Beauty and the Geek: Merl-ughh

Nast.

Okay guys, tonight determined the final pair of teams for next week’s season finale of “Beauty and the Geek.” After all is said and done, I have to admit, I am pretty surprised at the teams that make it. The only way it would have been more surprising is if it had ended up differently. Or the same, but with more scandal. And entertainment.Last week, my favorite team were ousted, and this week all that’s left is Sam/Nicole, Dave/Jasmine, and William/Jen, who I hate so much that I will now declare them my favorite in the hopes that it will get them eliminated. Jen says, “We made it to the final three, I can’t believe it! Like, I’m shocked!” Yeah, Tits McBleachy, we’re all shocked. As they emerge into the crowd of made-its, William declares them the Team That Will Not Die (ain’t it the truth?) and Jen reveals her previously unseen, super-classy tongue ring and wretched tan line.

Tim Gunn might say this is an “unflattering cut.”

Now we know your bottom line, chica. The teams all share a moment of silence in memoriam for Chez and Joshua, and upon this silence Jasmine wonders aloud who is farting? I guess the gang has really grown close over the last few weeks.

Later, after what looks to be a few bottles of wine, Dave and Nicole sit together on a bed making awfully awkward conversation. Dave, whose romantic social interactions never progressed beyond third grade, stammers and tells a sad story involving a girl and a funeral. Way to boost the romance. Nicole just looks like she’s devising a scheme to squirm her way out of this one.

“Do I look like I give a fuck?”

We can all tell what’s coming next. Fortunately, it doesn’t. He chickens out as soon as Nicole remarks that she didn’t date much in high school because “there are better ways to spend your time and money.” Um, I’m sorry, but I’m pretty sure she’s wrong. She must be an anomaly of the human species, thinking that there are better things to do than fuck or try to fuck. Way to let down your genus, genius. Guess we can’t count on you for procreation. Next!

“Dude, I can SEE my OWN FOREHEAD.”

The next morning, Handsome Host strolls in with a bottle of wine. Isn’t it a little early for falling off the wagon? At least wait until 10am, Double-H. William, upon seeing the wine, remarks that he doesn’t like the taste of it, due to its tartness and acidity. Perhaps you should consider drinking something that doesn’t come out of a box, Champ. I advise something that’s difficult to pronounce, paired with a nice goat cheese, maybe a pear and a baguette. H. H. remarks that wine, after it’s been shipped out, continues to mature for years to come, much in the same way that all of these teams will continue to grow after they’ve left the mansion. Thanks, Dad. Let’s go play catch. While he drones on about some team challenge and how they have to work together, blah bitty blah blah, I can’t help but notice Jen and William’s body language.

“Ew, cooties.”

I see they’ve grown a lot during this process. While the teams study their wine materials (which does not include getting crunk, in case you were wondering), Jasmine says, “Do you think it will be some kind of race?” Well, yeah. Considering that every other challenge has been a race of one form or another, I’d say that’s a good guess. Three gold stars for you, Jas! While she prepares, Jasmine lets out a spunky, competitive and feisty side of her that we’ve not seen before. “We’re gonna win!!” she declares breathlessly in her cute koala bear voice. With that attitude, you sure will!

The teams ride a bus to the Beauty and The Geek Vineyards (fancy!). Apparently the show has done so well that it has reached beyond its television grasp and is now conquering the world of Merlot and Chablis. Along the way, William studies aloud, pronouncing Cabernet the same way a backwoods hick says “cabinet.” In a flashing moment of brilliance, Jasmine says, “That’s so silly. Why would you say that? It’s Cab-er-NAY, everyone knows that.” Where did this whiz kid come from? Two weeks ago I would have thought she’d be the one to say it incorrectly. What is happening to this season? Sam is good, William is bad, Jasmine is smart, down is up!

“Our Cabinet Sauvignon has notes of tequila and silicone.”

This challenge is, basically, to complete the entire wine-making process, except for the growing plants part. And the alcohol part. So basically they have to make homemade grape juice. But the twist is that they have to do everything while bound to each other by the feet, waist and arms. Sounds like a rockin’ Saturday night to me. When Jen learns this, she says, “I would rather be tied, to, like, another guy.” Then she laughs that stoner laugh we’ve all come to love (or have grate on our nerves). You are very creative, Tits. Very creative indeed.

“Totes, bro, pass the bowl.”

As Handsome Host calls for the start of the race (Jasmine was right!), each team starts down the mountain looking like couples on a Napa vacay.

“Honey, after dinner can we have a campfire orgy?”

To all viewers’ dismay, nobody eats it on the way down. Nicole slips for a sec, but regains footing gracefully, dammit. Shouldn’t one of the producers have pushed someone or something, just for our benefit? (And for that matter, why don’t they ever do that on “The Hills”? I’d love to see Audrina take a spill outside of Pinkberry. Maybe they’d get an expression out of her face.)

Jas explains how first they each have to fill their bags with 10lbs of grapes. “I’m like, ‘I don’t know what 10 pounds feels like!’ Like, that’s heavy!!” I’ll break it down for you, honey pie. Ten pounds is heavier than a teddy bear but lighter than a beagle.

Your daily dose of “Awwww!”

When Jasmine and Dave get enough grapes and get to stompin’, I realize with utter disgust that each pair is completing this task with bare, unwashed feet that just went traipsing around in dirt, mulch and fertilizer. Well, I would expect nothing less from the Beauty And The Geek Vineyards. This is the same process they’ve used for centuries… or at least hours. The only thing that perks me up from the nausea induced by this realization is the sight of Dave and Jas stomping their hearts out.

You’re doing it wrong.

They pour out the fruits of their labor (no pun intended) and it looks like shitwater to me. Meanwhile, Jen/Will have to go back to the vines because they didn’t get enough grapes the first time around. That’s not what I call teamwork! Luckily they’re pretty funny to watch stomp too. This camera guy always takes full advantage of Jen’s chest investment (inchestment?).

Doing it right

Dave and Jas fill their three bottles and slowly but steadily (and wobbily) make their way down the hill where H. H. awaits them with the news that they are one of the final two teams. After the challenge, everyone gets to go have wine and cheese (hopefully of the goat variety, with some pear) at the top of the vineyard mountain at sunset. It’s awfully romantic until Sam starts trying to drown his sorrows about losing by guzzling wine like it’s Gatorade and sulking like a little pussy.

Dude, don’t you know sorrows know how to swim?

His silent prissy tantrum continues back at the manse, where there’s a note for all to gather in the viewing room for a special video. Hopefully it’s not that after-school movie about the dangers of teen pregnancy. Nope, it’s a montage of each remaining member on their first day. Ah, memories. It seems like it was just a few weeks ago… actually, it WAS just a few weeks ago that all of these goons were set in their stereotypical ways. We get to relive the moment when each person found out who their partner was, complete with everyone’s second thoughts. Dave cringes as Nicole laughs at his formerly dorky (well, dorkier) LARPer self and Sam regains his confidence after seeing several minutes of video footage of his own face and pectoral muscles.

See, this is interesting, because first you have Sam and Nicole, who are, well, whatever. No surprises there. But then you have Jen/William and Dave/Jas, both teams whose geeks vehemently did not want the beauty they got (guess everyone wanted $8,000 Boob Girl). And yet, throughout the course of the season, Dave/Jas learned to work together and even like and appreciate each other, while Jen/William have only devolved further into their mutual hatred and disrespect for each other. In fact, they are the only couple on this season that hasn’t changed one bit. Maybe Jen should have kissed William halfway through the season. A little boner never hurt anyone.

However, it is nice to see how far Jasmine and Dave have come, and even how much Nicole has opened up and Sam has become less of a douche. Like any other relationship, after getting used to each other and getting to know each other’s perks and quirks, each pair has gotten more comfortable and therefore become a better team. It’s good practice for real life. I mean, how much more comfortable can you get than making fart jokes during a moment of silence, right?

Also, I’m not sure how I missed this moment the first time around, but I thought it was worth the screengrab. Insert your own oral sex joke here.

“Suckin’ on my sucker, Suckah”

Later on, Dave helps Nicole study for the elimination round. That’s geek-speak for flirting. He tries to gather the chutzpa to ask her out, but buries his feelings in trivia about Chianti. Outside, Jas tries to get the scoop.

The Last Yenta

Trying to help a brotha out, Jas suggests that if Sam and Nicole make it through, they should all have “a 4-date or something. What’s that called?” A double date, idiot savant. Elsewhere, Nicole is quizzing Sam, who is a shockingly diligent studier, and Jen/William have put their differences aside (finally!) and have together made the decision to go forth and (try to) conquer. They even zip up a suitcase together as a symbol of their solidarity.

“United We Stand”

Jasmine advises Dave about his relationship with Nicole. She advises well. What the hell? I can’t get a good read on this girl. She’s smart, she’s an idiot, she’s observant, she’s a dipshit. I don’t even know her anymore.

She convinces Dave to sprout a pair and ask Nicole out because, as an old sage named Elvis once said, it’s now or never. I know I say this all the time, but please will someone help Nicole dress herself in the morning? And at night? She looks like a wayward señorita.

Que fea

The one thing she ever wore that I liked was her “Reading Is Sexy” tee. It sure is! Can I get a “hell yeah”? Or at least a “So Say We All”?

Anyway, Dave manages to eke out an invitation to an ice cream date and the collective groan of 3 million viewers can be heard ’round the world. That’s fucking precious. Nicole suffers through the proposal and agrees to meet up with him in Boston. Exit Nicole, enter yenta. Jasmine whispers excitedly, “DID YOU TELL HER YOU LIKE HER????” and grills Dave for the deets, while Dave gives said deets in an unnaturally high-pitched voice and with his hands stuffed in his pockets. Totally normal, completely comfortable. No problem.

In the elimination room, Nicole says that she is doing this for her partner. Well hey, then you’re a winner already! What a good sport. First up is the Amazon versus the future Playgirl model.

“Bra, how can you even hope to compete with THIS?”

Jen gets one question right about grape skin. Sam gets one right, a question about the difference between Dionysis and Bacchus, and claims psychic assistance by Nic. Jen gets the next one wrong, a difficult question about wine scientists (who knew there was such a thing?). Sam gets his sip, swish, slosh, slash order correct and there you have it. Does any team win when the first partner comes out on the bottom? Methinks no. William comes out for his turn and admits that it’s his fault that she got it wrong because he kept mispronouncing the word, and mispronouncing it in a way similar to the wrong answer that she chose. WHERE’S YOUR CABERNET NOW, BITCH?

Nicole and William then each get one question right. Still tied. The suspense is killing me! William misses out on a question about Amy Winehouse and I wonder if he’s been living under a rock for the last year. No, just living in a house with a bunch of hot girls he likes to disrespect. Anyway, that seals the deal, Jen and William are FINALLY out of this competition, just as soon as they start to get along. Don’tcha just know it?

So the final two teams are Sam and Nicole and Dave and Jasmine. I never, ever thought Dave and Jas would make it this far, but maybe that’s how they got this far – always under the radar.

Oh, and before I go, remember a couple of recaps ago when I mentioned how weird it was that Sam was wearing that Dark Horse Comics shirt? Anybody? No? Well anyway, both Nicole and William wore it this episode. Weird. Maybe they all got one at ComiCon. Maybe they have some kind of unaired contest each night and the loser has to wear that shirt the next day. Your theories?