It’s once again time for Ashton Kutcher’s “social experiment” where a bunch of “geeks” get teamed up with a bunch of “beauties” in order to learn, grow, have fun, oh and of course win $250,000. It’s Beauty and the Geek 3!And what’s Beauty and the Geek without stereotyping? The show opens with the “geeks” arriving at their lavish mansion riding…scooters. Yes, scooters. Because as you may or may not be aware, all geeks ride scooters. It comes with the territory. One at a time, let’s meet this year’s group of computer-loving, Star Trek watching, non-woman touching geeks:
Piao: He’s 0 for his life when it comes to dating.
Drew: He’s a Trekkie. Enough said.
Niels: He’s smarter than you. And he’s from my hometown. And his name is plural.
Nate: He sings in a Star Wars themed band. Since when was that geeky? He also looks like he’s been living in a cave for quite some time.
Scooter: He went to Harvard. And he can’t dress.
Mario: He loves comic books. And he’s got a tattoo of a Nintendo controller.
Matt: He went to MIT.
Sanjay: He’s a virgin. At least that’s the one word description we get of him.
Now that we’ve met this year’s geeks, it’s time for the “Beauties!” Instead of being mocked by being forced to ride in on scooters, the Beauties arrive by limo. And here they are:
Jennylee: She loves being attractive. And her parents couldn’t think of a human name.
Andrea: She’s a pageant queen. Her shirt is very sparkly. And there’s no way those are real.
Erin: She doesn’t know people actually GO to Harvard. Yes, it’s true.
Tori: She loves thinking she’s awesome.
Nadia: Former cheerleader and current “sorority girl.” Oh, and she dreams of becoming a nuclear physicist. Just kidding.
Sheree: The last book she read was Sweet Value High and clearly not Hairstyles to Make Your Forehead Look Smaller, because dear God that thing is huge.
Cecille: She’s a bikini model and kinda looks like Anna Nicole Smith, except she’s not as smart.
Megan: She’s apparently a Playboy model. I don’t see it.
Now that we’ve met this year’s contestants it’s time to get started!
Our host Brian comes out and tells us all what we already know – the Geeks will be paired up with the Beauties and it’s their mission to bring out their intellectual side and it’s the Beauty’s mission to make the geeks more social. The two groups are separated into two different rooms in order to choose partners. One by one they are able to meet and choose their partner, but can’t see each other. Not that looks are important or anything.
Paio can’t stop grinning when he creepily tells us he hasn’t seen this many attractive women since the last “men’s magazine he flipped through at the 7-11.”
For some reason the girls are surprised. They didn’t expect guys that looked THAT GEEKY! Apparently they thought they were going to be on the Bachelor, Los Angeles. They were wrong. Drew volunteers to introduce himself first and enters the other room where he is paired off with Erin because they both like the adjective fantastic. Meanwhile, I’m just impressed that Erin knows what an adjective is. Andrea is next to cross the hall and introduces herself and gets paired up with Matt. She’s sparkly. Matt tells her he knows 180 digits of Pi. She didn’t realize you can cut it into that many pieces.
Sanjay’s next and does an impression of a blender. It’s about as impressive as it sounds. Tori bites the bullet and they become this year’s ethnic couple. The question remains, which geek will become this year’s surprise hot guy and which girl will become this year’s beauty that hooks up? Cecille’s next and gets paired up with Grizzly Adams, er, Nate. Nate is officially this year’s leading candidate for surprise hot geek, once he comes out of his cave.
Mario introduces himself and after much debate is set up with Nadia. Nadia feels that she was pressured into taking Mario. I’m sure she won’t feel bad about this later. Next up is Jennylee, who tells us she’s an “expert on things I know.” You know, like standing, walking, and…walking. Niels takes her. He’s super excited to talk about cognitive radio and I think the word science physically hurts her brain.
Up next is Scooter and he’s put with Megan, who, if I’m wrong, is missing half her dress. Lastly, Paio is set up with Forehead. I mean Sheree. And there are your couples.
Upstairs, all the couples get to know each other. Erin is vastly unimpressed by Star Truck. Or is it Star Trek? She’s not quite sure of that, or of what her home phone number is either. The big talk upstairs is that none of the geeks know what “getting booty” means. Apparently they all think it’s a reference to pirates. Yaaaar, these guys ARE geeks.
And it’s time for the first challenge! The first challenge takes place at a library, where the girls have to use the Dewey Decimal System and library cards to find three books which will have tasks for the geeks to complete. Library cards? The Dewey Decimal system? What century is this? Where in the past is this library?
The girls go about struggling to find books because, as you may or may not know, the concept of alphabetical order is not as easy as it sounds. Cecille is the first girl done and we learn the three tasks – get a girl’s phone number, have someone rub lotion on your back, and borrow a cell phone to make a quick call. And Nate hits the streets running! If he doesn’t club someone over the head and drag them back to his cave, he should win this thing.
Andrea is the next to get her books and Matt hits the streets running…er…walking. He tells us he doesn’t like running. Next on the street is Scooter and the contest is on! One by one, each Geek makes it outside to partake in awkward tasks like asking random strangers to rub sunscreen on them. Everyone is outside except Sanjay because Tori REALLY doesn’t understand the concept of the alphabet. Hey Tori, C comes BEFORE D. The last book Tori read was clearly not…strike that, I’m not sure Tori is fully literate.
Andrea gets angry that Matt’s not trying very hard, while Nate and Scooter are almost finished. And Nate wins by a beard! Yay! Nate and Cecille are now officially exempt from the first elimination.
Back at the house the cast toasts and learns that there will be no elimination tonight unless they want to leave because “there is a way out…” Ritual suicide? Fleeing on scooter? What could it be?
Unfortunately it’s neither.
Back upstairs the various teams discuss how much they want to stay in the house and how much money it would take to get them to leave. Andrea rails on Matt for a little bit about his lack of running during the competition. Come on Andrea, Matt’s just not used to having to move around without a scooter.
The contestants head back downstairs and each team picks up a baton while Bryan says he’s about to offer them money to leave. If they want to take the cash, they simply let go of the baton. He offers $5,000, then $10,000, then $15,000 and finally $20,000. Meanwhile, Andrea and Matt are just itching to get the hell out of Dodge. $20,000 would buy a nice shiny new scooter and many, many sparkly shirts. After a small discussion they agree to stay. Phew.
Back upstairs, Matt and Cecille get to know each other when Matt lets Cecille turn him into a woman for the evening by getting makeup put on him and having his hair done. The last book Matt read was How to Not Get Laid Anytime Soon. This pisses Andrea off even more, and with good reason. She says “It just shows he can get played by her just like probably thousands of other guys have.” Hey, I’m kinda starting to like this Andrea…maybe she’s not as dumb as she looks…and sounds.
The next morning the Beauties and the Geeks are told their new day’s challenges. The Beauties will have to hold an intelligent conversation on current events. Andrea is not really interested in current events and is “more interested in what’s going on in my life,” namely plastic surgery and casting couch calls. The Geeks meanwhile will have to perform standup comedy.
The girls are given a lot of things to read including Freakonomics. This does not bode well. Andrea does not like reading. Actually none of the girls like reading. And I’m still pretty sure that Tori never learned how to read. I mean, books are like, totally hard and stuff. While the Beauties give up pretty easily on the whole “reading” thing, the Geeks practice hard at their comedy routines. Nate rehearses on the girls outside and builds his confidence up while Sanjay becomes ever concerned because Tori is the first to bed and hasn’t read a thing. Foreshadowing?
The next day we find the contestants at…oh no don’t be true…the Laugh Factory, best known for Michael Richard’s racist tirade. Andrew is first up and bombs horribly with chess jokes, but refrains from calling anyone a racial slur. Scooter’s next and bombs equally as badly. Note to Scooter: jokes about “absolute zero” are not funny.
Next it’s time for the ever-smiling Piao. His strategy is apparently to curse as much as possible and pray it’s funny. Apparently he has read The Michael Richards Guide to Standup. His performance goes over about as well as Richards’ did. Next up is Nate who looks relatively comfortable on stage. He gets several laughs and has easily been the best so far. It’s good when you stick to jokes about things you know about – destroying boulders, making fire, etc. Matt goes next and tells a few jokes found out of some third grader’s joke book and actually gets a few laughs. Niels tells us he loves boobs, Sanjay tells us he’s pro racial profiling, and Mario jokes about playing Super Mario Brothers.
After the crowd makes their vote on who their favorite is, we learn the winner of this challenge – Nate! That’s two in a row for Nate and Cecille and they’re starting to look like the team to beat. I’m still pretty sure Cecille doesn’t know where she is.
Next up it’s time for the Beauty’s challenge. They are taken to a local television station where they’re told they’re going to be interviewing an expert on world affairs – Stephen Dubner, the co-author of Freakonomics, while being judged by a couple of real-life anchors. Tori’s first and she didn’t read any of the book. Tori also doesn’t understand the concept of a teleprompter. Tori, you READ the words on the prompter OUT LOUD. Tori’s interview does not exactly go well as she only discusses parenting – not really the point of Freakonomics. She also gets upset that Sanjay didn’t congratulate her. Congratulate her? For what? Sucking? Not being able to read? Congratulations Tori, you’re possibly the dumbest of everyone in the house.
Megan is next and she also struggles with the prompter. Apparently the word “enigmatic” is not as easy as one might think. Shockingly, her interview also goes poorly. After Megan comes Miss Forehead herself, Sheree. Amazingly, she has read enough of the book to have a mildly intelligent conversation and Paio is blown away by how well she does. Jennylee bombs, then Cecille bombs because she’s used to partying and not having to talk like an intelligent person.
Erin’s interview also does not go so well. She says “Economics is the study of incentives, why is that?” There are so many things wrong with that sentence that I can’t even begin to dissect it. Andrea’s interview lasts about 15 seconds. Nadia’s next and her interview goes okay, hey, she even says “enigmatic” correctly! Mario is proud.
It’s time to pick the winner, and it’s Sheree! Cecille is shocked, SHOCKED that she didn’t win. I’m not.
Afterwards, Sanjay tries to have a discussion with Tori about how he can help her. She finds this insulting, even though Sanjay is only trying to help. Basically, Tori sucks at life. She creates a lot of unnecessary drama, making it inevitable that she’ll be sent to the elimination room.
All dressed up and back in the main hall, it’s time to send teams to the elimination room. Nate and Cecille choose…Sanjay and Tori! Didn’t see that one coming. Sheree and Paio elect to send Erin and Drew. Drew, by the way, is wearing his finest Star Trek outfit. I don’t even know what to say. The Geeks will be tested on things that make women laugh and the Beauties will be tested on current events. Does wearing a Star Trek uniform make women laugh? Or run?
To the elimination room we go. If you’re new to the show, here’s how it goes: each contestant is given a series of questions, whichever team gets the most right stay in the game.
Question 1 to Tori – “What year is the next presidential election?” Tori answers 2006. I’m going to go out on a limb here and guess that Tori doesn’t vote. Or know who the current president is. Or is able to count to ten.
Question 2 to Erin – “What is the currency of Japan?” Erin correctly answers Yen!
Question 3 to Tori – “On Wall Street, what does NYSE stand for?” Tori thinks it’s National Something System. She’s almost right. Wait, no she’s not.
Question 4 to Erin – “Name one of the co-authors of Freakonomics.” She answers correctly!
Now it’s time for the guys. Seems they’ve changed the rules a bit as there are less questions being asked this year.
Question 1 to Sanjay – “What sitcom is based on the life experiences of Chris Rock?” Sanjay has never heard of “Everybody Hates Chris,” and it’s over. Hey, can you really blame Sanjay for NOT watching the CW?
Sanjay and Tori are officially out, which is probably the best thing for him. I think if he had to put up with that wannabe diva for another day he probably would have run her over with his scooter.
Next week on Beauty and the Geek – The guys draw a nude model, the girls give a tour of a museum, Scooter gets some booty, and Nate drags a woman back to his cave. Stay tuned…