Beauty and the Geek: I’m With Stupid

Last week, O. Snapp was busy fighting crime and making snappy puns in Canada, and meanwhile, on “Beauty and the Geek,” so much drama ensued that I am tempted to call the Commissioner and have him switch me to administrative duties instead of field work. Apparently, to no one’s surprise, the so-called “hot” guy and one of the beauties got it on like two little rabbits in the forest, to the extreme dismay of Geeky Girl. Just think, she came on to this show thinking she could meet some cool new people, show off her smarts, maybe meet a cute guy, get a makeover! And instead she gets screwed by her partner because he’s screwing the cuter girl. Sorry if I sound bitter, this is a familiar tale to me, as I grew up looking just like our little Nicole, wearing dorky glasses and wretched vests. And unitards. I actually wore unitards. Now when I see her crying at the top of the show, not even four episodes into the season, I just want to hug her and tell her that she’s a hottie to me!

Even with that forehead!

Not to mention the fact that the most adorable girl in the world got kicked off last time! The Betty Boop impersonator and her forgettable partner got slammed in the final round, and now it’s just down to 8 teams. Right off the bat tonight, our aesthetically blessed lovers are keeping it classy with nite-vision.

How can she have sex with those eyebrows of his??

After a very uncomfortable amount of panting and grunting, the nite-vision camera pans down to Nicole’s bunk. In the same room. Right below them. My heart totally goes out to you, Geek Girl. That’s just wrong. The poor girl barely scrapes up the bravery to leave the room while there are two monkeys fucking in the bed above her, but she still has the strength of character to know that he is the one being disrespectful and that this event makes it even clearer that she can’t go home before she has done some serious ass-whuppin’, if only to clear her name (and get the goddamn makeover!).

The next day, Sam, upon seeing Nicole cry to one of the other girls, admits that he wasn’t using his brain the night before.

Really? What part of you do you theorize took over?

Everyone gathers into the study for their next challenge. This week the challenges are repeats of past seasons’ tasks that viewers chose as the bestest evar. There’s rocket science (“I don’t know astrology,” complains Slutty Rebecca), computer building, and a makeunder for the Beautes, and massage, fashion, or exercise for the dweebs. Jasmine channels her inner 7-year-old lazy moron and whines, “Do we really have to read? Again? I only like to read things with pictures.” Glad to know she’s a babysitter and is in charge of guiding the young minds of our future leaders. David explains that while he doesn’t typically give massages to males, he does know how to give a good rub-down because of all the experience he’s had with his mom. Wait, what? I hope you all join me in the preference to avoid at all costs knowing the kind of “Spank The Monkey” shenanigans this guy has going on at home.

Joshua and Chez practice their fitness routines, and while Chez tries to differentiate between squeezing one’s butt with their hands vs. with their muscles, Joshua provides the most hilarious moment of the night and suddenly ceases movement, gazing into a far-off space. “Did you squeeze it??” demands Chez. “I dunno…” Joshua replies timidly, and I am completely sure that he’s being honest. Later, this pair prepares for the masseuse challenge, and Chez continues in her aggressive tutorial by man-handling Joshua (as usual).

I would hate to see this woman during childbirth.

Shouldn’t he be teaching her astrophysics by now? Elsewhere in the mansion, Slutty Rebecca and Will are plotting their next victory and practically planning the next elimination round because the Becc’sters is a masseuse in real life. No fair! Oh, and for those of you wondering? I also totally thought this Rebecca was the same as the Rebecca who passed out on ANTM a few seasons ago (BEST MOMENT OF ALL-TIME ANTM), but when I did some research I found it just couldn’t be true.

What do you guys think? She definitely reminds me of her though. In any case, as they rehearse the rubdown, Nicole and Luke discuss how evil Rebecca is. Luke, knowing his opportunity to avoid elimination has arrived, fuels Geek Girl’s anger and distrust towards Slutty Rebecca, and as they chat I think these two might not make a bad couple. Then they get caught by Rebecca’s partner.

“Nothing! I, uh, we… we were just studying! Yeah, that’s it!”

Guess what? The geek task is massaging the beauties, and as each lady (and one buff dude) disrobe, 7 masseuses get a boner and one masseuse inwardly rolls her eyes. The task is rather boring to watch, so I have more time to ponder how much I hate Muscles McDouchey.

His face looks like if a pumpkin did to humans what we do to jack o’lanterns.

In the end, it comes down to Will and Jesse, and though everyone expects the real masseuse’s partner to win, it’s actually Jesse that comes out on top. Now Slutty Rebecca is feeling the pressure, because she knows that everyone hates her team and that Nicole hates her gorgeous ass, and she gets a bit worried. But instead of studying harder to make sure no one will beat her, she decides to let Eyebrows O’Tanney to nuzzle her bosoms instead.

“I’m going to Titneyland!”

For their challenge, the Beautes have to successfully build and launch a rocket. Each girl looks scared shitless. Sam gets everything built pretty fast, but fails miserably upon launch. However, as all of the girls putz around in the dark, Sam actually rebuilds his rocket and succeeds in his second launch attempt, trumping each beauty beside him.

Back at the house, Sam is trying to convince Nicole that his lady love should stay in the competition. Nicole just gives him the same uncaring, bitter, condescending look of a soon-to-be ex-wife. Fortunately for them, they don’t have to make the decision, as Erin and Jesse have chosen Will & The Becc’sters for elimination. Sam and Nicole choose William and Jen.

Rebecca has returned to her near-tears mode. She sees that they are the biggest competition to everyone else, and in her panic to try and study as hard as she can for the elimination round (it’s a little late for that, Titneyland!), she starts to cry. You know, that kind of cry that starts out accidentally, like a burp, and seems silly at first, and you try to shake it off but it eventually becomes uncontrollable until you find yourself weeping in the well-toned arms of a near-stranger?

Yeah, I think we’ve all been there. At elimination, Jen wipes the floor with Rebecca’s loose ass (except for the part where Jen calls the moon a planet, naturally) and William loses the other round because his opponent got a massage question! How ironic is that? Well, I suppose only moderately ironic, but the good news is, it’s all over soon, and Will and Slutty Rebecca Who May Or May Not Have Been A Tyra Apprentice are down for the count.

Now that the team I previously thought would win is out, who will take the cake? I hope to God it’s not that young George Hamilton. But don’t worry, kids, we’ve got 6 more weeks to find out, and anything can happen. Next week: Makeover Episode! See you on the boards!