Beauty and the Geek: What A Waste of $8,000

Tonight on Beauty and the Geek, as our stereotyped contenders moved into the house and got to know each other better, we learned why weed should be legal and how to fight stupid with stupid, in addition to seeing the nerdiest rappers since Snow burst onto the scene, oh so many years ago.

We find our bevy of beauties ‘n’ geeks in the exact same position as when we last saw them, and now they get to choose their rooms. It causes quite a commotion as each girl runs to different rooms and each guy chases after them, hoping against hope that they’ll get to share a bed, possibly covered in “Star Wars” bed sheets. Oh come on. Don’t pretend like you didn’t have them back in the day.

“Hot” guy is most disappointed in his room, as he walks amongst the pink-covered walls and wonders aloud, “are these MY glasses?” Nerdy chick has to explain to him that no, he’s the beauty, and politely hands him the tiara. He promptly puts it on backwards. Way to start a trend, Hunky! It’s like when the Fresh Prince started wearing his hats to the side. That was dope!

“Yo, home, to Bel-Air!”

By the way, Mr. Beefcake? Something tells me he’s a little… how shall we say it… limp-wristed? Maybe it was the lisp in his voice when he said, “Nicole jussst issssn’t the type of perssson I usuallllly hang out with.” Maybe it was his sleeveless muscle tee. Maybe it was the cock hanging out of his mouth when he thought the camera wasn’t on him. I’m not sure, I just get this sense. Meanwhile, Nicole is flaunting the obvious, wearing hideous sweater vests and shirts proclaiming her love for nerds. Yeah, we get it! You’re wearing glasses, therefore, you’re dorky! I smell one “She’s All That” moment coming up where Miss Bickerstaff here gets contacts and she’s suddenly hot. I am prepared to be less than amazed.

Over at LARPer-central, Jasmine is hogging all of the free shwag by wearing both the crown AND the glasses. The LARPer, however, crushes all of her dreams by revealing that she was his last choice for a partner. Her face falls as she verrrrrry slowly comprehends what this means.

“These glasses don’t make me smart?”

Elsewhere in the house, Tits McGee, whom you may remember for being proud of her very expensive assets, is making herself at home and giving the editors plenty to work with for time fillers.

“What boobs? Where?”

Down in Jacuzzi, Sam (oh yeah, that’s the “beautiful” man) is waxing poetic about how great it feels to be muscular and have people look at you when you walk in a room. It probably helps that you’re the only person wearing neon hot pants and a mesh tank top when you walk into that room. Over in the corner, David awkwardly hugs a towel against his pasty, chubby body and remarks, “I’m… not…. really…. in shape.” Really? Couldn’t tell that from your man-boobs. However, it does occur to me that having this wrench thrown into the equation of hot guy/geeky girl likely changes the dynamic among the group, because before, at least the geeky guys were surrounded by fellow dweebs. Now they know all the ladies are looking at this hunk of meat, who throws off the curve completely. “Guys like Sam have always gotten by on their looks,” Katie says without a trace of irony. “And their big muscles….” She trails off and I’m pretty sure her dazed expression also says, “… and luscious lips… and giant dicks…”

It’s the same with the ladies though, except it’s just this one poor girl who gets to feel self-conscious about her body, face and fashion among the tarts. I somehow doubt all of the beauties feel insecure around Nicole and her giant, bouncy brains.

The next morning, the contestants get their first challenge. The beauties will have a debate match, while the nerds get to have a rap-off. OOHHHHHHH! So THIS is why I saw J-Wahl attempting to rap on MTV a few weeks ago. The girls get a little panicky about what tough questions might be asked, and Jasmine confesses, “I, like, know nothing about anything, like, the only thing I know is that Bush is president. And that’s about it.” And you’re probably one of the dumbasses who voted for him. Thanks, Beauty. Luckily, Jasmine should be fine helping her partner rhyme because of her extensive background in cheerleading. It should be easy, right?… um, right?? “Well, you like stars, so you could be like…. ‘the stars are shiny’….” she says, beginning an apparently unfinishable rhyme. I guess “shiny” is like the word “orange.” Uncomfortable pause, followed by LARPer muttering that he’ll just treat being a rapper like a LARP character and really, really get into it, to the point of being creepy, socially awkward, and unable to relate to non-rappers.

Elsewhere in the house, Tony and Amanda are practicing, and by practicing I mean she’s trying to think of a rap for him and he’s huddled in the confession booth saying nonsensically, “I mean, TONY! Fifty Cents! G-Unit!!!” and something about how he’s building a wall between them, blah blah blah. Come on, buddy. It’s only the first challenge. You can’t distrust her already. But by the commercial break, she’s wandering away, grumbling, “Start doing something. I don’t care.” Well, that didn’t take long.

“Maybe if I hide behind this hip-hop document, she will not see me.”

The Rap-Off (or “Rap Attack” as Handsome Host tells us) takes place at Mint, and as the group walks in, Three 6 Mafia is doin’ their thang onstage, instantly causing the geeks to shit their pants and the beauts to puddle their panties.

“Gadzooks, real gangsters! Wait a second, why am I wearing both glasses AND sunglasses?”

First up are the switch-hitters, and Nicole starts “Wooo-hooo”ing and shouting commands for everyone to smell her money. Ka-wha-???? All I know is, no one should put a set of fake pearls with a vest with a striped shirt with an ugly skirt with a “Blossom” hat. Fer serious.

Where is Stacey London when you need her? For Christ’s sake!

But even though she’s flat-chested, put in a group with boys, surrounded by gorgeous girls and refuses to wear makeup, no one wants her to feel any less like a woman, so the Three 6 guys shout at her to turn around and show off her booty. At least she can still be objectified, regardless of her intelligence level!

We now interrupt this program for the most misleading screengrab of the day.

“Just relax, let Mama do her work…”

Thanks, Chez! Joshua actually doesn’t do too bad. I mean, he’s no Tupac or anything, but he did revere his lady as a “Caramel Cutie.” Now that’s sweet! David, however, doesn’t fare as well, and his girl Jasmine has to try to save the day by displaying her ability to dance in very little clothing. “I really like shaking my butt in front of people,” she giggles helplessly, as though God just made her this way.

Most of the other guys pretty much suck, and I think it’s safe to say that gigantic, gaudy jewelry does not a thug make. And poor Tony has been transformed into Karate Kid VI.

Mr. Miyagi: The Prequel

Some guys are okay, or at least endearing. Big Will does well, and I especially gain newfound respect for John when he suddenly grabs his own nuts onstage.

“There they are!”

Usually you’ve gotta let the groupies take care of that area, but I see no problem in this gentleman tending to his huevos if it gives him street cred. And then he started juggling some real balls! Now that’s hard-core. The winner, however, is Big Willy. Later, the teams arrive to the debate match, which apparently took place at Bayside High, in keeping with the “Saved By The Bell” theme. I swear this set looks just like that episode where the gang was in the glee club competition.

Handsome Host introduces the judges and ends with, “They will decide which among you is the master debater.” I wonder how many takes that line required. Up first is Rebecca and Jasmine, or as I like to call her, Squeaky. She gets a little case of stage fright and explains her fears: “There was like, judges and everything, and I was like, there’s a real debate thing happening!” I know, it’s so surprising sometimes when the event that people told you was going to happen actually happens!

Next up, Erin and Amanda debate whether marijuana should be legalized, and somewhere out in the expanse of time and space I heard Flipit’s voice crying out, “SAY YES! YESSSSS!” Erin rationalizes that 30 million people have smoked marijuana and none of them died, so of COURSE we should legalize it! Amanda counters with, “Drug dealers make a living selling it, so if we legalize it, they won’t have a source of income.” So are you for or against it? Then we have Hollie and some other ho, and Hollie says she’s totally in favor of drilling for oil in the Arctic, because cars can’t run on “canola oil or whatever those hippies think we can run cars on.” Hey thanks, Al Gore.

Lastly we have Sam vs. Chez in the dispute over whether the drinking age should be lowered. Hunky poses and charms his way through this one, flexing a bicep each time he feels himself not making sense anymore. And you know, there’s nothing that lends credence to your argument like using “party” as a verb. Chez surprisingly comes back with some strong statistics about the effects of lowering the blah blah blah, but, in an even more shocking turn of events, Hunky COUNTER-counters her case by calling out the loopholes in her evidence. Oh snap!

Do you think he waxes his chest hair AND his eyebrows?

Despite his lack of chest hair, Sam wins and is now crowned lawyer of the year! Oh wait. Maybe not. But he and Nicole do get to choose one team to go to the elimination round, as does Will and his partner. Back at the house, the two teams discuss with one another who should be sent to the plank, and in a bid to find out if their heads are on the chopping block, Jasmine and Natalie tiptoe around trying to eavesdrop. Literally. Tiptoe.

Literally.

The contestants get all gussied up in their Sunday best for the elimination round, and Jasmine even wears her crown. The LARPer wears his cape, and explains that he found it only fitting to wear his formal dress for such an occasion. Upon hearing this, Geekgirl chuckles loudly. Do I smell a potential love connection? The two teams up for elimination are Tony & Amanda and John & Natalie. As they prepare for their imminent reality TV deaths, Tony uses this opportunity to finally open up to Amanda. Confession time!

“Um, does this end in a Fendi bag or not?”

He cries and admits that he feels he let her down. Awww. Poor kid. He really is sweet. She says that she just wishes he could come out of his shell a little more. Okay, I guess she’s not totally a cold beautiful bitch. He says he is doing this for Amanda now. “Everything I do, I do it for her.” Oh NO! He’s already in love with her and quoting Bryan Adams songs?!?!?

Quiz time! The first question has to do with how many stars are on the American flag. Well, since it’s only the first elimination round it makes sense that the questions would be relatively easy. “Ummmmmmm,” Natalie stammers. “Stars???” Yes, stars, you know, like on the American flag? She gets it wrong. Amanda is asked to name some presidents, but none can be Bush. Good thing Squeaky didn’t get picked for this level! Amanda gets it wrong. On her next turn, she’s asked what OPEC stands for, and even I have no clue. Natalie is the only one who gets an answer right, so when the boys come out it’s pretty much anyone’s game. Hopefully one of these nerds can drop some serious hip-hop knowledge. After some questions regarding 50 Cent and his number of street wounds and Vanilla Ice’s sexual history (*shudder*), Long Duck Dong comes out the loozah.

“What is, ‘The RZA, The GZA’?”

Amanda says that from this experience she learns she needs to trust herself more.

Yeah, and perhaps read a book now and then.