards calls the players down to the library to go over this week’s challenge. “Guys, I think we can agree dating is not your strong point,” he starts off. Wow, way to go out on a limb, Captain Obvious. Next you’ll be telling us the sky is blue and my recaps suck. This week’s study materials will teach the Geeks how to behave on a date. Ever the romantic, Chris shares his feelings on dating: “I think you’re better off if you just sock yourself in the crotch and throw away $50.” Hey, that’s the same way I spent my Senior Prom. Ah, memories.

To help the Geeks out on the dating challenge, the Beauties get to give their partners a makeover. I hope they do it slumber party style, so when one of the Geeks falls asleep, someone will dunk their hand in warm water or spread peanut butter in their armpit. Alas, it’s not to be, as instead of a sleepover the gang heads out to the mall. First they stop at Planet Funk for some new clothes. Danielle is totally psyched: “As soon as I walk into a mall, I’m instantly happy, because it’s one of the best sporting events ever to go into a store and go crazy.” Danielle probably thinks mall-walking should be an Olympic event. If only she could spell Olympic. Or event.

Ankur is worried that the clothes Jennipher is picking out will get dirty too easily. And poor Josh can’t find any clothes that fit. Men’s clothes, that is. So Cher has him try on girl’s jeans. Josh is the least booku contestant ever. “If the clothes make the man, and I’m wearing women’s clothes, does that make me a woman?” he asks. No, Josh, your vagina makes you a woman. Well, providing you’ve have your first period. Otherwise, you’re still just a girl.

Meanwhile, Jennipher’s had it with Ankur’s anti-conformist attitude (he doesn’t like shopping, because it’s done purely to conform), and decides to get him good. And by good, she means yanking out every unkempt strand of hair on his body. Starting with the unibrow. “I don’t want his eyebrows to look too feminine,” she tells the waxer. “Leave a little bush to it.” Great, now Ankur’s going to have a landing strip across his forehead.

Over the next few minutes we’re treated to a lot of shots of the Geeks getting made over. Josh is practically orgasmic while getting his sideburns shaved. And Ankur tells us there isn’t an inch on his body that couldn’t be waxed. Yeah, thanks for sharing.

Back at the house, it’s time for the big reveal. Being a guy, it’s genetically impossible for me to tell is any of the Geeks are now good looking, but I’m pretty sure they’re all better than when they started. Josh certainly thinks so, as he tells us he looks so good he’d hook up with himself. Like that hasn’t already happened at least three times today alone. The girls all think Wes is the best looking of the bunch. I’ll let you decide from the “Before” and “After” shots.

The next day, everyone’s off to the Geisha House for this week’s challenge: Speed Dating! The Geeks have to go on five-minute dates with three different women. The women will then rate their performances, and the Geek with the best score wins. First up are Wes, Josh and Ankur. The Beauties will be watching their Geeks on closed circuit TV downstairs and can hear everything they say. Before the dates start, the Beauties are allowed to give their Geeks one last bit of advice. For Wes, Sarah tells him not to talk about tracking monkeys with lasers. Cher tells Josh to lay off the mannerisms. And Jennipher tells Ankur not to eat the nuts, because they might “hinder his breath”. Of course, being the anti-conformist that he is, as soon as she walks away Ankur eats a nut. Breath, and Jennipher by extension, you have been hindered!

A few highlights from this round: Josh tells his date that life is like Vaseline, in that it can molded in so many different ways. I would’ve said that Vaseline just makes it easier for life to fuck you in the ass, but then I’m a bitter old soul. Ankur’s first date doesn’t like robots; she’s afraid they’re going to take over the world, like in that one robot movie. Ankur, of course, is stunned, as he builds robots for a living. See, this is why he only hangs out with nerds. Wes tries his best, and is actually pretty charming, but then he’s asked what he does for a living. At first, he tells his date he’s a programmer. But he just can’t seem to stop himself. Sarah is begging him, “do not mention the monkeys. Do not mention the monkeys.” Of course, Wes mentions the monkeys.

“Pull my finger!”

The next group is Karl, Chris and Joe. Before their dates start, Tristin tells Chris to compliment the women, but don’t over-compliment. Danielle tells Karl to make eye contact, and don’t get too nervous. Finally, Brittany tells Joe to look interested, and let them talk about themselves. Are you taking notes, EdHill?

A few highlights from this round: Chris tells his first date he took a class on prostitution, and shows her his authentic Geisha wallet, made from real Geisha skin! Karl’s date says he has an indy-rock-esque edge to him. Let’s hear it for Death Kab for Karl! Joe’s date has a sister in Chicago, which is where Joe lives, so he tells his date if her sister wants someone to hang out with, let him know. Unfortunately for Joe, the sister is pregnant with her second child. So not only did Joe just hit on his speed date’s sister, he hit on his speed date’s pregnant sister. And yet, he still does better than Chris, who tells another date he just graduated with a triple degree: Psychology, History and a Master’s in Bowhunting. He also says he’s looking for a job putting stickers on fruit. Ladies, I can’t believe this guy is still available.

Meow!

Chris’ final date asks if he likes his Beauty. Oh no, this can’t be good. “Not really,” he says. “It’s great to be able to talk to a smart girl every once in a while.” Ooh, that’s gonna leave a mark. Needless to say, Tristin has a major conniption downstairs.

Host Mike Richards says the Geeks all scored well, but Wes and Ankur had the highest scores. Not bad for one guy with no dating experience and one that tracks monkeys with lasers. Wes ends up winning, and did so well with one girl she asked Host Mike Richards to give him her numbers. Yay Wes! Your first digits! Cher says she thought Wes would win, because he’s the type of guy who’d do what it takes to make a girl happy. Especially if the girl needs a monkey tracked with a laser. As this is the only challenge this week, Wes and Sarah get to pick both teams to send to elimination.

Back at the house, it’s time for Chris and Tristin to talk about Chris’ open-mike faux pas. Initially, Chris tries to blow it off, saying he was just trying to flatter his date. Tristin, however, doesn’t think you should flatter someone by putting someone else down. Obviously, Tristin doesn’t read my recaps. Here, for your reading pleasure, is the transcript of their discussion.

Tristin: “We don’t like to think we’re dumb.”
Chris: “They picked us guys because we’re socially awkward. So if someone were to tell me I’m socially awkward, I wouldn’t be offended by it.”
Tristin: “I AM NOT UNINTELLIGENT! AND I AM OFFENDED BY SOMEONE CALLING ME UNINTELLIGENT!”
Chris: “Well, alright, not unintelligent… academically uninclined. That’s why they pick people to be on this show.”
Tristin: “Screw you!”

Poor Chris. No matter how hard he tries, Tristin just doesn’t want to hear it. What a bitch.

Sarah and Wes are trying to decide who to nominate. Wes doesn’t want to send Chris and Tristin for the third time in a row. Sarah wants to nominate Josh and Cher, because Josh is starting to transform into a beautiful butterfly. Wes is hesitant, though, pointing out that Josh and Cher had the chance to send them but they didn’t. In the end, they nominate Chris and Tristin to go against Josh and Cher. Tristin is so upset she flicks her tears at Sarah. Man, I wanted to taste her tears. Mmmm, they taste so good! And salty.

Upstairs, Tristin runs in the bathroom and starts to cry: “Wahwahwahblubber I’m not academically uncompetent blubbersniffsniff!” Chris says he has a lot of experience trying to patch things up, but he’s here to learn how to not mess things up in the first place. Since his earlier attempts at an apology didn’t go over so well, he pulls out his trusty Sharpie and makes Tristin a card. Because nothing says “I’m sorry” like a lame-ass card. Amazingly, Tristin accepts his apology and all is forgiven. Damn, I’ve got to start making my own cards. Maybe I won’t spend so many weeks sleeping on the couch.

At least Josh is bigger than Tiny Elvis.

Time for the Elimination Ceremony. The Beauties will be tested on everything they’ve learned so far, while the Geeks will be asked about dating. Tristin thinks IRS stands for Inquiry Resource Solution, which isn’t even close. She gets her other two questions right. Cher, meanwhile, answers all three of hers correctly, so at the end of Round One, Cher and Josh are up 3-2. Chris misses his first question, confusing Lothario with Casanova. Josh correctly answers that religion, politics and exes are three of the four things you shouldn’t talk about on a date. But they don’t say what the fourth is! Arrggh! Anyone have any idea? In the end, Josh and Cher win, thus bringing an end to the long, dark reign of Chris and Tristin. To celebrate, Cher says Josh doesn’t have to put his feet in the hot tub tonight.

Is it just me, or was tonight’s episode pretty boring? What do you think?