Innocence Lost

What the hell happened to Beauty and the Geek? For a show that started out so promisingly, it certainly limped its way to last week’s season finale. I swear, if this show were a heavy metal band, it’d be called Anticlimactica.

Regardless of how dull the last few weeks have been, however, overall the show was still a success. Be they Beauty or Geek, everyone who stayed in the house for this “social experiment” has said they learned something about themselves. And even though I fall in neither category–too male to be a Beauty, too socially adjusted to be a Geek–and only recapped this show, I too have learned a deeper truth about myself, and my relationship to my fellow man: I’m good at making fun of people. And, more important, I’m proud of the fact that I’m good at it. My mom was right: I am an asshole.This week’s show starts off with a quick recap of the season’s highs and lows. After blowing through this, we catch Joe and Brittany heading up the stairs to meet Josh and Cher. Securing their place in the finals by eliminating Jennipher and Ankur has made Brittany “tingly all over”. Who knew that pummeling her friends would be such an aphrodisiac? Joe says he knows Josh and Cher did not want them to win, because they feel he and Brittany are the strongest competitors. And he’s right. Josh is so nervous about who won he’s physically shaking. The last thing he wants is a level playing field. The next-to-last thing he wants is another swirlie from Cher.

When Joe and Brittany walk through the door, there’s a lot of backslapping, then a really awkward silence after Joe mentions he needs to change because his brown shoes don’t match his black shirt. I’m not sure if the awkwardness stems from his fashion faux pas, or the fact that he and Josh have finally assumed the roles they were born to play: DeNiro verus Pacino in Heat. (I’ll let you decide who’s who.)

“I am a golden god!”

Later, the teams gather down at the hot tub. And finally, Josh is ready to get in. Josh tells us that unlike the song, his body is most definitely not a wonderland. In fact, he considers it to be much more like a carnival freak show. And I’m inclined to agree, as without a shirt, poor Josh looks like a dirty Q-Tip. Still, he disrobes and jumps in. On the one hand, it’s good to see Josh conquer his fears of showing his body to other people. On the other hand, we were the people he showed it to.

Since there are only two teams left, there’s no need for a competition this week. Instead, Host Mike Richards tells the remaining contestants their study materials are sitting right next to them. In other words, they need to study their partners. Fortunately for them, Josh and Joe have been studying their partners since Day One. Joe feels it’s not luck that the two best teams have made it to the finals. “If there’s ever a time the giants need to meet, it’s in the finals,” he says. Instead of showing their weaknesses, this week everyone gets to show their partners something they’re actually good at. Why do I get the feeling this is Joe’s special talent?

Josh takes Cher fly fishing, which is something I never expected him to do. Of course, I never expected him to know how big of a penis Wes has either, so what do I know. When he’s fly fishing, Josh says he gets totally lost in the moment, and his mind goes blank. Just like Cher! Speaking of which, despite the sport’s lack of fashion, our favorite beer spokesmodel is trying to make her outfit cuter, which amuses Josh. As he says, the fish don’t go after something that’s cute. They go after something that looks like a fly. If only Josh were fishing with Jeff Goldblum. Cher loses a few lures, tangles her line, doesn’t catch anything and smacks Josh in the face a couple of times, so overall it was a good day. The best thing about this segment, however, is the Hee Haw music the producers pick to play under the segment. I kept expecting Grandpa Jones to pop up and tell us what’s for supper.

Meanwhile, Joe decides he’s going to teach Brittany how to play chess. And no, he wasn’t high on peyote at the time. He takes Brittany to the beach where there’s a giant chess board set up. Joe gets really animated as he tries to teach his Beauty the intricacies of the game, even going so far as to act out the King running from the other pieces. Brittany says it sounds just like TicTacToe. Still, she does seem to pick up the basics pretty well, so maybe there’s something to Joe’s teaching methods after all. When he thinks she’s learned all she can, he decides to show off a little and challenges a local master to a game of speed chess. Brittany says they were playing so fast, it gave her a headache. After Joe wins, she says to know she shared a room with a master chess player was pretty cool. Way cooler than when she thought she was just sharing it with a masturbator.

Superstar!

Next, Brittany gets to show Joe something she’s good at, and takes him ice skating. Joe tries to be careful, as he’s afraid of falling and looking silly. And when he sees this footage, he’s going to know he failed. While Brittany isn’t too bad of a skater, she’s certainly no Todd Bridges.

Finally, we get to watch Cher teach Josh how to make sushi. For some reason, the producers play a bit of Hee Haw-inspired Japanese music under their segment that makes me wonder what Mr. Shake Hands Man and Mr. Banzai are up to these days. (Place your bets NOW!) Of course, Josh wants to put Matzah balls in his soup and ends up saying if they win, he and Cher should take the money and open the Beauty and the Geek Sushi House.

After the break, we’re treated another flashback segment, but since it’s accompanied by that godawful James Blunt You’re Beautiful song, I fast-forwarded through it. Just as I always do every time the new Verizon spot with the chick dancing to My Humps comes on. I don’t understand why radio stations will play a song about Fergie’s lovely lady humps while totally ignoring the little dittie I wrote about my lovely lumpy testes. Radio is so sexist.

“You mean this doesn’t happen to all the guys?”

Time to prepare for the final Elimination Room. Since last year’s challenge involved knowing trivia about your partner, the teams are asking each other questions about their personal lives, likes and dislikes. Joe says the finals are the classic battle between good and evil, with he and Brittany representing the good and Josh and Cher representing evil. “It’s a clear-cut case of Star Wars,” he says. “It’s Darth Vader versus Luke. And all I want to say is may the force be with us.” I’m really surprised it took until the final episode for someone to make a Star Wars analogy, as Ankur was clearly a dwarf Wookie. Or at the very least a plushie.

Host Mike Richards calls the two teams down to the Elimination Room. He tells the teams that while they may think they know how the challenge is going to work, there’s a twist. Wow, a twist. What are the odds… Basically, instead of being asked questions about each other, the contestants have to guess how their partners think. Each player will be asked three random questions while their partners are sequestered across the hall. Then they have to match the answers given by their partners. It sounds confusing, until I realized it’s really just like The Newlywed Game. Man, I hope Host Mike Richards asks Cher the strangest place she’s ever made whoopee. “That would be up the butt, Mike.”

The Beauties are sequestered first. Joe says his most embarrassing moment of the show was being naked in the poker challenge. Josh says the first word that popped into his head when he saw Cher was “nauseous”. Joe says if he could date any contestant in the mansion, it would be Amanda. Josh is asked the one secret that only he and Cher would know. His answer? “How big of a penis Wes has.” I hope Josh wins, just for that answer alone. Joe says he learned the most from the photo shoot challenge. Finally, Josh says his greatest fear is being in the car with an attractive woman. Which is not dissimilar to the fear I have of watching Riding in Cars with Boys.

The Beauties come back in and promptly miss every single question. Which means they’re either really stupid, or they don’t care about the Geeks nearly as much as the Geeks care about them. For the record, my money’s on really stupid.

Next, the Geeks are sequestered while the Beauties are asked three random questions. Brittany says the biggest difference in Joe from when he arrived is his short hair. Cher says if she could do any job in the world, she’d be a doctor. Brittany learned the most from the map challenge. Cher’s biggest fear is failure. If she could pick one thing to do differently during her time in the mansion, Brittany says she’d get up and work out more. Finally, Cher says if she could pick one other player to be her partner, it’d be Wes. I know the producers said the questions are random, but if I were Joe and Brittany, I’d call “Shenanigans!” on that one. I mean, she was fucking the dude. It’s not like she’s going to say she’d pick Ankur. Unless she was doing him on the side, too.

Joe and Josh both get their first questions right, miss their second ones, then get their third ones. Although the producers did try to psyche us out about Josh’s last question with some fake editing before and after the break. The teams are all tied up, so it looks like we’re heading to Overtime! For the tie-breaker, the Geeks are sequestered and the Beauties are asked the same question: Of all the players in the mansion, who doesn’t know how big Wes’ penis is? Actually, they’re asked who’s changed the most. Cher and Brittany both say Josh, and Joe and Josh both say Josh. That means it’s time for Double Overtime!

This time, the Geeks are asked if they could change one thing about their partners, what would it be? Although she has said she’d like a larger set of ta-tas, Josh ignores Cher’s wishes and says he give her more self-confidence. Joe hems and haws for a minute, before saying he’d change Brittany’s “innocence”. Her innocence? What the hell does that even mean? More importantly, does Brittany even know the word innocence? Why not just say her “naiveté”? Idiot. Cher gets her answer right, which means Brittany has to guess “innocence” or she and Joe will lose. She goes back and forth between “self confidence” and “being open to more experience in relationships and things like that”, which of course is code for “making whoopee in the butt, Mike,” before finally settling on self-confidence. This, of course, is wrong.

“I just came.”

That means Cher and Josh win! During their celebration, Josh says “wow” five times, apologizes for touching Cher, and finally delivers a believable dry heave. Host Mike Richards congratulates the pair, saying they are no longer just the Beauty and the Geek. Now they’re the Beauty and the Geek with $250,000.

So, what did you think of tonight’s finale? Are you glad Josh and Cher won, or were you pulling for Joe and Brittany?