Okay, kiddies, this is it. Our social experiment has come to a close. Tonight is the season finale of Beauty and The Geek. Can you stand the excitement? Have the last several weeks of tension, cattiness and drama proved too much for your weak stomach? What do you mean, no drama except for one time when two people made out in front of someone? Oh yeah, this season was real boring. Well, let’s all raise a glass to the final episode. Thanks for not much.
A title comes up right off the bat that announces it’s the night of elimination. Wow, we’re jumping right in, eh? It must be one grueling hour of really tough questions, such as, “If Paris Hilton makes six sex tapes with four partners, how many sex tapes does that total?” I would hope that at least Sam could answer that one.
The pairs descend the mansion stairs in their Sunday best and Handsome Host tells Dave and Jasmine that no one expected them to make it this far. Hell yeah, that hits the nail on the head! I couldn’t even believe Jasmine got on the show as a beauty, with those skunk highlights. He also says that no one expected the show’s first male beauty/female geek team to make it so far. And I say, yeah, except ALL of us. I would have put money on that during the first episode. They need those two to keep it interesting.
But don’t get too comfy! This game is changing again! It must be the Return of Saturn for “Beauty and the Geek.” This time, the winner will not be decided by a final elimination round. OMG, dudes. Then what ever will they do? I sure as hell can’t guess (especially after seeing the horrid past season of “The Apprentice”).
Another title fades up over black with a scary ghost-breathy sound effect that reads, “Three Days Earlier.” Ooohhh, non-linear style. Crazy! Who directed this episode, Quentin Tarantino? I’m not exactly sure why they decided to go with Halloween-sounding audio effects, because this show is anything but scary. In fact, it just shows us all how good people can be when they get past their stereotypes. But okay, I’ll roll with it.
So it’s three days earlier, and the final two teams meet in the study, which now seems so large and empty without a slew of girls in low-cut shirts and guys with pocket protectors. Aww, I really miss Joshua. H.H. announces that now each team gets to know each other in a different light, ’cause they all get to go to their hometowns with each other.
As the couples pack up and look forward to their trip home, Jasmine expresses her profound desire to go shopping. Well, I can understand that. If you’re addicted to something (I completely sympathize, I am afflicted with shopaholicism myself), this must have been a rough road to travel alone. No credit cards to swipe, no cash to throw about. It must be hard. Endearingly, both teams critique each others’ wardrobes and pick out outfits for each other to wear when they meet their respective families.
The first town to which we arrive is Bahstin, home of Dave, Nicole, the Red Sox and one of the greatest sitcoms in history. First we get to meet Dave’s slew of LARP-ing friends, and they’re exactly as you’ve been picturing them in your mind.
A cluster of bearish-looking fatties. Okay, they’re not “fatties,” but let’s just say Dave’s the svelte one of the group. Dave brings Jasmine ’round proudly, like a young man showing off his new Russian mail-order bride, and she greets them pleasantly wearing a refined, fetching candy necklace.
She’s like a cartoon koala princess gone awry.
Again, she voices her craving for a shopping expedition, but no such luck with Dave ‘N’ Co. They’re goin’ a-LARPing today. They find an open field and lug out their extensive collection of homemade fencing equipment. One chick even has a suitcase full of game gear. The boys suit up in faux armor and bow/arrow combos and the ladies don flower crowns and bustiers, and yes, they basically look like a bunch of Ren-Faire rejects.
And you thought there were no rejects.
One chick (I’ll just call her Mary) invents a whole story for Dave and Jasmine about working for the queen, whose daughter is sick. She whips out her sword and warns ominously, “We should be very quiet. There could be DANGEROUS THINGS.” Jas looks appropriately freaked out.
“Like a throng of weirdos coming at me with wooden swords?”
They stalk around the park as though in a dark forest, and in the light of day it seems pretty goddamn ridiculous. I have to really give them props for committing to the character. These people have serious imaginations. Who cares if it stems from a complete lack of emotional maturity?
“Be vewy qwiet. We’re wabbit hunting.”
After Dave’s compelling fake death scene, he loses every ounce of cool he’s gained since living at the mansion. Contact lenses do not a stud make.
Across the country, in Davis, California, we welcome the return of Sam-urai.
“My eyebrows alone can Judo-chop you!”
He’s showing Nicole around his hometown, and would anyone care to guess at their first stop? My guess would have been a liquor store or a male strip club (that’s where he works, right?) but no, it turns out to be my third guess, the gym.
These two crazy kids argue the virtues of exercise endorphins versus chocolate endorphins while Nicole attempts (and just about pulls off) a gynecologist joke on one of the weight machines.
Finally, some real action on this show.
Next up, Nicole, wearing an unfortunate purple/orange color combination, accompanies Sam to a bar around what looks like 2 or 3 o’clock in the afternoon. They meet up with some of Sam’s buddies (who appropriately all wear the button-down shirt/khakis uniform and stiffly hold their beers with a polite smile frozen on their faces) and Sam’s brother, “Tequila” Joe. Throw a pair of glasses on him and he could have been one of the made-over geeks.
Now THAT would have been a team. After a “small” Tequila tasting session, the boys get wild with what they call “The Matrix Dance.” I’ll let you figure it out.
I don’t get it.
Next we go back to Bahstin, Tufts University to be exact, to get a peek at Nicole’s life outside of the manse. Because she’s a musicology major, Nicole finds an empty auditorium and decides to serenade Sam. That’s fine but please, no more ’90s techno.
She’s actually rather good, despite her facial twitching, and Sam looks (or at least acts) quite enchanted.
“I’ve gotta get me some of that opera ass.”
Later they meet up with Nicole’s roommates, and considering the way Nicole used to dress herself, it all makes sense. There’s a Geeky Asian, a Hippie, and a Lesbian.
Oh wait, that one’s not a boy? Make that a Hippie, a Lesbian, and a Geeky Asian Lesbian. I wonder which of these categories Nicole fits into? I don’t think she’s a hippie.
Last but obviously never least is Jasmine and her fam in Columbus, Ohio. When she and Dave arrive at her house, Jas’ mom and sister open the door with equally squeaky, squealy voices as Jasmine.
It’s like a pack of squirrels fighting over their favorite acorn.
It’s really cute to see Jasmine in her natural environment, and how close she is to her sister (who’s a jock, the complete opposite of Jasmine, except in looks, in which case, they’re nearly identical). They finish each other’s sentences and giggle simultaneously. The family indulges Jas’ narcissism by perusing photos of her throughout her entire life, and then we get to meet the kids that Jasmine baby-sits, which is pretty boring save for the return of Dave gymnastics.
Pssst. A headstand doesn’t work if you have a jumping start.
This is also the same time we learn that Dave is 28. TWENTY-EIGHT. Dude, put down the light saber and get to growin’ up.
Back in La-La Land, the kids are back in the stereotype bubble and we see Sam and Nicole wake up together, spooning. Ka-WHA?
Did I miss a plot point?
While the teams study “each other” as preparation for the final elimination, Jasmine dons her glasses, I can only assume as a symbol of her true transformation.
Yeah, I don’t know how to do “squared” on a keyboard. So I’m used to doing all of my mathematical equations on paper, so sue me. Anyway, all of Jasmine’s signals of change, symbolic or not, seem to disappear as she mispronounces “familiarity” four times in a row, differently each time. Oh well, you can’t fight City Hall. Or cellular brain growth.
Each team reflects upon their levels of personal change throughout the competition, and while Dave makes drunken analogies to atomic elements, Sam and Nicole think about how far they’ve come since these two moments:
“I’m Princess Inexplicably Neverlaid!”
I mean, come on. He’s a stripper, right????
It certainly has been a journey. As they prepare for their final dinner together, the girls get gussied up, Jasmine plumps her boobs up into her dress, Dave dons a suit, and Sam applies an extra layer of Aquanet to his coif. Afterward, Dave feels the need to have yet another touching moment with Jasmine. It seems like he’s been making up for all of the lost opportunities for touching moments with this chick. He gives her a little speech about how happiness is more important than money, and gives her an authentic Chinese happiness bracelet to prove it.
Okay, now THIS is it. We’ve finally circled back to the “night of elimination” title card and after a recap of H.H.’s twist speech, we learn that it is AMERICA who will decide the winner of this season! GASP! Oh my God, that was easier to see coming than Ron Jeremy. The teams will have one chance only to make asses of themselves by pleading to America to vote for them and give them quarter of a million smackeroos. As we’ve come to expect, the teams prepare and the geeks are way uptight and overly organized about their speeches, while the beautes decide to wing it and “speak from the heart.” Wow, I haven’t heard that one since the Johnny Dakota episode of “Saved By The Bell.”
Anyway, the teams both give CW viewers their best “gimme gimme” pouts, and Nicole even gives her best Joker smile.
Make Jack Nicholson proud.
I think both teams could have used a little dose of the ol’ water works, but maybe that’s just me. So there you have it. It’s still not over. NEXT week will really be it. For Christ’s sake, CW, you’ve squeezed all of the drama possible out of this fruit, LET IT GO. Anyway, I’ll see you kids next week to tell you who wins, but in the meantime, I’ll leave you with further evidence of the shirt phenomenon.
Looks like Dave lost last night’s drinking contest.