Recap: Beauty and the Geek: Just Give Me Your Goddamn Number!

By Jordan

Have you ever noticed that women will talk to any guy walking around in a park if he has a dog no matter what he looks like?  More serial killers and rapists need to invest in dogs. I think it must be in every woman’s genetic code that if they see a dog they must speak with the owner.  Several years ago I realized that if there’s one thing women love more than dogs, it’s babies.  It’s been scientifically proven that to women, babies are “cuter” than dogs.  So back then I thought up my Rent-a-Baby service in which I would rent out orphaned babies on an hourly basis to men who were trying to pick up women.  I realized that selling children was illegal, but renting should have been no problem.  I was wrong.  As the cuffs went on I thought, “maybe I should have just stuck with dogs.”This week’s episode of Beauty and the Geek reminded me of my old business and what could have been.  One of these days I’ll get it off the ground again, so look for a Rent-a-Baby near you.  Just don’t tell the cops.

Last week on Beauty and the Geek, Cecille’s bad side came out, Jennylee and Nate flirted on a boat, and Niels and Jennylee survived elimination sending Erin and Drew home.  Now only four teams remain and someone’s gonna win 250 grand.

As per usual we open with Niels and Jennylee’s return upstairs.  The Rock and Roll Peacock survives another day! 

Later that night we’re treated to some night-vision footage of Nate displaying his complete lack of player skills.  He sits on a bed with Jennylee rambling about how he can’t believe that she likes him.  I’m pretty sure if Jennylee was completely naked wearing only a flashing neon sign that said “Make a Move, Retard!” he still would have just sat there.  This was near painful to watch.  Jennylee has now gone at least a week without sex, which is probably a record for her and Nate can’t even take advantage.  Sad.  They stand in the hallway and Nate says “See you in the morning.”  Aaaargh.  I realize that Jennylee has come off as a worthless human being, especially since her “I’m cooler than you” comment towards Andrea, but come on Nate.  DO SOMETHING.  Alas, nothing happens.

The next morning the group gathers in the living room to learn their new tasks.  Our incredibly charismatically challenged host Mike tells the teams it’s time to “shake things up a bit.”  “What does that mean?” inquires Nadia.  She’s not so good with expressions.  Or counting.

Mike says they’re going to add a member to each team.  Who could it be?  Eliminated contestants?  The cast of Star Trek?   Nate’s old caveman buddies?  No.  Instead Mike introduces a group of…dogs.  In trot a chihuahua, a daschund, a golden retriever, and my personal favorite breed, an English bulldog.  Each team will choose a dog that will be a part of their next challenge.  Nate and Cecille take the Taco Bell dog, Niels and Jennylee the bulldog, Nadia and Mario the retriever, and Scooter and Megan the hot dog.

Cecille, in her infinite wisdom tells us that chihuahuas aren’t like dogs, they’re like babies and they should be treated like babies.  I pray to God that this woman never gets pregnant.  I’m guessing the odds of that though are highly unlikely.

The Geeks will be taking the dogs to a park and will have to get women’s phone numbers, using the dogs as bait.  Yes, I’ve definitely seen this trick used in the past…but I’m telling you, babies work much better.  Mike continues and takes out a tool chest and the following exchange is heard:

Mike: This is a tool chest, and shocker, it contains tools.
Nadia:  What are tools?
Cecille:  What’s shocker?

Come on Cecille, I think we all know that you know what the shocker is.  Two in the pink, one in the stink?  No? 

Mike says that they’ll be building their own “doggy domicile.”  Megan asks, “What’s domicile?”  Officially, none of these women have a strong grasp of the English language.  What are tools?  What’s domicile?  How did I get here?  Why are there cameras?  

Megan tells us that “I’m really confident in this next challenge cause I’m a super good screwer.”  At this point, I don’t even know if she realizes what she’s saying anymore or if she just intentionally made a joke.  Either way she’s still a dumbass.

The teams grab their study materials and their dogs and head upstairs where the chihuahua immediately shits on the floor.  Megan wants to put perfume on her dog because “if perfume has been tested on animals, it’s okay to use on animals.”  Someone alert PETA.  She also wants to wash the dog’s mouth with mouthwash.  Now I’m hoping that none of these women become mothers OR pet owners.

Cecille then decides it’s time to make her chihuahua look even stupider than it already does by putting about a dozen bracelets around its neck.  Nate, who finally decides it’s time to stand up to Cecille, puts his foot down and takes the bracelets off.  It should be noted that they were on the dog’s neck so tight that he has to use a pair of clippers to get them off.  Good thing they got that tool chest!

Niels talks to Jennylee about how to get a girl’s phone number and seems to think that asking for directions to Starbucks is the way to go.  The way his hair still looks I think he’d be better off asking for directions to the zoo.  Jennylee is as unimpressed by his plan as I am.

And to the park we go! The Geeks will have to get as many numbers as possible in an unspecified amount of time.  This entire scene was almost too painful to watch.  From my experience there are only two groups of people in the world who can approach a woman and blatantly ask for their phone number without even bothering to you know, start a conversation first.  The first are movie stars (after all, this is LA), and the second is me (because I’m just that good-looking).  Okay, so that second part wasn’t true.

Niels pulls out his Starbucks line on some lady who must be in her 50′s, and she points him to the corner before walking away in a state of confusion.  Mario takes the strategy of trying to STOP JOGGERS to talk to them.  “Hey, wanna stop running and pet my dog??”   He better rethink this strategy.

But I think the worst strategy of all has to go to Scooter.  Scooter aimlessly walks around the park and apparently speaks only to women over the age of 70, including one poor old lady with a cane.  She was probably wondering whether it was her dementia or if some goofy 20 year old was actually coming on to her.  Even Megan is creeped out and says “The median age that Scooter was trying to pick up was 50 or 60.”  Honestly, I’m just shocked that she knew what ‘median’ meant.

Eventually, Mario changes his approach and starts telling girls that he’s new to the city and just trying to meet some new people.  This strategy apparently is successful as he gets three numbers almost immediately even though one girl said “how bout I give you my sister’s phone number?”  I don’t think this one should have counted because she might as well have said “Why don’t I just give you a fake phone number?”  Whatever.  Nate sees what’s going on and decides to piggyback on Mario’s scores, which leads to a really uncomfortable scene where Mario runs over and begins demanding phone numbers.  It reminded me a little bit of that scene in Dumb and Dumber when Lloyd is on fire and shouts ‘JUST GIVE ME YOUR GODDAMN NUMBER!”  Yeah, not good.

Scooter finds a couple of middle-aged Russian women and starts speaking Russian to them, but they’re not really interested in giving out their phone numbers.  Soon after, Mario harasses a middle-aged woman who at first seems incredibly angry that he’s bothering her but eventually gives him her number.  Why?  I have no idea.

It’s coming down to the wire as Mike shouts “Five more minutes to get those digits!”  Yeah, that shouldn’t creep out every single person walking around the park. 

We get the results and the winner, with seven numbers, is Nate!  Cecille is safe once again and I want to punch myself in the face.

Back at the house, Jennylee expresses her frustration with Niels about how much he sucked at the challenge.  Niels explains that he felt dirty about asking for phone numbers and is once again, on the verge of tears.

Throughout the house, the women practice their construction skills and the next morning they head to a workshop (or “sweatshop” as Cecille puts it) where they have to build a dog house.  They only have one hour to take a group of materials and turn it into a fully decorated dog house.  Their judge is the owner of the shop, some “designer” named Doug.  I’m not going to lie, this seems like a fairly difficult challenge.  Only an hour to construct a dog house and decorate it doesn’t seem like a whole lot of time, especially when you don’t know the difference between a hammer and a tomato.

The women struggle, struggle, and struggle some more as they attempt to get the walls together.  Cecille struggles the most until she gets the bright idea to stick the walls together with double-sided tape.  Yeah, that should keep it together for at least 20 minutes.  She says “I don’t know the life expectancy of double-stick tape but probably longer than my dog’s life.”  Yeah, especially if your dog ever goes inside the doghouse. 

As it comes down to the wire, only Jennylee and Megan appear to have their houses in order.  Through the magic of editing, everyone is transported back to the house where their houses are judged on the lawn.  Something smells rotten in Denmark here though as all four houses appear to be standing and completely decorated.  How did this happen?  Even Cecille’s ugly pink house doesn’t fall apart as it rests on the lawn. 

Cecille seems to think that her house is “classy not trashy,” but “design professional” Doug disagrees.  She also says she’s “allergic to metal” which is why she used double-stick tape instead of nails to which Mario snarkily states “there’s metal in her body.”  Good one, Mario!  Doug seems to like Jennylee’s house, but since Megan managed to attach shingles to her roof she is declared the winner.  This automatically puts Jennylee, Niels, Mario and Nadia in the Elimination Room.

That night we’re treated to some more night-vision Nate and Jennylee flirtation.  But this time Nate finally makes a move!  Thank Christ.  They spend some time kissing but I don’t want to make any assumptions as to what else might have happened.  Did Nate lose his virginity?  We may never know.

The next day the teams study for the Elimination Room, where Jennylee seems a little bit too concerned about leaving Nate.  It’s almost sincere.  I think at this point she’s probably forgotten that men exist outside of the walls of the mansion as well.  Even men who wear deodorant!

And to the Elimination Room we go where the Geeks will be tested on dating and the Beauties on construction.  Both Nadia and Jennylee go a perfect two for two leaving it all up to the Geeks. 

Niels answers both of his questions correctly, leaving all the pressure on Mario to answer the last question – “What is the term that refers to your date duplicating your body language or adopting your speaking rhythm?”  It’s a tough question, and Mario incorrectly answers “mimicking” when the right answer is mirroring.  It’s a tough loss and I almost feel bad for the guy.

Next we get the usual montage of Nadia and Mario on their course throughout the competition.  I liked these guys, they seemed to get along well and Nadia actually seemed like she wasn’t a complete moron when she actually studied.

We’re down to three teams on Beauty and the Geek – Niels and Jennylee, Nate and Cecille, and Scooter and Megan.  Who do you guys want to win?