Scavenger Hunt By Numbers

With just one week to go before the season finale, I was hoping Beauty and the Geek would pull out all the stops, maybe try and build some tension for next week’s episode. Boy, was I wrong. Really, the only highlight of this episode was seeing Josh simulate the missionary position with Cher. (Anyone remember missionary? Bueller? Bueller?) Unfortunately, screen grabs of simulated geek-sex don’t pay the bills, so join me as I try to somehow put a thin patina of shine on this turd. At the very least, you’ll get to see another shot of Josh dry-humping Cher. Let’s hope she’s wearing underwear this time. This week’s episode starts off how every episode starts off, with the winners of last week’s challenge returning to the fold. When asked how well they did, Cher tells them it was 4-1, so they know she went three-for-three again. Joe tells us that if anyone can beat Cher and Josh, it’s he and Brittany. But even that would be a Herculean task. (“Hercules Hercules Hercules!” Ah, Rickey Smith, how we miss you…)

Josh describes his grandmother’s “HUGE tracts of land.”

Downstairs, Host Mike Richards welcomes the final three teams. “To get this far,” he tells them, “you’ve had to climb out of the world you’re used to living in, and immerse yourselves in another.” And somehow or other, this is supposed to relate to maps, which is the theme for this week’s challenge. The Beauties will have to learn how to read a map, while the Geeks will have to learn the map to a woman’s heart. Basically, this means they have to study three catalogs full of girly-girl stuff like shoes, purses and jewelry. It’s supposed to teach them how important it is to pick the perfect gift and how that ability is the key to romance, but in reality it just reinforces the stereotype that pretty girls are shallow and materialistic. Brittany, Cher and Jennipher, meanwhile, reinforce the stereotype that they’re also dumber than a box of hair.

The players also get a special box containing a video camera and instructions to create a special video message for their partners. Finally, Josh will get to make Cher the snuff film he’s only been dreaming of to this point. Or maybe that’s my dream…

Right away, Jennipher marches over to Ankur and tells him he’d better make a sweet video for her, and not something silly, because it will mean a lot. So of course Ankur starts his video off with a somersault. He’d planned to follow this move by a triple salchow, but just then Tonya Harding busted his knee with Brian Boitano’s shinbone, then ate Scott Hamilton’s face with some fava beans and a nice Chianti. Or was that my dream too…?

When Brittany heard the challenge was about maps, she was all excited. And stuff. “I’m a senior in college,” she says, “and once I almost got a 100 on an African map quiz, so I was hoping our map challenge would have something to do with Africa.” Too bad the show takes place in Los Angeles. Although how cool would it be to see Brittany and Joe travel to Africa on The Amazing Race?

Jennipher is trying to teach Joe and Ankur about jewelry, telling them that while diamonds are the best, colored diamonds are the ultimate. Joe thinks the fact that diamonds are a girl’s best friend is really impersonal, and that a girl’s best friend should be a puppy. After all, a man’s best friend is a dog. And at least a dog can “interact back”. “What’s a diamond going to do?” he asks, before acting out a conversation between a woman and her diamond that revolved around each telling the other they’re quite “sparkly.” Seriously.

After imparting her vast knowledge of all things hardened-coal, Jennipher tells Ankur she’s ready for a nap. Which of course pisses Ankur off. “Every time she opens a book, she wants to take a nap,” he kvetches. On the plus side, at least she opened the book. All Cher wants to do is lay in the sun. While Josh is trying to study with her, she asks him to move because she’s getting too much of his shade. At that, Josh picks up his stuff and goes to study with Joe and Brittany, knowing full well this will upset Cher. When she tells him to come back and study with her, Josh tells Joe and Brittany he’s not going to do it, because he’s “nobody’s bitch.” He’ll go down there when he wants to go down there. Before coming to the house, he’d have done whatever someone who looked like Cher told him to. (As would all geeks.) But now, he has a backbone and he’s going to stand up to her. This lasts for all of about three seconds. But, he assures Joe and Brittany, those three seconds were more than enough to show her who’s boss. It’s just too bad Cher has the memory of a goldfish, because 30 seconds later she’s forgotten the valuable lesson Josh taught her and once again is treating him like her bitch.

After dinner, the contestants are told to gather in the library. Host Mike Richards is nowhere to be found, but there is a TV set up. This can’t be good. Instead of a challenge, it looks like everyone will get to see everyone’s personal tapes. Bet Ankur’s regretting his “Little Ankur” puppet show now. This whole segment is pretty boring, except when Cher says Josh’s tape was the best present she’s ever gotten. If only she weren’t cursed with fish memory, she’d have remembered how happy she was testing negative for Hep-C last month.

The next day, all the teams gather on top of a garage somewhere. Host Mike Richards greets them and explains today’s challenge: a modified scavenger hunt. Since there are only three teams left, it will be a team challenge. The winning team is assured a spot in next week’s finals, while the two losing teams will face off in the Elimination Room. In this week’s challenge, the Beauties have to circle an item they’d like to receive as a gift from three different store catalogs. The Geeks must go to the store and try to figure out which gift they think their Beauties picked. To complicate matters further, the Beauties have to use a map of Los Angeles to tell their driver how to reach the store, with no help allowed from the Geeks. Once the Geek picks the right gift, he’s given an envelope with the name and address of the next store, which he gives to the Beauty, who has to tell the driver how to reach the next store, where the Geek will try and guess the next gift. It sounds more complicated than it is. More interesting, too.

Worst. Shoe Store. Ever.

Cher doesn’t have any problem finding the first store, and Josh is able to pick the correct gift in less than five minutes. Josh attributes his performance to help from the goddess of shoes. Brittany, meanwhile, is a little concerned, as she’s terrible with directions: “North, south, east, west… I don’t understand that.” Still, she figures out the map and gets to the shoe store not long after Cher and Josh. Unfortunately, Joe has really pissed off the goddess of shoes, and he takes a bit longer to find the right pair. Will Ankur and Jennipher catch up and move into second place? In a word, hellno. Jennipher can’t find anything in the map book and has no idea what to do. Ever the optimist, however, she tells Ankur to smile: “At least we don’t have cancer. We don’t have AIDS.” I’d love to hear how she’d cheer up Ankur if he had AIDS. “At least we’re not lost trying to find a shoe store.” Eventually, she starts giving the driver random directions.

Jen REALLY hates maps.

At the next store, the Geeks have to pick the purse they think their Beauties chose. Once again, Josh takes just a few moments to pick the right gift. Obviously, Josh’s love affair with his murse has caused the purse gods to look favorably upon his quest. Joe still isn’t that far behind, but again takes just a little longer than Josh. Will he be able to make up time in the last store? Will Jennipher and Ankur catch him? In a word, fuckno. Thanks to her random directions, Jennipher has had the driver take them right back to Universal Studios, which is where they started out.

Do NOT touch The Brittany.

Finding the final store is a bit trickier, and Cher and Brittany both have trouble locating it. Eventually, Cher and Josh find it first. In this store, the Geeks have to pick an entire set of jewelry. On the way to the store, Josh trips and falls up the stairs. Normally, I’d make fun of this, but I did the same thing this morning, and now my toe hurts. So I’m letting Josh off the hook, as he’s obviously been blessed by the stair gods. Just as he’s leaving, Joe enters the store, which means the race is far from over.

With Josh back in the car, Cher tells her driver to “Go go go, faster faster faster!” Doesn’t she know that cab drivers only understand “Rapido rapido rapido!”? Brittany, meanwhile, says the final leg of the race reminds her of “that one movie, Beverly Hills 90210, with the girl scouts at the end in the forest…” That’s just what I was thinking.

Both teams make it to the mansion within a few seconds of each other, but Josh and Cher win a foot race to the finish line. To celebrate, Josh follows Cher’s treasure trail on a little scavenger hunt of his own. At least that’s what it looked like, until Cher tossed him off her. (Hehheh, I said Cher “tossed him off.”) That means Cher and Josh are guaranteed a spot in the finals, and Joe and Brittany will have to face Jennifer and Ankur in the Elimination Room. Host Mike Richards takes his leave, telling the two teams to break the news to Jennipher and Ankur should they ever make it back.

You’re gonna need to put some ice on that.

Speaking of Jennipher and Ankur, they still haven’t even found their first store. Jennipher is stammering so much she sounds like Bill Cosby. Maybe they should have her try to find some pudding pops. At the mansion, Brittany’s worried about them because it’s dark out and she doesn’t know how Jennipher will be able to look at the maps in the dark. Eventually, they finish the task and make it back to the mansion, so I guess Jennipher deserves props for not giving up. Well, maybe just one prop. After all, she still can’t spell her name.

Since there’s a chance she’ll be going home after the next Elimination Room, Jennipher decides to take advantage of what might be her last opportunity to confront Cher about her attitude toward Ashton Kutcher’s great social experiment. (And I’m not talking about his marriage to Demi.) While Cher admits she came into the house for the wrong reasons, her time in the house has taught her something, and now she really wants to win for the right reasons. I’m not buying it.

Some captions just write themselves.

While picking out what to wear for the Elimination Chamber, Jennipher tells Ankur the blue vest he’s selected makes him look like he works at a gas station. I think it looks more like a Wal-Mart vest, so let’s split the difference and say he looks like he pumps gas at Sam’s Club. Jennipher says she feels she has to do well in the Elimination Room to make up for how poorly she did in the map challenge. But since Brittany and Joe have never been in the Elimination Room, maybe they have can use their experience to pull out a victory. Then again, maybe not, as Jennipher doesn’t know the sun rises in the east and sets in the west. She also thinks that GPS stands for Ground Patrol System. So much for doing well. Especially since Brittany gets all three of her questions right, putting them behind 3-1.

Commercial break: Can anyone explain this to me?

Geeks’ turn. Joe misses his first question about Naked-Lady-on-a-Horse chocolates. Ankur gets his first question right. Next, Joe is asked what gift you should buy for someone’s 25th anniversary. Silver is his correct answer. And here I thought it was oral pleasure. Or maybe blueberry pancakes? I’m always getting those two confused. Then, despite saying there’s no amount of reasoning that can help him guess what color diamond Ben Affleck bought for Jennifer Garner, Ankur reasons his way to the correct answer. (Pink, if anyone cares. I know I don’t.) If Joe gets the next question right, he and Brittany win. He picks question two, because Brittany’s birthday is the 2nd. Across the hall, Brittany wonders why Joe comes up with such cheesy reasons. Mabye Brittany should quit her bellyaching, as Joe’s stategy pays off with a question he can answer: the four qualities diamonds are judged by (cut, clarity, carat and color). That means he and Brittany win, and get to face Cher and Josh next week in the finals.

And just as every episode does, this one ends with a silly little montage of Jennipher and Ankur’s time together in the house. The only interesting thing is when Ankur says his time in the house has taught him that everyone provides their own value to society. Everyone Host Mike Richards, of course. Ankur hates that little bitch.

So, is it just me or was this week’s episode really lame? And who do you think will win next week?