Recap: Beauty and the Geek: A Geeky Makeover Story

By Jordan

Before I go into this week’s recap of Beauty and the Geek, I would like to apologize to all of the Pet Shop Boys fans who read these recaps.  I had no idea that the theme song to Beauty and the Geek was an original song from the 80′s.  Please forgive me for not being a Pet Shop Boys Fan.  I will do my best to never make an egregious error like this again.  Thank you.Last week on Beauty and the Geek, the Geeks drew a naked woman, the Beauties gave some of the worst museum tours of all time, and in the end, Sheree’s forehead and Paio were sent packing.

And we open with Matt and Andrea’s triumphant return upstairs.  Matt enters alone to a chorus of cheers because Andrea is highly disliked by all the remaining girls.  Why?  Because she doesn’t have blonde hair of course.  Also, because she might not be a complete dumbass.  Beauties can be so catty.  Andrea enters the room after Matt and the room goes dead silent.  Poor Andrea.  I’m almost starting to feel bad for her.

The next morning everyone meets in the living room where our host Mike tells the Geeks that they’re going to be getting…a makeover!  Hooray!  The ladies on the meantime, will be studying marketing and business…hooray?  For these makeovers, the Geeks will be shopping all by themselves with only the tips they’ve been given by their partners beforehand.  This could get messy.

Nate is worried because he says he takes pride in how he doesn’t conform to society’s standards.  And he’s right because after all, he does look like Homo Erectus. 

Upstairs, the Beauties attempt to give their Geeks tips on what to buy.  Drew wants to buy a watch with a calculator on it.  I used to have one of those.  When I was 11.  Jennylee tells Neils all the things that are “hot,” while Neils is more concerned about buying alligator skin shoes with flames on them.  Now I’m not a fashion expert or anything, but those sound freaking awesome.

In probably the worst moment of the episode, Nate asks Cecille if he can wear anything that will make him sweat less, to which she suggests deodorant.  Nate then informs her, and the entire viewing audience, that he has never worn deodorant before and that he likes to go “au natural.”  Cecille tells us she has no idea what that means, which is not at all surprising.  I’m still pretty convinced that if you gave Cecille a picture of a dog and a picture of the number ten and asked her to point to the number, her head would explode.

Soon, the Geeks are off to buy new clothes.  Matt stumbles around for a while with his usual Matt face, you know, the one where his jaw is attached to the floor.  Matt is starting to remind me of one of those dumb nerds from high school.  Dumb nerds were a lot like regular nerds, except they got bad grades and were just, well, kinda stupid.  Real nerds don’t walk around everywhere with blank looks on their faces like Matt does.

We are then subjected to a montage of Neils trying on jeans with very bizarre music playing on the soundtrack that goes “oh you touch my tra la la, my ding ding dong.”  Is this also a Pet Shop Boys song?  Because it also sucks.  And is kind of creepy.  Neils apparently can’t find tight enough clothing so he decides to start looking for shirts in the women’s section.  I can’t stress enough how much of a bad idea this is.  So in three episodes, so far we know that Neils a) loves boobs and b) wears women’s clothes.  I’m doing my best to pull for Neils since he is from the same city as me, but dammit, this guy needs help.  He ends up picking out this women’s shirt with a fish on it that screams “I am a cross-dressing homosexual.”  Neils tells us the look he was going for was “the coolest guy in the club,” but to me he looks more like “that weird guy in the corner wearing women’s clothing.”  Not quite the same thing.  And again we get the weird “tra la la” song. 

Meanwhile, Mario struggles to find plus-sized clothing that will fit him.  Aw. 

Back at the house, the Beauties lie around at the pool reading their studying materials and discussing who is going to look the best with their new makeover.  Jennylee is excited to see what Nate looks like because she has developed a crush on him.  I’m not sure how you can develop a crush on a guy that never wears deodorant, but I guess he’s the best guy currently available.  I guess she’s attracted to his natural scent.  Yum, body odor.

Next it’s time for the haircutting/waxing/shaving makeover.  And it’s time for a montage.  Say goodbye to Cro Magnon Nate.  I’m going to miss him.

Back at the living room, the Geeks enter one by one to show off their new look to the women.  Neils enters first, with yet another chorus of “you touch my tra la la, my ding ding dong” playing.  This is really starting to creep me out.  The girls however, go wild (as I’m sure they’ve done in the past, numerous times, and on camera).  Neils tells us he looks like “a rock and roll peacock,” and I’m not sure that’s a good thing.  Someone needs to remind Neils that he’s wearing women’s clothing.  I only hope he isn’t also wearing a bra.

Scooter enters next and he actually looks like a completely different person.  Not bad Scooter, not bad.  Drew comes in to yet another chorus of cheers followed by Mario.  Mario doesn’t look much different except he’s not wearing his glasses and his hair is a little shorter.  Matt comes in next and Andrea is all smiles.

Finally it’s time for Nate and Jennylee can’t wait.  Hm, I recall predicting in episode one that Nate was going to get some loving after he cleaned himself up…Nate enters and looks like a completely different person.  Ah, the wonders of evolution.

Mike tells the pairs that tomorrow that the women will be hosting a live charity auction with their partners up for bid, and whoever sells for the most money wins, giving the winning team the power to send two teams to the elimination room.

The teams get together and practice for the auction.  Andrea attempts to get Matt to look like a normal person by showing him how to smile and look less like he’s lost in a department store.  Okay, I officially feel bad for Andrea.  Everyone hates her and her teammate is a complete tool.

Megan makes up a bunch of notes about what to say about Scooter, none of which are true.  “You have a great body, you’re a great kisser, you like yachting.”  No, no, and no.  She should try, “Scooter recently began looking like a human being,” or “Scooter is a level 12 dungeon master.” 

Jennylee teaches Niels how to walk like a man, which is funny since he’s dressed like a woman.  Jennylee should have just given him a pair of heels and some makeup.

In one of the funnier moments of the season, Mario shows Nadia how he won’t start pointing to the audience and how Drew is going to do that.  And we cut immediately to Drew practicing his smooth pointing skills.

The next day, Nate asks Drew if he can borrow deodorant.  You know those Miller Lite Man Law commercials?  Here’s one I propose: don’t let your friends borrow roll-on deodorant.  Gross.  Drew however has no problems with this, and we witness Nate lose his deodorant virginity.  And if things go right between him and Jennylee, we might witness him lose his real virginity as well.  It could be a double whammy for Nate.

Cut to the bachelor auction, sponsored by DENTYNE.  About 40 women sit in the audience, waiting for the auction to start, where these ladies came from, I have no idea.  But I’m guessing a casting agency.  Backstage, Nadia offers Mario some DENTYNE GUM, in what was not a staged moment whatsoever.  That’s DENTYNE.  The best gum ever.  DENTYNE.

Mario ends up being sold for a whopping $10.  I sure hope this charity doesn’t really need money.  Scooter is the next Geek up for sale, and Megan tells the crowd that Scooter speaks “Russian, French, and a little dirty.”  Nice.  Scooter sells for $15. 

Up next is Andrea and Matt.  Matt actually manages to smile and not look like that lost child.  Andrea tells the crowd that Matt just graduated with a 4.7.  A 4.7?  Is that possible?  Doesn’t the scale stop at 4.0?  Is Matt that big of a geek that he’s literally off the charts?  Andrea also mentions that Matt is a virgin, but really, can’t that be said of all these Geeks?  Matt also sells to some poor sucker for $15.

Up next is Drew. Drew speaks English, Spanish, and Klingon.  He can also kill you with the Vulcan Death Grip.  A bidding war begins, and Drew sells for $22.  Nate is on stage next and begins, um, dancing?  It looks more like a full body dry heave.  Nate manages to get sold for $29, to what looks like a prostitute sitting in the back.

Next up is Neils, and AGAIN WE HAVE TO LISTEN TO THIS WEIRD “YOU TOUCH MY TRA LA LA” SONG!  This is really, really freaking me out.  Another bidding war begins and Neils sells for $32 to what looks like a squirrel.  And Neils and Jennylee are the winners!

Next it’s time for another montage of the Geeks on their dates with the “winning” bidders.  Drew’s date asks him what kind of movies he likes and Drew struggles to not start talking about Star Trek.  Herein lies my biggest problem with this show.  It wouldn’t be the worst thing in the world for him to start talking about Star Trek.  It’s like they’re being taught that it’s not at all okay to be themselves.  Sure Star Trek is geeky, but if you like it you shouldn’t be ashamed to admit it.  Anyway, I’m stepping back off the soapbox now.

Most of the dates seem to actually go alright.  Nate’s date who looks like a prostitute freaks me out a little bit though, as does the squirrel that Niels is out with.  The prostitute mentions some study about how babies are attracted to pretty girls and Nate asks how they measure that.  With a babometer, duh.  On the way out, Neils’ squirrel says the need to exchange emails.  The way he’s dressed, they could exchange shirts as well.  Someone really needed to tell Niels that he bought himself a babydoll tee and he looks like a child molester when he is wearing it.

Back at the house, the Beauties are anxious for their Geeks to return.  Upon their return, Cecille sadly says “You guys aren’t geeks anymore.”  Yes they are Cecille, and you are still a dingbat.  Jennylee and Neils spend some time discussing who to send in to the Elimination Room, and she gets really upset when Neils suggests sending in Nate.  She bitches and moans for a while in an attempt to get Neils to feel like an asshole.  Will he pull a Mario and relent? 

Back on the staircase it’s time to find out.  Jennylee makes her speech about “how this is so hard,” blah blah blah, and says she’s putting in, surprise of all surprises, Andrea and Matt.  Next, Neils makes his little speech about how sad he is to send in this team, and he actually begins crying.  Neils – he loves boobs, he wears women’s clothing, and he cries.  Oh, and he also sticks to his guns and announces he’s sending in Cecille and Nate.  At least he’s done something right.

Upstairs, Andrea and Jennylee get into an argument.  Andrea says that even if she leaves, the other girls should try to get to know their guys a little better and worry less about running around the house being all “oh my gosh, oh my gosh.”  Jennylee replies, “don’t tell me I’m running around the house going oh my gosh when you’re sitting around playing chess like a geek.”  Wow.  The stupidest thing said so far this season, ladies and gentlemen.  Isn’t that the “point” of this show?  I’m surprised Andrea didn’t punch her in the face right then and there. 

And it’s time for the Elimination Room, where the ladies will be answering questions first about business and marketing.  Shockingly, Andrea gets BOTH of her questions wrong.  This is not looking good.  Even more shockingly, Cecille gets BOTH of her questions right.  How did this happen?  It all ends when Nate, decked out in a doo-rag (not a good look for him by the way) is correctly able to identify Jay-Z, sending Andrea and Matt home.

And I’m bummed.  Even though Matt was useless, Andrea seemed like she was actually the only Beauty who was a part of this show for the right reasons.  It seemed like in just a matter of days she actually changed a lot, and it’s too bad she got eliminated so early. 

So what did you guys think?  How much longer will it take before Jennylee jumps Nate?  Will Scooter also get some loving now that he looks like a normal person?  And did Andrea totally get shafted or what?