Beauty and the Geek: Los Besos Y Las Danzas

The last few episodes of “Beauty and the Geek” have been, to me, like combinations of other reality shows. The makeover episode is like, well, every other reality show out there, the last episode was a combination of “Project Runway” and “Who Wants To Be A Superhero,” and this week was a mix of “So You Think You Can Dance” and “Survivor” with a bit of those “Laguna Beach” Spring Break episodes.

We return to our mansion after Erin and Jesse have left (and after a recap episode where we learned that Nicole is the real hottie in the house – apparently every geek wants to get into her ugly corduroy pants) and, as usual, nobody likes the fact that Natalie and John have returned safe from elimination. Why is everyone so surprised when the strongest team always returns?

Before we go any further, does anybody else think it odd that Sam is wearing this shirt?

Nerd In Disguise?

Anyway, the handsome host enters the room soon after and Dave, sweet Dave, actually thinks, “Hey, maybe we’ll get to hang out with him a little bit! He’s a really cool guy, he’s fun to be with!!”

Do I detect a man-crush?

Dave, have you never seen a reality show before?? My first thought is, “They’re gonna have to do some crazy elimination challenge RIGHT NOW!” Then I think, “O. Snapp, what’s wrong with you? You saw the Next Week On! You know they’re going to Cancùn!” At this happy news, Nicole throws out the lamest “Aye aye aye aye aye!” I’ve ever heard, and Sam breaks out a can of Bud Light in celebration. In a flash of brilliance, Sam explains that he lives his life by the philosophy of “Spring Break, 24/7, 365″ but still, this is exciting because “It’s like going to a new club, but it’s a country.”

I wonder what occasions he saves the Miller High Life for.

We learn that William knows some Spanish (“I would like for you to flower my garden”… he should teach that one to Nicole) and meanwhile, Sam is going over the study materials and keeps pronouncing jugo as “Jew-Go.” That’ll get him a lot of senoritas. By the way, does anybody know how to put a tilda over the “n” on a keyboard? Because I sure as hell don’t. I apologize to all of my Spanish-speaking readers. Gracias por leer, ahora dejame cojerlos.

As they’re packing, William admits that he called Jen fat to her face. What the fuck? No wonder he can’t get laid. It’s not because he’s a shrimp. It’s not because he’s covered in red freckles. It’s not because he’s obsessed with Superwoman. It’s because he’s a dick, and he’s broken the first rule in communicating with all women, of any age, culture or ethnicity. He called her fat. Elsewhere in the house, Jen is complaining about William being close-minded and intimidated by the fact that she’s stronger than him. Turns out that William used to be teased incessantly by athletes in high school, and she reminds him of that. So why doesn’t he hate Sam too?

One short break later, the teams are in beautiful Cancùn, Mexico, where, incidentally, O. Snapp spent her summer vacation this year. To be honest, watching this episode after several 12-hour workdays and among the rainy cold of the East Coast, O. Snapp pretty much wanted to cry. But it’s okay, because Josh is in the process of shooting his swimsuit calendar.

I use the word “swimsuit” very loosely.

The fun doesn’t last too long, though, as our Handsome Host arrives on the beach and announces that the beauties get their challenge now. They’re gonna have a quiz about the ancient Mayans, and they even get special outfits to wear. They look like their gonna be in the next “Matrix” movie.

Matrix 4: Neo In Paradise

No, it’s actually like “The DaVinci Code: Mexico” because they have to memorize Mayan symbols to crack a series of codes and unlock some gay treasure chest. Sam thinks he’s got it in the bag. From the last seven episodes where he won challenges, I begrudgingly agree with him. As it is a sacred ball court, they’re not allowed to run, so as the beauties get started, Sam walks around really really fast like Ace Ventura.

Pet Douchey

Jasmine’s strategy is to memorize stuff, and then “just know it.” That’s a very original approach to this competition, Jas. I wonder why you’ve never won a challenge. However, it is better than Jen’s strategy, which was… nothing at all. Not even to know stuff.

This is an okay challenge, but why are knee pads necessary? Especially if they’re not allowed to run? Maybe it’s for all the girls to get down on their knees for Sam, and “pay” him “homage” because of course he wins this challenge. He and Nicole are now safe from elimination. The geeks’ challenge is to master salsa dancing, which Joshua is excited about because he’ll probably use his newfound skills in regular life. How adorable would it be for this dork to come up to you at a salsa club and whisk you away to the dance floor?

“Hey baby… ever tried Claritin? This shit’ll mess you UP!”

The teams go to the beach and try to practice dancing. Or at least drinking. Drinking tequila. Tequila shots out of glasses this big.

“¡Mas! ¡Mas! ¡Mas!”

Sam reports that what he’s looking forward to the most in Mexico is partying. Damn, with the amount this guy talks about getting fucked up, I’m pretty sure that in ten or fifteen years, when they have a “Where Are They Now? Reality Edition,” Sam’s is gonna be the sob story about becoming an alcoholic and running his car into a tree after one too many strip teases at Les Deux in ’09.

Anyway, during their shotfest, Dave puts a mountain of salt on his hand and downs it. Just watching it makes my mouth hurt. Afterwards, he says, “There’s something happening in my mouth, and I’m not sure that it’s a party, but we’ll soon find out!” That’s the spirit!

Chez takes it upon herself to teach Joshua the basics of salsa, and tells him to move his shoulders around, “sexy, sexy. Do you feel sexy??” Let me tell you, when a hot chick asks you that, “I don’t know” is never the right answer.

“Do you consider shrugging sexy?”

You know it’s a party when people start asking who has an amazing hidden talent. Usually, it’s skills like being able to tie a cherry stem into a knot with one’s tongue, or something that could at least be construed as sensual. Not for Dave. He’s going to liven up this party with the ability to do a round-off back handspring. Mmmmkay… that’s kind of hot. If this were a team of gymnasts. Or nine-year-old girls. Sam expresses his doubt, listing Dave’s proportions as what makes him unlikely to pull of this type of feat. Dave echoes the sentiment, saying if he can’t do it, it’s because he’s totally wasted. Maybe he’s not aware of his proportions. In any case…

“Wheeeeeee!”

He successfully completes this task, and everyone is so floored by it that he’s the instant life of the party. Even Sam is impressed. I’m thinking this will become his party thing from now on, especially after Jasmine grabs him and…

Finally! A nerd gets some play on this freaking show! I think this was Dave’s first kiss. Ever.

“¡El Zoinks!”

Naw, he says the last time he was kissed was October of ’03. If it was that long ago, I’d say you’re kiss re-virginized. Now he’s a smitten kitten, and follows Jasmine around for the rest of the night like a wannabe lover should. This will be good for their team, though, because he’s probably not as afraid of her as he used to be.

Uh-oh. Looks like there’s a new slut it town.

It’s like “Entrapment” all over again.

Or so I thought. Natalie and Sam are getting pret-ty friendly here. As it turns out, Natalie is just strategizing about how she can keep herself and John in the game knowing how much Sam wants them out. If you call slurring about the existentialism of competition “strategizing,” that is.

“We can toooooootally beat Jay and Shoshua.”

Sam’s not having it. He sees right through her tricks and won’t be swayed, though that’s not to say they won’t keep drinking tequila together and probably hook up off-camera.

The next day as everyone is salsa-ing up a storm, Jen and William hash it out again, and she informs him that he’s being unfair to her and blaming her for things that other people did to him. Amazon Verbal Bitch-slap! Yes!

“Don’t fuck with me, girlfriend! Each of my tits are bigger than your head!”

He totally deserves it. He just needs to grow up, put it aside, and move forward instead of being a passive-aggressive little bitch. That’s what I would have said, anyway. Jen is more reserved and polite about it.

At the salsa competition, the geeks get new, professional partners, and Jen is beyond thrilled. I think Nicole has an unfair advantage here, because she doesn’t even have to lead. She gets to be led by a super-flamey salsa expert.

Surprise, surprise, William hates his partner. Was he ridiculed by hot dancers in high school too? At this point, you’ve got to realize that YOU ARE THE PROBLEM, douchey. I am now hereby shifting the McDouchey nickname from Sam to William.

The contest gets started with Nicole and her peacock, and I just have to say that although she showed enthusiasm, her boobie shake was rather pathetic.

What, that’s all your mama gave you?

Joshua and Dave do quite well, sweating their balls off but getting into it. Josh is honored with second place, and Dave wins the challenge (I think it was just because of the fact that he ripped his shirt open).

Back at the Mayan ruins, the teams walk through the jungle and might as well be carrying tiki torches for all the originality in this setup. I’m wondering where they’re gonna put the questionnaire screen when Handsome Host announces that there is no quiz smackdown this episode. The two winning teams will decide the one team that goes home. Gasp! OMG!

“Oh. Shit.”

Ha ha, now what are you gonna do?! You can’t study or seduce your way out of this one, Natalie! In their United Nations-level discussion, Sam goes for the jugular and reminds everyone that Natalie and John kick ass in the elimination room. I know it’s unreasonable for me to think that they will send the worst team home (Jen and William) and the one of the best teams will stay (Natalie/John), because there is strategy involved here. But then again, if they really were one of the best teams, Natalie and John would be deciding who goes home, not on the chopping block. I just can’t believe that a moron like Jasmine has made it to the final four while Chez and Joshua, who are both smart and have improved so much, might go home.

It musta been hotter than Hades down in Mexico.

Unfortunately, it’s not the deserving, unwilling and pathetic team that goes home. It’s John and Natalie that will end their journey here in beautiful Mexico. Even Jen and William are pissed that they have to stay. Oh well. At least John became a hottie in the process.

Now I’m gunning for Chez and Joshua now. How about y’all?